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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Sister in law just gave birth to stillborn son

26 replies

mousemole · 30/04/2007 14:16

My sister in law and I were pregnant, both with boys and were due within weeks of each other. She had major stress and problems with the baby all the way through the pregnancy = they thought he had a genetic problem/heart deffects etc etc. In the end he sadly died at 34 weeks and my poor sister in law delivered him this weekend. I desperately want to help and see her/my brother/ attend the funeral if there is one and generally let them know I am thinking of them. However I am aware I must be the last person she/they will want to see as I am still pregnant ( even worse with a boy as well). What should I do ? How long should I stay away ?( my baby due in 8weeks). Will they want to see my baby when he is born ? Should I not go to the funeral if there is one ? ( I have a very large bump that I can imagine will not be a nice sight for them. Any advice help/appreciated.

OP posts:

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Nbg · 30/04/2007 14:18

How terribly sad.

I think all you can do is let them know that you are there for them both.

Such a hard time

throckenholt · 30/04/2007 14:19

talk to them and say you would really like to be there but wil lunderstand if they prefer not to see you at the moment.

fryalot · 30/04/2007 14:22

oh how awful for all of you, and how considerate of you.

I would talk to your mum or your brother, and see what they say. If you are quite close and spend a lot of time together anyway, it may be best just to be there from the beginning as you are going to be around anyway. It's going to be very painful for them whenever you do it, it may just be better to get the first time they see you over with sooner rather than later.

Spidermama · 30/04/2007 14:22

I think you're right that the sight of you at the funeral might be even more distressing for her at this time, though I can fully understand you want to be there for her.

God what an awful situation. I'm so sorry.

Can you just ask her on the phone. Let her know you'd totally understand if she would rather you didn't go?

My best friend announced she was pregnant about a fortnight after I'd lost a baby. It really did hurt. She told me very insensitively (bursting with excitement with a cursory 'sorry it's not a good time for you but I'M PREGNANT - HOORAY!). I felt really torn. I wanated so much to be happy for her because she was my best friend but it hurt so much. Very confusing.

I'm sorry for your SILs and I think the most important thing is to let her know you are there for her and you are thinking about her.

oranges · 30/04/2007 14:26

I think if you are so close to your due date, I would use that as a reason to stay away from the funeral, but send a lovely gift and long letter. I am sure they will want to see your baby after he is born, but they need some time to allow the rawness of their grief to ebb a bit first. So sorry about the news.

mamazon · 30/04/2007 14:28

my mum lost my sister very shortly after she was delivered. her best friend and my aunt were also pregnant with girls at roughly the same time (i think her friend had recently had her baby)

I know my mum would never have wanted to make them feel bad about having a baby that srvived but of course there was a certain amount of upset.

i would give her a call and see how she is. im sure she would want you at the funeral to say goodbye to your nephew, as indeed im certain she will want to be in the life of your son.
For the first few days it may be easier to speak wt your brother.

Im so sorry that your family are going through this.

sweetheart · 30/04/2007 14:37

mm,

my experience is quite different but I would imagine the emotions will be the same. I lost a baby at 17 weeks and delivered him. When I came home from hospital I didn't want to talk to anyone, I wanted to shurt myself away and have some time to myself. My friends all sent messages of sympathy and said to get in touch when I was ready. After about 2 weeks I called them and arranged to meet for lunch. It was great because everything had been on my terms and when I felt ready.

At the funeral we only allowed our parents to come but to be honest we would have been happy to go alone.

I would suggest that you send your SIL some flowers with a note saying that you are thinking of her and you will be there for her when she needs you and is ready to talk.

TenaLady · 30/04/2007 14:41

As difficult as it maybe for you, I would pick up the phone and ask if there is anything you can help with. Try remaining as normal as possible and actually ask her how she is feeling.

Folk around the bereaved seem to think that the clock must stop and get scared to talking to them about the event that has just unfolded.

shimmy21 · 30/04/2007 14:43

How terribly sad

I agree that openness is the best way to approach this. Explain how very sorry you are and that you'd like to do anything you can to help. Then ask directly if they would like you to come to the funeral or prefer you to stay away for a while.

Whatever they choose or say to you at the moment, even if it's hurtful to you or terribly sad, shouldn't be taken personally.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/04/2007 14:49

Hi mousemole,

I hope the hospital have been very sympathetic and have also told them of the existance of SANDS.

Have you also considered contacting SANDS - they are very good and have been very helpful to my friend whose daughter was stillborn. I also found them to be of great help as well when I learnt of this news.

I would certainly suggest that your SIL and her husband contact them as and when they are ready to do so.

Their web address is www.uk-sands.org

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/04/2007 14:51

Certainly acknowledge this child's existance and talk openly. Openness is indeed one way forward.

mousemole · 30/04/2007 14:56

funnily enough I was the first member of our family she called- right after the scan that confirmed he had died. I was expecting a call anyway to hear when the delivery date was going to be ( she was having a planned c section due to all the complications). I think I held it together well on the phone and although there were times when we both cried there were times when we discussed how it wasn't meant to be, that he wasn't a very well little boy etc. Its the feeling of helplessness that is horrible. I wish I could take some of their pain. And now I am paranoid about movements where as before was very relaxed about our baby. I guess that's inevitable but as DH said, me getting stressed wont help anything.

OP posts:

Glimmer · 30/04/2007 14:59

Hi mousemile, I agree with everything that has been said here. I would call or write them and tell them how you feel and ask them for their preference. I would not stay away without any explanation. This way they know that you feel with them and respect their wishes.

FoghornLeghorn · 30/04/2007 15:19

How awful
I agree, I would call either SIL or DB and ask them what they would be comfortable with, if you can't do it over the phone maybe you could write to them. Explain that you really want to be there for them, to help as much as possible etc but completely understand it would be very hard for either of them to see you atm and just see what their answer is - think it is the inly option really.

Must be very hard for you too MM

RTKangaMummy · 30/04/2007 15:30

I agree with others here

I would send her a card cos when DT1 died we recived lots of cards and flowers and still have the cards today 11 years later

Also you can compose a card carefully

Also if they have a name for him refer to him by name cos he will be important to them and also that people don't forget him

Hope you are ok

Shoshable · 30/04/2007 15:44

Although it was a long time ago (27 & 15 years ago) this happened to me, I lost a son due to complications from Spina Bifida at 2 days, he was a 30 week baby, and a daughter at 28 weeks, just to small she died at 3 days.
Initially the only person I wanted to see, was my mum, (after DH), after a week or so, I wanted ti see people, I wanted to be able to talk about them, to feel that they were 'real'.
Two of my friends were pregnant the first time, I saw neither of them, in fact one crossed the road rather than face me, which was so painful for me.
The second time it happened a very thoughtful friend, sent me a card, in which she expressed her condolences, and love from her and her 1 day old daughter.
A year later on her daughters birthday, she brought some flowers and asked if she could take them to my daughters grave, to mark her birthday.
I thought I was the only one who had remembered (Mom had died 6 weeks later and I had split up with DH), it was a real comfort to me.
I went ti their grave alot in the early days, less often as time went on.
On my daughter's 13th birthday I went to take flowers, there was some already there. My friend had been taking them every year, although we had moved away in the meantime and only met up sporadically.
It was the best feeling in the world, that my daughter who had spent so little time on this earth, was remembered and 'real' to somebody else but me.

MARGOsBeenPlayingWithMyNooNoo · 30/04/2007 16:07

Shoshable

Mousemole - I'm so sorry for you and your family. You sound like you would be able to provide wonderful support. She will probably use your son as a milestick to mark what her ds would have been doing at that stage in years to come.

Try and talk to your SIL directly and send the card as well.

It's a loss for you as well, i hope that you will not worry too much about your baby for the rest of the pregnancy.

PrincessPeaHead · 30/04/2007 16:10

oh I'm so so sorry.x

Pinkchampagne · 30/04/2007 16:12

Oh how very sad. I'm so sorry.x

Califrau · 30/04/2007 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lucykate · 30/04/2007 16:21

its so sad when things like this happen. my sil lost a baby, lilly, nearly a year ago at 31 weeks. the best thing to do regarding the funeral etc, is just ask them what they'd like you to do.

lilly died a week before my ds's 1st birthday and it totally overshadowed everything, but sil did actually enjoy having a little cuddle with him. i think it gave her hope that life does go on, and also that even after losses, it is still possible to have a baby again (i had 2 mc's before having him).

my sil is pg again, due in july, and very anxious but is having lots of extra scans and support from the midwives this time.

PavlovtheCat · 30/04/2007 16:23

Contact her, let her know how sorry you are, and how much you care. Tell her what you are feeling, and the reasons for any decisions you make, do not presume she will know. She will, in time, I am sure, appreciate that you thought of her, and did not know what to do. If you do not tell her, she will come to her own conclusions which may be wrong.

Also remember, that you are about to have a baby, and you need to look after yourself, keep yourself safe and as stress free as possible.

PavlovtheCat · 30/04/2007 16:24

Sorry for sad sad news btw, that is what I had meant to post first.

TenaLady · 01/05/2007 21:21

just a thought, when the dust settles a bit and your baby is born, try and get her involved as much as you can. Not sure if you are having baby christened but could you consider her as a godparent. Just a thought.

hoxtonchick · 01/05/2007 21:25

how sad . my cousin lost her baby at 27 weeks when i was pg with my dd, 2 years ago. we were due a few weeks apart from each other. i felt so bad for them, but like you, didn't want to be in their faces whilst pg. happily, she had a little boy just before xmas. i hope you find the right things to say to your sil.

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