Had a breakthrough at in counselling session - attachment issues - any experience?

[BellaPrice]

I am a regular who has name changed...

I feel like I had a major breakthrough at my counselling session today and am now looking for more information.

Quick story - major issues with my other throughout my life, realisation today that all of my adult relationships have been majorly affected by the fact that I don't think my mother bonded wth me as a baby and this carried on to the point that I am still regarded as the 'difficult' child who has anger/trust/behavioural issues.

As an adult I am needy and unsuccessful in relationships although am now married with 2 DCs and am desparate not to repeat the pattern.

I guess I'm hoping that others will come along with their own experiences. Have tried looking for info online but other that a couple of US sites offering therapy can't find much. Any recommendations in terms of reading or online information would be appreciated.

[BellaPrice]

Sorry - should say mother not other!

[tb]

There is a series of 3 books by John Bowlby and one of them deals with attachment, it's volume 1 of attachnent and loss.

[hobbgoblin]

I am about to embark upon counselling and am fairly certain my issues relate to atatchment.

I don't know what the original trigger was though.

What are you aware that you do in relationships? I am very nervous about any bad feeling and fear rejection hugely. If I am rejected I totally fall apart. Doesn't matter how crap the relationship has been I still get extremely anxious and upset. It's the abandonment I cannot bear, not really sadness about the person all that much even though it seems like it is that that I'm mourning.

Any use?

[willsurvivethis]

Yes I have a similar experience. My mum lost my sister at birth when I was two and doesn't seem to have coped very well.

I am having counselling to cope with memories of child abuse coming back (not my parents) and issues came up that according to my therapist were from too early a time in my life to be a consequence of the abuse. Basically it seems I never developed the trust and belief that if I'm left the person leaving me will come back...

The good news is that counselling has helped me to find a sense of self, a continuity in myself that means the fear of beling left is slowly disappearing. I'm taking risks like getting agry with dh without worrying he will leave me (that's after 13 years but hey ho )

Sorry not much help in terms of reading. It may help to figure out what 'type' of attachment problem you have and wikipedia has quite a decent article on this. There are differences between insecure attachment, ambivalent attachment and there is another type that my brain can not remember right now. At its worst there will be an attachment disorder where no meaningful bond is formed at all.

[willsurvivethis]

Bellaprice and Hobbgoblin - a sense that you will stop to exist if you are left is a strong indicator.

So if you are asked how will you feel if your significant other leaves you and your answer is kinda 'feel? there won't be any world left and I will disappear' then this points towards attachment.

[hobbgoblin]

willsurvive, thanks for your last post. I spent this evening Googling and reading and I absolutely fir with a lot of what I have read. I will mention this at my counselling as hopefully it will give me a head start. :)

[SisyphusDad]

Spent 25+ years with depression, anxiety, poor self esteem, difficulty forming relationships, etc., etc.

Identified attachment problems as the root several years ago - my mother had a nervous breakdown before I was a year old and left me with my father for some time, and the damage was never repaired.

The Bowlby books that tb mentioned above are the mainstay on the subject of attachment disorder, but they're written in dense psychological language.

My turning point came when I found a book called "Why Love Matters", by Sue Gerhardt. I felt as though I was reading my biography! Essentially it distils a lot of research on the subject into a much more easily understandable form. The downside is that it's long on the problem and short on the solution. That made me very depressed at the time.

What I've found works for me is something called Mindfulness Meditation (Google that, or the name John Kabat-Zinn). I've also just come across a book called "Buddha's Brain", which suggests ways of changing the way you think.

It takes time and effort to move forward from this kind of state, but for the first time in my life I have some hope that I can cure the problem rather than just manage the symptoms.

Hope this is of interest and use, and good luck!