Do I tell OH about past rape?

[craycray]

Not really sure if this is the best place to ask for help.
4 years ago in October I was raped. I denied it for a really long time, well I sort of half denied it. I was in my first year of uni and went shopping on my own, a guy in a nice car pulled up beside me and asked if I wanted to go for a drink, I said no, but gave him my phone number to maybe go out late. Later he picked me up, I thought it was fine as all my friends knew where I was going, I gave them his phone number as well.
He told me he was 21 and a personal trainer.
Anyway instead of taking me out for a drink he said he had to pick something up from his flat. He had a swanky car and lived in a super nice flat and being a stupid girl, I went along with it. When we were in his flat he started coming on to me and I kept saying no. He then slapped me put his hand round my throat, told me he didn't want to have to hurt me, along with a lot of abuse and raped me. After ward he drove me home and said he'd call me, he acted like it was really normal and I kind of didn't know what to think.
I knew it was rape really but didn't want to see it that way, so i kept calling him and texting him. I think he replied once? but that was enough for me to kind of think we were in a relationship. We definitely weren't though. I them started to go out a lot and drink a lot. I slept with a lot of different people that year, I think in my head I was trying to normalise what happened by sleep around a lot. I don't know why. I was awful went missing for days at a time, took a fair amount of drugs and just turned into a mess.
I met my now OH in the September after. I slept with him straight away and thought he was just another guy like the ones I'd been with before, but he wasn't. He made me feel very special and safe and we were inseparable from the start. I totally turned my life around and now we have a DS together.
I never mentioned my rape because I thought I was over it.
Now though, the other day I was watching the local news and the sport bit came on and there was a story about the city football team. And there on the screen was my rapist. I was nearly sick, it was horrible seeing his face on the TV. I googled him and turns out he'd given me a fake name, lied about his age, he said he was 5 years younger than he was, at the time of the rape he was a professional and international (not for england) footballer. He plays for a team that isn't great but he is professional. Since that point I've just had this hideous almost nasty sicky butterfly feeling in my stomach. It's almost as if the fact he lied makes it even more sinister... if that makes sense?
I can't get it out my head and have been really distant with my OH. I keep thinking telling him would change our relationship.
I'm not sure how much he knows of my life before we met. I'm pretty sure he knew some as I was quite well known for being a drunken mess all the time. I don't want him to think I'm making it up. Or that I'm over reacting. Or that it's something he doesn't need to know.
I also really worry about the fact that maybe he has done this to other girls.
I have previously been diagnosed with depression although I don't think that's related. I take medication for it but now constantly feel depressed.
I've never told anyone, or talked about it and don't know what to do!

[YeGodsAndLittleFishes]

Firstly, it's brilliant you can write about it on here, so many people can't tell anyone about past trauma, even anonymously.

Best thing would be to go to your GP and tell them, and ask for some counselling to help you tell others. If you name the rapist, the GP and counsellor have a legal obligation to rell the police about it. Or you could go straight to the police about it. They should offer you victim support. It's possible that there have been other women who were attacked by this man, very likely when you think of what he did and how long ago it was. Your evidence could help convict him if other women come forward.

[YeGodsAndLittleFishes]

Sorry, I didn't answer your main question. I'm not sure I can give advice on this, but would suggest that having a counsellor to talk to about it first, and about any changes it makes to your relationship, would help you and your OP.
Of course you could just tell him, and there is nothing wrong with doing that at all. He might not know what to do or say, and it would be extra support for you to have some of your emotional needs about this met in counselling.

[DrCarolineTodd]

I'm so sorry about what happened. By the way it's really normal to react as you did, by wanting to try to normalise it and deny it. It's your brain's way of trying to protect you.

I think your first priority needs to be to take care of yourself. It must have been an awful shock seeing him like that. Do think about asking your GP for counselling, or contact Rape Crisis who can also help with counselling and support groups.

Also have a look for a website called Pandora's Project which is full of helpful resources.

As to your OH, it's up to you and what you feel will help you. Is he generally supportive and caring? Do you want him to know?

[SoonToBeSix]

Op am so sorry for what has happened to you. You were NOT a stupid girl. The man was/ is an evil person.
If you can I think you should confide in your dp but only if you want to.

[barleyorange]

I also think that specialist counselling would be a good idea for you.

I was also raped years ago and I was reminded of it more recently when my rapist was in the news. I didn't share with my DH though as I'm a very private person and I've also had considerable therapy over the years, so it doesn't affect me much now. Also, my rapist was in the news for being convicted of another attack, so that made me feel vindicated (I did report the rape but it didn't have enough evidence to go to court). I think I would feel worse if he was out there becoming successful with nobody having any idea what he was really like.

I think that dealing with the feelings from rape requires skills from an experienced therapist, and it would be unfair to expect your DP to manage that as he's emotionally involved. By all means share with him if you think it would help, but only in combination with more skilled therapy from someone who is more detached from the situation.

[craycray]

Thankyou for your messages. Just hearing other people acknowledge that it actually did happen has helped a bit. I think my head I kept trying to convince myself it wasn't rape so that I wouldn't have to deal with it. But knowing that it is actually makes me feel better in a way?
My DP is incredibly supportive, I think this may be more of a hindrance than a help because he won't know what to do. He is also very protective of me and knowing this guy is still out there would probably just drive him crazy.
I think you are all right and it is best to seek professional advice and help before telling him, so I can deal with it properly.
I know I'm probably not the only one he's done this too, as he was so calm about it but there is no evidence. I don't think the police would really be able do anything?