Feel such a failure

[YouveCatToBeKittenMe]

I have spent the last 2 or 3 months constantly stressed, miserable, panicking and crying at the slightest thing
I should be feeling great and counting my blessings, I have a fabulous Dh, 4 fabulous children but that just makes me feel worse and guilty coz I dont feel fab and its affecting them.
I have an exam next week, am just about to start doing regular night shifts at work and am constantly panicky about what might happen and what I wont be able to do.
Today I went to the doctor and cried over him too! He has given me anti-depressants but I just feel such a failure to have got to this point.
I have taken holiday this week to try to finish an assignment, its just constant pressure, I can't give up now I only have 8 months to go til I qualify.
Not sure why I'm posting, I just want to feel normal and grateful for what I've got and not wake up every morning with this horrible knot of panic inside.

[britneyspears123]

Hi sending you a hug! You're not alone and not a failure.

[NanaNina]

You are not a failure..........but I know from first hand experience that's how depression and anxiety make us feel - it's one of the symptoms, as is feeling worthless and guilty and ashamed and thinking we should be able to do something to make ourselves feel better. We don't feel like this when we are physically ill - it's just an "added extra" as if mental illness was not bad enough, and then of course there's the stigma that's still alive and well even in the 21st century.

I'm glad you went to the Dr and it's quite common to burst into tears in the surgery - did you know approx. one third of all GP appointments are mental health related, so he will have seen this hundreds of times before. What ADs has he prescribed.....and what dose? They usually prescribe citalopram or sertraline and start off at a low dose which isn't really a therapeutic dose so doesn't do much good in the beginning, but hope you have a 2 week review appointment when they usually increase the dose if you are not having too many side effects. Don't read the label in the box about side effects.........the drug companies have to put every possible thing in the list in case they are sued.

Do you know the cause of your mental health problems - is it related to the studying/work that you're doing - could you have pushed yourself too far. Sounds a lot to do when you have 4 children too and working night shifts. Most people have a breaking point, and you might have reached yours, for the moment. You say you have 8 months left before you qualify, so next summer - sounds like a degree maybe - do you mind saying what you are studying.

Mental illness affects 1 in 4 people at some point in their lives as I'm sure you know and it's no respecter of people's circumstances. The meds might help to take the edge off the anxiety to allow you to continue, but if not, you can always defer your last term can't you - although I know that's not what you want to do.

I have intermittent depression and anxiety and it can be severe so I know the torment of this illness but I'm retired and a grandparent so I don't have the same pressures, but I still hate being mentally ill.

[caravanista13]

Wow- that sounds likes huge workload. No wonder you're feeling stressed but you're certainly not a failure!

[YouveCatToBeKittenMe]

Thank you all for replying.
I am on a low dose of Citalopram and he asked me to go back in a month. I have read all the side effects but TBH I already have bad digestion, feel 'not here' and fuzzy headed so I'm not sure I'll notice any!

Not sure what the cause is, I am a studying to be a vet nurse. I think in hindsight the exams, placement and trying to cover all the practical side is too intense for me. I'm doing all this as a mature student (I'll be 48 tomorrow) so I don't find it as easy to remember new things anymore. I don't want to defer, as I know if I put it off I just won't go back...ever.

I often feel low this time of year but this year is 10 x worse. Taking the edge of the anxiety would be a great help, I would just like not to be bursting into tears over the most insignificant things, i hate that my children know I'm miserable, they have been great (they are all teens) but I feel I'm letting them down. I find it hard enough to get myself through the day and I feel I'm not paying much attention to whats going on in their lives.