Is this anxiety/depression or just me being antisocial/lazy?

[Calyx]

I'm a bit mixed up. I'm 38, work in NHS, married, no children yet (TTC).

I've always found it difficult to go out and meet people socially. Never have or had a problem in a work setting although I do tend to avoid 'work nights out' as I don't drink and don't like hanging around people who are getting drunk etc. My colleagues are all lovely and never hassle me if I say I don't fancy going to the pub or whatever.

One of my colleagues (doesn't work in my office but comes in some days to do paperwork) has asked me once or twice to meet her after work, eg for salsa dancing classes for a laugh. I didn't fancy salsa and told her thanks but no. I like this girl and gave her a lift home once from the christmas meal, we seem to have some things in common and I enjoy chatting with her.

Anyway on Friday she came into work and said had I checked my facebook as she had sent me a message. I checked on the iphone and right enough she had written a few days back to invite me to her house tonight (Saturday) for dinner with a few other people. I was embarrassed that I hadn't seen/replied to the message but she was lovely and asked if I wanted to come along. I said yes right away and asked if I could bring anything to help her out, she said she's doing moroccan so I could bring salad or pitta bread. I was really pleased and flattered to be asked. Plus she doesn't drink so I've not got that to worry about!

So that was yesterday. I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought was 'oh no I have to go to xxx's for dinner tonight'. No reason for me to be anxious or anything but I just couldn't stop stressing about it. I can't even pinpoint one thing that I'm worried about. Maybe because I don't know the others who will be there (all girls). I had bought salad on the way home from work yesterday, not stressed at all, in fact I was pleased that I had a plan for Saturday (DH works till late and my sister and her family who I usually see at weekends are away on holiday this week).

I had a few things to do today and found myself just sitting with a cigarette and a cup of tea at half past 2, still hadn't done anything, washing or shopping etc, because I was anxious and my mind kept coming up with excuses I could use to get out of having to go for dinner. I phoned my sister who is on holiday at our mum's in the western isles and at first she was saying 'just go, you'll enjoy yourself and you'll be wondering what all the stress was about' (which is probably true) but I got upset and started to cry because I'm so frustrated that I'm feeling like this for no reason. So she said look, maybe it's just because you don't know the others, why don't you phone xxx and cancel but ask her if she wants to come to the pictures with you next week to see the A Team or something'. Brilliant plan I thought, xxx will know that I'm not just trying to brush her off so shouldn't be offended.

So I called xxx's house number but voicemail was on. I called her mobile but it went to voicemail. After getting voicemail twice I left a message at 3pm saying I'm sorry, but won't be able to make it tonight after all, and will call you back to explain. As soon as I had left the message I felt better but I haven't managed to reach her to explain yet. I tried again an hour later and then again at 5pm but still voicemail so I have texted her as well saying the same thing.

I'm now sitting here feeling awful and terrible, guilty and pathetic and I still don't know why I didn't want to go to her house for a nice dinner. I'm worried about talking to her and trying to explain that I worked myself up into a state and can't come over. I really don't want to make up an excuse and lie to this poor girl, I hate lying and I want her to know that it's not her, it's me.

But what is the matter with me? Sorry this is so long and thanks if you've read all this.

BTW DH and I had problems about 2 months ago re: his drinking but after going to al-anon meetings and reading 'codependent no more' I realised I was classic codependent and have been trying to raise my self esteem etc. I was off work for 2 weeks with 'stress' (lovely GP) and things between DH and myself have improved immeasurably. I had booked myself for counselling through my work but had to cancel due to work being too busy and people being on annual leave but after this month when we have more staff I'm planning on arranging it again, with the aim of improving my self esteem. I'm adding this because I feel it has to have a bearing on why I'm doing this to myself today My self esteem feels really low at the moment but I'm doing it to MYSELF and I don't understand WHY.

[Calyx]

I just managed to reach her on the phone and told her I just woke up feeling anxious today and panicky and I hope she doesn't mind me not coming over this evening. She was really nice and said not to worry and maybe we could try another night sometime. She asked if I was okay and I said I would be fine and apologised again. She said everyone needs time on their own and she wasn't upset with me so I feel better about that. I'm glad I didn't just make up an excuse and I hope she doesn't feel as though I'm trying to avoid her personally, which I'm not. Why do I feel like this and why couldn't I just get ready and go over and have a nice evening?

[teameric]

Sorry you feel this wat Calyx, I do sypmphasise (sp?) I would recommend trying Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, it basically just helps change the way you think and approach things. I am having it at the moment and find it really helps with my anxiousness (I was also on ad's which helped loads but I've just come off them) I've always been shy and suffered with low self esteem and used to find social situations really difficult, maybe next time she asks you to go out just try and force yourself to go (I know that sounds hard when you feel so stressed about it all) but I think once your out you will (hopefully) enjoy yourself and wonder why you were so worried.

[teameric]

wow just read that back, sorry for the poor grammer/spelling but I'm really tired

[hugglymugly]

I can well understand your feelings today, as there have been times when I've felt the same about socialising. I know that for a lot of people it's a fun thing to do, but there are also a lot of people for whom it's stressful. I would have found it daunting to think about spending an evening with people I don't know.

Your feelings are probably a consequence of anxiety/depression - which wouldn't be at all surprising given what else you're dealing with at the moment. I've had counselling in the past and one of the many things my counsellor pointed out was how much energy is used during times of anxiety and depression. No matter that it feels like the brain is just full of fog, it is using a heck of a lot more energy than if you'd felt enthusiastic about this evening. Now that you've dealt with the situation by withdrawing from it, you could well find that you'll feel both relieved and tired as a result. The brain/mind is a very complex thing, but it does sound as if it spent most of today sending you signals - including, maybe, 'Look, if you are going out tonight, that's going to take a lot of energy, so do as little as possible during the day to conserve your resources.'

Both you and your friend have dealt with this really well (I hope I don't sound patronising when I say that - I have been through this myself). You have decided to do what's best for you in your current situation; and she has responded in a positive way. Maybe you could think about her response - could she possibly understand your feelings because she's experienced them herself? When I told my counsellor about how anxious I felt waiting in a long queue when everybody else seemed perfectly ok, the answer was: 'How do you know that there isn't someone else feeling exactly the same way but seeing you as someone who's calm?' In other words, none of us really knows who else is out there experiencing the same kinds of feelings.

Don't beat yourself up about this. Those weren't emotions you deliberately engendered; they are a consequence of everything else that is going on in your life. Hopefully some counselling sessions will help - certainly they helped me.

[Calyx]

Thanks Teameric and don't worry about the spelling etc I'm going to ask about CBT when I get to call the counselling through my work. I don't really know whether I want to start AD's but it's good to know they helped you in case this anxiety carries on - I think I would rather take AD's than feel like I did today and spoil my whole Saturday. I just don't understand why I'm being like this when I'm not shy (well I don't think so) and I'm not wary of this girl in the slightest, and you're right I bet - if I'd forced myself to go (or if someone like my sister had been here to talk me into it) I would most likely have had a lovely time. I hope you get an early night and feel better tomorrow! PS peeked at your photos and they're gorgeous!

[Calyx]

Hugglymuggly - I just posted to teameric and when it refreshed there was your message. Wow you do know how I was feeling as well.

'Now that you've dealt with the situation by withdrawing from it, you could well find that you'll feel both relieved and tired as a result.' Are you a mind reader?! I feel as tired as if I'd done a whole day at work.

You don't sound patronising at all and I'm actually relieved that you and teameric seem to know exactly how I was feeling today. I thought I was going mad.

You've given me something to think about as well when you said my friend may have felt similar in the past. I don't know why but I feel she might be shy or anxious herself and maybe that is why she was so understanding on the phone. It was such a relief, my hands were shaking calling her, hoping she wouldn't sound offended or anything, but even in my worked up state she didn't say anything to make me feel bad or guilty, even the tone of her voice was just really nice and calm and 'don't worry'.

Thank you both for writing back and I'm really going to make it a priority to get to counselling as I'm hoping not to go through that too many more times in my life.

I feel a bit more normal knowing others have felt the same. I love mumsnet.

[hugglymugly]

"I feel a bit more normal knowing others have felt the same. I love mumsnet. "

Me too.

[teameric]

Thankyou Calyx! Me 3 on that too makes me feel like I'm not on my own

[Calyx]

if it wasn't for you guys I'd still be feeling upset with myself and as it is, I'm going to treat myself to a wee nap. Have a lovely weekend.

ps Hugglymugly just noticed I misspelled your name, sorry about that (love the name though, gives me a smile!)

[oprahfan]

Hi Calyx, Huggly and Teameric
I know exactly how you are all feeling.....I'm sorry you're going through these times!
I find socialising very stressful at times, but I'm certainly not shy, and find myself withdrawing a lot of the time. Even if I get invited out by people that I have known for years, when it comes to the actual event, I back out at the last moment!!!! Also felt same about being in queues, have been on a medication called sertaline, which helped enormously. I don't know about all of you, but I just don't want to keep withdrawing anymore. But there is a reason why this happens.......read on...........

There is some interesting reading to be had on wikipedia about avoidant personality/social avoidant behaviour, don't know how to post a link to that yet, technophobe I'm afraid, but you all speak and sound exactly how I feel. There's also a link from Wiki to some message boards,they're very supportive on there. Research into avoidant/social anxiety is still in the early stages, but some medication can help, as well as CBT with a therapist/counsellor.
Don't know if any of the above will apply to you, but they certainly did to me. Hang in there girls...you ain't alone!!!!!xxxxx

[Calyx]

Thanks oprahfan I'll have a look on wikipedia and see if there's anything on there ringing bells for me too. I'm glad you're feeling better too