Some cheering up needed here, desperate to start TTC but circumstances conspiring against us....(long)

[LittleMyDancing]

So....have posted on this before but could do with some MN style support again....Not sure if it should be in this topic or miscarriage, to be honest, but hey ho.

We lost our second son at 20 weeks in Feb (very severe heart defect, we reluctantly went for a termination) and unfortunately I was on a fixed term contract at work (maternity cover) which ended in March and wasn't renewed. I knew it wouldn't be renewed, but as the baby was due in June that wasn't going to be a problem.

Now we find ourselves with no baby and I don't have a job, and we can't afford for me not to be working when we have another DC. (I know I could get MA but don't know how we'd survive the 9 months of pregnancy with me out of work - only have enough money to last until Sep.)

Have been looking for a job since March with no luck yet, but I'm feeling really frustrated because even when I get one, which doesn't seem to be happening, I feel I ought to wait a bit to settle into the job before TTC number 3. So I feel like the next baby is ages and ages and ages away, and I'm terrified that by the time we try I'll be too old (I'm 34) and it won't work....

And of my two friends who were also due in June, one has had her baby, the other one is about to....and I ran into another girl from my antenatal class today who announced that they're having another one in November....and I just wanted to cry when she told me. And then she said 'You look well, have you lost weight, you look much thinner' and I wanted to scream 'That's because last time you saw me I'd just lost a 20 week baby, you stupid woman!'

I know she didn't mean to be insensitive.

And DH is still grieving and I don't think he wants to TTC yet even if we could afford it, because he thinks I need to start working again to get myself back onto an even keel mentally, which is probably true.

And now we've booked to go on holiday in July with some friends who had their second DC in March, and I'm starting to wonder if it's a good idea, if just seeing pregnant people makes me feel like this.

Someone wave a magic wand and make it ok for us to start TTC right now, please! I just want to get on with it....

[fruitymum]

If I had a wand I would wave it for you!
Poor thing, you are still grieving ther babe you lost so give yourself a bit of a break .

[LittleMyDancing]

Thanks fruitymum - I know that's true but I just feel so frustrated that we can't do anything about another one yet. I keep working out how old DS will be by the time we have another one assuming I get a job soon, and for some reason I'm obsessed with there not being too much gap between them.

Not sure why.

Just wish I could stop feeling like crying all the time, and the fecking snails have eaten all my sunflowers and radish plants and it just all seems like too much.

[cadelaide]

Oh LMD, you must be so sad.

I have no experience except that I know that at 34 you are still young and have time on your side.

[LittleMyDancing]

And I feel really resentful that DH doesn't earn enough to make it possible for me to be a SAHM which is really unfair and also not really true.

We could just live if I was a SAHM if we took DS out of nursery (he does three days) and we lived really frugally, but neither of us thinks that would be best for the family.

[cadelaide]

LMD, i had 2 (early) mcs after DC2, and I ended up having DC3 at 41 with a 5-year gap between him and DC2.

It's worked brilliantly.

To lose a LO at 20 weeks pg must be awful, of course you want to cry all the time.

And as for the snails, well they are indeed total fuckers.

[LittleMyDancing]

that's good to know cadelaide and I'm really glad you got your DC3 after all that heartache - I don't know why the age gap thing is such an obsession for me. I think because we were all three years apart in our family (theres 5 of us) I feel this is the optimum gap!

[LittleMyDancing]

bump

[LittleMyDancing]

come on, someone say something nice....or at least tell me how to eradicate snails...

[LittleMyDancing]

ok then, shall have to go and unload dishwasher and hang out washing. you've forced me into it.

[LittleMyDancing]

seriously though, am tempted just to throw caution to the winds and get pg anyway.....we'd manage somehow.

wouldn't we?

[Singingintherain]

I am so sorry for you. I am 35 with 2 dd and just gone through 2 mc's. One in November 15 weeks with brain damage and the other in March at 8 weeks did not start off in the first place.

I had my first when I was 21'ish. Just before I found out I lost my job, signed for my house and I was getting married in four months time and my DH was doing a degree. We had no money, but looked at everything we could to manage. I went temping and they kep me on until I gave birth and I cheered myself up buying a Wedding dress with my mother. (I already bought one just before I found out and could not take it back, but I bought it on my own).

My family really tried and in the end I managed. I had my second again whilst temping as I knew that I could work when I felt like it. I know this is a situation personal to me and I do not expect everyone to be able to be the same, but I felt in control.

I am now ttc again and part way through waiting to find out if I am +++. I thought it was too late, but the Doctor told me here that he was not worried about my age and that I should only worry when I get to 43.

We all think we may not manage, and I know it is easy to say you will. But, there must be something that tells you carry on ttc.

I wish I could offer more help, but you have to decide what you really want and hope.

[LittleMyDancing]

Thanks Singingintherain, sounds like you are having such a tough time - so sorry about your 2 mc's

I know we'd manage somehow, of course we would, because we'd have to, but it seems somehow rash to deliberately put ourselves into that position, iyswim. And I don't think DP would be happy....

am feeling a bit better as I just picked DS up from nursery and he told me he was very happy and gave me a cuddle

[cadelaide]

"seriously though, am tempted just to throw caution to the winds and get pg anyway.....we'd manage somehow.

wouldn't we?"

You said it LMD, and I believe it.

[LittleMyDancing]

what do you believe? that we'd manage?

I do too....

now how do I persuade DP?

[LittleMyDancing]

bump for you lovely evening ladies - say cheering things to me, DP is away until Thursday night so it's just me and a glass of vino....

[NorthernLurker]

Hi Littlemy
I think you would manage ok - but I also think it's important to consider why dp doesn't want to try and for you to tell him exactly why you do. Your sons due date is a big deal isn't it - for both of you - and you will both be reacting to it in different ways. In your shoes I would want to ttc asap as well. Not to generalise too much but I think men do react to this situation in a very different way. They are often all about minimising pain, not risking our hearts again too quickly whereas I think most women are more about knowing the risk of heartache and braving it because what we want is worth so much more.
Take care and good luck with this whatever you decide

[cadelaide]

Yes LMD, I meant you'd manage.

Northern says some good stuff too, though.

[LittleMyDancing]

Hello NorthernLurker - you always talk a lot of sense! I know really that just throwing caution to the winds isn't an option, and you're right, Daniel's due date approaching is affecting us both in different ways.

I just feel so frustrated and sad and angry that not only did we lose our son, but now I have to WAIT (not something I'm good at) before I can do the thing I instinctively feel would make me feel better.

It's like I'm stuck in this limbo until I get a job, and I only want a job so I can have another baby, which is a rubbish thing to do to an employer.

Think DP would really like me to start being my 'normal' self again before he'll consider another baby, while I feel that another baby is what would help me get back to that 'normal' self.

Sigh.

[LittleMyDancing]

ps can you see pics of DS on my profile? have uploaded for first time and not sur if it's worked.

[NorthernLurker]

Is 'normal' really an option though? What happened to you and to Daniel has changed you all - you can't go back much as we would all want to. I think your only route is to go forward to a new normal - perhaps you need to say to dp that your future may or not involve a job in the short or long term but you definately want it to involve another child so together you need to make making that happen your priority. It's not a rubbish thing to do to an employer either - we all live in the grown up real world and in the real world adult women have children and go back to work. They just need to suck it up!

Do you mind me asking - what day was Daniel's due date - i would like to be thinking of you all then and praying for a peaceful day for you.

[NorthernLurker]

I can see the pics - what a gorgeous wee boy!

[LittleMyDancing]

You're right, there is no such thing as normal any more, we have to just keep going forward as best we can. I think it's just one of those awful things about grief, that just when you think you are moving forward, something hurls you back a few steps.

and thank you very much for asking - his due date was 19th June. I found myself worrying about whether I would be more upset if noone remembered, or if people did and wanted to talk to me about it, so it would be lovely to know something was quietly thinking of us.

thank you x

[LittleMyDancing]

As for DS - we're very proud of him, and he keeps me sane! His latest interest is happiness - he walked home from nursery saying 'DS is happy, Daddy is happy, Mummy is happy, Bunny is happy, the cars are happy, the road is happy' etc etc

Can't help but smile, can you?

[NorthernLurker]

His interest is happiness! How wonderful - that is so sweet!
I think you are doing really well btw. Will think of you all on the 19th.

[LittleMyDancing]

I meant someone thinking of us, not something - oops!

I don't think you're a thing....

thanks again, Northern, you're lovely. x