Extended breastfeeding - please help me with my dh, he wants me to stop and said if I'm still BF when the baby is 2 then he's leaving

[JodieG1]

Ok so probably didn't mean that he would actually leave but I feel very pressured right now to stop bf. Ds2 is only 12 months and dh says he isn't a baby anymore, of course he is and I said so.

I'm sick of him constantly going on about it and he is trying to bully me into stopping. He doesn't think he is though but says it's disgusting and that I should stop. He even asked how long I intended to feed him for to whcih I replied I didn't have a set age in mind.

Both ds2 and I are very happy with bf and the way it is going and even though he wakes 4-5 times a night to feed still I am enjoying it more than not.

I've just started training to be a bf counsellor so I know all the benefits of extended bf and have told dh but he doesn't care and says he would rather get up and give him a bottle. I said he must have issues and that it's his problem but he says he doesn't have any issues at all. Where could this feeling he has of it being disgusting come from?

Luckily my parents are very supportive and are here a lot and never make comments to me, I can sense mil thinks I am doing it for too long now and she keeps saying I'll have to put my foot down about the night wakings soon, not quite sure what she expects me to do about them though.

Sorry for long post but I'm so fed up with it and need some advice.

[FAQ]

Do you think it could be to do with the fact that DS2 is still waking in the night that bothers him more than the extended feeding?

[JodieG1]

No as he said he'd rather get up and bottlefeed him in the night himself. I sleep in another room with ds2 so dh doesn't get disturbed also. Plus dh snores terribly and I've told him to see the dr about it before I go back to sleep in our room so it's not about that either.

[CountessDracula]

Maybe he wants you back in his bed and not with ds2!

[JodieG1]

It's not that as he knows I won't until he sees the dr as I'm a light sleeper and am woken more by him than by ds2. PLus we still have lots of sex.

[policywonk]

I haven't got anything constructive to say I'm afraid - but if he has really threatened to leave you because of it then I'd be seriously pissed off - in fact I'd tell him to get knotted (not that I'm suggesting that as a way forward). DP got very huffy at one point about co-sleeping, so I just told him to go and sleep in the spare room; he got over it after a couple of months.

[JodieG1]

I did get annoyed at him. I just don't know why he finds bf disgusting now. It was his pressure that made me give up bf ds1 and I don't want to do it again.

[policywonk]

Does he actually use the word 'disgusting'? If so, have you asked him to explain exactly what he means?

[princessosyth]

Oh god, it is a real tricky one. Do you think he is missing being intimate with you and is blaming the breastfeeding? I don't know what to suggest, I don't think you should stop because he has told you to but it is not worth losing your marriage over. Could you compromise, perhaps say that you will gradually cut down on the night feeds and then maybe stop by easter?

[milou2]

Training as a breastfeeding counsellor can bring up a new awareness of bullying amongst loads of other things. It can be a lifechanging process. It was for me, even though I decided to stop the training after several years.

Can you bring this up with your fellow trainees or tutor? How is your assertiveness generally?

[robinredbreast]

do you think your mil is influencing him?

[JodieG1]

PW - yes he said disgusting, I asked him why and he says it just is. He can't seem to clarify why.

Princess - I really don't think I should stop just because he wants me to and I want to carry on bf ds2 though. We still have sex quite a lot so I don't think it's that.

Milou - That's a good idea, thank you, I will get in touch with my tutor, I'm only on the first module so far. I am very assertive and usually don't just do what he says, I'm quite able to stand up for myself it just gets draining having the same conversation.

Robin - they don't speak from one week to the next and are not close at all, he isn't close to any of his family. He seems quite detatched from them actually and doesn't care if he sees or speaks to them.

[StealthPolarBear]

What an awful situation
Can you say that you are prepared to consider what he is saying if he is prepared to explore how he's feeling and explain in more detail the problems he has with it? After all if his only explanation is "disgusting" then I think a reaction of "I'm not listening then" is justified

[thebeanmonster]

I think hubby jealous of son and probably doesn't realise he is.Little baby turning into real wee person now.I BF DD and DS1 until second birthday when they could understand they were not babies any more.Both accepted this quite happily and DH claims sex better when not feeding.

[NAB3wishesfor2008]

Sounds like you have another baby there. Sorry. Not feeling very charitable this morning.

[JodieG1]

stealth - He doesn't seem prepared to recognise that he could be the one with the problem! Sigh

thebeanmonster - that's a possibility but why would he be jealous?

nab - don't I know it

[Oliveoil]

Hmmmm, well if dh slept in a the spare room all the time I would be pissed off tbh

sex or no sex, it is the closeness you get when you sleep in the same bed imo

maybe he is missing you and wants you back in there and is pointing the blame at the breastfeeding?

also at 12 months I would go insane at waking 4 to 5 times a night

[policywonk]

I agree with Stealth - if he can't be bothered to expand on 'disgusting' then I wouldn't be too bothered about what he thought. However, this is a high-risk strategy I suppose - when it came to it with DP, I was prepared to end the relationship over these issues because I felt that the children's needs were more important than his.

I think you could reasonably say, 'I am not prepared to even discuss weaning until you sit down with me and put some serious effort into unpicking your feelings of disgust.' Also try to make him understand how hurtful it is for him to (effectively) call you 'disgusting'.

[cmotdibbler]

I'd tell him to get his snoring sorted first. Feel very strongly about this as I put up with DHs terrible snoring for 10 years. He finally went to see someone about it, and it turned out that he stopped breathing 85 times an HOUR - at one point his oxygen levels dropped to 64%, and his blood pressure was sky high in the morning. Consultant said that this was putting him at very very high risk of stroke etc, and soon (DH is only 32 too). Went on CPAP immediatly, and since then I haven't heard a single snore, his blood pressure is normal, and he keeps breathing all night.
The CPAP is very quiet and unobtrusive.

Of course, if he'd like to deal with night feeds, then you might take the attitude that if he buys bottles and milk, gets up in the night to DS2, washes the bottles, sterilises them etc, he can get on with it, and you'll bf in the day.
FWIW, DS gave up night feeds when I was away for work, and decided that daddy with a bottle of EBM wasn't worth it, so now if DS wakes up in num num closed hours, DH gets kicked out of bed to see him.

[JodieG1]

olive - he hasn't gone to see the dr about his snoring so he can't be that bothered and he's had a year. I am tired a lot but can't stop him waking, it's been the same since he was born.

policy - I know what you're saying but I don't think he even really knows why he finds it disgusting. Maybe it's just society and the sexualisation of breasts these days. He does associate breasts with sex I think.

[JodieG1]

cmotdibble - thank you for that, that sounds serious and it's good your dh got himself sorted out. I'll remind dh again about going and see what he thinks. I guess we could do that with bottles but I do like the quiet time at night with ds2, plus dh wouldn't last long either, he hates getting woken up at night and has no patience in the nights.

[JodieG1]

Fio of course I don't want to lose my marriage but I also don't want to be bullied into doing something. I'm co-sleeping with ds2 so that's why I moved rooms, it's not forever after all but he didn't want to be woken in the night so I moved. I really wanted to wean naturally and this is my last baby (he had the snip) so I wanted to get it right for me. I already feel guilty over stopping feeding ds1 and he's 4 now so it is quite important to me.

[canofworms]

I'm in a similar predicament, dd3 is 12 months and still breastfed but only at bedtime now.

Dh really wants me to stop now like I did with my other 2 but I just don't feel ready. We had a big chat about it the other night and he feels she's tied to me at bedtime so we can't leave her. (not that we've any plans to but I think he's looking into the future)

We agreed a compromise in that 1 night a week she can go to bed after a cup of milk instead of a breastfeed so that anybody could do it.

Do you think you could find a compromise that would work? (not necessarily the same as this)

[hunkermunker]

Jodie, I'm not sure your DS2 will be fobbed off with a bottle in the night. Does he take one usually? It's not a comforting thing for a baby who doesn't usually have a bottle - it's confusing for them and they can get very upset.

I think you need to talk about this more with him - even just to say that it's unfair of him to say this, then stick his fingers in his ears and go "La-la-la not listening"

Maybe see if Popsycal can give you some ideas - she had this with her DH, I think.

[JodieG1]

canofworms - we have been out recently a couple of times and my parents have watched the children here and put them all to bed so I'm not the only one that can do it really. DS2 does have problems settling and getting to sleep but that's another issue really.

Hunker - He will take a bottle of normal cow's milk if I'm not here but won't drink much. When we went out recently he took 1 bottle from my mum but no more. He rarely has bottles though but does drink from a cup during the day. I don't think he'd drink much in the night if he had a bottle but I don't know.

Thanks everyone. So difficult to know what to do.