lilimama's birth story - traumatised and need help with this one, sorry it's long.

[lilimama]

DS, Joshua born 03 Jan is asleep so stealing a few moments to write long overdue tale....will try not to make it too long. But long is what it is, far too long and I'm still trying to find a way to deal with what happenned, why and how to move beyond trauma into acceptance and healing.

Long 2 week pre labour, cramps, slowly leaking water, period pains intensifying each day all the signs. Went 4 days over due date and on NY Eve had a bloody show, and contractions which were the start of things without a doubt (was standing in supermarket at the time). Went home, having prepared for a home water birth and spent the next 15 hours timing contractions, dancing, using ball, meditating, breathing etc. Every couple of hours there was a gap in regular contractions but cx very powerful and continuous bloody show. New Years Eve celebrations going on around us I thought it was a stalled labour due to intrusions of noise, mother phoning and DP telling her I was in labour (damn) etc. CX picked up again at 0900 (still no sleep) with slamming force and MW came out, examined me and said I was only 2 cm dilated and went away again. She said was still in pre labour. DH and I spent couple of hours up with cx then went to bed. Slept for a couple of hours and awoke on other side of room with intense contractions. Got up and spent next 20 hours with contractions becoming regular. DP went to bed and I spent the night up, dozing between contractions til every 4 mins regular. Called MW, who came and confirmed established labour had begun and felt everything to be very soft inside and 5 - 6 cm dilated. by now was 02 January and hadn't had much food as lost appetite completely, had vomited a couple of times and not much sleep for two/three days. Spent further 15 hours at home labouring intensely and traversing the terrain from yelling, and groaning with cx to realising that I wanted to stay out of hospital totally exhausted I would have to find something really special in my reserves to get through the pain/exhaustion calmly. got in shower and talked to body and baby and god (no not religious but definately on the spiritual side). Spent next 9 hours contracting silently, breathing through cx and feeling able to manage pain and staying positive. got in water and dozed between cx.
The certainty that I was going to be able to birth my baby at home naturally and without pain relief was starting to evade me and I talked to independent very naturally orientated water birth specialist MW from the Ina May school (I'm in Holland) about my options. We talked for an hour and decided on hospital as she felt sure that an hour of Oxytocin drip would deliver the baby. 8 hours later at hospital, after 2 hours of being fully dilated, still dancing through contractions and using birth ball, still no pain relief (no anestheologist) I started pushing. Pushed for 2.5 hours with DP, MW and birthing stool (too exhausted to stand or squat at this point) nothing happenning. Was examined after an hour, some progress but slow. Asked to be left alone, was contracting continously, and stayed alone, praying to god to let this baby come, managed to get into deep squat but could feel that head wasn't coming. Started to lose it when DP came in and started sobbing uncontrollably, Gynaecologist came back and examined me and said some progress but head still only 2/5 engaged, would take several hours more and recommended a CS. Was a total state by this point, and DP emploring me to agree to the CS immediately. Had held off for so long as encouraged by everyone to do so and saw myself that baby was not distressed throughout the process, heart beat regular. My profession and entire life are about natural health, alignment, cranio sacral etc etc. Couldn't believe this was happening. Agreed to CS, not much choice was already half way to theatre. Gynae couldn't get baby out during CS, three people had to thump me really head on chest and abdomen (is that normal, perhaps it is) which winded me and made me vomit endlessly. Was crying so hard and DP too, though he was wonderfully supportive and my lifeline. Lovely Joshua born and I was happy and relieved and utterly delighted. He was on the breast feeding like a little monster within an hour and a half.
Have been trying to deal with all of this for the last two weeks, feeling extremely traumatised, physically, emotionally, had really desperate dark days and don't know why it all happened the way it did.

Can anyone shed any light? Lulumama, Mars? I really need to move on -still very much want more children thank god but feel like a body full of holes and trauma, no matter how positive I remain.

Love my little boy so much. It was all worth it.

But what happened and why and how do I get over this and into feeling light and happy again?

thanks

lili.
x

[chrissnow]

No advice, but I had a very similar experience first time round. All I can say is time heals, talking about it on here helps and there is an organistion for birth trauma (someone should guide you to it). I cried for days at not being able to birth my baby like a woman should be able to and bf went horribly wrong which didn't help. I think what helped me in the end was dd2 was born 13 months later and I did it naturally in 7 hours - easy as pie!!! (not that I'm recommending you have another just for that reason!!)
Hope someone better informed comes along soon.

[spugs]

sorry to hear you had such an awful experiance, hope someone knowlagable comes along soon.

[TigerFeet]

I don't have much experience or knowledge but I think you need more time to recover both physically and emotionally.

It is still all so new and you must still be sore from the c/section.

Give yourself time and things will hopefully fade.

All the best, and huge congratulations on the birth of your ds

[SoupDragon]

[[http://www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/ Birth Trauma Association] is a UK organisation but the website might help.

Generally, time is a great healer though.

[SoupDragon]

link

[katwith3kittens]

I read your post and had to say something even though I have no words of wisdom to offer you.

You have achieved a most wonderful thing ... you have become a mother to a beautiful new baby.

OK .... so it didn't go exactly as you planned, but the outcome is the same and nobody can ever take that away from you. You did it !

Step away from the PC and go and watch that little one sleeping. You deserve it.

Love to you both

[kindersurprise]

Oh, Lili, I remember your birth thread, and have been watching for your birth announcement. I was worried that something like this might have happened.

I know what it is like to have an emergency CS, although in my situation it was down to the midwife's incompetance (imo). In my case, I suspect that my body is incapable of "normal contractions" as both my labours had to be induced and I needed to be pushed all the way. With DS the midwife kept upping the dose and it all went too fast. DS heartbeat was dipping and they had to get him out fast, under GA.

Tbh, it took me a long time to come to terms with the birth experience. It was so traumatic, the worry about the baby, scared for myself, worry about my DD and DH at home. I talked it over with my mum but did not have any professional help. I do feel that I would have benefited from that.

It is difficult, because so many people say, "as long as DS got out ok and is healthy" and cannot see why you should have a problem.

I had dreams/nightmares for a while, but they faded as time went on. After some time, the wounds began to heal (not just the physical ones) and I came to terms with it.

I was blessed with a long but lovely birth with DD before I had DS. Just after I had DS I said that I would never have another child because of the birth experience. Now, 3.5 years later, I think I could cope with it.

Do you have someone in RL that you can talk to? Any friends close by?

Give yourself time, talk it over with someone, and spend lots of time cuddling your little Joshua. Congratulations on the birth of your lovely son.

[Squiffy]

I just wish people were more open about what really happens, otherwise people can go into the whole experience like I did, expecting a calm waterbirth with hypnotherapy or whatever, and you end up totally crushed when things go wrong.

Lillimama I soooo understand where you are coming from - I had a dreadful dreadful experience first time round and I was very traumatised afterwards - and no-on in RL seemed to understand - everyone kept saying that mum & baby are fine so time to 'move on'. It is very difficult to explain how truly stressed you are. Especially if you are a nutter like me with a dreamy idea (fully supported by NCT nutters) that you are strong enough to dictate/control/plan for the event.

It will fade, I promise. Just keep on posting here and others will share their thoughts and

[ILikeToMoveItMoveIt]

Lilimama - I am so relieved to see you here, I have been thinking about you since the New Year. Congratulations on the arrival of Joshua.

I had much the same experience as you and can honestly say that time is a great healer.

Straight after the birth of ds I had overwhelming and conflicting feelings of, thank god we are both well, and being so upset that I didn't have the natural hb I wanted.

I was angry with myself for 'giving in' and transferring to hospital, and the further interventions that happened. However I have come to terms with the decision we made to consent to a cs, as we made the best decision with the information we were given by the hospital at the time.

You are not a failure, my god when you say how long you were in labour for I totally applaud you!

Once a bit of time has passed you will realise and may come to terms with what has happened. Both you and your ds are well, and from now on that is what matters.

Post on here whenever you are feeling blue about it, there are plenty of people who have been in the same position as you and who can help talk things through with you.

[dillinger]

I was traumatised after giving birth to my son, it was very long and I ended up being transferred into hosp whereas Id had my heart set on a homebirth etc. I felt like a failure and I felt violated. Like all these things were just 'done' to me.

It all didnt actually affect me until ds was a good 8 months old or so. I ended up with pnd, so firstly I want to say that youve done the best thing already by recognising how you feel. Women are always told things like 'well the babys ok, thats the main thing' and suchlike, and whilst I understand those comments are meant in the best way possible they dont help with how you feel (didnt with me anyway.) Of course you feel grateful for the help etc but the feeling that you just have to then 'get on with it' is very difficult. I know it upset me for months and months, and I felt in the wrong for feeling as I did - 'myself and baby were ok so why couldnt I just get over myself and be happy?'

My health visitor was wonderful and arranged for me to meet up with someone from the hospital who brought me a copy of my notes to keep and went through them with me, explaining why things happened as they did etc. It did help, but it took time. Its still such early days for you and youre tired. You have to give yourself time, and learn to accept what happened. You cant change what happened but you can stop beating yourself up about it. You gave it a brilliant go, and did amazingly well. You should try and be proud of your achievement. Even though things didnt go as you planned you still achieved a great deal.

I wish you all the best xx

[dillinger]

And Congratulations!! (Duh my preg brain)

[BumperliciousIsOneHotMother]

Wow lili - you deserve a medal!

It's so difficult, there are (loosely) two camps, the "something might go wrong, I'm going to take all the drugs I can get" camp and the "women have been doing this for years, if you have the right frame of mind it can be a wonderful experience" camp. I was in the second before my labour, I read Sheila Kitzenger, Janet Balaskas etc. and was very "birth is empowering, I'm going to do it my way and I might actually enjoy this" and I didn't. I hated it. My labour was the opposite of yours really, quick, MWs didn't realise how close I was to giving birth until the last minute, just G & A, but I really hated it, the pain, the exhaustion, the pressure, and the feeling of giving birth. And I was so disappointed and traumatised.

While I think it's great that there is this attitude of birth being an empowering experience, if you are positive about it it will be brilliant etc. it just made me feel that I must have done something wrong, I didn't try hard enough, I wasn't mentally prepared enough. I don't know what the solution is, I wish I did. It's difficult when you have so many expectations about what you want to happen, but then if you dodn't have the expectations, frame of mind etc. would it be even worse?

I'm so sorry you didn't have the birth you wanted. You went through the mill, it's going to take a long time to recover physically and mentally. Don't let anyone belittle how you feel, or say never mind, just enjoy your DC. You need to address this, but maybe the short-term solution is to rest, enjoy your DC for a while and then revisit your experience when your mind is a bit clearer and less encumbered by the trials of having a new born baby

[DiamandaGalas]

Lilimama,

So sorry to read your story.

I did also have the shocking surprise of having a horrific lengthy birth. Our plans were to have our little baba at home wihtout any intervention. After a whole week with contractions and me exhausted, together we my midwidfe we decided to go to hospitals as I had already broke my waters. After arriving to hospital it took a further 2 days to give birth, witouth eating, which left me exhausted. After 3 hours pushing I was told by a consultant that they were going to perform a cesarean which I refused as baby wasn;t in distress. I gave birth almost straight away with a 4th degree tear!

After 3 days in hospital suffering form exhaustion, NO SLEEP, went home adn developed mastitis which crushed me as I just couldn't cope with breastfeeding my little one.

The whole birthing weeks went trough my mind every minute of my life for 3 months. I wasn't able to look at my birhthing notes out of terror. My 4th degree tear got infected and had to take bucket loads of antibiotics. It was just during a visit to a consultant to check on my 4th degree tear that i was ready to look at all the notes from my birth. It really helped me to talk for an hour with a beautiful consultant that took the time to give me detailed explanations and also said that my 4th degree tear had cured very nicely.

My suggestion to you would be to keep talking to your partner, your midwife, go back to hospital and check all your notes but all on your own time. You are not alone.

A super kiss to you!

[Flllightattendant]

God, god, god what an ordeal, I am feeling very shocked at your story Lilimama.

I'm not much help but wanted to bump it up for you in case Lulu is about. She is full of wisdom about difficult births.

Wish I could help more xxxxx

Congratulations, for your beautiful son

There will be a way through these dark times, I know that. It will take time, but don't lose faith.

[crumpet]

lilimama, have you been given any reason for the lack of progress (eg breech)? You don't mention anything in your post, but if you don't yet have all the information as to why the birth went as it did then this may be a barrier to your moving forwards.

Whilst I can understand your wanting to have had a natural birth (didn't happen for me either), what I find a sort of acceptance in is knowing that at no point in history have 100% of women giving birth with no problems, and that medical intervention can be a good thing if without it you or the baby may have been in danger. If you hadn't lived in this day and age then you may not be as fortunate as you are now. I had the waterpool etc all ready at home but for me it was just not meant to be, despite all my reading of Ina May and mental preparation.

[Lulumama]

sweetheart

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

got to go out now, but have had a quick scan of yours story

you need to go through your notes with someone specialised and find out why this happend, your c.s sounds violent and traumatic

in my non medical opinion, sounds like baby got himself into a bad position somehow, deep transverse arrest it might be called...but i might be wrong..

in a way it is immaterial as whatever happened, you are feeling sad, and traumatised

what you need is someone to listen and give you unequivacol support

the birth trauma association has already been linked to, do thikn about contacting them

and seeing a MW who was involved in the birth and talking it thorugh with them would be a huge benefit

so sorry you are feeling like this

it is NORMAL and VALID and ACCEPTABLE to feel like this after a traumatic birth

of course you are grateful for your son Joshua's safe arrival,but that does not take away from the fact you feel like this

will be back later

be kind to yourself xxxxxxxxxxxx

[Highlander]

I think the big problem you're having is that the hospital birth/CS is poles apart from your general ethos for life?

Sadly, as women we are never closer to death and disablement than when we are pregnant and giving birth. So much is made of a 'whalesong birth', that we are led to believe that anything else is a tragedy. The real tragedy is the 1 in 8 women in Sierra Leone who die giving birth in the manner you, and millions of other women, aimed for.

Medical intervention saved your life, and that of your gorgeous son. You did not fail, or do anything wrong. It's a complete lottery how a birth will go, despite what the whalesong brigade will tell you. Sure some women, like my sister, breeze through it. It's luck - and you were damn unlucky.

Speak to your maternity unit's reflection service. Don't blame yourself.

Next time, not only will you and your baby be lucky enough to get through the birth alive............... you'll hopefully get the birth experience you dream of. Good Luck

[dizietsma]

I'm sorry you had such a tough labour, it sounds like you really had a very tough one (((HUGS)))

I only had a 37 hour labour and it was so utterly exhausting and dispiriting I cannot imagine how strong you must be to keep trying and trying for so long- respect lili!

Do contact the birth trauma association, you're not alone in your experience, and they'll be able to help you talk through this experience and hopefully recover from it.

Keep posting about your feelings here if you find it helps, although I know that with a newborn it can be a pretty impossible task to get any time online! There are lots of women here who have been where you are and can really understand where you're comng from.

Most importantly, congratulations on the birth of your son, how lucky he is to have such a strong, loving mama.

[Pruners]

Message withdrawn

[happynappies]

Lilimama - you poor thing. Congratulations on the arrival of Joshua, but so so sorry to hear that you are so tortured by what you have been through.

I know from my own experience that medical intervention can be terrifying, and we are left with this feeling that we should be grateful - all's well that ends well. I posted on here a few days ago as its been 14 months since my dd was born, and I really do want more children but am terrified by what happened when I was in hospital and it doesn't sound anywhere near as scary as your ordeal. I remember that I hadn't slept for 3 nights, and after dd was born I was lying in my bed on the ward with adrenalin pumping around my body shaking and terrified. The curtain was drawn around me, and my dd was crying and I knew I had to feed her. The mw who had delivered my dd came to see me on her way home after she'd finished her shift, and I was shaking with fear and couldn't stop crying. Mw after mw came to me that day - and they couldn't understand what was wrong with me - I had a beautiful, healthy baby daughter - picture of perfection. I just felt - and I remember the word that was going through my mind at the time - "brutalised". I know that might sound strong given that terrible things happen all over the world, and in essence I was ok, but I really had no idea things would be so hard. I expected labour to be 'hard work' and for it to hurt, and for the pain to be intense, and for me to feel tired, but the lack of food and sleep coupled with the pain and the drugs and the episiotomy and haemorrhage etc - I felt like a rung out cloth. Several days later when I'd been transferred back to the midwife led unit where my labour story started I saw a woman walking through the doors of my ward one morning having just given birth. She looked tired, but happy and healthy, and she walked by herself over to the bed, hopped on, then sat writing her diary while her baby slept. I contrasted that with how I'd been wheel-chaired into the shower and had slumped in the corner of the shower unable to stand while a nurse handed soap through the shower curtain and I tried my best to wash, then slumped back into the wheelchair with my catheter bag trailing behind me, unable to stand or walk... I looked at that woman and felt cheated out of a normal birth. By normal I don't mean pain-free or whalesounds or whatever - just normal as in able to hold my baby afterwards, able to stand/lie in comfort, able to go a day without sobbing uncontrollably... I don't even remember the moment when they said it was a baby girl - I was terrified beyond belief and don't know whether it was the drugs, or the fact that I've blocked it out. I don't believe that hospitals should mean terror. I've read threads about people who have given birth in hospital - how great the tea and toast was afterwards etc - and can't believe how different their stories seem. I don't think it was the fact that you had a CS in hospital which was different to what you had planned, I think it was the manner in which you were treated and how it made you feel. I totally feel for you. There is hope - but I think you need to talk to someone. I found that I wanted to talk about my birth non-stop, but within a few days nobody really wanted to listen to me anymore. Their attitude was "Oh well, its all over now - and you're ok and dd is ok!" and I couldn't stand their bright and breezy chirpy cheery attitude. Even my DH who was amazing throughout got a bit tired of hearing me go through every little memory. Having posted on here and received the suggestion to try the birth trauma organisations for help I am definately going to make the call and try to go through my birth story with someone who can help me move on. I urge you to do the same. I'm sorry this is really long and waffley - I just hope that somewhere in here you read something that might help a little - and I wish you and Joshua all the love and happiness in the world. Take care of yourself x

[yurt1]

NO advice, but yes it is normal to be thumped during a c-section. I've had 3 (one after a long labour, one after a medium length labour and one elective). I was thumped during all 3 and did end up with bruising to my stomach.

Have you spoken to the birth crisis line?

[yurt1]

birth crisis

[Mintpurple]

Hi Lilimama - sorry to hear about your labour, it truly sounds like a shocker

Theres already a lot of good advice and support here, you really do need some time to heal and voice your feelings to someone who will be supportive. Mn is a good start.

Obviously I cant tell you why your baby didnt descend, Lulu is probably right in the deep transverse arrest scenario, or baby has possibly got into one of many awkward positions which make descent difficult, such as deflexed or OP or even brow presentation. That would tally with the long latent phase. Or this baby might have been just too big for your pelvis. You might get a clue if you look at your notes with someone from the hospital and if you think that you would find that comforting then do it soon, or it may make you upset as another poster suggested, in which case leave it for a while.

As for the 'punching' in the chest, during a c/s they push hard from the top of the abdo to try to squeeze baby out of the incision in the uterus, if the baby is a bit big or the incision a bit small, they have to shove really hard, thats what you felt. Normal but not very nice. Actually c/s are really quite brutal to watch from the other end, no wonder people are sore afterwards. The vomiting was probably caused by the drugs that the anaesthetist gave you to contract the uterus, given as baby is coming out, normally syntocinon, which is fairly mild, but if you have had a long labour (and they dont get much longer than yours!) they can give some ergometrine or similar, which can make you violently sick.

I sometimes see posters write that everyone can birth a baby naturally, given the right environment, frame of mind and support etc, but it it so wrong and so undermining to say things like this on here where many people are in the same situation to yourself, have given it everything and still the baby has not birthed naturally. Without the intervention that you had, you and baby probably would not be here today, so what happened this time was necessary and unavoidable.

Whatever, you know you gave it your best shot and did not give up, so be proud of yourself for that. You have had a beautiful baby, and both of you are healthy, which is a fantastic outcome.

[whomovedmychocolate]

Lilimama - congratulations on the birth of your son. Let's be clear on this you gave birth, you laboured (for an astonishingly long time) and you produced a beautiful boy. He may have been pulled roughly out of you, but you were the person who made that little boy come into the world and that's very, very special.

I had a totally horrible birth and after the sorrow, was angry for a very long time. I'm not angry now. It was a horrible thing that happened and knowing now what I do, I would have handled things differently.

You however had the information but things were beyond your control. That is no fault of yours.

You need information you need to find out what happened and why the doctors took the actions they did.

It will take time but you will heal from this - you did the right thing and you should genuinely be proud of yourself.

[maxbear]

You did amazingly well to keep going and to remain positive as long as you did. Although it is a shame that you had a caesarian it sounds like it was really the only option. At least you don't need to think, what if I had tried a few more hours, some different positions etc. You tried everything and it was not meant to be, this time. Focus on the way you coped during the long labour and the fact that you were well supported during that time, and of course your gorgeous little boy. Congratulations. Hope you manage to get over the horrible trauma soon. xx