At the end of my rope. I have failed. I am a bad mother.

[marykat2004]

8 January 2012-01-08

How did this happen? How did my child end up like this? Obviously all my fault, children don't raise themselves.

Today we went to an ice skating party with school friends. There have been 2 similar parties the last 2 years, and both times DD chickened out on the ice. Both other times (reception and year 1, to give you an idea) at least one other child refused to skate, so DD was not alone.

Now it is year 2, many of children have been skating several times. Even the children (and parents) who go around the rink hugging the wall still have a go. When we were invited, DD at first declined. But as the birthday girl is one of her best friends, last week DD decided to go.

We got there. Got skates. The entire rink was hired out for us, so there were no teenagers zipping around. Just 25 year-2 children from DD?s class, and their parents.

Got on the ice and DD got distressed and said she didn?t want to do it. But not just distressed. Angry, crying, tantruming. We took the skates off, and she sat on a bench, but all the other children were skating. DD was angry that no one else was staying off the ice. She thought it wasn?t fair for people to have ice skating parties in case some of the children don?t like skating.

I find this a little unreasonable myself. 95% of the children clearly were interested in skating. So, they did not cater to the ONE person who wasn?t.

But to make matters worse, DD was whining and crying about being bored. So she got the skates back on to have another go. Two children and at least 2 adults, came up to her offering to help take her round, hold her hand etc. DD literally screamed at these children. Not a polite ?no thank you? but screaming ?NO!!!!!? at the top of her voice. I apologised to the children but now I feel that I should have made her apologise. But DD remained really upset throughout the party. Her second attempt on the ice was the same, she immediately got off again. I don?t mind if she doesn?t want to skate, but to behave like that, lashing out at her school friends, was really appalling. She claims these girls are ?mean? to her, but the look on the poor child?s face who got screamed at, I can?t imagine that that girl would scream at my DD like that.

DD has complained to me about bullying, saying she hates her school. Now I am confused. Today the alleged ?bullies? were very polite, trying to help, and trying to include my DD.

At one point when she got on the ice, DD cried ?all the children are laughing at me?. I did not see anyone laughing at all. Can a 7 year old really suffer paranoia?

Finally the skating part of the party ended, DD complained that she didn?t like the food, and cried because the hire-time of the rink was up and they had to put the cake aside for tomorrow at school. She kept complaining about that to me for the rest of the day, even though there is clearly nothing that I can do about it.

Before you reprimand me for my child being spoiled, I have to say that her father (DH) is chronically ill, and we basically live in a sick house, where she has to be quiet most of the time. I do 95% of the childcare, and she often goes days without seeing her dad because he is in bed when she is home from school, and I take her out at the weekends to stay out of his way. I try my best to provide entertainment for her, and do nice things at the weekend. But most of my efforts are not good enough, and DD ends up crying and whinging about whatever it was that wasn?t good enough, like tonight saying that was the worst party she ever went to.. I really try to change the subject when she is being negative but she just wants to moan and moan.

The bullying thing especially worries me because I don?t know if they are bullying her, or if DD is just angry because the other children won?t always do exactly what DD wants to do. I wonder if they are mean to her but just being nice today because I was there. It?s a really bad situation to not trust your own child?s version of the ?bullying? story. But I know how stroppy DD gets if she doesn?t get her way. I have NEVER given in to tantrums. Yet she persists in moaning non-stop most of the time.

Sorry this was so long. I really despair. She thinks I am cruel because I make her go to bed. And I don?t buy her every toy she wants. Would a foster family really let her stay up as late as she wants, and eat nothing but sweets? Would they buy her all the toys she desires? I think not.

[Alaro]

Bump

[marykat2004]

Thank you. I don't know what I expect, or want, it's just really frustrating. I think I'm going to post on a bullying board, is there one? That is only one of the issues, but I have spoken with her teacher about it several times already. They can't see any bullying happening.

[Selks]

Re the skating, she sounds like she was anxious, to be honest. And that needs some understanding from you. Read up on childhood anxiety.
Re the bullying.... just because they were being nice doesn't mean it didn't happen.
Re the bad manners from your DD, it's up to you to instill good manners in her frankly.
I suggest reading 'the incredible years' book by carolyn Webster Stratton. It's invaluable.

[marykat2004]

That book (and course) made me feel worse. I don't know why or what, but they gave these things to do and I just felt like I failed every week. I took it a few years ago when DD was about 4. I think i still have the notes but I probably passed the book on.

I felt like parents are expected to be robots, and the harder I try, the worse I fail. I don't even work any more, yet my daughter is far more anxious and has far more problems then when I used to go to work and leave her with her lazy dad. She is really really clingy, "want mummy" all the time, more clingy than when she was 2..

(I do have the notes, I found them the other day when I was trying to clear stuff out, and was about to throw them out, then I thought I should take another look... ok I will do that now... )

[Ohnanawhatsmynickname]

Sounds like you have a lot going on at home with a sick DP/DH .
Go easy on yourself and your DD.
Don't go on another skating party with her (for a while)
If she behaves like that again leave with her, maybe say I am really sorry but I think she isn't very well she doesn't normally behave like this. Just tell her that it isn't acceptable behaviour.
Don't worry about what others think it sounds like you have it rough.

[marykat2004]

I don't mind if she never skates, but I feel like I should make her apologise to her classmates.

We battled with swimming, too, but I made her stick with it because I believe swimming is an important part of both leisure and personal safety. She loves it now, but for the first 18 months each lesson was a battle.

[Ohnanawhatsmynickname]

Just say sorry to birthday girls mum, that might be enough to make you feel better.

[hugglymugly]

It sounds like your daughter is dealing with difficult circumstances (as are you) and I wonder if the school or your GP could provide some counselling for your daughter? It doesn't sound to me as though it's your parenting that's an issue, but more about how illness in the family home affects the children and how to get help for them to deal with that.

I might be way off the mark here, but the thought that came to my mind was that as you (and her) go out of the house because her father is bed-bound, maybe she's translated that to if she's injured/hurt what would happen to her then? Maybe that's why she reacted to the skating party the way she did. She is still very young, and the brain at that stage is extremely active and imaginative; but the cognitive level is often far in advance of the communicative level and maybe she doesn't really know how to express herself. Some outside help in pinpointing her worries could be very helpful to you in dealing with her.

[smearedinfood]

Sounds like you are a really hard working Mum with a lot on her plate. I would not take DD behaviour personally.

Just a thought. Do you think she possibly wants to control some things in her life because she can't control big things like having a sick Dad.

[smearedinfood]

Just read hug's post and I think she's put it far better than me

[Pancakeflipper]

Sounds like you and your daughter are both struggling and that is expected in your situation.

As wisely said - avoid ice skating for the future.

Have you got any support? It sounds like your daughter could do with 'escaping' to be able to be a 7yr old. Have you family or a good friend who could have your DD for 1 day on a weekend every 3 weeks or something like that? It would be a break for you.

You do get help for your OH? There are organisations that can provide a break for you and for DD. I think you'd all benefit.

You are not a crap mother. You are doing brilliantly in a very horrible situation. Please just get some help to ease the burden for you - you need a break too. And your daughter isn't horrible - she sounds anxious and scared. That's not surprising.

[pinkhousesarebest]

I feel for you as our ds was like this when he was younger. It sounds like your dd was very nervous, and then, when she knew she had failed and disappointed you she lost it.

I know it is hard, but stay on her side. Don't worry too much what the others think.

[BlueIvy]

She sounds like an anxious little girl. My DS is a lot like this. His anxiety lead shim to behave in a way that makes people think he is spoilt/rude, but it is really him acting out when he cannot control situations and feels uncomfortable.

I dont know the context, but perhaps your DD might need some outside input?

You are not a bad mum, btw. Just by posting here and showing that you are worrying and thinking about your daughter, it s clear you are a loving and concerned mother.

[Pocksrule]

I absolute agree with those posters, you are doing really well and sound like a great parent. Your dd's behaviour sounds like anxiety and there is much that can be done about that including some of the excellent advice above. Maybe she could get involved in some less scary activities such as brownies. I would also meet with her class teacher to share some of those worries. You can explain about the home situation, her anxiety and mention of bullying and the teacher can keep a good eye on the situation.

You are having to do this on your own by the sounds of it and doing well. Like the others said your dd isn't a horrid child, she is coping with a lot and expressing it in a truly child's way.

[Ohnanawhatsmynickname]

Hope you are feeling better about yourself today.

[CrotchFlakes]

My DD (6) has none of that going on at home but would/does react the same in the same situation.

She thinks people are being horrible to her if they disagree with her or don't want to play her games her way when she wants. She wants to be the centre of attention but can't bear people looking at her

At parties (where it's worst) I've tried letting her have as many cuddles as she wants, no pressure to join in - even to the point where I've spent 2 hours with her in my lap in the corner of the room not talking to (or looking at) anyone. And I've left her - in case it's me setting her off (sat outside and lasted 10-15 mins). And everything in between. Her classmates (and parents) are well used to her and I do warn them and apologise beforehand. She's also very good at writing notes - would that help by way of an apology?

[marykat2004]

@pinkhousesarebest - I did really keep my cool and try to stay positive about the ice skating. I was not disappointed in her not skating, only in her violent behaviour around it.

We used to have some visible and embarasing fights at swimming lessons. DD has always been timid about physical activities. It took her 18 months to become happy with swimming. When she was young she never wanted to go down slides; she was much older than other children when she did go down. This is digressing from the point, but the good side of her waiting longer to do things is that I have great confidence in her motor skills. If we are in the park and she is climbing on rocks or trees I don't tend to worry about her. I am a wreckless and clumsy person, my mum always worried, and I have broken at least 5 bones. Anyway that was slightly off the point... but sort of explains her fear. She won't do something until she feels totally safe and in control. And ice does not feel safe.

Now more truths... that I was getting worried before the ice skating, because a couple of months ago one of the mums broke her arm ice skating (why do they always have to have ice skating parties at this school??). I had not been on skates in over 30 years. If I broke my arm, there would be no one to look after DD.

@everyone asking about support... we have no immediate family. The closest we have is about 90 minutes away by train but it's expensive to go there, and they also have health problems. I picked some bad genes :( The rest are overseas.

Also, due to lack of money we can't get babysitters. Can't swap childcare with school mums cos they all have nannies and full time jobs. My version of a 'break' is to meet up with friends who have kids and then at least we get some mum time while the kids play. I do still have a few friends i can do that with at weekends, though in our immediate area.

Thank you all for replying.

[marykat2004]

@CrotchFlakes, is your DD an only child? That sounds so familiar.

My DD hates parties anyway, she has always hated the games like pass the parcel and musical statues. I don't know why that is.

And also, at this skating party where DD cried and screamed the whole time, she insisted on wearing a dog costume (I'm laughing myself while typing that), and then got upset when children commented on the costume. She doesn't want people to look at her but insists on wearing outrageous fancy dress. ARGH!

[CrotchFlakes]

No, she has 3 brothers She also hates pass the parcel - well, she likes it until she wins and then

What I'm trying to say is - don't immediately rush to blame your family situation or your parenting; our DDs sound very similar, I've been assured it's not uncommon especially for girls of that age (by DD's teacher) to be so sensitive in that way.

[marykat2004]

That is quite reassuring, Crotchflakes... but I am still going to work on improving things...

[LynetteScavo]

Does your DD actually want to go to parties? If she doesn't I would stop taking her. They don't sound like much fun for you or her.

I think you need to stop blaming yourself for not having an "easy" child. Some children are just more hard work than others.

[marykat2004]

Sometimes she doesn't want to go, so we don't go. She had initially said no to this one, but because she really likes the birthday girl, I think she decided to go. And maybe she thought she might have a try at skating again. It had been a year since her last 'try'. She seemed up for it until she got on the ice.

Her own parties are also difficult as she won't invite more than about 6 friends. This year we skipped a party and just had her cousin over for the weekend because it was getting too difficult to organise a kids's party and DH's 50th all the same weekend (despite being ill DH insisted on quite a big 50th, unusual as he usually doesn't even bother with his birthday).

[festi]

my dd is similar in many ways. I would not blame your parenting but just remember to keep your cool.

I had a similar experience with dd at ice skating before christmas. I she was very anxiouse and as soon as she got on the ice she was hysterical. I immediatly puuleed her off the ice calmed her down and reassure her she was safe as I was there to keep her safe, who was I kidding she wasnt buying that. I didnt quite know how to react, so I looked at her for a while and did not react untill a rational thought came into my head. she was getting her self hot and all snotty. so I took her coat off her and her skates off her, wiped her nose and said right you need to calm down. Im skating you can join me when you feel confident. She was a bit . I can skate quite well, I didnt look twice at her the first time around then I waved, then I wobbled then I prtended it was hard work and clung to the side. dd actually found this funny and soon sorted her mood out.

I think you feel guilty and are attempting to pasify her, when she has reached an age she needs to see things for her self and work out her own solutions.

My dd is also feircly indipendant as your dd seems to be from what you describe, she does not particularly vaue her friends at school, yet feels the injustice of people not wanting to do what she demands etc, she needs to find her own way with friendships. I have spoken to dds teacher twice this term alone and asked about any possible friendship issues as dd does not have a best friend or close circle, but tlaks about BFF all the time, but she does not honestly know what it means to have a best friend, but that is because she does need to rely upon one other individual. Anyway her teacher on both occassions has reassured me, she has a good understanding of dds nature as with all the children in her class, and can honestly say none of the other children complain or appear to have issue with dd and dd will be either happy playing alone with one or two children or in a group, depending on what is going on. I would talk to teacher.

also have you considered a fairly varied activity such as rainbows or performing arts. dd is in a drama group and loves it. it is so varied and she has so much fun.

I have no experience about how your dd may feel about her dads illness or what suppoert is availible there. but it is just me and dd and sometimes can be equally as isolating, but dd makes no requests to invite school frinds etc, but I often do not make concreat plans just right up today what are we doing where are we going and so there is little expcetation and dd finds her own fun. I would honstly step back a bit and not attempt to make everything go swimmingly, just have some stratorgies for dealing with anxiety and disapointment at the time, with a bit of creativity, understanding and playing it down.

[Kewcumber]

she feels ashamed that she was so rubbish at skating whilst everyone else (in her mind) were ok/brilliant/acceptable at it. Girls might have been offering to help but how shameful having people of your own age having to help you get around the rink like a baby.

She behaved badly I suspect because she was hoping to be taken away from it all - its an avoidance tactic. I was an expert (in different ways but similar lack of physical prowess). In future you need to really praise her for even attempting anything out of her comfort one. Ice is scary I hate it.

"I was really proud of how you had a go at that ice-skating when I know how nervous you were about it"

Its humiliating being rubbish at things in front of your class and she doesn't have the maturity/personality to be able to laugh it off yet.

Of course she could just be badly behaved, difficult to tell without knowing her.

[BandOMothers]

Oh gosh she sounds like ME when I was a child! My Mum and Dad were excellent parents. It was just me...very sensitive...rather self concious...a bit introverted.

I was very arty too...still am and also prefer my own company. I was the kid yelling that I didn't want to play rounders when all the other kids at the party were happy to. Its hard...all I can tell you is that I improved hugely at around 13...other things went tits up then though. It's not uncommon for 7 year olds to get emotional and ott in their reactions. Please dont worry too much.