At a loss for how to have this baby (very long, sorry)

[DivaSkyChick]

I have read the Thinking Woman?s Guide to a Better Birth as well as MANY other books on pregnancy and labor. I have read endless horror stories on mumsnet about mean midwives, crappy aftercare, cascading interventions, years to heal 3rd degree cuts, permanent bladder and bowel injuries and even colostomy bags needed as a result of undiagnosed breach deliveries, etc. etc. etc.

I decided I would be better off with a home birth, even though I have a history of agonizing periods necessitating strong narcotics starting from when I was 14 years old. (Not been that bad for 15 years but hard to forget!) I?m terrified of the pain but figured a couple of days at home would be better than months healing from whatever would be inflicted upon me in hospital.

I have since read in today?s paper but also elsewhere that home births may be a huge manipulation of our trust in so far as the movement for them is more due to an effort to save money than any concern for a happy safe birth experience. And they may very well be more dangerous for the baby and we may not know the consequences of the damage for years.

I don?t know about that manipulation, it could be a coincidence. But how will I console myself if my child is brain damaged as a result of a home birth gone wrong, when the reason for having a home birth is my own personal safety and comfort? Is the fear of dirty toilets, a few ?worst days of my life? in the postnatal ward and damaged ?lady bits? a fair trade off for what could happen to this life inside me?

My husband and my mother have both concluded that I should have an elective cesarean. I have had surgery before and I know that I heal well. It?s my first baby and probably my last as I am 41 yrs old. My mother will be here to take care of me, as will my husband. I won?t have the problems some do of trying to do too much, as my husband would pee for me if he could. He is a wonderful caregiver.

I feel guilty considering a c section. What about all I?ve learned, about the beauty of a natural childbirth, etc. etc. I told my midwife group that I want a home birth and they were not only supportive, they were proud of me! And yes, it?s a major surgery but a planned surgery is far safer than an emergency surgery, which could still happen.

I?m 25 weeks today. It?s probably too late to get a consultant and then there?s no guarantee he?ll give me an elective section. Even if I go private, what are the odds of getting a consultant at this late date?

Which brings me back to NHS, and back to Chelsea Westminster. Home or hospital? Me or baby? I am so afraid I?m starting to hyperventilate. I want to enjoy this time. Someone give me advice, please?

[mumto3girls]

Congratulations!! Sorry you're worrying..
Whatever choice of birth you make, be aware that plans can sometimes need to change regardless of how much you want things to be a certain way.

I would disregard alot that wa ssaid in the newspaper about home births - it was crap journalism and not based on a greta amount of proper research either.

The truth is some hospital birth experiences are great and some aren't. I would probably say the same about home births to a degree too.

Pain relief at home is limited to gas and air. If this is a major concern then perhaps a hospital birth is a better option. I wouldn't ask for a c/setion without good reason. It is a major operation and having had both c/section and natural birth myself I toook longet to recover frm the c/s than the other.

[mumto3girls]

Also...bear in mind that the horror stories on here are ( whilst very valid concerns and terrible thing sto happen to people) few and far between. You just don't get people always bothering to write huge long posts about their wonderfully 'normal' deliveries...

I'm not sure whether you may get recommendations to go into hospital anyway because you are over the average age for a first time mum ( but you could still insist on home birth if thats what you'd like)

I had my dd3 in hospital at 8.30am in the morning and was home at 4.30 that same day - so no need to stay in, especially if you have brilliant help at home waiting!!

[motherinferior]

Home births carry some risks in the sense that you are some distance from emergency support. Theoretically, yes, that could be dangerous; however, it's more than likely that anything that did go wrong would go wrong at a point where you could be transferred to hospital. At least one senior consultant - who is also a spokesperson for the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists - has no problem with them.

I personally am not a huge fan of elective caesarians although I have good friends who are. I would say, however, that I feel very strongly it's your body, your choice. Yours alone. I opted for a home birth, strongly against the wishes of my partner. I've never regretted it. (Neither, come to that, has he.)

[dejags]

Oh Diva,

Like you I am worrying but my worries are the other way round.

I am terrified, terrified, TERRIFIED of having to have a CS. I am quite resistant to anaesthesia (I had two epidurals when labouring with DS1 which didn't work), so I am currently having sleepless nights about the epidural/spinal block not working and me feeling the cut (I have a friend who this happened to).

I feel sick to my stomach at the prospect, so I can totally identify your fears and worries. To the extent that I am considering asking for a general anaesthetic if I have to have a CS (this is a very strong possibility because the baby is breech and I am 34 weeks gone).

I think you should go with what you feel most comfortable with. Sit down and write it down. Make your choice without feeling pressured or bullied into it. If you decide on an elective CS - then stick to your choice and investigate your options (I would be very surprised if they would allow an elective CS on the NHS for non-medical reasons).

Every pregnant woman is assigned a consultant at the beginning of their pregnancy - it should be on your notes, if not, ask your midwife whose care you are under.

Do what's best for you and your baby and bugger the rest.

[katyjo]

Hi Diva,
Sorry to hear you are so worried. I felt like you, I had heard so many horror stories I thought an elective cs sounded so easy, no complications and lady bits all intact!

I gave birth to my ds in hospital, I was induced because waters had been broken for more than 24 hours (so on drip etc) I was in the smallest labour room I have ever seen, but the birth was fine, I did tear a bit, but I felt suprisingly normal. Don't get me wrong I felt a bit starnge down there for a few weeks but I thought I would be totally different, I feel the same way I always did (down there).
The birth was totally different from how I wanted it to be, but it was still wonderful.
All I can tell you is I am so glad I didn't have a cs, I have a friend who has had both and would definately choose the vb everytime.

Don't feel guilty about your choice, trust your gut instinct, you and your baby will be fine which ever option you choose.
Big Hugs for you
Katy

p.s. My aftercare wasn't great, but you can always check out of the hospital if you aren't happy and by law a midwife must visit you at home.

[Klaw]

Hi Diva,

I'm sorry that you are having such huge doubts about your baby's birth.

I am a VBACer and as such very much pro VB but also would support a woman till the end if phsycologically she needed a CS.

I don't feel that you have any medical reason for a CS and I don't beleive that in your heart you want one. It's not up to your mother or your dh where or how you give birth. It's your body and your birth so they need to support you wholeheartedly, they may have reservations and you need to discuss this with them, but it is your choice.

I'll post a few links which I think you might find useful and you can always ask as many questions as you need on MN. You are also, imho, entitled to change your mind as often as you need to whilst you get your head sorted!

Dr Sarah Buckley Read her articles about pain and hormones, they explain how labour works beautifully and gave me such faith in the female body.
Active Birth Centre, London
Doula UK
Caesarean birth
Homebirth reference

That's probably enough to be going on with, I hope it helps!

[plibble]

It sounds to me like you have read enough and may have a case of too much information!
It also sounds like there is no reason to think that you will have a bad birth, either in hospital or at home.
You will have been assigned a consultant at C&W. Maybe you need to have a proper chat - either with your consultant or with a senior midwife to try to suss out how you feel. You could call them and get an appointment.
I had a c.s. ("emergency" - although we were both fine, she was just stuck) and, for the record, don't feel like I missed out by not pushing my baby out. The only reason I regret having a c.s. is that I want at least 2 more children. If I had had any concerns about something happening to my child during birth, I think I would have considered an elective - although it is hard to say, at the time surgery terrified me and I blithely assumed all would be fine without it.
Perhaps the question is what can you live with most easily? The fear that something untoward might happen during labour (unlikely by the way), or the surgery/recovery etc - and don't forget that c.s. is not without risk.

If you want to go private (and avoid the nasty loos) then can I suggest that you go private in an NHS hospital - C&W and QC (which may be an option for you) both have private wings, so you get the nice rooms with the comfort of knowing that you won't be ambulanced across London if anything goes wrong.

[Pruni]

Message withdrawn

[StripeyKnickersSpottySocks]

You've got to feel comfortable with where you give birth. Talk to your cm/w, ask her if you can go see the labour ward, postnatal ward at the hospital. Our local hospital does tours for expectant mums. It might not be as bad as you're imagining.

[lulumama]

what great advice on this thread ! really really great...there have been some threads about the best bit of childbirth and positive birht stories, will link to them later....


a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing, can;t it?

we are getting to a point where normal vaginal derlivery is thought of as a rarity, where women do not have the confidence to birth their babies...

going from a home birth to an elective c.s is a massive swing of the pendulum, one extreme to the other !

i would recommend you get a doula, who will support you emotionally before during and after the birth, and can hopefully help you feel supported and able to make the decision that is right for you

if this is going to be your first and possibly only baby, do not let your DH and Mum decide what is the best birth for you
you need to make the decision, and not spend time looking back, thinking, if only, ....

it is not a question of you or the baby, both of you can have your needs met...

what is your gut feeling?

[lulumama]

best bit of birth thread

[jem1969]

Diva
Im 22 weeks pg with my first and quite old at 37 and also due to go to C&W. I have been reading all the horror stories as well and a few weeks ago was getting into a bit of a state.
I definitely don't want a home birth and a couple of people have suggested an elective c section (someone told my DH it was far safer so he thought it was a good idea!)but I figure I know loads of women who've had 'normal' deliveries, mainly in overcrowded london nhs hospitals and all seem to have some out ok so I've resolved to try and relax a bit.
I know C&W isn't great for aftercare with it's huge wards etc. but I think as long as I have reasonabley low epectations should be OK and also it can vary. A friend of my mother's phoned me yesterday to say a friend of hers just had a 'fabulous' birth at C&W and she was usually very demanding.
I think if you want an elective c section at C&W you would probably be able to have one (my friend certainly did)and would not need to go private (prob too late to do that anyway). You will def have a consultant there even if you are under the midwife care.
Sorry- am rambling a bit! Agree that you rarely hear the good bits in the media and on the internet- just the horror stories).

[Mum2FunkyDude]

Best bit of advice I ever got about birthing was from my friend; "Don't listen to other peoples stories, it will only put you off". You sound like a sensible person and I think you are probably dealing with the fear of the unknown. All I can say is, they will look after you at a hospital and if you decide on a home birth, do so because you want it, not because you feel its the lesser of two evils. You will also get the necessary care from the NHS if you decide on a homebirth.

[CarGirl]

Have only skim read but I wanted to add that you are most likely to have the best birth experience where you are most relaxed and feel in control. There are pros & cons for and against homebirth but I do personally believe you get the most 1 2 1 care having a homebirth. I wrote on my notes that I wanted the midwives to be my birthing partners and that my dp was just there to carry my bags and I didn't have anyone else to ask - it made a big difference they were far more involved than at my previous 3 births.

Personally I wouldn't recommend elective cs to anyone I know people who've had problems and injuries from them so it is no more risk free than a vaginal delivery and those who've had both types say the vaginal delivery was the easier option for them.

Sorry child birth is risky which ever way you go about it I think in todays society we expect perfection etc and childbirth just doesn't work like that. do find yourself a good & sympathetic midwife to discuss this with.

My first choice was homebirth but could never have one but I was happy with the labour and delivery care that I got and I then discharged myself asap!

[katyjo]

I forgot to add earlier, you are only 25 weeks it is not too late for anything at all, you make the decision about what you want for you. If you are comfortable and at ease your baby will be just fine.
I don't know if there is any connection with painful periods and labour pain, but gas and air is fantastic stuff.
I know I mentioned my aftercare wasn't great but I was never badly treated, just didn't really have a clue what I was doing and I missed my hubby, if I could go back I would have left earlier, but I didn't have the confidence.
Please don't forget that the birth is going to be an amazing time for you, it is not a walk in the park but you are going to bring a new life into this world and that is AMAZING and that makes you AMAZING too! It doesn't matter how you do it but you will have a beautiful little baby.
xxx

[TuttiFrutti]

Diva, I also read the article you are talking about and I actually agree with it. I was in the same position as you two and a half years ago when I had my first baby at 37, and I read lots of childbirth books (far too many, in retrospect) and got really anxious about all the choices I could make.

My view is that someone in your position (by which I mean first baby, aged 41, history of painful periods) would be better off not having a home birth. I will probably get shot down in flames for saying that, but that's my personal opinion. The percentage of home births which transfer to hospital for first timers is something like 40% and is increased for older mothers, as is the c-section rate generally.

I was encouraged to go for a home birth as my pregnancy was classed as low risk. In fact, the medical staff at the hospital had 5 minutes to get the baby out once they realised there was a serious problem (baby's head stuck behind an undiagnosed fibroid) and if I had been at home my baby would have died. I know scare stories are the last thing you want to hear, but I feel I have to tell the truth to women like you who might put themselves in the same position. I appreciate that my experience is relatively rare, but it does happen.

On a different level, dealing with the pain not the danger, IME women who have painful periods usually have extra painful labours and you may want an epidural, which obviously won't be available if you opt for a home birth.

Sorry to be the voice of doom and gloom Diva but I just wanted to tell you my experience.

[Rosetip]

Echo everything Tuttifrutti said.
I do know of one friend who had two very successful home births but would never consider the idea myself (as a historian in my pre-baby life, I know that while childbirth may be natural it was not at all safe until very recent times and that our forebears would have been dizzy with joy at the thought of epidurals, c-sections etc).
On the historical theme, there are "lies, lies and damned statistics (Disraeli I think). For example I once saw two charts showing c-section rates over the past century which obviously showed a steady rise, in exact correlation with the graph showing the same steady decline in maternal and infant mortality rates.
I expect someone else can produce other reports to the contrary, but in general terms we as modern women should be hugely grateful for all the choices we have.

[fearscape]

Sorry you're getting so worried Diva. I was just like you, absolutely terrified of going into hospital and had read all kinds of horror stories, especially involving cs, and had decided that I wanted a home birth. Unfortunately I developed pre-eclampsia at 31wks, spent 3 weeks in hospital being monitored, deteriorated rapidly at 34wks and had my baby by em-cs (no labour) - my absolute worst case scenario but you know what, it actually wasn't that bad! The mws were lovely, the toilets and shower were clean, I shared a room with some nice ladies who didn't snore, the op was not what I would have chosen but even that was ok. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that firstly, however empowered etc etc we feel to make choices about our births, you should be prepared for the decision to be taken out of your hands (I certainly wasn't!); and secondly the horror stories are the worst of the worst and not what happens to everyone so it might not be as bad as you are imagining. Would echo all the great advice everyone has given. Also bear in mind the recovery from a cs, I couldn't walk properly for about 3 weeks and even now (8 months on) if I do too much my scar twinges a bit, it will probably make caring for your baby harder.

Do you have a mw-led birth centre near you? There is one in my town where you can have your baby in hospital and then transfer immediately to the birth centre (if no complications or cs) for some friendly home-from-home style recovery. Good luck, hope everything goes well for you.

[DivaSkyChick]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks so much for your replies. I've been traveling and thus had no access to internet so it was great to get everyone's thoughts all at once.

I'm going to play it by ear. I'm supposed to be contacted by a midwife regarding my interest in a home birth and I'll discuss some of my fears with her then. Private care is no longer an option as the hospitals in the area are booked for July. Seems everyone was very busy making babies last October!

If I do decide that a home birth isn't for me, I will try very hard to stay home as long as possible. But I'm not ruling it out. I think since our insurance will pay for it, I'll schedule some quick scans for the last few weeks to be certain the baby isn't breach or in some other highly uncomfortable position that might make a homebirth less likely to succeed.

If the evidence points to a hospital birth, I'm going to make very clear that I'd rather tear than be cut, and frankly, while I know this isn't a a popular choice, I'd rather have a section than a ventouse or forceps delivery. They may not give me that choice but I'm no shrinking violet and I'm going to go into this believing that I will have some say over what happens to me. I have to believe that I am not going to be utterly victimized by the system. I might have to clean a toilet to use it but I won't be told off by anybody. I have to believe that I will remain my strong, confident self. I think I'm also going to TRY to stop reading the horror stories. I've read enough and it's time to focus on what the heck I'm going to do with my newborn once she's in my arms!

So where's the "OMG I have a baby and how do you change a diaper?" thread? hmmm?

Thanks again, ladies. You are all very special people to put so much time into caring how some of us newbies experience this first, hopefully wonderous adventure.

Mandy

[DaisyMOO]

How about doula DivaSkyChick? They can make sure your wishes are heard, give you confidence and as I'm sure you know the evidence is that they resuce the likelihood of needing interventions during labour?

Good luck with your plans, I hope it goes well.

[WaynettanEasterEgg]

diva - haven't read the whole thread, but just wantd to say that I had both my DSs at the Chelsea and Westminster and both times the staff were amazing during labour and the birth (once you got to the post labour ward youwere pretty much left on your own which wasn' ideal, but I think they figured that if you both were healthy then their attention would be better pklaced elsewhere)
Anyway, a thumbs up for the C&W if that's what you decide on, and when you get to the post labour ward don't be afraid to be stroppy and vocal!
Congratulations and good luck.

[4jen]

Hey Mandy

There is a midwife led birth centre at Edgware community hospital (north west london) you may want to look at if you want something half way between hospital and homebirth. I think they take people from all over London and it's NHS. Although I did not have a good birth experience myself it is true that it is a very small percentage of us and most have no problem at all. I think your decision to go for a c/s over an instrumental delivery if the need arises is a good one. I actually think that painful periods make you better prepared to deal with the pain, in my case they were suprised how long I went without an epidural (after inducing me on the drip) and kept asking if I wanted one!.

[MarsLady]

You can always book a homebirth and change your mind. It doesn't work the other way round. That should give you time to work out what you want and why.

[KristinaM]

you dont have to stay in hospital after the birth if you dont want to. I came home 16 hours after a ventouse delivery and 24 hours after a c section. i found the care on the post natal wards appalling

though obviously if your baby was unwell you would probably want to stay in