No-one knows that I am just hanging on for dear life until my appointment comes through...

[NemoTheRedNosedFish]

I will be starting with counselling and the psychologist just after mid january.

I had a breakdown at the end of October. I wanted to kill myself so badly but knew it wasn't 'right' (poor dd and dh) and so sought help from my Gp, who was brilliant and passed me on to the mental health crisis team and so on.

I had a breakdown because my mother is a nut narcissist (trust me, I'm not just being all american about this!) and I have an unpleasant history of being abused, being date raped, being bullied, I have no clue who my dad is, my step dad was an alcoholic creep when I was growing up, nick named me 'the little bitch' and made my life hell. Funny really as I adored him at first

I know I seem articulate and even bouncy and happy on the boards here but I am dying inside and I can't keep piling this on to my husband. Somehow I have to make it to the 18th of January in one piece.

I have been trained to think that I am utterly worthless, an annoyance, mad / crazy, 'mentally abnormal' and the rest and that training has stuck. I know that I can heal myself with counselling and doing 'work' on myself but what is holding me back is that deep down I don't believe that I am worth it / deserve it.

I have a huge amount of rage and sadness in me, I want my dd and dsd to have a good Christmas without me going fucking nuts over something / collapsing in floods of tears. I am on propanolol for anxiety and I don't think I can take any valium other medication with that.

Sorry this is so long. Can anyone hold my hand for a bit? (not right until 18 jan obviously!)

[WilfShelf]

It is brilliant you sought help. I can hold your hand a little.

I am working right now so can't post a lot, but will be back. Just wanted to not let your post go unanswered though and I think:

1. you have every right to crack up given your background
   

1. your rage/sadness CAN be helped to dissipate or at least be managed but you will need to give it time. Try and just help yourself 'hold' it until January. You don't need to fix it right now.
   

1. You don't need to put too much pressure on yourself about Christmas. It's just another day. Your kids want a well mother and that will be their best present, even if it is later than this Christmas.
   

One day at a time, mate.

[serajen]

Hey Nemo, another one with a narc mum here and am too just hanging on by a very thin thread, this time of year does me no good, narc mum has recently done something that has cut me to the core and i don't know how to handle the Christmas gatherings + 7 family birthdays over next 2 months, want to crawl into a hole until spring. thinking of you, we'll try and tread water together

[NemoTheRedNosedFish]

Thanks guys

I just wish there was a drug I could take that would make me feel 'normal' like what normal(ish) people do! But I know that isn't the way. I was on heroin for 5 years and that didn't 'cure' me!

I am either totally detached from my emotions and then I can function, but I don't feel joy / happiness like a real person

Or I do feel emotions and then I am cracking up and tearful, angry, suicidal etc. And I swing between the two

Christmas was always worse for me when I had to visit my parents and take them gifts though. Can't you not 'opt out' / fake illness serajen?

One day at a time is my mantra, I may have it tattooed on!

[madmouse]

Nemo I will hold your hand until 18 January and beyond- you know that.

And I can give you hope too. I lived my life 'knowing' that I was a bad and evil little girl and if people (including my parents) found out they wouldn't want me anymore. I've had counselling and slowly now these feelings are changing. I'm starting to feel that I'm not all bad and that I'm worth something. That it is not dangerous to be p*ssed off with DH and that he isn't always right (poor DH is a real softy - this was all in my head).

You've got the right motivation to hang in there - your family needs you. Just take it day by day - find something that reminds you.

For me it was a song by Martyn Joseph (I'm a big fan) called Change Your World. The song starts with 'Are you down to your last drop of hope, well you know that's the moment things turn around, don't you give up the fight you can cope, you can be so amazingly strong. ' It reminded me of what my friends were saying to me and it was quite often on repeat in the car.

Don't suffer in silence, keep writing on here even if you have to keep it in in RL

[serajen]

Have done all the self-medication with drugs (and alcohol) too Nemo and am exactly the same as you, I either feel nothing, just completely numb, or the opposite, if I allow the feelings in I can't cope with the extreme emotion. Wish I could do the sickness thing but it's all too obvious when there is one family event after another. I always find this an especially demanding time of year, I look at all the 'normal' folk doing Christmas and wonder how they rise to the occasion

[NemoTheRedNosedFish]

Hence the tradition over boozing and over eating at Christmas perhaps?

I think a lot of people keep a very tight lid on things - me included, up to now, I can fool everyone, dh, my counsellor, even myself!

[NanaNina]

Ah but those people who look normal are probably not at all - and how do you define normality anyway. I am recovering from a severe episode of depression which I was hospitalised for earlier this year. I have been shopping today and probably looked "normal" but was feeling flat and anxious and was just having to push myself through until anxiety finally took over and I had to head for home quickly.

Christmas isn't like it is on the adverts - of that I am sure - I think it causes an incredible amount of family friction, people going into debt and loads of stress, especially for parents. The lawyers do well out of it though as they gear themselves up for the busiest month of the year - January. Says it all really doesn't it.

[neverenoughMEtime]

I'll hold your hand to nemo, sorry to hear you are feeling so awful.

Ive had a rough time too, this year has been the hardest of my life so far. I agree those who look normal probably have some issue or other. I know that i look "normal" when im out but am weighed down with anxiety/depression/grief/that horrid "desperate" feeling.

Keep going, you'll get there. Things will start getting better with help from the psychologist im sure. Mine has really helped me so far. Im starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel-i never thought i would. You will too.

Keep posting here if it helps. Don't be too hard on yourself, you have had a really shit time by the sounds of it.

[neverenoughMEtime]

too

[serajen]

I know that old saying about not comparing your insides with the outside of others and alot of people are probably going through stuff, it's just when you have that acute desperation it's very isolating and you feel alone, want to reach out to someone but unable to. Hugs to you all xxx

[NemoTheRedNosedFish]

Thanks all

Yes very isolating - I do need to get out more and see people, but atm that would be impossible. I can cope fine with 1-1 or even 1-2 but anymore people than that and I freak out. Crowded pub or club? Forget it!

I know i'll have to crack it eventually.

[NemoTheRedNosedFish]

Me again.

Had a very low two days but not unbearable. Finally feels like doing the right things when I feel bad is helping. So if I can't sleep I go and write in my journal and then go back to bed with my iPod and do Reiki / meditations (Disclaimer: I realise that this isn't everyones' bag, but I am strange a bit of a hippy and find it best not to fight it!)

Have talked to dh about how I feel. I was panicing that he would want to leave / be fed up of me, want to divorce but happily that is not the case. I did have the love of my life, before I met dh, leave me partly because of I was so messed up. So there is a precedent for the fear of it happening again I guess.

I am finding that I am getting more on edge and panic-y (is that a word? fucked if I know) as Christmas gets closer. I would like to up my anti-anxiety medication by 20 mg a day (am currently on 40mg) but I worry that it's the drug addict in me talking. But if it would help, it would be a good idea surely? may ask GP

[madmouse]

Nemo talk to your doc about upping the propanolol but possibly best leave valium etc alone

You are doing well, you are getting through, keep taking it one day, one hour at a time.

Talk on here if it helps. Your appointment will come sooner than you think .

[NemoTheRedNosedFish]

Thanks madmouse... crossing off the days!

[NemoTheRedNosedFish]

Will see how I go over the weekend, then if needed (!) see my doctor asap. He is lovely thankfully

[NemoTheRedNosedFish]

Well didn't go too well over the weekend. Couldn't sleep, had 4 hours of sleep per night - and I am a nightmare if I'm tired!

Saw Dr this morning and he has doubled my beta blocker dose. He 'offered' diazepam but thought upping the beta blockers was a better choice. At least I know I can have diazepam if I go on holiday (which I find even more nightmarish than Christmas!)

Still have that knot of tension in my stomach - wonder how long it'll take for them to take effect?