Fantasies of disappearing completely

[2013go]

This is weird- I don't want to kill myself, I mean, I am not suicidal. But in the past couple of days a very strong feeling of wanting to run away and go missing has taken hold.
I mean, I can't do this and I won't do it- I have two dcs, no money, and a job I've only recently started.
But I sort of imagine just grabbing a bag and some cash and walking and just not stopping until I find myself somewhere else altogether.
I don't think this is quite right.
In context, it's been a bad few years in many ways.
In 2008 I had two mcs
In 2009 I had dc2 but split up with exh though live together. I also walked out of my job and was unemployed with newborn.
In 2010 I lost my grandmother. Started new job.
In 2011 I met my exp who was very abusive
In 2012 I moved out of family home and set up alone with joint custody. Split up with abusive exp. grandmother very ill in hosp for a long time.
2013 back with exp for a while, even worse. Dad had heart attack. Started new job. Abusive exp moved to city where I live.
It's been a roller coaster five years and I feel I have pressed the self destruct button or at least the destruct button on every area of my life.
Exh very amicable, a 'model' separation. Friends around. Good job- responsible job. BUT I'm not sitting easily in my skin. I feel I'm a bit of a mess inside. I'd love in some ways to just evaporate and wake up somewhere else. Why can't I just be in my own life?
I'm having counselling, it's helpful, but I just feel completely odd.
What is the matter with me?

[YoureBeingAnAnyFuckerFan]

I get this too. Not so much recently as ive been feeling generally quite well but when i was very low i thought of it alot. I wanted to take the dcs and the dog and live in a cabin in the woods somewhere with no outside contact.

[YoureBeingAnAnyFuckerFan]

Sorry that i dont have any answers for you. Have you mentioned this to your counsellor?

[YoureBeingAnAnyFuckerFan]

Could you afford a break away somewhere for a week or a few days? Somewhere with lots of nice scenic walks and open spaces, blustery winds to blow the cobwebs away.

[KissesBreakingWave]

Mention it to your counsellor. It's not a rare symptom.

[2013go]

Symptom?
I do wish I could just do the retreat thing for a bit- but it's not a job where I can just take time off.

[KissesBreakingWave]

Yeah, symptom. Of what, that's between you and your healthcare people, but from the sounds you're a bit past 'I need a break'. All I'm trying to say here is: it's not just you, feeling like that is a warning at the very least, you've got someone on board you're getting help from and it sounds like it's something relevant to them doing their professional best by you. Strong recommendtion.

[2013go]

It's tipping over into wanting to be gone altogether now so I suppose I had better try to sort it out. I still just about see that the children need me to be here, even if I am shit.

[trish5000]

How long have you felt like this for?

[2013go]

intensely, for about four days- about eight weeks in total feeling low

[DinkyMole]

I felt like this for most of the 5 years after separating from my exH. My life didn't look like the life I wanted to live. I wasn't happy. I was just going through the motions. I had several bouts of being suicidal. I felt overwhelmed by the responsibility.

Definitely mention it to your counsellor. It won't make it go away but it might make it bearable for just a little while.

[trish5000]

You need a break at the very least.
When my children were younger, I used to go off somewhere alone or to my mums, without the children, and do absolutely nothing for 3 days. I used to do that about every 9 months for several years. Did me the world of good.
There was a thread on mumsnet a few months ago, and other women did the same thing. Any chance at all that you can do that?

[NanaNina]

I wonder 2013go if you could be getting depression, possibly in a mild form but you say you have been feeling low for 8 weeks and it has got worse over the past few days. Loss of some kind or another (not necessarily a bereavement) is almost always at the root of depression, and you have certainly had more than your fair share of losses of loved ones and traumas over the past 5 years. In some ways I think it could almost be expected that you could not survive such a long episode of losses and trauma, without some ill effect on yourself.

You need to monitor yourself and notice if you are getting any symptoms of depression e.g. feeling "low" in mood, sleep problems, appetite problems, inability to concentrate, bouts of crying, feeling worthless and suicidal thoughts. These are just a few of the symptoms but if you google you will find more.

I don't want to alarm you but I think a lot of MNs (including myself) have talked of wanting to just "go away and disappear" when depressed, but you may just be emotionally exhausted and need some time to recover from all the trauma, which I know will be difficult for you.

[2013go]

Thank you. No time to do anything except keep on keeping on. Very hard work. Only just into new job, lots of responsibility- absolutely zero chance of time off.
Don't want to go on ADs but may have to. Will speak to counsellor tomorrow. Don't want to die etc but constant thoughts of self harm- haven't acted on them.
Find it virtually impossible to cope with abusive exp now being in town- can't use the facilities or engage in many activities because it's now his workplace and get hypertense there all the time in case of running into him. Feel under siege.

[trish5000]

Are you saying that he is now working in the same place as you?

Is there someone who could have your 2 dcs for a weekend or two, and you would then be able to go off somewhere to give you a break? You so need one.

[2013go]

Trish no he works at local uni where the nursery is, the swimming pool, etc, my classes and my counsellor are. So I am there 3-4 times a week and in a state of trepidation each time. I think am going to have to stop attending my class and limit swimming to weekends but this makes me very cross.
I think I will look into going to this place in the woods in a few weekends' time.

[2013go]

Trish no he works at local uni where the nursery is, the swimming pool, etc, my classes and my counsellor are. So I am there 3-4 times a week and in a state of trepidation each time. I think am going to have to stop attending my class and limit swimming to weekends but this makes me very cross.
I think I will look into going to this place in the woods in a few weekends' time.

[trish5000]

Did he find a job there on purpose do you think?

I feel for you. I am concernced about you.
Some threads like this I am more concerned about than others.
If you can, seriously, take a voluntary break. Even leaving the kids with a trusted neighbour next weekend if you can. Or with a trusted person from uni [not exp obviously].

[2013go]

Went to counsellor tonight and talked it through, she says to check in with the GP.
Did he move here on purpose, who knows? He tried for the job a few times when we were together. We were sort of together ish when he got it. But it's a better job for him so not entirely. I feel immense discomfort around it and it's this that makes me want to run away, plus to be dead (which I don't want to be really, not at all) just sometimes seems the only way to be rid of him/ it/ what he did. Just want some respite from the trauma and him being up the road even if we're no contact is no respite.

[ohsobusyx3]

I am lying in bed thinking exactly many of the thoughts you have had. Today I just want to 'disappear'. I love my children so much my heart aches but I often want to run away.

I have been a full time SAHM since 2006. Have DD 7, DD almost 4 & DS 22mnth. DH works away 4 days every week, has done since 2nd DD born in 2010. Today I have felt overwhelmed by everything. I have lost my temper and shouted at them agressively. This happens often, more often than I'm happy with. I am always remorseful but cannot seem to stop the jekyl & hyde in me.

I often just want to go to sleep & not wake up, or wake up elsewhere. I am not suicidal in that I am rational enough to assess the impact of such an act. That said I often wish to be ill so I could catch a break!! I do not think I have not been away from either a child or DH since we married in 2006!! I know this is my doing.

I have zero self esteem. My willpower & get up & go seems to have deserted me. I feel like I must be everything to everyone. It's driven by guilt & a feeling of undeservedness. I take slow release venlafaxine & have been on various meds since having PND diagnosed in 2007. I feel detached from 'real' life feel like I'm excluded by friends, mums at school.

We are comfortably off. The kids go to private school. We have a nice house & car & want for nothing. But deep down I feel like I'm living someone else's life. I don't deserve any of it. It's not my money that we spend.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble. The thread just struck a chord.

I'm glad I logged on tonight & found the mental health topic....it's clear I am not alone, my thoughts are not as bonkers as I thought. It's good to find others who are going through the same shit!!

All that said....I think I need to talk to someone. Pills are no longer enough. GP tomorrow I think.

Thank you anyone who reads xx

[2013go]

ohso yes, get to the GP. I feel better since really recognising how depressed I was and coming to terms with it- small steps and some steps back but I know I have to stay and fight for my life and get there bit by bit, slow and steady.