Anxiety (but not depression) - feeling a bit confused

[cathbath]

Hi, it's my first time posting on here. I am a SAHM to two young DCs (including a challenging 4yo DS), and have been coping but getting increasingly stressed over the past few months. My mum has just been to stay for a week and instead of having a break, my mum's presence just really stressed me out and I've just had a kind of mini-meltdown. I couldn't even talk to DH for two days. My mum's presence has thrown up lots of issues from my past (difficult childhood, unstable/suicidal father).

Anyway I came across a link online and did the hospital anxiety and depression test for the first time. I scored low for depression (within the 'normal' range), but significantly high for anxiety.

This surprised me because I have a family history of depression and I have been on anti-depressants in the past. It sounds strange but I had never realised anxiety was a thing in itself. It was a bit of a lightbulb moment, thinking that perhaps it is anxiety, not depression, that has plagued me for all these years, and this is something I can seek help for in itself. It's only taken me till my mid-thirties to find that out!

My DH has encouraged me to see the doctor, which I did today. I am going back next week for a long appointment to talk things through properly.

I'm a bit confused about what to say to the doctor. I'm having trouble untangling the anxiety from the stressful things around me and the things from the past, and how much of it is 'me'. I feel like anxiety is kind of hard-wired into my brain or personality, as I so frequently feel like I'm in 'survival mode'. But I am also hopeful that I can learn some coping mechanisms...

I'm also still confused as to how anxiety and depression are different, and how they might be treated... Sorry this is a bit rambling, but any advice on getting the right kind of help would be so much appreciated.

[cathbath]

Thanks StrawberrySam, that was helpful. I have experienced depression-type lows in the past and this does feel different.

I'm starting to recognise times/situations in the past when I've been extremely stressed and how it has built up to almost debilitating levels. I thought that was just me... but actually maybe it's something I can do something about.

It was actually starting this online CBT course, here that alerted me to my high levels of anxiety (rather than depression). I have barely started it yet but it has helped me already :)

[cathbath]

I'm feeling slightly better, thanks; just in a bit of a daze at the moment and finding it hard to concentrate.

I've started making a list of stuff to tell the doctor, so that will help me to focus - thanks for the suggestion.

[cathbath]

Thanks SkeletonFlowers, I find I can deal with the day-to-day stuff and mostly function normally, but if anything unusual happens I get disproportionately worried and stressed. I can't cope with too much activity during the day as it wears me out - I am hyper-sensitive at times.

I internalise other people's feelings a lot, and get very distressed by other people's suffering (on the news and even in films). I can't cope with any disharmony, and if DH snaps at me or we argue it can take me hours or even days to get over it.

I am nervous about driving (I only go to local places I know), or getting lost in strange places.

Most of all I find it hard to switch my mind off. I have to stay up late reading before I can drop off to sleep (but I don't actually have insomnia). I have obsessive and negative thoughts at times and worry about the future.

Most of all I wish I could enjoy things without the stress making me feel ill. For example the build up to our wedding left me so highly stressed (dealing with so many people, worrying about so many things), that on the day itself I felt like I was floating, not really there, and it took me about a week to feel normal afterwards. Even a small party (like my son's birthday party) leaves me mentally exhausted and I need to take time to recover afterwards.

We moved house 3 months ago, DS started a new nursery and his behaviour has been difficult, and we've been having work done on the house. Though I am dealing with all this, and being a loving and responsive mother, it's kind of taken its toll on me.

I'm having doubts about going to my doctor's appointment now, as I don't think I have an illness as such, and really don't want this on my medical records (I thought I had put the depression behind me). I don't really know what help I want from him...

[NoahAndTheWhale]

Am just posting quickly now but will post more later (if you'd like me to ) but I have suffered generally with depression for about 20 years and it was only when I had CBT a couple of years ago that I discovered that i actually have anxiety which when I don't manage it can lead to depression. The CBT helped enormously and I have been much "better" since having it.

[NoahAndTheWhale]

Just read your last post - I really would suggest going to your GP to get referred for CBT or consider getting it privately. I have tried to use online cbt programmes - there is one called moodgym and one called living life to the full and although I have tried I have never managed to stick with them properly

[cathbath]

Thanks Noah - it sounds like CBT would be of great benefit. I have started doing the online course but haven't managed to stick with it yet as I keep getting distracted!

I will ask the doctor for CBT referral.

[cathbath]

Just a quick update - my doctor has referred me for CBT. However he has warned me there is a long waiting list (not sure how long)...

I am now wondering if it's worth waiting for the referral, or seeking CBT privately. I have found a therapist nearby who offers the mindfulness based approach combined with CBT. I am interested in mindfulness meditation and wondered if anyone has any experience of this?

[Haggisfish]

Yes, i have done it and it is good for anxiety. there are online cbt courses for free - google living life to the full

[SecondhandRose]

I had CBT privately. It was 40 pounds per hour. Best money I have ever spent. I would say the best medicine is talking to a counsellor. She gave me some great coping strategies, told me why I felt the way I did. It was brilliant.

I have anxiety but I am slowly learning to put myself first and stop beating myself up over things and to not take on other peoples problems.

[lu9months]

hi, I had an episode of quite severe anxiety after the birth of my dd 6 months ago, with insomnia, loss of appetite, feeling very stressed all the time, flying off the handle at little things, but not low as such. my gp gave me escitalopram, which is related to anti-depressants but specifically for anxiety. I wasnt very keen, but within 48 hours felt like my 'normal' self, and started sleeping and eating. I came off it recently, but would encourage you not to rule out the idea of tablets, which can really help - have a chat to the gp.

[cathbath]

Thanks all, I have had my first private session of mindfulness-based CBT. It was only a consultation, but it made me realise how much things in the past are still affecting me and my thought-patterns. The therapist recommended I start to read 'Full Catastrophe Living' by Jon Kabat-Zinn. I am going again next week. It was £40 per session, but well worth it if it gives me the tools to cope with life!

lu9months - that's helpful, and I will consider escitalopram if my anxiety gets worse again (I hadn't heard of that before). I am feeling quite a lot better in general, at the moment, but have a few things I need to deal with from the past so hopefully will really benefit from the CBT.