Scared, anxious and only 7 weeks pregnant

[germl]

I am 7 weeks pregnant, have fibromyalgia and I am starting to feel really anxious...bloody 33 more weeks of this!
I have a DS who is 20 months old. Had an EMCS last time which was fine. I had terrible SPD from about 13/14 weeks that by about 22 weeks meant I could barely walk and was in a wheelchair if we went out. I had physio, but the physiotherapist became reluctant to manipulate my hips etc as my fibromyalgia would flare up, so I just had to carry on. I became depressed as I was in constant pain, didn't want to wake up in the morning, move, talk do anything. I was also constantly ill in pregnancy - coughs and colds mainly, but it just made me feel even crappier. My GP diagnosed antenatal depression, but I didn't want to use anti depressants. I have a very supportive family who helped me with everything (my mother would even bathe me when I was so depressed and in pain with fibro/SPD that I couldn't move) and in this pregnancy my DM is going to take a break from working to look after me as I can already feel my hips starting to click and grind.
I haven't spoken to the MWs yet as it's still very early, but I have visited my GP and HV who are going to be supporting me mentally as I have anxiety and trust issues with MWs and also know I will be in pain again with SPD and fibro which is hard for me to get my head around. I didn't have a great time with MWs in my last pregnancy - they didn't really seem to take on board how much pain I was in even though I told them, never asked me about a birth plan, laughed off my insomnia as normal (I was sleeping about 2 hours a night from about 32 weeks), 2 days after my EMCS I was in agony with back spasms aggravated by the lack of sleep and a fibro flare up and asked for help with changing my DS to be told "no". These all sound really petty, but it was little thing after little thing that kept mounting up - came to a head when a community midwife said " you could die if you have an infection" as I had a temperature of 37.2C - not the best thing to say to someone who has "ANXIETY" written at the top of her notes highlighted!
I don't know what's wrong with me though, I find myself fixated on these things and others that happened and I am dreading having to go through this again. You would think I have enough to worry about what with SPD and fibromyalgia AND a 20month old! My HV and GP have been brilliant - giving me advice, asking me to push for a consultant led pregnancy which I want to do, but I am terrified that the MWs will not refer me, I don't want be under their care.
I had counselling after my DS was born and thought I was over this, but I keep coming back to it. I know, logically, that things will be different this time as I have been pregnant before, know what to expect, my DH is more confident in standing up for me if I can't and I have a lot of support from all angles, so why can't I get through this? Why can't I just let it go? I find myself crying in fear sometimes, as I just don't want to be in the place I was mentally last time, it is too hard for me and everyone else. I had PND last time that was picked up quickly, and strangely I am not worried about how I would deal with that as I was happy to take medication. I don't really know why I have posted, pretty sure I am just being picky and annoying and silly, but I needed to get it off my chest.

Sorry if it is ranty, makes no sense etc. Oh and sorry it is so long!

[Nemofish]

Paragraphs, darling, use paragraphs!

I don't know why you can't get through this... Could it be worth talking about what happened before with a counsellor or therapist? I know it's not unusual for people to be literally traumatised by these experiences around pregnancy and birth.

FWIW I don't think you are being picky or annoying or silly.

[countrylover]

I was petrified of having a second baby. My first experience of birth was very traumatic followed by a couple of years of undiagnosed PTSD and PND.

When I found out we were pregnant again I cried, not with happiness but with outright fear. It was planned but all the same I went into anxiety overdrive. I didn't sleep for two nights and I was having the most awful thoughts about not wanting to go through with it. The first three months were dreadful, absolutely awful. I have a phobia of being sick too so feeling queasy all the time didn't help but I was just so anxious about having another baby and history repeating itself.

However here I am a year nearly two years later with two beautiful children, over my second lot of PND (I'm afraid to say that yes, it did come back again despite my best efforts) but feeling absolutely great.

I am so pleased that I faced my fears and had another baby and if I'm honest I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted. I know I never ever have to go through pregnancy, childbirth and PND again and I can tell you that's a HUGE relief!

So I guess what I'm saying is yes it's going to be tough for a while but you WILL get through it and it WILL be worth it. Good luck xx

[germl]

Thank you both! I know it will be different, it is so silly that I can't keep that at the front of my mind. I spoke to a counsellor before and thought I was over it, but I hope it is only the initial 'getting used to it' feeling and that I will get past it the further into pregnancy I get.

Right, I am going to make sure I get these thoughts over to my doctor, she is going to be seeing me every two weeks or so, so I have to be honest with her and let her know how much this affects me - maybe she will refer me back to the counsellor again.

Countrylover - I think that knowing this is the last time I have to do pregnancy is something I should use to keep me going. I'll keep the mantra "It's a means to an end"!

Sorry Nemofish, I didn't preview my post - I do it all the time and every time I think 'PREVIEW!!'

[countrylover]

I used to repeat it to myself several times a day when I was pregnant - "I never have to do this again, I never have to do this again"!