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Husband of a year has just walked out of my life...(3 Posts)
MNHQ have commented on this thread.
Literally in turmoil.
My husband and I got married last August after 6 years together.
Not long after this he started to become quite low. Fast forward to May of this year and he hit, what we thought was rock bottom. He cried constantly, wasn't eating or sleeping. Wouldn't leave the house.
I eventually said he was about to risk his marriage over his pride in going to the doctors.
Since then he has been so so up and down, all the while maintains he adores me.
In the last week he has been terrible. I have barely had 2 words from him.
He works nights. I rang him this evening to say I wouldn't be home before he went to work. He finished the conversation with: I really love you. I replied. And he said again, but I really really love you.
Fast forward to 8.30pm when I arrive home to a letter on the table saying how dark he feels and how bad he has been. That I am a truly wonderful, kind, caring woman and how much he adores me, how he wouldn't be who he was without me...
He has asked me to move out. Saying he needs time alone to work on himself but that I am still is wife.
He has said he will take over the rent and all bills and that I need to go and do all that I missed out on whilst I was with him.
He has said that he doesn't know how long it will take but that I have to find someone that loves me.
I'm so heart breakingly confused. If he had left me because he doesn't love me anymore.. I could understand this a little more?
But for him to go on to say: I adore you more than I could ever put into words, I have never had anyone know you like I do, I have never felt more comfortable with you or in love with anyone and I'm about to make the worst decision of my life by asking you to walk away.. But I need you to.
How do I respond to this? How do I walk away from someone whom I adore and who clearly adores me?
How do I make such a final decision.. He admits he is in such a dark place - then do I allow him to make such a final decision; move out, take all your stuff, go live your life: but you are still my wife and one day something will bring us back together.
How do I take this?
Am I wrong to ask for some space for a few weeks, to regroup and go from there?
Or do I move out, take my stuff and allow him this space whilst living my life..?
I'm heartbroken. Utterly heartbroken. Because he is truly one of the most wonderful, charismatic, intelligent, funny and kind hearted men I've Ever met but he cannot see it...
Hi. Firstly, so sorry and can you get this moved to Relationships? There'll be more traffic there.
Do you know that he is not suicidal? If you suspect he is, call 999 and leave it to them.
DO NOT MOVE OUT. It's premature and unrealistic anyway, where would you go?
I'd be inclined to let him know he is welcome to find somewhere else to live, but you're staying put.
Really feel for you , what a horrible situation to be in.
From what you have posted this is his depression talking, and I don't think he really wants you to go. It may seem bizarre, but when we are depressed we often want to isolate ourselves further. Feeling like shit ,we push out the people we love, and who love us, because we think we are not worthy, are dragging them down, or actually want them to 'prove' they love us by staying even though we given them a 'free pass' to walk. Sometimes we feel so bad that we consciously or unconsciously seek to make the situation worse to 'prove' how 'worthless' we really are to ourselves (i.e. self sabotage to validate we 'really are' crap and not worth caring about).
Depressed people make bad decisions, which is why every advice book says you shouldn't make major decision (e.g. Relationships, job change, moving etc) whilst you're depressed.
From what you have said I don't think he really wants you to go, and I understand your confusion. If you want to stay then tell him your not going anywhere, you love him, he loves you and it's his depression talking.
He needs to see his GP.
If he doesn't want to see his GP (not may be due to pride but because he wants be alone in his perceived 'deserving self-misery' - i.e is self sabotaging due to his depressive illness) perhaps you could go see his GP by yourself to get advice. Also, are you able to get some close friends or his family on-board to help you?
Please take heart. From what you have said I really think his actions and words are his depression talking, not about you, or how he feels about you. Depression is horrible for partners as they end up so confused, frustrated and feel so helpless. A number of other posters here are in similar situations - perhaps look at their threads?
Things will get better for both of you if he gets professional help.
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