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Can I report myself to social services?

(44 Posts)
queencat Sat 02-Mar-13 21:34:52

I don't know where to turn really, I'm losing control of my situation and I'm really worried I'm going to just lose it. I'm by myself with 3 children, I work constantly, my middle child has ADHD and is extremely trying.

She is always raging how much she hates me, hates her life wishes I was dead,

I just can't cope anymore, if I report myself to social services what will happen. I'm actually frightened I'm going to snap.

Please help me.

queencat Sun 03-Mar-13 20:03:45

Thanks colditz the issue is he has never had to deal with her by herself or 'one on three' with the school run and work etc he has taken her on holiday with his gf and one other sibling never all three at the same time.

Ledkr Sun 03-Mar-13 19:31:12

That's what I said colditz my ex sees dd once a fecking week. I M massively unconcerned about any opinions he has hmm

colditz Sun 03-Mar-13 19:24:56

If he takes you to court because you give the clinically indicated medication for her diagnosed medical problem, he is going to look like a complete twat.

I suggest you tell him to take her for a week. Let him deal with it if its so fucking easy.

Ledkr Sun 03-Mar-13 19:23:18

Re reading your post, if you really think they are at risk of you hurting them do tell ss they can help you and won't whip them into care.
It sounds silly but the Samaritans helped me greatly once and not with suicidal thoughts. They are a minefield of information.

Ledkr Sun 03-Mar-13 19:20:33

The school can do a caf for her it's good in that it can pull together a few different agencies to look at how best to move forward.
Ask the senco at her school to arrange one.
It's so horrible to be fobbed off especially when it's the last thing you feel like to keep pushing but do try to.
Your dd may have suffered some trauma from the split and the effect it had upon you and your ability to parent at the time (completely understandable)
Was she like this before the break up?

JakeBullet Sun 03-Mar-13 19:13:09

Hi queencat, my son was prescribed it more because trying to focus on school work was very hard for him. Withing three months of going on the medication he could finally read...he was nearly 9 at this point.

I think the temper tantrums while worse with ADHD are not always caused by it if you see what I mean. Usually there is a trigger for them...with DS it is frustration leading to terrible rages and door slamming. I can't say that his medication (he is on Medikinet) has stopped those but I have got better at second guessing him, the school have also done some fantastic stuff to help him tame his "raging monster". There is a fabulous book called "The Red Beast" which they use with him in school and also another book called "A volcano in my tummy".

My DS is also having some counselling at the moment and the counsellor has suggested a cheap white pillowcase on which I can draw a figure and then get DS to identify where he feels sensations when he is angry. Then on the other side to write 10 things he could do to calm down. It sounds fab and am going to try it.....the trick of course is n getting the child to engage and use the technique....DS finds remembering what to do when he is angry quite hard.

I sympathise because I know how isolating and frustrating it is when a child behaves like this. DS is also on the autistic spectrum too so obviously has extra stuff going on but is high functioning so in mainstream school etc. Where in the country are you? Anywhere near Essex as there are some good supportive groups here?

Julezboo Sun 03-Mar-13 19:11:14

In a similar way queencat. Not helpful but hope it helps to know you aren't alone sad

Hoophopes Sun 03-Mar-13 19:08:26

A CAF may be a good idea, as it would look at your daughters diagnosis and look at what treatments could help her. Therefore if they suggest medication, then her father couldn't refuse it or use that medical need against you by threatenting court!! School or medical people would be involved, and if you ask for it indeed a worker from Social Care. There is funding for respite, but it is hard to get - i know families with children with downs syndrome get monthly respite care through Social Care, which is where the funding is sorted from, so their other child(ren) can have time as a family doing tihngs that the other child in respite cannot manage.

signposting to other services sounds useful. Could you ask school for a meeting with the SENCO to see if they could offer support ideas also?

Spoonful Sun 03-Mar-13 19:03:08

I was going to say homestart (I self referred to them) but they only cover families with under fives.

I don't think there would be any harm in talking to SS. They will probably be able to signpost you to other people. I hope things get better for you.

wellcoveredsparerib Sun 03-Mar-13 18:57:09

a caf can be raised by any agency working with your child. school or health would be best places to start. hope things improve for you op.

queencat Sun 03-Mar-13 18:53:53

Hi Jake can you please let me know what ritalin actually does? Will it calm her down and make her less angry?

queencat Sun 03-Mar-13 18:31:19

How do I get a CAF? Our split was not acrimonious but it came out if nowhere I wasn't expecting it so it was a massive blow and was almost like somebody had died I was completely incapable of dealing with it or the children.

wellcoveredsparerib Sun 03-Mar-13 10:34:28

sorry to hear you sound so desperate op. if your daughter is not showing any of the extreme behaviour she shows to you in other settings I am not sure the ADHD diagnosis stands up. i would talk to your gp about a referral to camhs and don't let him /her fob you off. you could also talk to school about a Caf. it could be your daughter needs help to work through her feeling s of anger and powelessness about divorce and as others have said can't show that to her dad as he could reject her again so you get the full force.

Ledkr Sun 03-Mar-13 10:18:27

You could ring the children's help desk and ask to speak to a duty worker in the children's team. It does sound as if you need support and you are entitled to it.
Was your referral to camhs? Because you should make sure the go did that referral and if so ring them directly and ask what' has happened.
Can your ex take her for a few days extra especially as he is so good for her!!
Someone needs to help you plan and implement a behaviour plan.
Is she the youngest? Was your split nasty? Did you have pnd? Could she have any attachment issues.?
The school are obligated to help you. Does she have a caf?

SignoraStronza Sun 03-Mar-13 10:01:56

Sorry. fast fingers on phone! As I was saying, a really useful organisation to contact for support would be Home Start (don't know how to link it on phone but comes up first on Google searches).

SignoraStronza Sun 03-Mar-13 09:59:50

Sorry to hear you're struggling. A really good first port of call e would be

JakeBullet Sun 03-Mar-13 09:38:36

A good site I have found really helpful is this one. It's got a downloadable toolkit which I have found very helpful and also reward charts etc if you want them.

Your ex is being an arse, medication could massively improve the quality of his DD's life.

Is she like this with him? My DS can be a little angel with his Dad...or not depending in how he feels. Thankfully my exH is very supportive of us...I am fortunate.

Thinking of you because I really do know how hard ADHD can be to manage.

JakeBullet Sun 03-Mar-13 09:06:23

Queencat, medication has been a Godsend for my DS. He does still have meltdowns though. Is it possible she is also at the upper end of the autistic spectrum. ...it's very vast?

noraa Sun 03-Mar-13 07:32:31

sorry for your situation sad,trying ritalin is your easiest option im guessing.

lougle Sat 02-Mar-13 22:15:18

Private Paeds don't tend to lie, even if they're being paid.

Come over to SN...let us help you unravel it. We might even have some ideas on making life easier?

queencat Sat 02-Mar-13 21:59:54

She was diagnosed privately last year with ADHD, I took her to see someone privately as the GP wasn't listening to me. Her father told me I paid to get the diagnosis that I wanted to hear and that if I gave her medication then he would take he to court.

Her biggest issues are that she has temper tantrums almost hourly, she refuses to go to bed, she hisses and spits at me , trashes her room, won't do as she is told, attacks get brother and sister. At school she behaves but struggles with her writing when she walks out if the school all hell breaks loose and she is horribly up until she finally goes to sleep.

I really don't know if her behaviour is ADHD or I'm just fucking it up and can't control her.

JakeBullet Sat 02-Mar-13 21:58:02

Queencat, is taking a break from work a possibility for you? I have been in your position and a year ago I gave up work after 30 years of employment.....it's the best thing I ever did as I feel like a human being again.a

Dealing with ADHD is hard, my DS is autistic with ADHD and can be very challenging at times. I am fortunate enough to be in social housing so at the moment my rent is paid etc although after 12 months I am now about to start work again. Not full time but enough to keep me same while being able to meet DS's needs.

Is there am ADHD support group near you at all?

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 02-Mar-13 21:57:35

lovely knowledgable post bout lougle there - do please take her advice.

Look - i have a seven year old DD with no additional needs, im in a good relationship and I shout and my DD in utter frustration sometimes (many times - most days) I am not proud of it, but mums do shout - its not ideal but it happens.

She is badly behaved for you because she feels closer to you than her father, she KNOWS your love is unconditional that you wont leave her - but he did didn't he, so the poor mite feels she has to be good for him or he wont see her. That plus the fact taht you are the one to do all the day to day boring stuff while he gets to take her out etc.

ARe you on any medication - it could be that ADs will be a real help for you. Please go back to your doctor.

We are all here for you - you are not alone and by far not the only mum to struggle.

IlianaDupree Sat 02-Mar-13 21:57:30

Hi, I had a situation a few years ago and phoned social services. They didn't do much in terms of directing me to support but they did chat to me and supported me as much as they could.

I found help through asking charities, mind, women's aid (not relevant to you) and my gp.

Go back to your gp and stress how hard it is for you and can they please help with referrals for you and your dc.

There are people out there who will help, it just means a lot of phoning around.

Keep strong.

MajaBiene Sat 02-Mar-13 21:56:52

Can their dad take more responsibility for them for a while? Could middle daughter go and live with him until you get on your feet?

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