OCD/hoarding - anyone with experience?

[ScarlettCrossbones]

I'm really not expecting anyone to be able to offer much help, but here goes, I can but try! Sorry it's long. My father has suffered from chronic depression on and off all my life, and before too. This has been coupled with things like OCD at times, and that has manifested itself most recently in the extreme hoarding he's been doing for the last 15-20 years. He lives alone in a council flat in City A and has no family or friends there. I live in City B (Dad's home city), with my husband and children. All of Dad's siblings, plus his elderly mother, also live here.

Dad was on the waiting list to get a council flat back here in City B for the best part of these 20 years (though I had no idea he'd even put a request in for this until about 5 years ago). He was waiting, and waiting, and putting his life entirely on hold until he got back "home" to City B. He finally had a bit of a breakdown early last year, which resulted in me and his siblings pulling out all the stops, writing letters, whatever we could do, to get my dad's case assessed as URGENT, and for him to be moved ASAP. He was finally awarded a flat here late last summer. Great, we all thought. FINALLY! He gave a month's notice to the council in City A, and started to clear out his flat in preparation for the move he so desperately wanted, to be close to his family.

Almost a year later, he still has not moved out of his flat in City A. He has the flat here in City B, and all of his furniture and possessions have been brought here ... (he's now sleeping on an airbed in the old flat, with a toaster and kettle and not much else) ... but he is still bogged down in the quagmire of getting rid of all the papers and magazines (mainly) that have been accumulating for the last 20 years. He is intent on looking at every single page of everything he has, in case, he says, he has accidentally left his bank details, birth certificate, or something similar, inside an old colour supplement from 1994 or whatever. It's quite possible that he might have done this, and at first we accepted that this searching through everything was something that he just had to do. However, that was 10 months ago and none of us had any IDEA that things would drag on this long. We have tried telling him that his bank account can be changed, if he's that worried, and he can order a new birth cert etc, but he is scared of identity theft and is carrying on. He has to go through EVERYTHING.

The problem is, he's not letting anyone help him. I have not been in his flat for close to 10 years, so I have no idea what things are actually like in there. Can't believe he even let removal men in, in fact! I don't think it's a "How Clean is your House" scenario ? don't think it's actually dirty, just very very crowded. But for months and months he would tell us it would be "just another 2 weeks or so" until he was ready to move once and for all. He's stopped saying that now. In fact, the whole subject of moving is pretty taboo now and he gets irritable if you even mention it.

I don't know what to do. I've got angry with him, tried to be understanding, talked to his doctor in City A ... he was seeing a psychologist there too, but that was stopped when he got notified of the new flat, and he's not yet on a waiting list here. I'm really worried that we will reach the first anniversary of him being given the new flat, he still won't have moved here to be with us all, and what a psychological blow that will be. Does anyone have any advice? I am almost thinking of going to the council in City A and asking them to give him a deadline to get out. He's currently got some kind of medical line which waives the standard notice period for him, but at the same time, I can't understand why 2 councils are currently housing him, and have been doing for so long (he's an OAP, but is paying nominal rent in both places. So much money wasted.)

As I said at the start, I just can't think what else to do, but would be hugely grateful if anyone has any bright ideas! Thx

[ScarlettCrossbones]

Oh ... ok ... I know I said I wasn't expecting much help, but was secretly hoping there might just be somebody ... anybody ...?

[GetDownYouWillFall]

Hi Scarlett

I did read your post on monday and was full of sympathy but just didn't know what advice to give. It's a very difficult one..

The thought that first crossed my mind was why doesn't council of city A kick him out, if he'd given notice months ago? Surely they are desperate for flats for their massive waiting lists? However, clearly they've not done so.

Writing to the council to ask them to evict him may be your only option, but it does seem a bit underhand, and your poor dad would be horrified if he found out what you did

Does he have a referral to the CMHT? They might know what to do.

Could you get a big group of friends / family together and have a day of blitzing the checking of books / magazines, just to speed things up a bit? He may not like it, but would be worth suggesting? You / friends and family could have a quick flick through but not check every single page IYSWIM?

Sorry for your situation. Hope you get some kind of resolution for all your sakes.

[ScarlettCrossbones]

Thanks so much for your reply, GetDown. I don't think he's on a waiting list for a mental health team here yet, no. Everything is put off till he gets here!

And your idea about the group of family etc helping out for the day would seem the obvious thing, and eminently reasonable to most people, yes, but unfortunately it's a no-go - he won't allow anyone in his flat, ever. And I doubt that he would even let us look through papers and magazines even if we somehow collected them at his door or something ... he's ridiculously private on that front.

I really do appreciate your input though. I think I will try the council, maybe "evict" is too strong a word - you're right, he'd be devastated to know I'd done something like that - but perhaps they'd give him a "gentle reminder" in writing that he really needs to be out. Thanks again.

[nickschick]

Would he go for this ......

Presuming he already has all his documents (passport,birth cert,bank details etc etc) you load up your car indeed even hire a van and bring all his paperwork to your house and have a bloody big bonfire.

[ninah]

would it help to get him a shredder? realise his fears are largely irrational but if you could allay them maybe it would speed things up

[ScarlettCrossbones]

Nickschick, if only. He's being controlled by all these pieces of paper and can't seem to let them go. Unfortunately, as I mentioned above, I can't get into his flat to get all the stuff for said bonfire ...!

Thanks, ninah, he does in fact have a shredder and is using it, I believe ...

[NanaNina]

I know someone like this too and was just like your dad, not exactly refusing anyone acess but refusing to let anyone touch anything and became agitated and angry if anyone tried. He had been a hoarder for years too and there were rooms full of his stuff (so I suspect it was much worse than your dad's flat). He was moving from his own home to a smaller flat and the only way to get him out was for the family to put all his possessions into storage and he would have a key to the storage place so that he could constantly check things were stillthere. It cost the family £130 per month for storage but they said it was worth it. Apparently the owners of the storage company didn't find it at all strange and said they had many people who came and checked on their belongings. It doesn't sound like your dad has so much stuff though - could you not just take it all to the smaller flat.

I do wonder however if your dad is actually struggling with the idea of actually moving and if that is the case, could you talk to him though sometimes trying to be rational with someone who is irrational is a pointless exercise. Maybe he wants to stay put after all and can't face the move. You don't say how old he is but older people do find change very difficult. You mention OCD and it sounds like your dad has this and if you google "hoarding" you will see that it is an OCD problem and it also says the outlook for change is very remote............hope you find a way through this eventually.

[ScarlettCrossbones]

Thanks, NanaNina, yes, I believe it is a long shot that he'll get completely better, but moving here should definitely have a positive impact ... if he ever makes it ... I do get thoughts running through my head that I'll get a call from the police saying he's been found dead behind his door, surrounded by pieces of paper, dead almost from the mental effort of the thought of clearing them all ... I know, it sounds completely ridiculous and it would be emotional blackmail if I were to tell him I've been thinking like this but at the same time, I just want to do something to put the proverbial rocket up his backside.

He's 63 btw, been in this situation since his late forties really, so not that old.

He definitely doesn't want to stay put - he hates City A with a passion and has been vehement in letters he has written to the council etc about his "enforced separation" from his family - as that is what it was all those years he was on the waiting list - causing his mental health to break down. I know what you're saying though, that when it actually comes to the crunch he's finding it difficult to go through with it - definitely possiblem though he denies it ...