Do I go back on my psychiatric meds? :(

[butterflyFairy1]

To cut a long story short, I have Bipolar Disorder and BPD, alongside OCD and Generalised Anxiety Disorder.

Last June, I got hospitalised (psychiatric hospital) because I tried to take my own life - quiet badly. And because it wasn't the first time I had tried, they hospitalised me for it.
In January this year, I had one "low" - and it lasted four weeks, instead of the usual 4-5 months because I recognised my warning signs instead of ignoring them for weeks on end and got help. The crisis team were brilliant - they came out every day to check I was ok for two weeks, and my GP put me on another antipsychotic. Then in March this year, a joint decision to was made between me, my GP and my psychiatrist to try and come off my meds by weaning me off, because in them 9 months I'd only had one low. It took six weeks to fully wean me off them, and now I've been off them completely for about two weeks.

My question is, is should I go back on them? Reason I ask is because I had a manic period for a week and a bit, to the point of where I was walking out into main roads because I thought I was too important to get hit, and Angels were talking to me. I didn't seek help because I didn't feel as though I needed it. After having only been on a "come down" from my mania for a few days, I know that, in hindsight, I should've gotten help.

Now, I can feel myself slipping into a depression again. I want to self harm (I've had a problem with self harm for 7 years now - but I'm currently 96 days cut free), I'm beginning to get tearful at everything, I've become physically poorly which is always a warning sign, and I just feel so drained. I have no energy, I'm always sleeping (could be down to being ill), and I just want to lock myself away from the world and curl up into a ball. Suicide has started to creep back into my mind, where I feel as though everyone would be better off without me, and even though I know it's not at a dire stage, I know it could progress to that pretty quickly.

Has coming off my meds been the wrong idea? I've been on them three years, had hypomanics and but serious depression (even though I was on full dosage of my antidepressant), though it'd only be once a year, whereas now I'm off my meds it feels a bit like it did before - that I won't ever have periods of being stable, I'll just swing from one extreme to another.

I've recently got a new job, which I start in June, so I know going on my meds would be the 'ideal' and 'adult' decision but I want to be me again. My meds were making me super drowsy and I became something of a zombie. I finally feel like I'm getting the 'old' me back (though nobody can handle the old me!) and I don't want it to be taken away from me yet again.

Sorry for the rant, but it's difficult to explain in short terms!

[simonettavespucci]

Hey. I'm not sure what the answer is, but didn't want to read and run. I'm sure people will be along with better advice in the morning, but have you spoken to your GP about your current state? I'm sorry you're in a tough situation.

[butterflyFairy1]

Hiya. Thank you for replying, and not 'reading and running' - it means a lot :)
I haven't had a chance to speak to my GP yet. I have had countless discussions with my mother though, and she thinks I should go back on my meds. I hope you and others can understand why I DONT want too - I haven't been myself for three years now, and people in my family had started to say "you were a pain but we miss the old you" because I was so subdued and spaced out all the time. I was on quite a fair whack - medium dose antipsychotics and full dose of antidepressants. No wonder I was zombie-like, lol.
I'm just within two minds. I know, rationally, I should go back on them. But they only took away my full blown manias and give me more space in between my depression. So what's the point?? I know I'll have to speak to my GP about it at some point, guess sooner rather than later is always best.

[dontrunwithscissors]

Isn't there an option to try different meds? I'm bipolar two and worked my way through many med trials to the point that I found a combination that doesn't make me drowsy etc.

The question of meds or not depends, I would say on which has the most destructive impact-med side effects or the illness itself? Can you return to the meds but at a lower dose?

[NotAJammyDodger]

Hope I have understood you correctly - you have only been off the meds for two weeks and then had a manic week during that period?

Perhaps, you could continue on a low therapeutic dose?