Getting husband to move out

[Notenjoyinglife]

Hi, just hoping for some advice / comments from someone who has already done this. I've been married for 8 years. Most not happy - originally due to H lack financial input (any at all) ad lack of input into child care. I originally stayed as I didn't want to separate and as a High earner I was able to work and do bulk of child care. Needless to say this wasn't enough for him and he moved on to worse activities including spending alot and making the house a miserable place to be by hoarding for all his hobbies and interests. Ultimately this as progressed to ruining holidays and friendships by his unpredictable and selfish behaviour.

I cant believe i have been so stupid putting up with this. I looked into escaping several times over the years but felt unable to leave as I was warned by solicitors that since he wont work most of the time he could claim that he was main child-carer and be awarded custody of the children. However, I now have realised that I have to get out and I believe that he would not be able to maintain caring for the children as he is simply not capable of looking after the children for any length of time.

So, after pressure from me he finally has a job again and I have now asked him to leave. Unsurprisingly, since he is sitting pretty making no financial contribution he will not leave. He is planning a holiday abroad next month for a couple of weeks - he will be taking unpaid time off work for this.

Solicitor originally said to me that he cannot be forced out. I am going back to see my solicitor with this in a couple of days but I am so desperately unhappy in the meantime.

Does anyone have any experience of this? Or just some anecdotes of how it is worth it in the end - to cheer me up??

It seems so unfair that he can just do whatever he wants and without any consequences. Will his continued lack of contribution be recognised? He is confidently expecting to stay on as long as possible and then take half of what I have left (all I have is some equity in the house - I don't even have money to take all the kids on holiday this summer).

Thanks for listening

[HeliumHeart]

You poor thing, it sounds awful.

My circumstances are different but a friend has recently divorced her husband in similar circumstances - he wasn't working or contributing at all to the household and refused to ever leave... as you put it - why would he when everything was being paid for?

My friend was the high earner and the house was in joint names but in negative equity. Her lawyer simply forged on with the divorce and now that the divorce has been finalised, the house is being transferred into her sole name and he will then be forced to leave.

I think in your position I would be wanting a solicitor who had a PLAN. You don't have to put up with this over the long term.

[LookingforaRainbow]

I am kinda in the same situation.
I've been married for 12 years & i want to get a divorce.
I work, i don't earn loads (under 30k) and he doesn't work.
We have 5 children together and he looks after them, one is not in school yet.
We have been living together even though I've told him its over in January.
He does not work because he doesn't want to work but it very happy for me to work so that he doesn't have to. I've tried asking/gently encouraging him to get a p/t job but he won't.

I have this past couple of weeks repeatedly asked him to move out. He could move back in with his mum as she has 2 spare room.
He says he doesn't want to do that. I said we can't live together when we're divorced and he simply replied, yes we can :(
I know its not ideal moving back in with his mum but renting in London is very expensive.

I have printed off the divorce papers but i want us to agree on the kids before i do anything else.
However all I've had over the last few months is him throwing it in my face that he's the kids carer as i work.
I'm too scared to start getting a divorce because i think there's a high chance I'll lose the kids and that I'd be forced out of the house.
I've said i want us to have shared care and we can sort that all out etc and i want us to agree on it rather than leave it down to a judge or people who don't know us or our kids but he wants the house and the kids. We are in a housing association flat and both our names are on the rent lease.

This whole situation is making me so unhappy. I am very lonely and have no help or support from anyone where as he has his family.

[Notenjoyinglife]

Thanks for replies. Heliumheart I think you are right - the solicitor I saw recently was sort of helpful but shrugged his shoulders at me a lot and didn't really seem to have much of a Plan over it all. Going to really push him this week about how to try and move things forward.

I feel so bad for the kids. Though it is me pushing for separation I just feel so bad. Things will be better for them long term if we split but i cant help but think that it is not their fault I chose such a lousy man to be their dad.

Lookingforarainbow that sounds awful. Can you see a solicitor for advice? I was finally able to see that it was possible to escape after seeing one when before I just felt very trapped.

[LalaDipsey]

Hi, I thought my husband would completely refuse to move out but in the end he did after 6 months. My solicitor had advised that if he refused to move out there was nothing I could do until the divorce was final and then once the house had been awarded / split etc he would have to move. I suggest you go and see some more solicitors until, as suggested, you find one with a plan and go from there. Worst case scenario divorce takes a year but by summer 2014 you could be free

[wheredidiputit]

Laladipsey nice to see you. I was thinking about you earlier.

Hope you and your DC are doing ok.

Sorry for the high jack.

[Noregrets78]

Hi my situation has been really very similar to yours. I tried waiting until H had a job so i wasn't casting him out on the street, but it just wasn't happening! Similar to what others have suggested - I cracked on with the divorce anyway. After a few months he did move out - we are still wrangling over the house etc, and he's constantly threatening to move back, but so far as not (crosses fingers).

We've been able to split the child care, and his threats to go for full residency have not come to anything. I figure it's all about the status quo - so I'm concentrating on stability of our current arrangements rather than any court cases. Being the main carer is not just about the number of hours you spend at home. Do you do other key things for DC - taking to medical appointments? School meetings? Hair cuts / shoe fittings? There is a big difference between being a SAHP through mutual choice and refusing to work.

Don't think he can be forced out unless he's violent, and even then it can be difficult. Concentrating on resolving things on a more permanent basis and then you'll be sorted.

[LalaDipsey]

Hi Wheredidiputit lovely to see you. We are doing ok. h has been gone for 3.5 months now although we have yet to talk divorce. Much better on the whole, although I am having a lonely week!! how are you? (Sorry to hijack also!)

[wheredidiputit]

I'm glad you getting on ok without him. Is he being helpful at all.

I'm fine.

[LalaDipsey]

Glad you're ok. He comes over once a week for 3 hours and 50% of the time falls asleep on the sofa for at least half an hour.

[ihearsounds]

Op whose name is the house in?
Why does he have access to your money? Personally I would open an account in my name, have all my money paid into that, and transfer any dd's into that account. Take my name off the joint account and let him get on with trying to spend nothing.

[Notenjoyinglife]

Hiya thanks for all replies. Nice to hear about life going on afterwards. I hope it doesn't take 6 months for him to go.
No joint account, I was just stupid letting him have access to my account. The house is solely in my name. I think that might make a difference in getting him out but I have to wait to see the solicitor again.

Thanks again for your replies.

[STIDW]

The way to get him out is to start the divorce and reach a financial settlement. It doesn't matter who contributed what by the virtue of being both spouses have the same rights to live in the former matrimonial home.

[professorgrommit]

Maybe try to see this from his and legal perspective - this is the shared marital and his home, not yours alone. Trying to get him to leave his home with nowhere agreed for him to go may be presented by his solicitor as harrassment. Imagine if he tried to do this to you!... Also if he is childs main carer he will have a stonger claim on house and for maintance from you (regardless if house is in your name as court order can be made to transfer ownership) although maintenace will consider his earnings too (so make sure he don't quit his job!) Also ignore the short term house costs etc regardless of how annoying it is as it will all be counted as your joint assets regardless of whose bank account it is paid from. As op say, you need to issue the divorce papers and get on with the divorce which will force him to address the issues including living seperately and making arrangements for the children. Good luck!

[Notenjoyinglife]

He has not been the main childcarer - though I suspect he will claim this - but how can i disprove this when he has not been working? I have no control over his working at all - in fact I am sure that he will stop working again just as soon as he has enough money for the 3 week holiday he plans to take in September.

Moral of the story : don't marry feckless losers because you are in "lurve". You will never change them however much you support them.

[professorgrommit]

Yep that was what happened to me too. Crap but best to cut your losses and move on as the longer your marriage the bigger his claim. You will be able to rebuild your finances once you got rid. Also I would suggest you try to keep it as unacrinomious as poss and settle by negitiation out of court as sounds like he could really screw you in court. Anyway get a good lawyer for sure!

[BlueStringPudding]

You should be able to prove who the main childcarer is. How old are your children? If they're at school, who takes and collects them from school? Who deals with school stuff - clubs, play dates, school trips etc? If you use childcare for that, then who does the childcarer interact with about arrangements - you or your DH? If your DH is not performing childcare, you must have something else in place - either you do that, and people will be able to confirm it, or you pay someone else to do it..

Good luck..

[Notenjoyinglife]

All the children are now school age. I can prove he didn't look after them prior to school. I usually do most of school pick ups etc and definitely am the one who deals with all school admin / contact / parent-teacher stuff / play dates an parties - but how do you prove that?
I have mostly been the only earner and this makes it look like he has taken on the other roles but he hasn't.

Thanks for good wishes. It has been so useful to hear the stories of others. I am trying not to think of the injustice and short term now. Whatever it costs financially it will be worth it. We will never be entirely free of him because he is the kids dad but I look forward to him having less power to ruin our happiness on a continual daily basis. He has not been coming home much since my first post and it has been heaven.

[Notenjoyinglife]

Hi, I thought I would come back to this thread and update as the advice /support offered in personal messages was so helpful at the time, and I hope the thread could be of use to someone else.

Well 2 years on but still not entirely resolved. Now ExH continued to pursue the line of having been a house husband - though it was entirely a lie and a cynical attempt to pursue ongoing spousal support. Thankfully, he never tried to assume custody of the children which was always my worst nightmare (though he did periodically threaten to when he wanted to exert pressure on me). A few months after this thread started he was having such fun working when he liked, coming and going at all hours, seeing the kids on demand (only for the fun stuff), going on boys holidays, making new friends and relishing the idea that he was set up for life when he eventually got maintenance. As a consequence he took up a relatives offer to house sit long term for them and he moved out into their luxury pad. he had been making my life hell - threatening that he was recording me in the house, waking the children up when he came in, deliberately making huge messes in the kitchen after I had finished cleaning etc.

His moving out was such a relief, I feel so sorry for anyone who has to go through this cohabiting with an ex phase.

The posters on my thread were right. Despite the house being mine it was regarded as the marital home and I couldn't force him out. However, once he was out and had moved into somewhere else the solicitor was very clear that it was ok to change the locks - on the basis that this was my home and that he had a home elsewhere.
Since then I have been trying to resolve finances. It has cost over £20000 so far and I expect to have (at most) half the capital I entered the marriage with. Despite having been a high earner and the carer throughout the marriage.

However, ongoing spousal support has been turned down (was pursued in the legal system to the end) and I have custody of the children. I hope that this is of comfort to someone else.
Best wishes

[QOD]

Great to hear from you. You sound amazingly strong

[Notenjoyinglife]

Thank you. Not sure I am strong. He nearly broke me. Luckily he was very greedy and devious but also not very clever. If he had done all the right things he could have taken the children and been set up financially forever. As it is I am ruined financially but the kids are settled and happy with me and I have sufficient earning power to improve life for us in the future - eventually. I can't believe I am free (well as free as I will ever be as the kids will always connect us).

[iwillsurviveagain]

Notenjoyinglife I am 2 years behind you. Your experience gives me hope.

[Notenjoyinglife]

Good iwillsurviveagain. It does get easier to deal with and gradually things change for the better.

[TooSassy]

notenjoyinife are you saying that after two years you still are NOT divorced???

My god your process sounds horrendous!

[ohdearymeee]

Sounds horrendous - I was where you were this time last year, I said it was over and he refused to move out. I practically stayed in my bedroom most of the winter was very depressing, then after xmas I started looking for a rental house and put the house up for sale. X wouldn't move out as his mates told him to stay put and I think he thought I would change my mind. Luckily a buyer was found while I was moving out.
I haven't started divorce proceedings yet that will be my next thing after this xmas.

[Notenjoyinglife]

Sorry to hear of others having the same problem. I just can't understand why exes try to make life so difficult. Surely if you agree you will break up then you facilitate the easiest way out of it for everyone. My ExH definitely had deranged thinking. I would have loved to have just left the house and let him get on with it. I would have left the lot behind just to get away. But only my name was on the mortgage and he would not have taken the mortgage on. He would have just stayed there and refuse to move or pay - and I would have ended up continuing to pay the mortgage.
Actually got divorced really quickly - but the finances took almost another two years after the divorce. Though it has been soul destroying to have it go on so long I think the length of time to bring him to an FDR really helped my case. He showed his true colours, behaved badly in the legal system at each court date, refused to pay child support, lied transparently about his income, ran up debts living the high life and the judge at the FDR didn't believe much of what he said. It must have helped my case. I certainly found it cathartic that he was recognised to be a liar and a parasite.