Stuggling today

[sjm123]

I feel so horrible. I have literally nobody in my life that gives a shit, my kids are with my ex at the moment and I've spent the whole time trying to come up with a reason not to kill myself tonight and so far I'm failing.

I just can't cope with it all any more.

[madmouse]

So what is the reason why you do want to kill yourself?

[sjm123]

I just feel like I'm ruining my kids lives by being here. I keep messing everything up. I clearly deserve it all anyway, it's all my fault and I know that.

I have literally nobody in my life that I can talk to or ask for help, I've pushed everyone away by being so mental recently. We're about to lose our home and be moved into a hostel, we have no money coming in at all - I'm having to apply for a crisis loan every week for money for food - I can't even afford a cake or present for my son's birthday tomorrow.

Sorry, just ignore me.

[madmouse]

I don't want to ignore you! For different reasons I used to believe that my ds would be better off without me. If I disappeared my dh could marry a better woman and ds would have a proper mummy.

You know, hard as it is to accept right now, your kids need you, you are their only mummy and you are what they want.

Are you sure you have pushed everyone away or are there one or two people waiting to be let in? Support can make so much difference, but you have to accept it.

If you are eligible for crisis loans how come you are not receiving benefits? Have you applied for everything you are entitled to?

Don't give up - keep talking on here and in rl - does your GP know how you are feeling?

[sjm123]

I've recently split with someone that I loved very much, our relationship wasn't very good though and we made each other's lives very difficult. I moved here with him a few years ago and only really know his friends.

I really don't have anyone at all. I have no family, the few friends I did have haven't been in touch in ages.

I get esa but they have said they've not had my certificate and I just haven't been able to get it together enough to go to the doctor and get another one to get sent to them so no money at all and the tax credits went from joint to single claim 4 weeks ago and still isn't sorted so nothing from them either.

i feel like such a failure at everything. I'm stuck here in this flat all day every day with nobody. I honestly don't think anyone but my kids would care at all if I weren't here and I think they'd be better off with my ex (not their dad, but the closest to one they've ever had and a better parent than me by far).

My GP knows, and I've been referred to the CMHT, had an initial assessment and will be seeing someone for a proper diagnosis and outpatient stuff but it's all been closed for Christmas and New year.

I can't see things ever being any better for me, I really can't. I have tried, I made plans to do things that would in theory help me and have tried really hard to make myself feel more positive but in the end I can't manage to do any of it and it just makes me feel even worse because it's yet another failure.

I just feel so alone and so worthless.

[madmouse]

You are having a really rough time and it is no wondering that you are so down. But don't lie to yourself, don't tell yourself that the kids will be better off with your ex. That will mean them not having any parents of their own you can't do that to them. Someone who cares for them no matter how much is second best. They need you.

Unless you live in Scotland this whole holiday period is now over. Try to get some sleep tonight then get to the GP and then the benefits agency tomorrow and contact that crisis team. If you can't do it for yourself do it for the children.

I'm off to bed now - not totally ok myself - but will check back in the morning.

And remember if you need to unload to someone call the samaritans - 08457 90 90 90

They listen and don't judge

[sjm123]

I have sorted some things out a bit today. I asked ex if he's have the kids tonight so that at least my son could have something of a birthday and he refused because he's going out. Have been getting nasty texts from him all day since. He knows how low I am feeling, and it's like he's trying to push me into suicide. I told him if he wants me dead he'll have to come round and do it himself, said I'd make sure the big kitchen knife is nice and sharp for him :(

Tax Credits still won't tell me anything other than I will have to wait until it's sorted. ESA say they've still not received my certificate, but they will pay if the doctor faxes a duplicate over to them. The doctor's receptionist has said she'll see if the doctor will agree to that, and have got myself in for an appointment tomorrow. I'm just about to ring and see if they have done it. ESA said they'll make a payment straight away once it's faxed over so I really hope that they do.

I can't have another crisis loan apparently as I have been living on them for over a month now and that no longer counts as a short-term need, so still no money. Social services (CMHT) were going to give me some food vouchers but didn't have any left but said they may have tomorrow, to come back. They sent me on the citizens' advice to get things sorted out, and the lady there got in touch with the local Salvation Army. A lovely man from the SA took me shopping and paid for £50 worth of shopping, which included a card, book and cake mix so little one and I can make a cake for my son today and he'll have a present.

I feel so fucking pathetic relying on charity and handouts. I used to have a good life, a good job and not hate myself.

[kayah]

how old are your kids?

[sjm123]

My youngest is 10, she's not back at school until Thursday so I have had to drag her to Social Services and CAB with me, and she was there when the SA paid for the shopping too.

My son is 12 today. He went back to school this morning. At least now he has a card, and as I got some eggs and icing I can make him a quick cake with my youngest.

He cried before he went to school this morning and said it was his worst birthday ever.

[madmouse]

You've done a lot today - especially a lot of things for which you don't really have the energy when you are this low - you deserve a huge pat on the back for tackling all that.

Keep the moral high ground over your ex - separation is a very difficult time. Don't rise to the bait

[sjm123]

The doctor that's in today said no to doing a duplicate too. I have to wait until I go in tomorrow, but at least we have some food in now.

[kayah]

Wherabouts are you?
Matybe someone from here could help?

What is your son into?
What would have been his dream b'day gift?

[sjm123]

I'm in Bishop's Stortford, Herts and Essex border. He'll be ok now, he'll have the QI book to open and a card and cake :)

I'll give him some money to spend in the sales once the tax credits come through, and I think it was more the lack of card, cake and general birthday fuss than the present that was bothering him anyway. He's a good kid and he does get that things are a bit difficult financially at the moment. Will make a curry for dinner too, it's his favourite.

Have told the ex to just leave me alone completely now. He can stick to the times we've set out if he wants to see my kids, and if there's an issue my son can pass it on but I just can't handle any further communication with him. I can't, he just seems so set on pushing me over the edge and is being so nasty that you'd think he was the one that got strangled and threatened with killing on the night we split. I'd be tempted to cut him off completely but even though he's only been in the kids lives for just under 4 years they do love him and want to continue a relationship.

[madmouse]

You sound a bit more together today that's great.

Keep venting on here if it helps

[kayah]

Now Iremember you from the Lone parents :)

Were you able to go to try your yoga class?

you know - they like being fussed over :)
I have 11 yo son - he still needs lots of cuddles and kisses and also his b'days presents weren't expensive
his best Christmas present was torch -i got it for £5 from Millets, one of those you can wind up

[sjm123]

I do feel a little better today, thank you.

I haven't got to the yoga class yet. I keep trying to talk myself into it but I'm such a wreck at the moment that I haven't been able to manage it. I'm working up to it though.

God, now I really do sound pathetic, working up the courage to go to a nice quiet yoga class just round the corner! I used to have a proper life, honest :(

[kayah]

you don't sound pathetic
I know the feeling of not being able to get out of bed and feeling useless

I am separated too, kids are 11 and 13, looking for a job

di you go out today with your daughter?

[sjm123]

Yeah, to social services, citizen's advice and then the housing office via the park. Have promised her longer at the park tomorrow after doctor's. We're just sorting out my son's cake now before he gets home from school.

[kayah]

well done :)
nothing better than smell of home made cake when you get home :)

[sjm123]

Just logged on to say thank you so much to you both for your posts in this thread over the last couple of days, they really have helped me when I really, really needed it :)

[kayah]

Hope you are feeling better today :)
At least sun come out in the morning here