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Noone seems to believe i am ill, just that im a bad person. what are my options?

(94 Posts)
ArtVandelay Fri 10-May-13 20:57:02

Hello, I've had a series of breakdowns in the past year. Mostly brought on by traumatic life events and the lonliness and isolation of living in a new town where there are no English speaking people. My H is away 50% of the time and I have developed a lot of fear of attacks and accidents and so rarely leave the house. I have pretty much sole care of a toddler and I'm just exhausted from it all. I have no friends here or a network despite working hard to reach out.

My breadowns have been largely untreated - bit of mirtazipine, bit of valium but no respite, talking cure or even a holiday. It's just brushed under the carpet so I will continue to care for my son and do housework whilst my H works.

Yesterday, I burst into tears at a family event because H started to make fun of me and wouldn't stop and so embarrassed my H and DM. They have not spoken to me since execpt for a few attacks about 'you need to grow up', its all about them and I don't know what to do. I've spent the day asleep by taking medicine.

I don't know what to do, I have constant thoughts and plans to kill myself. I tried to get to the Dr today and Psychiatrist but for some reason. All medical offices were having a closed day in my town. I think at this stage I would be safest in hospital but I'm just being told I can't because everyone has plans and I need to take care of my son. What should I do? I thought mental illness is a real illness, and I can't believe I'm being attacked for this. I don't want to feel like this but my life truly is at a dead end.

I'm overseas so can't contact any helplines. It's a&e or nothing and I'm now feeling like noone will believe me. How do I get to Monday when the DR offices open?

DuchessFanny Sat 11-May-13 10:32:47

It sounds pretty relentless !
If you want you can PM me and write it all down, it really dies help to get it all out !
Btw you've done brilliantly doing all you do, it's no wonder you're feeling overwhelmed. It's not easy and if you feel isolated its a thousand times worse !

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 10:43:31

I think its situational. I'm an emotional sort of person generally, but I think that's a strength - I'm very friendly and joyful in reality which is why I can put a front on, I know how to act like that because I know how it feels IYSWIM.

We aren't loaded because of the move and building that damn house but yes, if I could find an English speaking therapist I would take it, my health insurance covers this anyway. I just haven't got the guts or energy to sort this out. When I say I speak fluent German, I do, but that's a long way off being able to talk naturally and with real meaning about feelings or situations. Id say that 90% of my interactions make me feel stupid, embarrassed, stressed and confused right now. So the thought of finding help or just leaving the house makes me scared. Currently I'm lying in bed and its not nice. I'm still being ignored by my family and don't know what to do next. This is ridiculous.

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 10:43:42

Someone said about making plans. I think you need to do that too.
Short term, medium term and long term.

Short term. Keep talking on here to get yourself to Monday. Monday see doctor and psychiatrist. Later in week fly to UK.

Medium term. You may have to decide that.
Would your DH come back to the Uk?

Long term. Allow your mind to be open. Where do you want to be. Ideally, what would you like to be doing.

I do think, at some point, that you living in Germany, or certainly the area you are in, is quite frankly, awful for you. You have done your utmost best to have a support network, but it hasnt worked there. Maybe it would be better in another part of Germany?
Especically with expats?

Your mum. Sadly, I am not sure that she is going to be much help to you wherever you are living.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 10:52:39

Thanks for your messages, I'm going to have a bath, I can't stop crying and don't want to write anything stupid or dramatic. I'll come back when I've calmed down. Thanks.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 11:38:39

My M has just walked into my bedroom without knocking put something in here, ignored me and then walked out leaving the door wide open. Is it just me or is that somebody trying to get a reaction? I can't tell anymore but it does feel very hostile. very afraid. Last night she said she would lock me in the flat and if I called the police she would tell them it was a joke and they would believe her. How did it come to this? I'm in trouble for a crying outburst when

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 11:40:02

I didn't shout at or hit anyone. I can see that I'm not being very fun or entertaining but come on. What have I done that is so bad?

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 11:41:33

I have locked the door now.

DameFanny Sat 11-May-13 11:44:49

Taking an educated guess here, I think you have an abusive mother who trained you up so that you would fall for an abusive husband.

Frankly, depression is the sane response in those circumstances.

Where's your house that you built? Do you have friends there? Is it UK or Germany?

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 11:52:34

One of my thoughts right now is that she's back in her comfy dynamic of her + male figure demonising me to try and make herself look good. That was my childhood really. If that's really what's happening then that's a bit of a blow on top of everything else.

She's got very low self esteem but is a dreadful show-off. She also gives me loads of money, some of which I've taken. I thought that she was just desperate to not be alone in her old age and wanted to be with my DS, I thought shed given up on wanting to control me a long time ago.

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 11:52:52

Has you mother always been like this.
Do she and your husband get along well?

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 11:53:17

x post

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 11:53:38

House is in Germany, great place. Plenty of nice friends and good network generally.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 11:55:00

I don't think my H is that keen on my mum, I also think he isn't particularly controlling, more just self centered and singleminded. Very inconsiderate.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 11:57:38

I can't say any of my H's behaviour was ever an issue when I had my mates around me and stuff to do.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 12:01:37

He doesn't do porn/sex messaging/ affairs sort of abuse. We have a joint account, I feel like I can do what I want - but with the provisio - that its accompanied by DS and doesn't interfere with his work. So yes, its a relationship with problems but up until this thought it was reasonably okay.

StoicButStressed Sat 11-May-13 12:04:20

PLEASE KEEP THIS SITE bookmarked and if you feel like you may be about to act on your thoughts then PLEASE go to it.

YOU are not mad or 'just a body' and worthless; you are ILL - in same way someone with diabetes or cancer or a broken leg is ILL.

If helps, please hang on to the fact that it sounds like you are currently surrounded by people who ARE being fucking worthless - the bedroom scenario you describe above is vile on so many levels but NONE of them about YOU.

Samaritans have an e-mail service so PLEASE use that too if cannot get help until Monday, or simply ring them from overseas (can google local branches which have their phone numbers on).

Above all, just hang on in there even if just one minute at a time - your son would NOT be better off without you; that's simply a lie of a thought that your mind, which is ILL, is telling you. Sx

DameFanny Sat 11-May-13 12:04:43

Does he have any good points, or is it just that he doesn't do worse stuff? If he doesn't want responsibility for your son, what's his relationship with his other children?

DameFanny Sat 11-May-13 12:09:53

For what it's worth, from your description of the things you do and have done, you sounds to me like a lively, sociable and resilient person. Look to your actions - don't believe other people's assessments of you - they don't have your best interests at heart.

Please don't do something silly - the world is a better place with you in it. Your mother and husband maybe not so much.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 12:16:58

I just don't have any ideas anymore. The more questions you ask, I guess the worse it is if I'm honest. I'm going to have to think of something to do because staying locked in here is not doing me any good even if it does keep people out.

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 12:21:21

Can I just say as well that I've had diagnosis of burn-out, anxiety and depression since last June so I'm not making this up, nor has it been sprung on anyone out of the blue.

DameFanny Sat 11-May-13 12:22:28

Can you take ds out for the afternoon? Go to a movie if dd's is old enough? Get some fresh air?

DameFanny Sat 11-May-13 12:22:48

Sorry, ds that should have been

Ilikethebreeze Sat 11-May-13 12:26:53

We believe you.
I have had a brief look at your posts before this thread, as I think I may have been on a thread with you in the past.
You actually seem to be a very strong woman indeed, though you may not feel like it right at this minute.
How long is your mum supposed to be staying for?
Is she supposed to be flying back to the UK with you?
And what about your DH. Is he flying back too?

Sorry for all the questions.
Just ignore any of them if you want to.
I appreciate you are under an enormous strain.

We could all just post silly posts till monday if that is what would help you best. smile

ArtVandelay Sat 11-May-13 12:30:44

DS is happy with M. I don't know what to do with him so I don't think.I should take him. He is only 2 so it would be the park and I'm scared of seeing aquaintences in case I act funny.

Viviennemary Sat 11-May-13 12:37:39

I'm not an expert but your illness seems a lot worse because of the lonely life you are leading with your husband being away and no support network of other mums to share problems with.

And I agree with the person who says you will have a lot more chance of happiness and getting better if you are away from these people who are not helping in any way. I think even a person who didn't have depression would be miserable if they were cut off from friends and some sort of support network.

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