Any chorister parents who can advise?

[ChoirDilemma]

DS (8) has been offered the chance to become a chorister with a cathedral choir, and DH and I are in the throes of trying to decide whether this would be the right thing or not.

Joining the choir would mean that DS would have to board (although only weekly boarding in the probationer year). We are fortunate in that he already attends the school as a non-chorister day pupil, so he wouldn't need to change schools and he already knows many of the boys in the choir. He's the sort of personality that would be fine with boarding.

It's a fantastic opportunity, and as parents we've pretty much decided that if he wants to do it we'll support him. However, I'm struggling to gauge how much he actually wants it, and how to tell whether it's the right choice for him.

The difficulty is that although Ds is expressing an interest, he isn't jumping up and down with excitement at the prospect either. He's a contrary soul at times, and in the past has been known to turn activities down for no particularly good reason, only to clearly enormously enjoy them when persuaded to join in. So for the moment we're not asking him outright, but are giving him a chance to mull it over. He hasn't said anything to indicate he definitely doesn't want to do it.

I had (possibly mistakenly) assumed that all choristers were little prodigies who obviously lived and breathed music. DS isn't like that, but he does enjoy playing his violin (though he moans about practice) and at home he breaks into song constantly (and loudly!). He sings while he's doing homework, or playing, in the bath, at the dinner table, walking along the street, pretty much everywhere. He'll make up songs, sing snatches of hymns, even try to copy Latin lyrics that he's heard sung by the school choirs. I watched him sing in a school performance recently (before a choristership was even under consideration), and was really struck by how earnest, absorbed and comfortable he appeared while singing. He is a born performer and loves acting/plays etc. He's not that keen on the school choir he is in, but I think that is more a reflection of a personality clash with the teacher who leads it. He was honest with the choirmaster who auditioned him and said that he likes singing sometimes, depending on what he's singing.

I think it's quite possible he would love being a chorister. There are also lots of sound reasons why in his particular case the experience would be likely to benefit him. I've spoken to other chorister parents who tell me that their sons joined the choir just because they seemed to like singing, rather than because they openly badgered their parents to become choristers.

My instinct with DS is to gently encourage him to at least give it a go, but I'm not sure whether or not that's a reasonable stance to take. It's clear that life as a chorister requires enormous dedication. I don't want to push him into something that's fundamentally not right for him, but equally I don't want him to miss out on an opportunity that he might love. He is the sort of child that, once he began something like this, would be likely to get caught up in it and "discover" the necessary dedication, if that makes sense. But if he has to think about it, rather than being instantly keen, does that mean it's not the right choice for him? If he only likes singing under certain circumstances, rather than being desperate to sing all the time, does that mean it's not right for him?

Any advice from seasoned chorister parents would be most welcome!

[Ishouldbeweaving]

Maybe Shedding will come and have a word as she has just been through the same decision with her DD.

[Theas18]

Chorister parent here but not choir school, and from age 9 at youngest.

My feelings - go for it! I guess the boarding is a change but if he's a day boy anyway you aren't for away. I assume if it doesn't work hes back to day school and his " usual path" ?

It's a very special education and sets you up with lots of skills - quite apart from the music - my big kids juggle uni study, choral scholarships and a great social life very effectively and I believe that's because they've always had to do that to fit everything in lol.

For DS especially choir was a support network and a mood booster when primary school was a bit rubbish - pretty much a lifesaver.

[ChoirDilemma]

Thank you for the reassurance!

I was half-expecting replies along the lines of "don't even think about it unless Ds is red-hot keen and biting your arm off to do it", so I'm relieved to find that "try it and see" is a reasonable approach.

A big part of me thinks, what's the worst that could happen? If he doesn't like it, he just goes back to being a day boy. I'd be at school every day anyway because his younger brother is there too, so it's not like we wouldn't see him from one weekend to the next.

Right, I think some gentle coaxing may be called for. DS is a child who doesn't like change while it's happening, but is perfectly content with a new set-up once any upheaval is over.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Hello OP not a chorister here but dd is a musician, mainly singing.
The school she is to attend also auditioned for choristers and whilst dd lives to sing the type of singing as a chorister wasn't for her, so she decided against it, preferring to still attend the school but as a music student.
I have heard its very full on, which suits many children.
Only you know your child, but I would ask if you think the experience would be broad enough to allow him to sing the type of songs he enjoys.
I do think they need to be very committed and don't get much time off like many other dc.
Working Christmas Day and Easter holidays etc and even as a boarder we were told it was a commitment the whole family had to make.
I'm not sure if this is the same for all chorister families though.
In the end it wasn't for us but dd didn't really go through much of the process.
I would ask about your expected commitment, be honest with ds as to the lifestyle. Do they have any trial period you could experience before deciding?

[ChoirDilemma]

Thanks, morethan. Congratulations to your DD - she's just got into Chets, hasn't she? (I'm not a stalker, I promise, I just lurk on music threads!)

Good point about breadth of musical experience. I don't think DS has a preferred type of song (yet). He's just as happy singing hymns as attempting to belt it out X-factor style. He is a quirky child who loves history and I think the traditions and esoterica associated with choral music would appeal to him.

The director of music was pretty honest about the lifestyle when we chatted at the audition - for example he told DS that the choristers sing 3 times on Sundays. The probationer year is a lot less intense - they attend a reduced number of services, go home for 2 nights every weekend and are not required to stay for Christmas Day.

DS is going to attend one of the choir rehearsals after half term to see what the less glamorous aspects of chorister life look like.

[morethanpotatoprints]

That sounds absolutely terrific tbh, and not what we had heard at all.
It just goes to show how situations can vary.
I love the home every weekend bit, and of course if he likes hymns you are halfway there.
I think the only problem would be if he didn't tbh, like my dd who only likes the odd bit of John Rutter.
It's also far better on the voice when they are younger and you know it is being trained and used in safe manner which is worth so much these days.
Have they said if he doesn't like it he can go back to day attendance, that would be the best offer.
If he wants to do it, you must encourage him imo, as I have found they really mean it when they say they'll never forgive you if you don't.
The jumping for joy or not I really wouldn't worry about, maybe because he is already at the school he doesn't see it as such a change. He also knows what choristers do and the fact they board.
Let him have a go, you won't lose anything.
I also missed half your post for some reason, so got the incomplete picture.
I blame lack of sleep atm

Thanks for the congrats
Hope all goes well, keep us posted. x

[yetanotherchangename]

The boarding would bother me

[RaspberryLemonPavlova]

Another chorister parent here, but not choir school.

DS2 asked to audition, then changed his mind. We suggested he tried being a probationer to see what it was like, he loved it and hasn't looked back.

He has learnt so much, including time management skills and being organised. He plays three instruments and is doing really well academically so is fitting everything in.

It has been an amazing experience and one we have all enjoyed. It does affect the whole family though, and obviously your Christmas and Easter holidays are committed. Choral Evensong was new to all of us, so it has a been a huge learning curve.

Go for it!

[morethanpotatoprints]

yetanother

just out of interest why would the boarding bother you?
It took me a long time to come to terms with this, even as a possibility.
I said she would have to wait until at least 14 but she wore me down.
I didn't think I would cope, I'm still not sure I will.

[ChoirDilemma]

morethan, if DS said he wouldn't forgive us if we didn't let him try then at least it would be easier to gauge his level of interest! You might be right that because he's at the school already and takes the choristers for granted, he's more matter-of-fact about it. If he became a probationer but didn't want to continue, it would simply be a matter of returning to being a day boy at the same school.

yetanother, the boarding bothers me too, and it wasn't something we ever dreamed we'd consider. However I'm pretty sure it would suit DS, he just has the right sort of personality. The advice I've had from a mother with a boy in a non-boarding choir is that if they don't board you spend every spare minute ferrying them to rehearsals and services, and that's not something we could manage logistically as a family.

Raspberry, I think my DS would be like yours - a bit jittery about committing at the start, but then loving it once he actually tried it.

Every so often he mentions something to do with the choristers (today it was that so-and-so in his class was being to made up from probationer to full chorister) so I think he's just getting his head round it all in his own way. Someone asked him today whether he was going to be a probationer, and he said "Maybe", but in a thoughtful, considering tone rather than a doubtful one. He's usually pretty emphatic about things he doesn't want to do, so I'll take that as an encouraging sign!

[RaspberryLemonPavlova]

So true about the ferrying round. We are lucky to live five mins drive but everything else always has to fit round it.

We didn't have a clue. DS was fast tracked as a probationer, he started in the middle of May and was made up in September. It only dawned on me about Christmas and Easter afterwards.

I asked DH the other day if we would have gone ahead knowng the the full extent of the commitment at the time. He isn't sure but is very glad we did.

[RaspberryLemonPavlova]

Definitely just take it in stages with your DS, ultimately it has to be something they want to do, but they need to have confidence to give it a go.

[blob24]

You might like this press article:

www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/music/classicalmusic/10394004/Confessions-of-a-choir-mother.html

I would encourage him to join the choir but would tell him that if he is unhappy he can always leave and you would support his decision.

[ChoirDilemma]

it has to be something they want to do, but they need to have confidence to give it a go

Thanks, Raspberry - that articulates it well. I want to be sure that lack of confidence isn't preventing him from trying something he might enjoy.

blob24, I've read that article and thought it was very balanced.

[RaspberryLemonPavlova]

We were clear right right from the start that he could leave if it made him unhappy. In fact he had a wobble about a year in, agreed to give it to the end of term, and then was happy again.

[Theas18]

read the telegraph article. Agree fair comments- except I have to disagree with the comments re girls voices - I guess as a mum of girl choristers ( as well as boy) I have to say that, but it is really incredibly hard to find any differences between the best girls (who have grown up in the anglican choral tradition and been trained) and the best boys. IMHO actually our girls ( as they go on to school leaving age) are significantly better than the boys as they just have years more experience. 22yr old DD1 is still able to sing like a boy if it's needed LOL

[yetanotherchangename]

"why would the boarding bother you?" I think because they are so young to be away from their family.

It could suit some children (and the OP mentions that she thinks it would suit her son) but for me this is the bit that really needs close investigation and consideration as a problematic boarding experience is difficult to recover from.

If the answer, after consideration, is yes, boarding would be a great option for him at this school, then the probationer route is a no-brainer.

[yetanotherchangename]

Sorry - reading that back it sounds as if I'm criticising boarding, which I didn't intend to do.

What I meant to say is that whether to board or not is a bigger decision than whether to be a chorister or not (IMHO) so the decisions should be made in that order.

[morethanpotatoprints]

yetanother

I didn't think you were criticising fwiw, was just interested in your take
I know what you mean and I feel such a hypocrite because having no previous knowledge of boarding school was so anti, to say the least.
I will miss her terribly, especially after we have been almost inseparable for the past 3 years. I'm not sure what I'll do with myself, and the thought fills me with dread.
So many family members and friends have told me how selfish it would be to try to dissuade her, but honestly it will break my heart, even though she will be back at weekends.

[ChoirDilemma]

morethan, I know what you mean about feeling like a hypocrite, because I always said I'd never consider boarding. It's a different matter discussing it in the abstract and contemplating a real opportunity though.

yetanother, I agree with you about the order of the decisions. There would be no point even considering it if boarding wasn't right for DS. The factors that sway me are: his personality (he's a loud, gregarious, energetic leader and joiner-in), the fact that we know and trust the school and its pastoral care, his age (wouldn't even contemplate it for a 7yo, but DS would be almost 9 when he started) and the fact that there would be frequent opportunities to see DS throughout the week and a weekends (for example, parents can come in the evening and help with homework, and the boys can come out on Saturdays for a large chunk of the day even beyond the probationer stage).

Plan is to talk to the HM, ask if DS can have a tour of the boarding house, and arrange a "taster" attendance at a chorister rehearsal.

Mind you, tonight I watched him striking poses in the bath while belting out pseudo-Latin lyrics and thought "maybe this isn't so hard a decision after all"...

[Noteventhebestdrummer]

Morethan

Why would you even contemplate boarding at Chets if you don't need to?

[pasbeaucoupdegendarme]

Ex-chorister here, also sister of an ex-chorister and married to an ex-chorister!

Go for it. It is the most fantastic and enriching experience, and it really, truly gives you transferrable skills that are invaluable later on. Never mind the musical heritage!

We've said for a long time, choral scholarship is the only reason we'd consider boarding for our dc. I think it would be worth it.