Don't know where to go from here

[FriendlyElephant]

I'm not really sure where to start. I've always had depressive tendencies but since I had DD I've been pretty terrible and I'm on ADs for anxiety and depression. I thought they were working but I've been slipping again and really not coping. I don't want to increase the dose I'm on because the side effects, especially the insomnia, dizziness and constant sugar craving are getting too much for me now. I'm very limited as to choice of medication because I'm breastfeeding, so I'm a bit stuck.

I'm starting to think that it's just an inevitable result of how generally shit my life is. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm very lucky to have everything I have. But I'm just so sick of everything.

I'm going back to work in about three weeks and the only people I've seen since I've been off have been family, I don't have any friends left. I occasionally get invited on nights out which of course I have to turn down, and I completely understand why they don't want to bother with me anymore. I've tried baby groups (well, been basically frogmarched to them by a surestart worker) and it was awful, I can't bring myself to go to any more, which I feel painfully guilty about.

I'm a shit mother, which is pathetic when you consider that it's all I do all day. When DD cries I panic, I have no idea what to do with her, sometimes I can't bring myself to pick her up, I've been known to shout at her which I know is horrible. I never get anything done because if I even think about leaving the room she starts shrieking. She doesn't sleep at night, when I tell the health visitor that she wakes up every hour, she just looks at me like I'm an idiot and tells me to put her in her cot and stroke her belly and she'll go to sleep (yeah, right). I don't really know what I'm supposed to DO with her all day. I love her more than anything, of course I do, but I feel like I'm letting her down so badly.

People tell me to take time to myself, go out, do something I enjoy, blah blah blah... but I don't enjoy anything, and even if I did I don't have bloody time. I'm looking forward to going back to work but I only work part time, and its when DP is at home anyway so when I would normally do the housework etc. and its not an especially fulfilling job.

I'm just totally fed up.

I think I just had to get all that out somehow.

[Pancakeflipper]

Hello, you are not letting your DD down but I think you think you are letting yourself down?

How do you feel about returning to work? Are you looking forward to it? Looking forward to it in a guilty way because you could you again?

How is your Doctor? Have you spoken to them about your daughter and her sleeping? Don't just stop at the HV, there's help out there.

Can your partner help out a bit more?

I found a non-sleeping baby ( for 18 months he did 20 mins sleep at time - I was a zombie) the worst thing (I and we have had some real tests) and I survived by getting someone else to have DS2 for a night once a week whilst I used earplugs and locked myself away at 8pm.

Could you afford a cleaner once a fortnight so you get time when you don't have to be doing housework? Might be an investment for a while?

And if playgroups are not your thing what about baby swimming lessons or something like that? Then you are focusing on the activity.

Sorry - you will read this and think " Oh you don't get it do you....Grrrrr" But there's people here who will get it and will be able to help you. Just take it step by step for now.

[NotAVictim]

I get it! I totally get what you are saying. It's how I was 4 years ago when my baby was then 5months old. I suffered with depression and anxiety before falling pregnant but i wrote down exactly how I was feeling, took a deep breath and took it to my gp and sobbed my heart out whilst she read it. I was referred to a mum and baby unit. It was possibly the thing that saved me. There is help out there. You are not the first to feel this way, you not be the last and you can get help. You may find you have to stop breast feeding and change medication (and I know that in itself leads to a whole new set of worries and anxieties- because I had those same worries and anxieties. I had convinced myself I would be poisoning my baby by using formula and I cries inconsolably when he had his first bottle!). Go to your gp, find a sympathetic one and don't be put off if you need to go back xxx ((hugs))

[HoopHopes]

Hi. If you had 8 hours continuous sleep every night do you think you would still have the same symptoms? If so ask you gp to refer you to a peri natal mental health team for assessment. They deal with people with babies under 1 yr old.

If you think solid sleep would help your coping mechanisms so much more ( it did for me, months of no sleep was horrific), but still struggle then:
Look at routine of your baby
Look at different techniques to get baby to sleep. Choose one that suits you and your age of child and stick to it. Honestly it will work and all babies have to be taught how to sleep.

Sugar cravings may be exhaustion and not ad side effects km( I have never eaten as much rubbish as I did to get through those first 8 months!!)

Ask your gp which parenting classes would help you.

Meeting with other mums can be helpful - to get out of the house, to hear other mums say exactly what you say, to realise being a mum is hard and you are not alone. So see if any mum and toddler groups near you to go to and try one. I found a paid and taught class with only a bit of time really easier to go to than just a play group. The children's centre will do ones for free as well! Many happen on village halls, church halls etc. it is hard but it can help. It is finding things that help you that will help the depression.

For me tiredness, loneliness of being at home most of the day was really hard. So I got a routine - out of house every day. A play group. A taught class. A trip to the library - great as free, a walk and a short chat with librarian made me feel human!!

Lots of people enjoy returning to work - a routine, feeling like earning so can contribute, self worth, thinking about something other than the baby. So hope it gives you a better life balance. If dh doing the childcare make sure you leave him a list of essential household tasks to do when you out ( load of washing, tidy one room, cook hot dinner for you all and wash up), so that he sees what you do every day. He may then realise how hard it is and help more and realise dc needs a good eat, play, sleep routine etc. if he does not manage to cook a main meal for you all as too busy then I a sure you can return the favour??!!!!! I used to hand the baby over to dh and say - look after baby or cook?! I used to choose cooking as the easy option in early days!!

Sorry for essay. It is hard. It will get better when sleep comes back, a routine and support from people. And if not ask for a psychiatric assessment and mental health treatment ( but honestly most people will be fine with sleep, rest, me time etc !!!)