Anyone else feel like this?

[leolion]

Hi there, first time poster in mental health but long overdue! Warning-this might be a bit of a ramble-sorry!

I am struggling at the moment and hoped that some of you could give me some words of advice/support. I have really been struggling since the birth of my youngest dd 3 years ago. have another dd who is nearly 5. I started on citalopram 20mg nearly 2 years ago and had a pretty good run of 18 months or so, but never felt mentally quite right. Since November I have been ill on and off, like many of us! I had a horrid stomach bug, which then turned into gastritis which was awful and have also had sciatica for the last 3 months which has worsened over the last month or so, and for which I'm having physio, so am on lots of codeine but really watching my dosage (last thing I want is an addiction!)

The problem I have is that, I know getting ill is part of life, but relatively'minor' illnesses trigger some appalling emotional reaction in me since I've had children. I have dealt OK with the sciatica (yes, I'm fed up, but I can manage that!) but I woke up this morning feeling my symptoms of gastritis again, albeit mild, and immediately felt anxious, which led me to feel extremely low. I then start the cycle of self hatred! I feel pathetic and guilt ridden when I think about what other people have to deal with, and that starts the spiral of me feeling like a scared worthless person who can't even deal with something minor. I fear that the way I feel both mentally and physically is going to go on for ever and that I deserve it. In january when I had horrid gastritis I was actually getting very dark thoughts about topping myself (I would never have done it!) which I know is pathetic.I then get scared that my husband is going to leave me as I'm such a nightmare and my dd's are going to be forever scarred by having such a terrible mother. I then fear I'm going to be diagnosed with something really bad physically in the future and 'then, I'll be sorry to have been so silly about a minor illness'. The funny thing is, that with some issues, I'm extremely strong and deal with stuff quite well! I used to be a professional woman who made difficult decisions everyday!

I feel so ashamed writing this down as people very close to me have had far worse things to cope with. When I feel physically well, I am not this person. I can see that I have a good marriage and that I do a fairly good job with my dd's, and how lucky I am. I generally can seem like a positive, strong, cheerful kind of person to the outside world when I'm well and I have a good circle of nice friends. I have thought about returning to work to give me a focus on something else, but I fear that I'm going to be off sick such alot and not be able to hold down a job. I live in fear of illness.I had generic counselling last year through the GP practice. It was OK but never really resolved these issues as I think I was quite well at the time so played these issues down.

Sorry for the long rambling message but just wondered whether anyone else has felt this way or could offer some words of advice. I feel that my life is passing me by and I want to enjoy it.

[cjel]

I think counselling should have gone on for longer. I can empathise with your managing ok unless you are'ill' perhaps a trip to the gp to reconsider your medication? If things didn't work out with cousellor try a different one and go now while you feel low enough to explain you at your worst.x

[NanaNina]

Can you recall the attitude of your parents when you were ill as a child, as I think this (like so many of our childhood experiences) has a bearing on how we tolerate (or not) illness as adults. My sisters and me were extremely cosseted when we were children, and 2 of us have grown up to be very anxious when ill and the middle one is quite the opposite. I have friends whose parents made no fuss at all about illness andthey just had to "get on with it" and they do not have health anxieties.

I have reason to be anxious at present as I am trying to recover from a severe episode of depression last year for which I was hospitalised for 3 months. I am very up and down and it is very frustrating and exhausting.

You say you have had mentalhealth problems in the past and as you know depression and anxiety are very closely linked and I wonder if this worrying about your health is anxiety rearing its head again, which is often followed by depression. I would see your GP again and maybe you need to go back on meds, or getmore counselling, or both.

Like you I was a competent senior manager in a busy social services dept for 30 years and now am a mental wreck. Can't believe I was once that person. I am much older than you - 67 anda grandmother, so don't have young children to care for.

Sending warm wishes and hoping you will get some help from the GP.

[leolion]

Thanks so much both of your for your wise and kind words. I did indeed follow your advice and went to the GP yesterday. I do actually think this is depression and anxiety rearing its very ugly head again. I don't want to increase my anti-deps-I'm on loads of meds anyway for my back and iron tablets for anaemia (and obviously then meds to prevent constipation!)but I have asked for some CBT specific to health anxiety and the GP was great-the only down side is the waiting list. NanaNina,its funny you should ask about my childhood experiences of illness-I too was cossetted when ill, and infact my mother was always at her best and lovliest when I was ill, which is quite a marked contrast sometimes to when I wasn't!My father also died suddenly when I was 11-he was only 45 and this of course has affected the way I view my own health.

I'm sorry about your struggles with depression-you certainly have had it rough. I think you should be so proud of yourself though for the progress you have made so far. I know it is still very up and down for you, but to get to a point where you are giving supportive, really useful coherent advice to others like me after having been hospitalised for 3 months is some progress. I know it may all feel like a very slow recovery for you but you will get there, and try not to worry about the time it takes. Have you read 'Depressive Illness-The Curse of the Strong' by Dr Tim Cantopher? I have just bought it as I have only heard good things about this man and the book, both on a persoanl and professional level (I used to work in healthcare-oh!the irony of me now suffering with health anxiety!!!)
Best wishes to you both.