Birth Trauma PTSD Support Thread

[Iamjustthemilkmachine]

Hello, please point me i the right direction if there is already one of these, but if not I'd like to start it.
My ds was born almost 9 months ago, and finally two weeks ago I was diagnosed with ptsd and will start CBT soon. I have received lots and lots of support from mners in this time and know there are other people in here suffering in the same way, so why not get together and share/moan/celebrate/support etc?
Being diagnosed has helped a lot, even if the assesments have been gruelling, mainly by validating my feelings, regardless of what my experience may seem to others, and by making me feel a little bit less guilty at feelling low, down or sad.
Because ptsd happens because of your own perception of the events I have not included my story here, and still find difficult to write or talk about it, but if it helps you, share as much or as little as you want.

bump.

Getting a birth debrief is really helpful.

Is CBT all you have been offered? How about medication, more traditional talking therapy or EMDR?

I am now fairly belatedly having EMDR for a mix of birth trauma, '3 weeks in NICU with very sick ds' trauma and child abuse and it is shockingly helpful and quick.

Yay I'm not alone!

Luminescense I did have a debrief and it was helpful in some ways, thanks.

Madmouse I was offered meds (by a not so good gp who didn't know which one was ok while bf and prescribed something not very nice and which after asking again I didn't take) I could have something else, like seraltrine (sp??) but really wanted to avoid medication, although at some points in the past 8 months I have screamed 'gime the drugs!!!'.
EMDR was mentioned by a friend, but privatedly it is too expenssive and I thought it was not offered on the nhs, cbt seemed the next best thing.

MrsB24 sorry about that. At least your hv is up to date enough to know about it, mine was awful and suggested counselling for bonding, which has never been a problem and I kept telling her so.
My cbt therapist actually said that counselling is not helpful for ptsd, and having done 6 weeks of counselling through a charity I can testify to that, it was awful, going over and over what happened and how it made me feel was NOT what I needed. So if your gp suggests that I'd say to tell her no way and request straight away the cbt, for which you are a priority by having a baby under one year old.

i waited 7 years before i asked for therapy, and in the end only did it because i efectively ground to a halt, so went through the student counselling service. they were really very good.

these days (8yrs+) i have the occasional flashback but tbh it's now manageable.

i have great respect for you ladies seeking help so soon. i found time very helpful, but not enough in the end.

Wanted to say thanks to Iamjustthemilkmachine for starting this thread.
My situation sounds very similar to yours (without going into detail obviously). Was just browsing mental health forums and feels very timely that I've come across this thread. I'm currently waiting for CBT, I've been told the waiting list is at least 12 weeks.
I'm getting along ok but don't really feel there is anyone I can really confide in. My GP has been great though, which has been helpful.

Can I ask what EMDR is?

Thank you for finding this thread madwomanintheattic and lovelychops!

madwoman, wow, don't know how you've copped for 7 years! I know time helps, everyone keeps telling me that, but i don't want to live with that burried and ready to errupt anytime. Sorry things grinded to a halt with you, but has counselling been helpful? what kind did you have?

lovelychops emdr is some kind of therapy with eye movement desinsevitazion (google it), it works incredibly fast and well for some kind of things, amongs them ptsd. My father in law had some for something else and worked wonders.
Feel free to share as much as you'd like here, i didn't mean to make it seem as if details or whatever anyone wants to write is not allowed!

I don't know what to do, there is a cbt session on the 21rst of Dec, but my parents will be here by then, and they know nothing about it, I can't tell them, my relationship with my mum is very superfitial, should I lie and say I'm doing somethign else? or cancel it?

lovelychops I'm having it at the moment for a heady mix of birth and other trauma. My therapist sits near me, asks me to think of a particular painful memory then asks me to follow her hand with my eyes as she moves it from side to side in front of my face, then she stops and asks me what comes up, I talk a bit, or feel something, she moves her hand again and so forth. Really strong emotions and images have come up while doing this and afterwards memories that were painfully vivid have suddenly faded. After the first session I could not believe it and I kept trying to dig hte memory back up but it was permanent. We're on our 3rd session and have covered a lot of ground, including very painful child abuse stuff and it's not been easy to get through the sessions, but it puts things to bed so it's worth it for me. I see her privately and pay £60 per hour, but I won't need to see her for years to come.

Iamjust don't tell them and don't cancel the appointment. Just tell them you need to pop out for a bit and go to your appointment.

i actually just had eight sessions where i could go and talk. it sounds very undramatic, but essentially i hadn't really discussed it properly at all, so to just spill it all out all over the floor was like being hit by a train, emotionally. and just gave me permission to acknowledge that what happened had affected me, rather than being all stiff upper lip and copey about it. and that that was actually ok. (we were moving abroad - it would have been more sessions but we fit in as many as we could in the time left)

and the therapist knew that what i really needed was just permission to be upset, i think. and i think because i wasn't suppressing it any more, it wasn't popping up in flashbacks and stuff, and my head wasn't so tied up with suppressing everything that i was able to get a bit more grip on reality.

the timing was triggered by the death of a fellow student - in itself upsetting, but not really triggering. but at his memorial service his mum described the birth and his early life in very emotional detail and it was like looking into a mirror. and that was pretty much game over. and of course i felt horribly guilty about allowing my own personal stuff to get mixed up with her grief etc.

it wasn't perfect - but there's still ongoing stuff that's tied up and knocks me for six occasionally (dd2 has cerebral palsy), so it was more about being able to get on, rather than a cure-all, but i know not to internalise it when it does now. we have ongoing legal stuff, so it's having to read the reports and legal stuff that affects me now.

dh still has no idea that i had counselling. he knows i'm less flaky, but no idea what he thinks the difference is! so, it depends. but i knew that after each session i'd have a good hour before i had to face anyone. (tbh i needed it, as i left each session looking like a tear stained wreck. in fact sometimes sobbed all the way to the car). if you can work in a buffer so that you can get yourself together if you need to before you have to face questions from your mum, then i would keep the appointment. but do give yourself a bit of a buffer. i had no idea it would be quite so messy. i'm definitely not the crying/ dramatic type, which was half of the problem i suppose.

interestingly, it did make all sorts of links with my past that i hadn't spotted before, (not so much the actual birth, more how i'd coped with it) so in hindsight it taught me a lot about how i have always dealt with difficulties, and how i can better cope for the future.

I was referred for a post birth counselling session, but was referred on (without my or my gp's knowledge) to a birth debrief with the consultant I had seen in pregnancy, and the surgeon who performed my c-section. I was so mortified when I walked in the room, that I clammed up and couldn't say a word. My gp thought it seemed like a massive arse covering session. At the moment I can't face the idea of pursuing any further counselling, as I am concentrating on ds who has global developmental delay and various other issues, which means that he has had to have lots of appointments and tests. I am on anti depressants, which helps with the panic and anxiety.

oh, i had an arse covering session with the consultant at 3mos post-birth. he told me i should be glad they hadn't severed her spinal cord with forceps like they did with the other baby. some things are better left unsaid, really. he did apologise though. presumably to deflect legal action.

and still it goes on.

madwoman, can I just say how eloquent your posts always are. We have been on a few of the same threads over the past year when I have been full of questions about ds, and you always articulate things so well. I am sorry to hear that all of this is still ongoing for you. The strange thing with my 'bogus' counselling session,is that it hadn't even occurred to me that the birth could have had anything to do with ds's problems, I still don't think it has tbh. But the fact that they pretended to not know anything about ds's issues (despite it being in the referral letter),and then spending the next 45 minutes banging on about how traumatic births are rarely related to future problems like cerebral palsy, and how mine was a textbook csection anyway (despite my having lost tons of blood, my bp crashing and ds being born with breathing difficulties and spending a week in scbu on cpap unable to feed - textbook!)

I think I have done that stupid thing of squishing it all into the corner of my brain,marked - to be dealt with at a later date. I think part of the reason for this is the thing that you say about it bringing up feelings from the past. I have a long history of 'getting on with things' despite quite a lot of crap and baggage from my past. After having ds I felt as though all the layers of shell-like protection that I had built up around myself was shattered and I felt completely vulnerable.

The thing that scares me is that if I let it all splurge out then I worry about how I would get on with all the day to day stuff that has to go on.

Oh dear, sorry I seem to have ranted a bit!

Hazyjane your term 'arse covering session' struck a chord with me... I've been for a debrief with my MW and had a meeting with the head of Midwifery at the hospital where DD was born. And now you mention it, looking back there was some serious arse covering.
It's so confusing in that situation, when face to face with medical staff. On one hand you're angry and want answers and explanations but it's so emotional that it's hard to express yourself sometimes. Plus how do you 'compete' with the medical jargon? I had my DP there with me which really helped, but it's almost worth having someone there a bit more independent isn't it?
To be fair they (the hospital) came across as quite caring but, I suppose they would wouldn't they? They're also very careful I think, not to say sorry explicitly - because then they're admitting blame aren't they.

I hate that I still feel so bitter over this 10 months on. I hate that when I think back to when my daughter was born I just have unpleasant memories, and for weeks after was pretty shell shocked. That then makes me feel guilty. I feel like something was almost taken from me.

I've considered putting in a complaint to the hospital, but I'm not too convinced what it would achieve ?

By the way Iamjustthemilkmachine I really think you should try to make your CBT session. You don't have to tell your parents where you're going. Or just make up an excuse. I'd also factor in enough time so that you don't rush home straight after. You could feel drained, or upset. I think doing whatever it takes to make you feel better is the priority.

Thanks also to madmouse for the info on EMDR. It sounds really interesting, I'd not heard of it. So glad you found it helpful.

aw. thanks hazey. i think mn is a bit like counselling sometimes! you can say things on here that you have to pick your audience for in rl.

make sure you periodically allocate a bit of time to dig around a little in how you feel about the birth though. when they are little it is hard, and you feel that they have to be the priority, but you count too x

i wasn't expecting it to hit me when it did, so i didn't really get to choose when i dealt with it - that said, i don't know if i would ever have chosen to deal with it, iyswim...

Hi to the other ptsd sufferers.

I ended up with ptsd following the birth of my son. It took my 2.5 years of nightmares/flashbacks/panic attacks/agorophobia before I finally got help.
I had a treatment called 'brainspotting' which is similar to emdr and have been able to eliminate all of those symptoms. I still feel very sad about what happened but I think that's quite normal. I'm now a year past treatment and my life is soooo much better than it was when I was in the grip of the ptsd.

I still haven't been to the doctor though. I just can't face it. And that's something that I need to deal with.

Welcome timetomoveon. I had never heard of 'brainspotting', glad it worked. Do you avoid doctors in general, as in gps, or for things like smear tests? what do you plan to do about it? my smear test is overdue, but there is no f**ing way I'm having it now!

madwoman, I agree about the counselling, I also was relieved at the beginning to be able to tell someone horrible things that i would not admit to others, and after each session cried the half hour of cycling that it took to come back home. (not great for road safety...) Does your dh know about the emdr? it sounds as it is really working, if i could afford to have it I would, really hope it works for you. Can i ask why did you not tell dh about the counselling? I feel awful about not being able to share this with my family (except dh, he knows or would've left by now), feel really alone and hate lying! my mother is a compulsive liar and i don't want to be her!!
I agree also about mn being like counselling, it certainly has been for me these months. And gosh, doctors really know how to talk to people don't they?

"I hate that I still feel so bitter over this 10 months on. I hate that when I think back to when my daughter was born I just have unpleasant memories, and for weeks after was pretty shell shocked. That then makes me feel guilty. I feel like something was almost taken from me." lovelychops I could have written the exact same words, and actually it is a trigger for me when i read or hear people saying how they loved their baby at first sight, how that day was the most amazing day of their lives, etc etc... I could'nt even say the words 'been born', had to write 'arrived' although in reality I wanted to say 'was taken from me, removed, forced, ripped from my insides', but of course you can't.

hazeyjane when you say "After having ds I felt as though all the layers of shell-like protection that I had built up around myself was shattered and I felt completely vulnerable. " It is also exactly the same for me, and like all the work of beign an adult was suddenly upon me from scratch, when in reality i have no emotional maturity at all. It amazes me when people have to deal with this and look after a child with special needs, you are doing great.

dh is great, but it felt like something i had to do personally iyswim. and my coping reflex (ha) is a bit messily tied up with him as well - he got blown up when i was pg with ds1 and only given 20% chance of survival (ended up with brain surgery etc), and as we were o'seas at the time, it was pretty much me going it alone out of necessity, pg and with a toddler. so there are all sorts of complicated reasons why i've got into the habit of not asking for help when i need it (my mum also had a series of strokes when i was a kid, so i was raised with 'don't upset your mother' ringing in my ears - so it became a bit of an ingrained habit to just assume i could cope with anything. ) dd2's birth seemed to be just something else i could get over and get on, but it turned out i couldn't.

so it probably means my choice not to tell him initially was just symptomatic of that. but at least i can acknowledge that now!

dh is fine now btw.

i've just spent all morning having to go over this all again for college as part of an application to return. (i took a temporary withdrawal at the time as there was no way i could get my head together during the counselling). so now i'm in equal parts churned up because i had to spill my guts all over the table so that a committee can pick through them and see if it's an adequate reason for them to allow me back, and angry because i've had to do it.

so i'm not having a great day really. i thought i was waiting for a decision as to whether i can submit my stuff and complete, (and i wa supposed to ge the decision last week) but today they came back wanting full details. again. i don't think they really grasp what it means to have to go through it bit by bit every time, in glorious technicolour, for them to judge if they think it's reasonable or not. feck reasonable, i'm not feeling very reasonable myself right now. and every time it's a different person.

it has to all be on my file, i used the uni counselling service and the board approved my temp withdrawal. oh, and they want documentary evidence. ffs.

and then i had to go to dd2's christmas concert at the school (which i always cry at anyway) and was on the verge of tears of when i got there. fortunately there were no thronging angels or nervous mary's, just a riot of primary kids singing songs and rocking out (dd2's class did 'jingle bell rock' and they had very sensibly put her in the back line so that she didn't fall off the stage ) so i held it together and didn't have to speak to anyone, and could get away with smiling vaguely and clapping.

grr. tomorrow is another day. i can't imagine what the poor woman at Uni is going to think when she opens her e-mails in the morning.

Hi all.
I'd just like to say I'm really glad we've all found one another on this thread. Yet so sad that we've all had to experience something terrible to get here.

Iamjustthemilkmachine can totally relate to what you say about putting off things like smears etc. Smears are an example I used to my GP when I was trying to tell her how I had been feeling.
I also get where you're coming from about your "triggers" and people gushing about their children being born. Looking back now I was totally shell shocked. People saying things about loving their babies at first sight made me feel like a fraud for quite a while.

hazeyjane "After having ds I felt as though all the layers of shell-like protection that I had built up around myself was shattered and I felt completely vulnerable"
Bloody hell yeah. I feel like I've regressed some days. I'm a nervous wreak and have no confidence in myself.

madwomanintheattic Hope you're feeling better? How insensitive of your college. I really hope this is the end of it for you now and you can get back to your studies soon. Sorry to hear about your DH. I hope you enjoyed the Christmas concert somewhat.

I've got to go for physio next week for my 'injury' (ugh hate that term). I'm dreading it. It's like the humiliation never ends. It's also at the same hospital. I'm worrying about it lots and having trouble sleeping. Been feeling really anxious, angry and sad all rolled into one. Urgh.

Iamjustthemilkmachine yep, I avoid the gp. I have managed to take my son for his paediatrician appts but I used to have severe flashbacks even though his doctor was nothing to do with me, in fact we were in a different country from where I gave birth. At some point, I need to get a check up but just can't face it. I honestly don't know how I'm going to get past this.

Good luck for next week with the appt lovelychops. And Iamjustthemilkmachine, you should def go for the CBT - tell your parents that you have a dentist appt or something.

madwoman, wow, gosh, sorry it took so long to reply, read your post two days ago but couln't reply any sooner. It all sounds absolutely awful. How are you now? you sound like an amazing person to have survived all that!

lovelychops good luck for that app. So sorry you have to go through it.

Can I overshare? The thing that I am finding very difficult at the moment is DH, he's understanding, he puts not pressure on me whatsoever, but I still have no patience and become really angry with him really easily. I am terrified I don't love him anymore, but really have no reason not to, so hope this is just another 'side-effect', does anyone have any experience of this?

Another birth truma here.

I'm in physiotherapy and see a physcatrist. Doc seems loathe to say PTSD and keeps telling me I have PND but my therapist says its both.

I just started anti-d's on Saturday hoping it will help relieve some of the symptoms. I'm just so angry still. Anything to do with small baby's/pregnancy or birth brings my world crashing down. I'm trying hard with therapy but the therapist keeps saying things like, " well- don't think of it like that. Think of it like this." Well if it was that flipping easy I wouldnt be in therapy would I?

I also understand the gp fear. happy to talk but don't you dare touch me. Last session the therapist said to me,

"so what you'd rather keel over dead then go to the doctor? "

"Yes. Exactly. And I'll tell you another thing- if I get pregnant again accidentally I will be refusing all care and doing an unassisted home birth. I would rather die by my own hands then be forced to trust them again. "

"Oh chickenchops of course you wouldn't do that. It would be bad for both you and the baby. "

It was then that I wanted to scream.

Glad I've found you guys even if it is for a very sad reason.

All the best

X

Iamjustthemilkmachine I totally get your feelings about DH. On a bad day I veer between being utterly terrified of something happening to DP whilst he's out, then the second he gets home feeling totally annoyed by every little thing he does. It's such a horrible way to feel. And yes, like your husband my partner is kind and understanding - so I have no idea why I'm feeling and acting in such a way. I've considered the possibility that we're not meant to be together any more.
BUT, when I'm having an OK day I don't think the problem is with us at all. I think unfortunately it's yet another crappy side effect we're having to deal with.
I'm no expert, but I think chances are if we're both feeling this way and both suffering from the same thing then hopefully our relationships are safe.
Hope this makes some sense?

Hello chickenchops sorry you're having a bad time too.