This is the second time I've tried to type this. It's terrifying writing it down.
I think might be bi-polar. My gm was and it's been at the back of my mind for years but you would never know it.
I can't even explain how I'm so sure all of a sudden. I've been reflecting a birth is evening and it is as if a lightbulb has come on, it really is.
I don't think I want to explain my symptoms, my head feels so jumbled right now. Could anyone on here help me explain it to you?
I know I need to see a Dr. I'm terrified. In the cold light of day tomorrow I may deny this but I hope I won't.
How can I explain to a Dr if I can t explain to you? Will the Dr be able to help? Will my dc/ss be involved? I don't want that. I don't think. Unless it helps
Shit this is scary and huge!
Ok I'm going to.post this. I feel a bit all over the place and I've had more wine than usual which isn't helping.
I don't know where to start (lightbulb only just came on,bit of a shock!) and would appreciate any insight and support. Tia
Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.
Mental health
please help
minesapintofwine · 07/06/2015 22:58
So many people are affected by mental health issues it is a part of life. There is so much support out there for you and medication and other things which can help you.
Please don't worry about ss etc, that will not be an issue I'm sure. You are in a good place, you are aware there might be an issue and so you are taking the first steps to get help so there is no issue.
Your GP will be able to help, ask at reception for one who is sensitive to mental health issues when you call for an appointment.
Perhaps tonight give the Samaritans a call just to chat through how you feel and give you the confidence to make that appointment with your surgery. If you are scared you will not have the strength to do it tomorrow go online and email the surgery tonight, asking for the right GP as mentioned below and explaining that you are emailing tonight as you might not have the strength to do it tomorrow.
Hugs 
Thank you for asking! I made an appointment for Monday. That's got to be a start hasn't it?
If you don't mind I feel ready to talk about it now (you don't have to read it but it'll help me if I write things down).
Basically, I have struggled with low and also what I would call emotional, irrational, overreacting mood for about 15 years or more.
It's totally normal for me, I never thought wanted to have a mh issue, so why I may have fleetingly thought that things were not ok, I pushed it away and accepted it as my normality.
As I mentioned my gm (that I never knew) suffered with severe bipolar. I know only a little of this disorder, but when it has been mentioned on occasion I have wondered if I was affected...but too scared to find out! My aunt and Dm also have diagnosed depression and I can certainly see anxiety and like a nervous energy in them both.
Still with me? Ok, so a few nights ago I mentioned to my sil that I have trouble sleeping. She asked me (the first person to ever do so) if it could be anxiety. I said maybe but on Sunday night I thought a bit more and realised that didn't quite fit. So I googled a bit and bipolar was mentioned. I had touched on it in my head so many times over the years that I googled bipolar and had a real shock at how much I could identify with. I showed my Dh(who is a very practical,no nonsense, non googled!) and he agreed with the similarities. I am going to copy and paste a description below and write next to it what stood out (best way I can explain it):
Depression (I DON'T FEEL LIKE THIS AT THE MOMENT PERHAPS 2-3 TIMES A YEAR)
During a period of depression, your symptoms may include:
feeling sad and hopeless (ALWAYS CRYING)
lacking energy (CANT BE BOTHERED GOING ANYWHERE OR DOING ANYYTHING)
difficulty concentrating and remembering things
loss of interest in everyday activities (DONT ENJOY IT)
feelings of emptiness or worthlessness
feelings of guilt and despair (GO OVER PAST REGRETS,SOME REALLY SMALL)
feeling pessimistic about everythin
self-doubt
being delusional, having hallucinations and disturbed or illogical thinking
lack of appetite
difficulty sleeping
waking up early (YES)
suicidal thoughts ( NOT REALLY,PERHAPS WHEN I WAS YOUNGER).
Mania (HOW I FEEL NOW, FOR ABOUT 3 MONTHS, BUT GETTING MORE SNAPPY AND IRRITATED)
The manic phase of bipolar disorder may include:
feeling very happy, elated or overjoyed (EXCITED AND FULL OF IDEAS-HALF I FOLLOW THROUGH WITH, HALF I DONT, I HAVE A LOT OF STARTED BUT INCOMPLETE IDEAS FROM MY LIFE!)
talking very quickly (YES,YES,YES,I TALK A LOT, AND FAST, I AM TOLD THIS OFTEN, I ACTUALLY SEE PEOPLE SWITCH OFF BUT CANT STOP MYSELF. MOST OF MY MUMSNET POSTS AND TEXTS ARE LONG TOO. BY CONTRAST, WHEN FEELING 'LOW' I DONT REPLY TO TEXTS, CANCEL PLANS AND IGNORE PHONE CALLS)
feeling full of energy DH SAID ME REARRANGING ALL THE FURNITURE IN 3 ROOMS AT 7.30am ON BANK HOLIDAY, AND TRYING TO DECORATE EVERY SINGLE ROOM IN THE HOUSE IN ONE WEEKEND (LAST SUMMER, STILL VERY UNFINISHED LOOKS LIKE SHIT) ARE EXAMPLES OF HOW EXTREME I CAN BE. THERE ARE MANY MORE INCIDENTS LIKE THIS!
feeling self-important
feeling full of great new ideas and having important plans
being easily distracted
being easily irritated or agitated NOT ALWAYS BUT RECENTLY AND TODAY I FEEL REALLY LIKE THIS, I FEEL LIKE IM HAVING A COME DOWN TBH
being delusional, having hallucinations and disturbed or illogical thinking
not feeling like sleeping AS MENTIONED.BECAUSE I AM SO WIRED! I REGULARLY AM UP UNTIL 12,1,2,2.30 (AM UP AT 6). NOT WORRYING,MAKING PLANS FOR MY HOUSE (NEVER FOLLOW THROUGH) WANDERING ABOUT, TOUCHING FURNITURE 
LIKE I HAVE HORRIFIC PENT UP NERVOUS ENERGY. AS SOON AS I GO TO BED I FALL ASLEEP BUT HAVE TO FORCE MYSELF TO GO TO BED. THIS CAN GO ON FOR ABOUT A MONTH.
not eating
doing things that often have disastrous consequences, such as spending large sums of money on expensive and sometimes unaffordable items
making decisions or saying things that are out of character and that others see as being risky or harmful WE ARE IN MASSES OF DEBT (ON A DMP NOW) WITH NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT. A LOT OF,NOT ALL, IS DOWN TO ME SPENDING (BOUGHT LOADS OF CRAP ON CC) I SOMETIMES SAY INAPPROPRIATE THINGS, BUT I THINK PEOPLE JUST THINK IM QUIRKY!
If you read all of that well done! It felt good to get it out! I would appreciate any thoughts.
I'm going to give the go a very condensed version and let them take the lead on it.
Might be worth mentioning I have pcos, could it simply be a big hormonal imbalance, bipolar, something else, or nothing at all?
Sobs.
Thank you for your kind, supportive words.
I feel relieved that I've identified something is going on. Also I feel like I'm imagining it and wasting everyone's time. 
I don't why this is has happened as a co-incidence to posting but for months now I've had that elated feeling which I now realise was feeling high and this week I feel really low. Worse today, I've spent the morning crying and losing it with the dc. I feel so guilty at that and just feel desperate for some help now as I hate myself for that. I phoned the Dr for a cancellation but there isn't any. It's weird, I've coped with this for almost two decades but now I know I could have help I feel almost like I can't wait a few more days again. I had a good cry when I came off the phone and feel a bit better. Does anyone have any tips how to get through until Monday?
It's weird I can see actual evidence of an issue happening right now but I still feel like a fraud. I think it's because mh issues were always pushed away by me, and this is my normality. Also I hate going to the dr's and here I am going with something huge that can't even be seen its all based on my feelings and emotions.
I wonder if I suddenly identified an issue because I was coming down from such a 'high' for months (and on the weekend I felt like I was having an actual come down!) and caught it right at the optimum moment. Which is when I spoke to you guys and finally made an appointment.
If I am following any kind of pattern, it's been GREAT for a few months, then mixed for a few weeks, and this week I can feel myself slipping into feeling crap. I hate myself for that as I have no reason to be that way at all.
I think I have periods of depression? twice a year and looking back I can think of two occasions when I have been severely depressed.
Yet I'm only now doing something about it! Ridiculous. Now I finally wiggled I could have help I'm craving it because I'm sick of feeling so up and down. Does that make sense?
I know I waffle. I just need to get it all out. This is a really tough week for me, and I'm dreading Monday.Hopefully Ill be more together then (feel like I'm falling apart, not a new feeling at all,but the first time I feel like I've had enough of it)
I am ok. I have had a horrible week up and down with lots of tears!
I can't wait to see Gp tomorrow and get it all out. I also am really nervous and scared. I do accept this needs to happen for everyones sake. I know my dh is relieved I'm going, and I am so overreactive with the dc
In the meantime I'm just trying to keep myself calm and occupied and forget I even have an appointment,which is working.
I just hope I am able to explain the problem (that's hard isn't it? Am hoping Gp will help me explain), I do feel pretty desperate for help now. If they can't see a problem, don't believe me, decide on watch/wait etc I think I'll be crushed!
I don't know if any of this is making sense, thank you for all the support.
Thank you for so much support. I am ok (just!).
Dr was lovely, put me on citalopram (any experiences?) and said to make an appointment in 2 weeks. She may add in a mood stabiliser. Also referred me to Mental Health team.
I came home and cried buckets!!! Dh was very supportive.
How I feel now is mixed. Glad I saw a Dr at last. Started to implement some changes to my routine to help myself. But wish I was 'better' as still have exactly the same depressive/manic symptoms I did this morning (but with more insight, and the ability to pull myself back eg, at 6pm I was desperate to clean my entire house and do all my laundry but I caught myself as knew dc had to start bedtime and knew that it was a symptom I just went completely blitz in the one room prior to last week I would have just done it, at the expense of everyone else's routine etc).
Tbh I don't feel well (mentally), and I am tired (great!!!! Not felt tired in agggeeess). I feel like what have I started? This is going to be a journey? But am determined just to see it as help and a breakthrough.
and 
I'm so pleased you had a lovely Dr.
It's going to take baby steps but you are already on the journey. Feel proud of yourself. Last night was a good step. Well done.
Perhaps keeping a diary will help you.
I've been taking 10mg for a week now increased to 20mg. I feel ok but not wonderful. I'm not expecting any great changes yet but I do feel a little bit calmer I think as a result of the medication? . Feel like I could be a lot better though! I have a follow up Gp appt next week.so I will just try and be honest. It's bloody hard to vocalise though!
Thanks to you all I'm so glad I turned to you. It was my lowest point I think. I'm not there now
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.