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Sick of the woman who assaulted me just wandering around whilst my fucking life is ruined.

(116 Posts)
SirBoobAlot Tue 04-Dec-12 23:48:35

I was verbally assaulted at 13. It triggered a serious mental health condition. I'm 21, it was eight years ago, and yet when I got on a bus yesterday and saw her on there, I flew off. I then had a massive panic attack at the bus stop, and sobbed hysterically on the phone to a friend all the way home.

I now feel trapped in my house. One of the reasons I moved was so that I was on a different bus route to her (I know where she lives, she wasn't a stranger). I already can't go to an area of town because I saw her there a few months ago.

I am so fucking sick of this. So sick of her. She ruined my fucking life, and yet she had no change to hers. She got a warning from the police at the time, but was still allowed to continue training as a TA - at my brothers school, FFS.

Hate is such a draining emotion, but God I hate her. I hate her and what she has done to me. My life is in tatters because of what she said to me. I'm self destructive, and I have cut the shit out of my arms for the first time in weeks, and I am so angry at myself.

I wish she would fucking disappear. I wish she would live one day with the mental state she has driven me to.

I don't want to die, but Jesus I don't want this life any more, and its not changing. I'm so tired of it. So so tired.

Greensleeves Wed 05-Dec-12 00:49:28

Yes you will be free of it. It just doesn't feel like it right now.

I doubt your CPN would react the way your mum did - your mum's reaction is a pretty common one I think, "well why didn't you just confront her"

but not common among people who have been through this shit, or worked with people who are seriously traumatised and not just a bit peeved. Your nurse might understand things a bit better than your mum.

livingfortoday Wed 05-Dec-12 00:50:05

that would be traumaticfir you

SirBoobAlot Wed 05-Dec-12 00:54:28

Im just so tired of it. So tired.

I can hear her laughing at me, and telling me to hurt myself.

I've found the number for the OOH mental health team but I'm frightened they will want to section me or something.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 05-Dec-12 00:54:52

It doesn't sound like strength to me, to shriek that sort of abuse at a 13 year old child.
It sounds like a very inadequate, weak, pathetic excuse for a human being.

Greensleeves Wed 05-Dec-12 00:56:41

Call them Boob. You need their help. It won't be as bad as you think, and you cannot go on like this. You can't put up with being in pain like this. If you had a broken leg you'd call an ambulance, wouldn't you?

The chances of you being sectioned are slim to none. It's bloody difficult to get someone sectioned.

SirBoobAlot Wed 05-Dec-12 01:00:35

I am having to keep my lights on tonight, and have got my craft knife under my pillow in case she finds me. I know its ridiculous, but I can't rationalise, and I feel so unsafe now.

Why the fuck couldn't she have stuck to her normal bus route, ffs?

Greensleeves Wed 05-Dec-12 01:04:14

I used to hide behind the sofa with all the curtains drawn - there was zero rational chance of anything happening to me, but I was terrified. I remember psyching myself up to go to the loo.

I'm really feeling for you, it is a terrible place to be. And don't feel guilty or ashamed about the cutting. It's not a good thing to do, as you know, but it's a symptom. I really hope you can get some real life support as well as good old MN (it's saved my arse more than once)

SirBoobAlot Wed 05-Dec-12 01:07:44

I'm sorry that you felt that way. Thank you for making me feel a bit less crazy.

I've taken some valium, don't think I can cope with using the phone right now, but am going to put a DVD on so that the room is still bright, and try to get some sleep. DS is going to be up in six hours. Going to try and get him in for an extra day at playschool tomorrow. I am not functioning right now.

Sorry to be such a freak.

Greensleeves Wed 05-Dec-12 01:09:09

You're not crazy or a freak. I hope you get some good sleep x

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 05-Dec-12 01:13:55

Oh sweetheart, you're not a freak.
Hope that works out for tomorrow, good idea.
Sleep well I hope. xxx

Mumsnet has saved mine too, Greensleeves.

And come to think of it, I think you have a couple of times, SirBoob! Sorry you're having to deal with this - sounds very much like PTSD or complex PTSD - not that I am qualified to say over tinternet, of course.

My abuser from childhood has moved very VERY closeby to me - the first I knew of it was when I practically tripped over him at the supermarket! confused

I always used to feel safe here, now I am looking at every man that passes me and thinking 'is that him? is he around her somewhere? Has he spotted me?' sad

I struggling with a lot of the same shit you are honey, but I bet we'll find a way through it. It's just hard to visualise that right now.

BlueyDragon Wed 05-Dec-12 07:22:10

How are you this morning, SirBoob?

FivesAndNorks Wed 05-Dec-12 07:30:19

shock sirboob, what a pathetic excuse for a human she is. Im so sorry you're going through this. Can I just check, is your cpn supportive?
You are not a freak. You are ill and you are struggling. As most of us will be at some point during our lives. Her awful words and actions are actialy nothing to do with you as a person.

madasa Wed 05-Dec-12 07:55:19

Sirboob I don't know if it's still the case but I know the Samaritans used to phone people back if you asked them. I think they will also arrange for someone to call you at a particular time the next day or so......sometimes just knowing someone is going to call might help.

You can also e-mail them if you have access to e-mail. Not as instant as a call but sometimes might help to get everything down in writing and you can re read their reply which could help when you are feeling really bad.

I'm sorry you are going through this...it sounds horrendous

SirBoobAlot Wed 05-Dec-12 09:17:58

I had a dream that I shot myself last night, and was bitterly disappointed when I woke up. Hate feeling like this, and this low.

Failed miserably as a mother this morning, DS wanted scotch pancakes, so I just gave them to him. And then he wanted more. So he had six scotch pancakes for breakfast, because I could not deal with the battle of getting him to eat something else. He also spotted my arms when my jumper sleeve caught on the door handle, and now I feel twice as bad as I did. He asked me what happened and I said I had fallen over - at three he will accept that. But at six, when he goes into school talking about it? Feel disgusted with myself.

I got a friend to take him to playschool, because I just can't cope with parenting today. I managed to function on a vaguely human level for long enough to get him dressed and do his lunch, and now I just want to cry.

On days like this I wonder if all the people who told me that I shouldn't have continued the pregnancy, or should put the baby up for adoption, were right. He shouldn't be having to deal with me like this. I love him, but that isn't always enough, is it?

God, look at how many "I"'s are in that. I'm sorry (see, another one) to be such a self obsessed bitch. I can normally ride out my moods, knowing they will shift in a few hours, and this just isn't.

MadameOvary Wed 05-Dec-12 09:27:16

Oh Sweetheart, you need to vent, and you can do so here. I don't have anything useful to add that hasn't already been said, but so sorry you are going through this. That person who assaulted you was lowlife, pathetic, weak pond scum. You might not feel it right now but just posting here has shown how brave you are. Hope MN can help a little in getting you through this.

BegoniaBigtoes Wed 05-Dec-12 09:33:40

SirBoob, she's not stronger than you - anyone who would do that to you is pathetic. You've survived this long, you have a family, you fight your fight every day, it's a tough one and you still do it. A setback is just that, you can and will come back from it.

You know I had no idea you were 21, your posts are often so witty and wise and I've always enjoyed your funny comments, I thought you were older. You've been through a lot. You're at a low ebb, but please don't give up - try to see yourself a few years from now, so much happier and more distanced from this horrible cow.

Sorry for not knowing but are you on any AD meds? If not I do think it's worth considering, or perhaps changing them if you are. From experience, the right ones can really get you through a bad patch and make things a lot easier.

Lastly re this person - what she did was foul, but I do think you're giving her more power in your mind than she actually has, IYSWIM. She's just a mean, miserable saddo who was hurtful to you and who is still kicking around like a bad penny. You're so much better. Sometimes, you can feel a certain way about a person and then one day - pouf! - the scales fall from your eyes and you see them for what they are, and they hold no power any more. I've had that happen, I hope it will for you too.

BegoniaBigtoes Wed 05-Dec-12 09:35:39

Oh and btw, I don't generally consider myself a bad mother, and scotch pancakes would be considered a fine breakfast in this house. Don't beat yourself up about that.

SirBoobAlot Wed 05-Dec-12 09:36:15

I'm 21 and currently frightened to leave my house. Brave isn't the word that comes to mind right now.

Thank you to all of you who have taken the time to respond to this self indulgent ridiculousness.

SirBoobAlot Wed 05-Dec-12 09:40:17

I was on ADs until about six months ago. There's a lot of research showing that with my particular condition they aren't actually very useful, because the emotional storms (as they're called) happen so swiftly, and to extremes. Had been thinking about asking for mood stabilizers now that DS has weaned.

BegoniaBigtoes Wed 05-Dec-12 09:40:59

You're brave because you're experiencing these extremely difficult feelings, facing them and reaching out to ask for support. That takes courage. Bravery that people who don't encounter feelings like that can't begin to imagine.

Hope you don't mind me posting you a bit of a poem that sums this up for me (by Gerard Manley Hopkins):

O the mind, mind has mountains; cliffs of fall
Frightful, sheer, no-man-fathomed. Hold them cheap
May who ne’er hung there.

BegoniaBigtoes Wed 05-Dec-12 09:45:01

Some ADs are prescribed for anxiety so that might be worth looking into, or mood stabilizers as you say. I think talking to someone medical about it might help, just to feel you're ding something practical. I don't think you'll be sectioned at all.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 05-Dec-12 10:31:46

Good morning SirBoob, so sorry you're still so low. A visit to your GP for some help sounds like a very good idea.
And scotch pancakes sounds like a fine breakfast to me.

ElectricSoftParade Wed 05-Dec-12 10:45:58

SirBoob God, I am so sorry you are feeling like this. What a vile woman.

I know you said you didn't feel like you could go out but what about a mini meet-up before Christmas. Just a quiet one? DH is working away most of December but I could get over to Brighton (would have to bring the DCs) and we could have a look at the Christmas lights and whatnot?

Or if you don't fancy that you are more than welcome to visit the wilds of near Eastbourne smile. On a direct train route from Bton. All quiet and peaceful (apart from DCs).

If you don't fancy any of that, PM me if you feel like it. Am thinking of you and Scotch pancakes are a lovely breakfast. ESP x

vintageviolets Wed 05-Dec-12 10:54:30

You can say 'I' as much as you want on here, because this is your thread. It is about you, and we are here for you.
What she said to you that day was vile. She was probably angry with her own daughter for being a bully and took it out on you.

You have done something with your life, you are raising a little boy that loves you, you sound like a wonderful person on here, i have often thought that.

Your photo of you and your son on your profile is absolutely beautiful, you should be really proud of what you have achieved.

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