Hi ladies, I hope I'm not alone with this so here goes.....
I gave birth to my first child just over 11 weeks ago, a beautiful baby girl who I love more than life itself. I have suffered with health anxiety on & off since I was a teenager, usually having thoughts obsessing that I can identify certain symptoms of horrible illnesses in myself. Until I am cleared by a doctor I continue to experience these 'symptoms' because I can't stop thinking about them.
The day after my daughter was born I was looking at her & suddenly had the most awful thought pop into my head 'I wish you had died' - I immediately felt sick to the stomach because I loved her so much & already felt that I could never be without her, I knew I didn't really wish that so couldn't understand why I had thought it. This happened once or twice when we got home but I didn't dwell on it, after that first week it soon went away & I am sure I had a little case of the baby blues which is what caused it.
For the next 7 weeks I felt fine, no sign of any intrusive thoughts, but then I got my first period since the birth & it was like I went back to where I started! This time it was like I was obsessing over the negative thoughts I had in that first week, I became convinced that those thoughts meant something bad was going to happen, even though I know that thoughts don't make things actually happen. I then became terrified that I would have bad thoughts again, because I kept thinking about them they kept popping into my head 'I wish (insert horrible thing here) would happen' - it is almost as though my brain is preparing me for the worst possible scenario in the most cruel way, by making me think I wish for it even though I know I don't! As a result I have become obsessed with reciting the same thing over & over 'I wish she would die a very old lady after living a very long, happy & healthy life' - sometimes I can think this every 10 seconds!
I often feel scared to look at my baby or think about her, just in case I have a bad thought & I also feel scared of the same when she cries. I feel frightened that this means I don't love her, even though I know I do because if she wasn't here I would have no purpose in life, in fact I'm sure I would just cease to exist.
When she smiles at me, gets excited, holds my hand, when I hold her close & smell her skin it brings tears to my eyes because I am so full of love for her. I am so lucky & it feels so unfair that I should feel like this, I just want it to go away so I can start enjoying my baby. The GP says I don't have PND & am completely normal, she says it's hormonal so has put me back on the pill & advised it will get better - that was 3 weeks ago & it hasn't.
Has anyone else experienced anything similar & if so how did you cope?
Thank you x
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Mental health
Anxiety & Intrusive Thoughts
12 replies
sunflower1996 · 03/10/2013 12:45
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