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If your therapist says something you don't agree with?

(18 Posts)
superstarheartbreaker Sat 10-May-14 19:53:08

New therapist. Lovely but she made a comment that everyone tries their best ( which I agree with) but also my abusive ex was 'trying his best.' She has shown a bit of compassion towards him as well as acknowledging he was an arse. She has also hinted forgiveness towards him could be freeing. I am not really interested about forgiving him but I do want to forgive myself for putting up with him. This I find very hard.

I don't think she is taking sides but I don't really agree that he was trying his best. He was trying his best to destroy my independence. I want to try this therapist out for a bit longer but I am messed up about this chap and I don't want to hear any sympathy for him. I don't want her to slag him off necessarily but how can I handle this?

She specialises in emdr therapy which I hope can help release some of the trauma from the abuse so I want to stick with it.

pricklyPea Sun 11-May-14 00:07:58

Can you raise it with her? If you don't want to change therapists then perhaps tell her how her comments are making you feel.
I would change and have changed therapists for this exact reason except reversed, she was trying to say I was being abused when I was venting.

Good luck.

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 11-May-14 00:15:31

Sounds as though she's jumping the gun a bit.

Understanding and even forgiving those who hurt us is liberating. But before you can get to that point you have to properly deal with the damage that they did to you OP.

Can you tell her that you are still dealing with how much he fucked you up and not even close to wanting to know about His Ishoos yet?

ThingsThatShine Sun 11-May-14 00:18:54

I would try to raise this with her and say you do not feel he was trying his best!

RonaldMcDonald Sun 11-May-14 00:24:09

She should ask you for feedback at the beginning and often end of each session. During summarizing statements she is checking if she is getting it right.
If you don't like what she is doing or saying tell her. She needs to know you need to say it on some level
A lot of therapists now are trying to move toward an acceptance model. He was a shitty fucker of a husband but maybe that was the very best he could do. Working around that seems to be a new approach and it can work.
He's an abusive arse, let's sit with that. Accept that although a twat maybe he was preprogrammed to be a twat and we just wondered into his pathway. Not personal the world is not dangerous people are not dangerous etc etc.
I'm unsure it is anything other that bollocks.

Tell her what you think, she'll explain. If it doesn't ring true. End therapy. There are plenty of EMDR people . Make sure you get an actual specialist though.

jbean3 Sun 11-May-14 12:35:23

I would probably take her advice. Forguveness doesn't mean letting them back in your life. Also she is an expert and has studied and trained to help people such as yourself, if you don't trust that she is a good dat her job you should ask for a referal to someone else.

nethunsreject Sun 11-May-14 12:39:02

Tell her how you feel about this.

I once had a psychiatrist tell me that the man who abused me repeatedly as a child was worth forgiving and that he was just someone who really loved children hmm so jbean, you are talking rot I'm afraid.

jbean3 Sun 11-May-14 13:23:33

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

nethunsreject Sun 11-May-14 13:44:39

Sorry I was rather clumsy, I meant that therapeutic relationships are not ones where the 'expert' gives advice. THAT is what is rot. Therapists help people find their own way at their own pace. This may or may not include forgiveness depending on the circumstances. Forgiving or not is not the cornerstone of successful therapy.

fubbsy Sun 11-May-14 14:28:18

Are therapists supposed to give advice? That's not what I would want from a therapeutic relationship.

In theory, I can see why people think forgiveness is a good thing, but it sounds like the op is a long way from being in a position to forgive her xp.

superstar I think you need to tell the therapist how you feel. See how she reacts and then decide if she is the right therapist for you.

nethunsreject Sun 11-May-14 14:38:44

Fubbsy, that's it exactly

Millie2013 Sun 11-May-14 16:04:42

Definitely tell her how you feel. I often disagree with my therapist and generally raise it with her, when I do. I think it's strengthened our relationship, if anything

jbean3 Mon 12-May-14 00:06:08

I understand Nethunsreject. I was only trying to say that forgiveness is a normal part of the healing process and that it does not mean letting that person have any part of your life, instead choosing to put the past in the past.

I am sorry if I offended. It was not my intent.

superstarheartbreaker Mon 12-May-14 06:24:14

My head wants to forgive but my heart can't. Actually the hardest person to forgive is myself. I just can't seem to do it.

Tired10years Tue 13-May-14 21:58:34

I think it's fine when therapists say things you don't agree with because it shows you how you really feel. You clearly don't think he was trying his best. Unless this issue is somehow central to the therapy you could just let it go.. It was a comment you don't agree with. So what. The therapist isn't an expert on your situation. Take what is helpful and leave the rest.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 13-May-14 22:56:58

Superstar, you and your therapist obviously have some more work to do around this issue. Do not be afraid to tell her this.

I wish you peace, strength and healing.smile

superstarheartbreaker Mon 19-May-14 20:33:49

I told my therapist that I didn't agree with what she was fine with this. However, she also said a while back that it could be that my daughter will be my main companion in life ( in other words I might not find a partner.) I felt ok about this at the time and said I thought that this was quite sweet but tbh I now feel a bit peeved... It's one of my dreams to find a partner and settle down...that's why I'm in therapy. Am I reading too much into this? She is really great and supportive in other ways.

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 19-May-14 20:39:29

I'm so glad you spoke to your therapist about this OP.

Are you reading too much into the other comment? Probably. What she said made sense to you at the time. If she said it in your next session, it might not. That's ok. The point of therapy is to bring about change.

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