I don't know where to start. It feels like everything has been going wrong for a long time. I will try to keep it brief!
I had a miscarriage with an ex years ago and it prompted me to think about how much I wanted a child. FFWD a few years and I figure I don't have a partner and the men I had had long term relationships with weren't great. I decided to look at adoption, no dice as am single and although have savings and house they weren't interested. Looked into donoring and IVF and had concerns about failing/hormones and the fact if you get a donor you don't know who they are. Read up A LOT about kids searching strangers faces for likeness to 'find' their father and decided this wasn't for me. Found a site where you meet guys who want to donate and can conceive with them as donors, known to you. Met a guy who was lovely - just what I would want in a partner. After a few weeks we decided to give a relationship a go - I was skeptical due to how we met tbh. I fall pg fairly quickly and he is apparently happy to be daddy. Moves in and we have christmas/NYE etc together. Cracks start showing and he walks out when I am 16 weeks pg which threw me, as I had just got my head around having a daddy when previously I had been utterly happy being a single mum through choice. I had a friend at the time, I say friend but was a person I knew vaguely from school, who offered to act as mediator (we were not being civil and she was worried because I was pg) so I let her contact him on my behalf. I don't know details of this but he was telling her one thing and me another. She seemed to be actively enjoying the fact he was msging her more than me. Anyway it all blew up and I asked her to stop but she refused saying he was lovely and I was mad. He then comes back into our lives (skipping fwd a month or so) and says he knew she was mad from the get go and will never speak to her again. I am desperately trying to feel stable with him again. He is arrogant, tries to break up a few friendships of mine and is very rude to everyone I know. Even my dad had him being openly rude to him (dad v. quiet and kind) because this guy thought he was being stupid, when my dad just doesn't rise to arguments. So the 'donor' who I am in a relationship is around for the birth, living with me, having convinced me he is not a donor and will always be around for both me and DC. He spoke twice about getting married and we discussed moving to Australia (me selling all of my assets and using savings to buy a house over there, he had nothing to contribute) before I realised this was a naive thing to do and put the brakes on. Turns out his ex was in the city he so desperately wanted to move to... Anyway (SO SORRY THIS IS SO LONG!) He is at the birth - EMCS and 3 day labour, nightmare. He has had an operation on his leg and making it all about him to anyone who will listen, goes mental when ambulance 'leaves' him at my house and he has to pay £50 in taxi fare to hospital - shouts at me when he arrives. Comes into theatre and takes lots of pics of the placenta, not our DD (?). Lives with us for 4 months after this. Should mention here that he has been using codine and morphine (for leg, but is also addicted to it) and drinking heavily. Used to come home on last train with bloodshot eyes and stinking of booze and falling over whilst swearing blind he had only had one or two after work. Started taking toothbrush into work when he saw this wasn't washing with me. Began doing odd things at home - burnt a massive hole in DD's play mat when decided to 'clean out' the fire grate we had had a fire in, spilling pints of squash over electrical goods (happened x3!) and let DD lie on landing when he had a shower (he was apparently desperate to do this straight after work!?) when we have a bouncer in the bathroom and I only asked him to have her for 10 mins....so really not safe with her. It all culminates in me finding him drinking in my attic/spare room at 10:30am (was hiding martini and vodka and empty cans of cocktails stashed under bed). I asked him to leave right then as he was even trying to lie his way out of that. He left. Sees DD a few times, we are roughly civil. He goes on holiday with a woman I had told him I was suspicious of before about 2 weeks after leaving my house. Pics of them on FB despite him never allowing pics of his DD on there. I decide to ask for maintenance as he is still seeing DD and turning up late (4hrs in one case) and changing dates etc. He can't be pinned down. I ask him to set it up via CSA as our efforts end in arguments. He says he called them and they tell him to get legal advice. I am confused, call them, they say they have never heard of him and would have said no such thing. I start my case through them (appx 2 months after asking him to sort it out with them). He goes mental. Suddenly starts asking what happens to DD if I die. Then changes tack and says he will sign anything to say he will never see her again as long as he has no financial responsibility. I refuse to draw up said doc and he gets angrier. I explain I want him to see her, but need stability. He has continued, for the last 11 months to msg me that I should get a job, I am wasting my life and am lazy, I caused his anxiety and made him drink, I have a hole in my soul, I have ruined his life (recently lost job and new g.f, due to me not seeing him for 11 months!), I am making up a relationship where there was none etc etc.
In the meantime I had a partner. We went out for about 7 months and I accidentally fell pg. We clearly weren't careful enough and it was a really bad thing to happen. I initially thought I could have the baby and we would be happy, but the continuing messages from ex were driving a wedge between me and new b.f. We began arguing as he didn't understand why I wanted ex in DD's life and wanted to take over financially. I kept explaining ex would turn up regardless of whether he was paying or not. To prove this ex turns up about 2 days after! New partner opens door. Ex asks for me and tells me he has liver failure and the stress of CSA is driving him to drink which would kill him. Begs me to drop CSA. I am shocked and say I will see what I can do. As soon as he leaves I get angry and decide it is a lie (many many lies with this man and am trying to keep it brief) so do nothing. New guy and I argue more now as he is aware ex will turn up and says it is because of CSA he is doing it. I see his point but have to keep saying he will turn up regardless, he likes the power. The only way to get anything out of the situation is to take him to court and get it legally resolved. New guy not happy. New guy decides he needs a new car and signs up for one behind my back, luckily not with my name or address on. Lies to me about monthly payments for it. I love car. I find paperwork for car and don't love car anymore. Confront new guy and flip - he is going to entangle DD and I in his not very wise money problems. I break up with new guy. I am now 12 wks pg and have to decide if I can be a single mum to 2 kids with different dads. Decide I cannot do it. Under a lot of strain with other things in my life and want to focus on DD who is my reason for living and we are happy just the two of us. Don't think I can cope with another baby and birth scares me after last one. Offered psychotherapy but have to make decision fast so it doesn't happen in time. Ask doc to sign me up for abortion. Major turmoil as never thought I would have one, never had to make the choice before. Clinic then has issues because I had thrombo phlebitus in pg with DD and it takes 3 weeks and 2 cancelled (by them) appt's and finally at 15.5wks I am there having it done. I am ashamed to say I felt such relief afterwards that I cancelled the therapy. I honestly thought the stress of birth and having another baby on my own was the main worry.
Almost as soon as I cancel therapy ex starts up more agressive than ever. Skip on a few months and this week I found out pain in my womb is a 4cm cyst, I have the onset of arthritis in my lower back, a friend who has a grudge (but was still happy to have dinner with me 2 weeks ago) has been messaging ex (DD's dad) about me, saying I am making a lot of things up - I assure you this is all real btw, this is a separate issue she has with me to do with her being nasty about HER b.f to me and is now worried I will tell him - and a letter from Court from his dad saying I am poison/mentally unstable/making up a relationship with his son and I took advantage of him.
So tonight I feel pretty shit. We have the tribunal later this week and ex will no doubt bring out the big guns to try to make me look like a basket case and psycho. I don't know what, other than not paying for his DD, he wants to achieve but he is seriously driving me to self harm again. I haven't done this since my early 20's (a decade ago) and I keep wondering what would happen if I wasn't here. My DD is EVERYTHING to me. We paint together, go out whatever the weather to see people/playgroups, meet my friends all over the country and she has everything physically she needs. I never cry in front of her and always laugh with her and blow raspberries on her tummy etc. I am so scared she will somehow be affected by this. I know she is the only reason I cannot and will not fall apart. I just really really need to. If I could have a few days to lock myself away and cut huge chunks out of myself I would. I just don't ever want her to know I feel like I need that.
Someone, please tell me I am not actually insane? I feel like my life is conspiring against me and wonder if I am somehow doing it to myself. I have good friends around me who have been speaking to me for hours tonight. They have known me for years and years and say I am just to honest and open and willing to pick up strays and that is why I get hurt. I am so unsure of myself though and beginning to be very paranoid, especially after my 'friend' contacted my ex about me making things up. She lived with me for months rent free and I gave her so much time and love. I can't understand why she wants to hurt me like this when she used to say she hated my ex and even nicknamed him The Toad!
So sorry this is so long. Thank you for reading the complete mayhem of the last 2 years of my life! Feels a lot better now I have written it down actually.
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Mental health
Really need some perspective here - LONG!
13 replies
AmISabbotagingMyLife · 12/12/2012 01:03
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