Should I go back on ADs?

[BloodshotDays]

Hi all. First of all, please don't judge me for some of the things I've written. It's just the way I'm thinking atm and I'm afraid I'm not really sure how to articulate it. Also, sorry about the length... I've suffered from Depression and Social Anxiety for goodness knows how long. Earlier in the year I was finally convinced to go to my GP (partly thanks to the support I received on this forum, so thanks again for that).

I was put on Citalopram (20mgs) and after the first rough couple of weeks, I think it really started to help. All good... until my first counselling appt, when the woman was shocked I'd been put on them before talking to a counsellor first. She then advised that actually I was just stressed so enrolled me on a stress course. That proved useless and once I'd had that seed of doubt planted - along with already not liking the idea that I was dependent on something to be happy iyswim? - I tapered myself off of the tablets after about 6 months. I sometimes felt a little distant on them, so wasn't happy about that, but think I lied to myself a bit to convince myself I didn't need them.

A couple of months on, after trying to support myself powered by nothing but my ego and pride, I'm as bad as I've ever been once more. I've had some more stress since but regardless, I remain incapable of getting through life's struggles smoothly and if anything feel worse - I have far too many serious conversations with myself about the pros and cons of suicide to feel comfortable with. The fact I can currently write that without flinching also worries me. I've kind of accepted I'm just waiting for the right time, possibly decades ahead, once I know DD is old enough to no longer need me as a parental figure... which I know sounds awful. But I feel fairly at peace with that train of thought - but that isn't normal is it?

I don't know whether to go back to my GP however as I'm worried they'll ask awkward qs about why I went off the ADs without consulting them in the first place? Also, I'm again worried the counsellors will judge me for saying their course previously didn't help, and also, would you even bother trying to help someone who's so blase about ending their own life one day?

I don't know why I feel that way or what advice I'm hoping for. Just, should I at least try again to improve things for myself? I just don't see the point really if I'm only going to have to struggle through life regardless, where's the joy in that? TIA

[polosareverynice]

I'd go to your gp if i were you simpily on the basis that your having suicidal thoughts, most gps won't jugdge you if tell them you tapered off tablets before. They prefer it if you withdraw off tabs with them to keep an eye on your health it can be dangerous to suddenly stop. But please dont leave it print off your op on here if neccessary theres no shame in asking for help, you just got to be strong enough to take it. If you cant wait call smartians or visit the great white wall online hth x

[BloodshotDays]

Hi. Thanks, I've never heard of the Great White Wall, I'll have a look. The silly thing is I've come so close to ringing Samaritans before just to decide against it as I think I'm getting in the way of people who may need them more than me.. I think the main thing that holds me back is this paranoia at being judged by people. Even when it's silly. So thank you, it's a good bit of encouragement to know I won't be.