Can't move on from CS

[loucee]

I realise it's still early days but I had a crash section 4.5 wks ago. I am really depressed about it. I am grateful they got him out and that he is here with us. I thought that would help me deal with the section but 4.5 wks on I am feeling really down about it and I don't know who to talk to about it.

Should I go to the Doctor? I fully understand the circumstances surrounding DS's birth (I wasn't in labour but had a huge pain so went to hospital at 40+6 to get checked over and the monitors showed DS's heartrate was so unstable I had a GA and they got him out immediately).
I still feel shocked, I wasn't mentally prepared for it, I am sad I couldn't see my DS for 7 hours after his arrival.

I had an assisted vaginal birth with DD 2 yrs ago.
I get really upset looking at my scar, I feel almost violated - like Aliens abducted me or something. My insides hurt when I think of the DRs rummaging to get DS out.

Has anyone experienced anything like this? Does it fade with time?

I feel a failure that my body couldn't keep DS safe until he was ready to come out, what did I do wrong?

[whomovedmychocolate]

You need to talk through what happened, with your notes there - so you understand and can ask questions. You did nothing wrong. Childbirth is still a risky, random business sometimes. You did exactly the right things to protect your son and yourself.

Does your hospital offer a birth afterthoughts service. I went to see mine after a traumatic birth and it really helped. I went through my notes with a senior midwife and actually reading them helped me see the progress of events and just to have the chance to say 'that bit was horrible, I wish that hadn't happened' or 'I didn't understand why that happened' and have it explained really helped me.

Time won't fix this, information might help though.

BTW you will feel physically better soon and this will help a bit.

[loucee]

Thanks WMMC, I don't think there is anything to know about the delivery. The consultant came to my bed in recovery afterwards and confirmed that DS was ok and the placenta wasn't ruptured (one of the initial concerns for the cause of the pain I had). He showed me the print out of the CTG monitors with DS's heartrate and why he felt he did get DS out in time and that had we waited they might've been too late.

It just seems a whole pot of unknowns. I appreciate it's hard to say exactly what was wrong etc but I do feel like I was punched in the face then sewn all up and sent on my way and I haven't come to terms with it properly.

Did you have a CS?

I probably just need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I love DS to bits and am so lucky to have him.

[kindersurprise]

I had a similar experience, although it was not as long before I was able to see DS.

I felt the same, upset, bruised, traumatised, I missed the wonderful moment of his birth. It still makes me cry to think about it. And the thought that DH was left alone and confused in the labour suite when I was rushed off to theatre. He said later that it was the worst hour of his life. At least I was unconcious.

That was 3.5 years ago. It took me a while to come to terms with the "loss" (if you can call it that)

If your hospital offers the councilling service then that might help. Mine didn't, or I did not know to ask at the time.

Give yourself time to get over it, not just physically, but emotionally.

[whomovedmychocolate]

I did - I had an emergency caesarian (not crash) with pre-eclampsia - they tried and failed to induce me.

I don't think you are feeling sorry for yourself, I felt hideously violated and angry for months after I had DD. I also felt like I'd failed to deliver my baby and after I'd worked myself up so much to have a natural birth I just didn't understand why it all went so wrong!

The point is, in your case you sort of need to know what happened - if nothing else for further children - what is your gut feeling on what went wrong?

Of course you love your son. But you've had a massive shock and that is going to knock you for six. Plus you are recovering from unexpected major surgery. I'll bet you don't know which ends up at the minute - you are behaving entirely rationally and you'd be weird if you weren't upset by all this.

[EffiePerine]

Don't dismiss your feelings, you had an extremely stressful experience and it's not surprising that you feel sad about it.

What about contacting these people?

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/

I think going back and asking for your notes and talking it through with medical staff would be a good diea as well.

[ViolentFemme]

[EffiePerine]

more info on getting hold of your notes

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/publications/Maternity_Records_Your_Rights.pdf

[kindersurprise]

Oh, and although I am glad that I had a normal birth with DD 2 years previous to my CS, it did emphasise the differences.

With DD I was up and about, able to take care of her right from the start. I went home after 3 days and went out for a stroll a day or two later.

After the section, I could not even sit up unaided for days. I went home after 5 days, and did not go out of the house for days after that.

Yuu are not feeling sorry for yourself, I have heard of many women feeling conflicted and upset by emergency CS.

BTW, what is the difference between a crash and an emergency section? Is it the GA?

[tori32]

Oh sweetheart, I really feel for you. You have had a rough time, but honestly, IME it does get better.

I would talk to your health visitor about how you feel. You can also usually get counselling through the midwifery service for traumatic births. I think it may help for you to talk to the consultant in charge of your care to piece the missing parts of the delivery together and the reasons for the problems.

I understand your feelings. I also ended up with a GA and remember thinking that the little girl they gave me could be anyones because I didn't see her being born and DH had the first skin to skin contact.

I didn't talk about it for months after and ended up with PND for 9mths. My only advice is not to wait to tell someone how you feel.

DD is now 2 and there is no mistaking whose dd she is .

[amazonianwoman]

Loucee, sorry to hear about your experience

I had a crash section under GA with DD (1st baby) 3.5yrs ago for pretty much the same reasons - I had unbearable upper abdominal pain (suspected abrupted placenta) and DD's heartrate was rocketing, so she was whipped out within an hr of me being seen in hospital.

I too felt I'd missed out on the whole birth experience (had planned natural birth ), was devastated that DH and I couldn't share the experience, never truly understood what caused the pain, although was told that the cord (short) was wrapped round her middle and pulling - think I was told this just as I was coming round from GA so it didn't really register.

For me it did help reading through the notes when I was pg with DS 2.5yrs later - even tho' I knew most of the info it just seemed to clarify and rationalise it for me. And probably what helped most was having an emergency section with DS but being fully awake - again his heartrate was racing, labour wasn't progressing at all, he'd passed meconium etc etc - but at least I felt I'd had a kind of "birth experience".

This probably won't be much help if you aren't planning anymore, but I think the passage of time plus just seeing my 2 healthy children interacting so well just finally made me realise how lucky I am, and I could kind of put the horrible experience into perspective.

Definitely look into counselling if you can, I'm sure it will help.

And you are NOT a failure - you've produced a lovely little boy and your body did the right thing in telling you to go into hospital to get checked and get him out safely.

xxx

[tori32]

I also forgot to say how isolated I felt because of the section. Where I live I had to go up hill or down hill walking anywhere, so it was ages before I could get out with the pram and obviously wasn't able to drive. This made me feel very lonely. There are lots of complicated issues surrounding having a c section which people don't realise. You are definately not just feeling sorry for yourself. It takes time.

[ItsNeverTooEarlyForPopcorn]

That's very good advice from WhoMoved. Would a review of notes with a midwife help you deal with your birth experience?

You did nothing wrong and you just need help believing that.

[Lulumama]

you've had fantastic advice on this thread

first, let me reassure you that you did nothing wrong, nothing at all. none of this was your fault.

you must go through your notes with someone when you feel up to it , to get some answers.

crash sections are performed for very good reasons but you need to understand exactly what happened and why

also, your feelings are normal and valid. you are allowed to feel like this.

the BTA is a good starting point for help.

it is still early days yet, so you are still physically healing, as well as emotionally

be kind to yourself

[Sycamoretree]

Loucee - don't have time to write a great deal now, but I had very similar experience with first DD. Afterwards, I was so traumatised that I dreamt I had been "raped" by a man pursuing me, who wanted to put his hand into my c-section wound - hows that for literal? I was also exhausted to the point of waking sleep paralysis and slurred speech - couldn't fall asleep without my breathing becoming so shallow I thought I was suffocating and made my mother come over to watch me whilst I slept in lounge on camp bed - she on sofa, whilst DH was upstairs on baby watch. Felt huge guilt and disconnect from DD because somehow had let her down? . A very good friend sent and emotional freedom therapist round double {hmm}. Was hugely skeptical as had never had any type of therapy. Took four hours of tapping before I was eventual able to say the words "I completely and utterly accept myself". And all this from a previously very confident young lady. I think the trauma stuck for a good while, especially as I failed to BF as a result of trauma - but without this bit of therapy I would have been a lot worse. Feel birth of DS 5 months ago completed the healing process, although his was an enforced elective c-section - I was devasted at time as had been fighting so hard for a vbac, but babe so big and abnormal volume of amniotic fluid meant consultant not happy at all for me to go this way. Actually, it was all a breeze, and I don't feel like I've missed out on anything as was in control. It was also only in going to a diff hospital that I asked for my notes, and reading them through, cried and cried but realised how brave I had been and that I did the best and right thing for DD and let myself off the hook.

I echo everyone's thoughts that you should get your notes and read through when you feel able. Also write down all that happened and how you felt whilst it's still on the surface - it helps to get it out. The hardest thing is to get to a point of acceptance that this is yours and DS's birth story, and that it is an amazing celebration of both your strength and brilliance as partnership that you found the best way together to bring him into the world safely. Turn every negative thought on it's head and see if you can see it's opposite positive thought and repeat that one until it becomes lodged in your brain. You are amazing and brilliant and I TOTALLY sympathise.

[LiegeAndLief]

So sorry you're having a hard time Loucee. I had a cs with no labour at 34 weeks because of pre-eclampsia, ds went straight to SCBU. I felt much the same as you, was unprepared for cs (had wanted to give birth at home!), felt like I had let ds down, that I hadn't been able to keep him safe for long enough or push him out.. I became obsessed with it and thought about the birth or his first weeks in SCBU constantly. Foolishly I didn't tell anyone until he was 11 months old, when I confessed to dh, which helped. I also got mine and ds's notes from the hospital, although like you I knew what had happened - I found it very helpful to read them several times, in detail, so that I knew exactly what had happened to me and ds every step of the way. Another thing which helped was writing down how I felt at the time, although no one else ever read it. Ds is 17 months now and although it would have been nice if things had happened differently I feel completely at peace with it now.

Do hope you are able to come to terms with it - WMMC's suggestion of the birth afterthoughts service is very good. Of course you did nothing wrong, you did wonderfully making a whole new person and growing him for 40 weeks! And many congratulations on the birth of your ds

[loucee]

wow thank you ladies for all your lovely responses. You've made me feel a lot better even though I was in tears reading your replies. I'm sorry so many have gone through the traumtic birth but have felt the same too.

I'm just back from the Doctors. I have this pain in my left side but it's above my scar. When it gets really sore I have more lochia (which had stopped at 3wks). I think I panic that something has gone wrong internally and I will never be able to have any more babies.

Amazonianwoman your story sounds identical to mine except his cord was round his neck. The consultant said he wouldn't have thought this would have caused the trauma but are unsure.
I would like to have another one or two children in a few years time.

Kindersurprise the way you describe how you felt is how I feel as well. I don't think I have PND but I am very emotional about the delivery and the first two wks of DS's life. No idea about difference between crash and emergency - only reason I say Crash is because that's whats on my notes. Is it a labour thing? I didn't labour ??

WMMC yes I will ask to have a de-brief once things have calmed down a bit. I really would love to feel physically better then concentrate on sorting out the emotional side. It's nice that I am "allowed" to feel like this, not sure if anyone had seen my thread a while ago about the inlaws falling out with us just after DS's birth, so I don't really have anyone to put a loving arm round me and just hold me to tell me its all ok. DH is great but has been working long hours. I'll make sure we have a big cuddle tonight.

EP thanks for the links, I'll have a look now.

Sycamoretree, what an awful time you had after your CS. your breathing sounds horrific and you must've been scared to close your eyes. I'm thankful that the breastfeeding has been going ok otherwise I would be a shell.

Tori32 I think I feel that time heals and in some ways I just wish we could fast forward to 6/12 months time so that I'm far away from the birth. That's sad though, I want to enjoy DS's early weeks/months.

We've had a tough time as we were re-admitted to hospital after being home for 2 days as DS had suspected septacemia or meningitus. That was heart wrenching seeing him all hooked up to monitors and having all the tests (lumbar puncture etc). Thankfully the tests were negative and they are unsure what exactly he had but he had to received 10 days of 3 strong IV antibiotics so we've only been home for 2.5 wks.

[loucee]

WMMC sorry that doesn't read properly about me being "allowed". I mean that in a nice way, I feel guilty for having these feelings about DS's birth and feel a bit self indulgent. I get teary talking about it in RL so haven't mentioned how I feel to anyone except DH.

[amazonianwoman]

Consultant said same thing to me too, that cord wouldn't have caused trauma, but an experienced midwife (whom I respect) said that baby can sometimes have very short cord, which if wrapped around can cause the pain we experienced.

Crash vs emergency - crash is very urgent, no time to get epidural or spinal block in, real threat to mum or baby, hence GA. With my emergency I had time to have spinal block etc

[amazonianwoman]

Oh, and it is pretty much impossible to talk to anyone about it in RL if they haven't experienced it, only one person in 3.5yrs has said to me - oh how awful that you weren't awake to witness the birth. Everyone else says you are lucky that DD is healthy, which is obviously true but doesn't help the grief/alienation.

So I would definitely recommend counselling - wish I had done the same, but am OK about it now

[slim22]

Biiiiiiiiiiiiiig hugs.
Never had one and would really crush me I think.
I read a lot of testimonials like yours. Don't feel self indulgent. You DID experience a trauma.
Talk it through. Go to the library and get books about birthing. You'll see endless stories like yours. Read and weep and grieve.
Currently reading Birth (Tina Cassidy) - A history of birthing throughout the ages. Did you know that women were given chloroform and made to pass out for the doctors convenience?

I realize maybereading those stories would be too much for you right now, just thought they might will you understand and externalise your anger and heal.
I really don't expect GP to be any help so prepare yourself for that and demand help from your health visitor/baby clinic nurses.
It's very common to see undiagnosed PND in women who've gone through such an experience. Don't dismiss it. Get help.

Take care.

[Sycamoretree]

Yes, the counselling was vital for me. I also had cord issues - was wrapped around DD's legs 8 times and they also told me they had had to fracture her arm to get her out (they hadn't, an x-ray later revealled). I was lucky that I had laboured so had the epidural in and was (sort of) conscious for the birth. Still, was too weak to hold her and my memory is for first 12 hours she just lay next to me in her plastic box and because she wasn't crying and I felt so tired and numb I didn't pick her up. It honestly will take time - I would find the sadness coming over me suddenly even 12 months later, but time is the greatest healer, and you will eventually realise that you are completely blameless, and it was the best possible outcome. That's what I told myself in the end - thank god for my emergency c-section, otherwise DD and I might not be here - that's the way to look at it. Sending huge hugs and lots of support. It's true what amazonianwoman says - no one can know unless have experienced this when hoping for something so different.

[kindersurprise]

Goodness, Loucee, I have just found your IL thread. They sound absolutely barking. How on earth can they justify their behaviour? I do agree with the posters on that thread, that you should concentrate on your own little family for the time being. Your health and wellbeing is more important that the petty behaviour of your MIL.

Amazonian
Noone ever said that too me either. I have heard a lot of the "at least everything went well in the end" type of comments though. I know they mean well but it does set my teeth on edge.

Thanks for the clarification about crash vs emergency. I live in Germany and don't know some of the medical terms in English.

The urgency part was very traumatic for me. I can remember being scared and confused. They wheeled me into theater at a run, there were several people doing different things simultaneously, painting my bump, attaching monitors, laying cloths over me... I can remember thinking, "Gosh, just like on ER" (unfortunately without Dr Ross) I looked at the clock as they wheeled me out of the labour room. DS was born 7 minutes later. Incredible really.

[loucee]

AW yes, my firends have been lovely but everyone's response is the same - almost like sweep it under the carpet.

I'll talk to the HV when she visits next Wed about me wanting to go through what happened.

[kitstwins]

Hi there,

Coming to this one a bit late but I just wanted to sympathise and say that I think you're entirely normal for feeling how you are feeling.

I had a c-section under GA just over a year ago for the birth of my twins. I'd had a large bleed and neither epidurals worked (not sure why - just one of those things apparently, but it was a bit of shock when they started cutting and I could still feel it). They knocked me out with an anaesthetic, booted my husband out in the corridoor and proceeded to pull me apart. I woke up in agonising pain, spent all day vomiting and could only look at these two babies in total bewilderment. It was incredibly traumatic and it took me a long time to get over it. I got PND and, for the first few months after their birth, would look at my two, gorgeous and longed-for babies and just think "who are you?". I felt they could have been anybody's.

Everyone's reaction was the same - from friends and family to the doctors. Basically I was told I was lucky. I had two healthy babies "when lots of people never get that" and to "go home and enjoy my babies". It didn't help. A large dollop of guilt on top of the guilt I was already feeling and and the reinforcement of the idea that somehow, what I went through was insignificant.

I think not seeing your babies born has a huge impact. There's a reason why doctors don't recommend sections under GA unless absolutely necessary as it can be very traumatic for the mother. She gets put to sleep (usually in a huge panic and rush) and then wakes up to pain, confusion and a new baby. We're supposed to see our babies brought into the world and to be denied that can prove very distressing.

You've had a traumatic time and that needs to be acknowledged. I drifted on for a long time not saying what I felt and that just made things worse, but in the end I did the following and it got me back on track. It's still an ongoing process for me at the moment but I AM coming to terms with it all and I am making my peace with it.

• Write a birth story - a no hold's barred version with exactly what you felt and experienced in it. Don't hold back. Be honest. Mine took weeks to write as I kept going back to it and adding stuff, which in itself was really cathartic. You don't have to show it to anyone but I sent mine to a close girlfriend and asked her to read it. I really wanted someone to acknowledge that what I'd been through was really sh*t and, bless her, she did. She read it and said the right things and it really helped to know that someone knew what I'd REALLY gone through that day.

• Get your hospital notes. The Birth Trauma Association has a section on how to apply for your hospital notes. You're fully entitled to them, although you may have to pay a copying fee if it's after a certain amount of time. You can look through your notes and: -

• Talk through your notes with a professional. I'm just about to do this - the Head of Midwifery and the Anaethetist at my hospital. I'd like them to talk through what happened to me as I think it will really help to fill in the blanks. Even the irrelevant details will help as they give me a picture of what happened when my babies were born. I can never experience it but I can learn more about it. Your hospital should have a PALS (patient liaison service) who will arrange all this for you.

Finally, don't feel guilty for feeling this way. You are entirely normal and I think you'd be odd if you DIDN'T feel a bit shell shocked by what happened to you. It took me a long time to realise that my feelings about the birth were nothing to do with my love for my daughters - I love them to the ends of the earth - the two are totally separate. And what is more, what happened that days is nothing to do with how I am as a mother. It was just bad luck and 'my day'.

Good luck moving forward.
Kx

[eleusis]

I think you should pat yourself on the back for being wise enug to go to hospital when you had the pain at 40 +6. You probably saved your son's life with that decision.

Having babies IS risky business. It always has been. You can stop that. But you did manage to make the right decision when things mattered.

I personally think women shouldn't be told to have faith in their baodies and everything with happen naturally. It sets an unrealistic expectation. And when it does go to plan then mums feel bad about. I' say you did a fab job and you should be proud.

Emergency sections are no walk in the park and you did a fantastic job.

But, as you do obviously feel very bad, I think it would be wise to talk to someone about it. Have you mentioned it to your GP? Could there be some PND / hormaonal craziness playing a role here too, making things worse?

Now give yourself that pat on the back, look in the mirror, and say outloud "I am a wise and wonderful mum"