Really struggling with health anxiety about my ds (16 weeks old) what's the next step I am really struggling to cope :(

[honeytea]

I gave birth to my lovely ds 16 weeks ago, I was anticipating PND and had read about the possibility of not feeling a rush of love for him but I had the opposite happen, I felt such overwhelming love for ds and such a need to protect him that I feel out of my depth.

Ds had very bad rs virus at 5 weeks old and was in hospital for nearly a week needing support for his breathing, he took a turn for the worse very suddenly and we had a mad rush to the hospital with ds turning blue, we then had a blue light ambulance ride to a bigger hospital, we were taken directly into resus and the nurses were saying "oh god look how blue that baby is" to each other. Ds made a full recovery but since then I have been so so worried about illness.

I live in Sweden but I am from the UK and we were due to go to the UK over Easter to see my family, I couldn't bare the thought of traveling and risking all the germs especially rs-virus which would probably be another strain in the uk.

My aunt and cousin came to visit me instead but my cousin was ill, I tried to rationalise it and tell myself if was unlikely ds will get ill as he is strong and I breastfeed and my cousin was at the tail end of her illness.

Anyway Ds did get ill, he had a tummy bug last week, just lots of dirty nappies no throwing up. Today I thought he was better but he has started to cough very much when he first wakes up from a nap, he coughs to the point that his eyes water and he is gasping for breath, the cough isn't constant just once maybe twice when he first wakes up (for maybe 30 seconds each time)

I paniked this evening and called the Swedish version of nhs direct, they said if I was worried I should take him to a+e so we did, when we got there the nurse said ds looked fine and his oxygen levels were 98-99% which is perfect especially for a baby with a cold, at that stage I said ok, I am happy to take him home but the nurse said oh no your here now you should see a dr. We then waited for more than 3 hours, I was stood in the corner as far away from all the other people crying holding dsI was so worried about him catching even more germs. We eventually left as ds was sleeping and breathing fine, my reasoning was that if they were worried they would have not left us waiting 3 hours, all they would give to ds would be "inhalations" which is the same as standing in a hot shower with him.

I have lost all faith in my own instincts because I got it so wrong the first time ds had rs virus, I had no idea how a newborn should breath, I really feel like I let ds down, now I am so hyper aware.

I don't know what to do, I don't really want to take anti anxiety drugs as I am breastfeeding but I don't want my constant anxiety to spoil the first few months of ds's life.

My aunt has suggested some kind of counciling to talk over the experience when ds was in hospital but I feel like really we had it so much easier than most people at the hospital and I am just over reacting.

I am so worried about my baby dieing from sids I have been sat up watching him sleep all night.

Any ideas how I can get help/what helpI needto ask for?

Thank you, I know its long.

[bluebell222]

honeytea, sorry for the experiences you had :(.
i am guessing this is your first child.
i think your aunt is right; counselling is the best option in your case.
if i were you, i would arrange one asap.
you cant torture yourself with worry like that instead of enjoying your time with your baby, its unbearable.
i wish you best times with your baby :).

[LillyofWinchester]

It sounds like you are having a really hard time especially as your baby has been ill. You are being very hard on yourself as you are doing the very best for your baby and they can get ill so suddenly, it must have been a horrible situation to be in when he was 5 weeks.

I think you should see if you can get some councilling if possible, and don't feel like you shouldn't need it just because you saw other sicker babies - most parents would feel really shaken up by what you describe. The sooner you can organise the councilling the sooner you'll be able to start enjoying these precious early days with your child.

I can also imagine that being scared of your son getting sick again or catching sometime might make you more fearful of going out and seeing other people, thus making you feel quite isolated and giving you more time to dwell and over-think things - almost a vicious circle. If this is the case perhaps you could set yourself tiny little goals, such as today I will go to the shop, or today I will go and see a friend or attend a mum and baby group. Start with small challenges and work up to bigger things as you feel ready. This will increase your confidence and make you feel like you are making progress.

Good luck and I really hope you feel better soon.

[honeytea]

Thank you for the support and advice :)

I am actually good at going out to groups and meeting other mums, I know I will go crazy.

My little boy is nearly 100% better and I have been feeling much calmer, I am planning a trip to the dr next week

:)

[mercibucket]

time is a big healer as well. how you feel sounds a v natural reaction that will fade with time as he stays well and healthy and you regain confidence. counselling or just a good talk with someone who cares sounds good too