DH committed suicide, body found 10 days later part 2

(349 Posts)
MamaTeeTee Wed 03-Feb-16 09:12:03

The support I had on the last thread was amazing so thought Id continue it.

For anyone catching up, my DH died between christmas and new year. He had been struggling with depression and a cocaine and steroid addiction. His behaviour in the last 6 months got totally out of control. He was drink driving, disappearing for days, sneaking out in the middle of the night. We hAd two weeks apart at the beginning of December during which time he lived with a friend. He insisted he was clean during these 2 weeks but I later found out he wasn't. He moved back home for 2 weeks but christmas was a disaster and he told me on xmas eve (whilst he was drunk and high) that I was his trigger that made him do these silly things and he wanted to leave.
He went to stay with his mum on December 28th although we were still very much a family. He came to the family home for tea after work, we took the kids out togetehr, then he went to sleep at his mums. I thought I was giving him family life without the pressure.
On Tuesday 29th December I picked DH up after work and we went home and played playdoh with the kids for an hour. I took him to the shops to get a couple of bits he needed and then dropped him to his mums as me and DC were going to my dads for an hour. I called DH on my way home to see if he wanted to see the kids before they went to bed but he said he was busy. He came to the house at 10pm as I had made his food for work for the following day and we had a cuddle on the sofa. At 10.30pm when he was back at his mums he text me "is this the way it's going to be from now on?" And I replied "I think so, until you sort yourself out". The texts went on and he explained that he was sorry for putting us through this and how much he loved me. I said I loved him too but I couldn't understand how we had got here and that he seemed to be so much happier being away from us. He text me at 11pm saying "I love you, I love my parents and I love our babies but you're all better off without me xxxxxxxx". And that was the last anyone heard from him.
He has sent me that same text I don't know how many times over the years. I usually get a text half an hour later saying "I'm being a tit, ignore me".
I didn't get another text this time. I text him back a few times but thought he was playing games with me so I went to sleep.
I called him in the morning at 8.15am but there was no answer. I thought he was in work so I tried again at 10.15 when he goes on break. It went straight to answer phone. I still hadn't heard from him at 5pm and I was a little worried but assumed he was on a bender. At 11pm the police knocked the door to say his van had been found in the sea.
It took 10 days to recover my beautiful husband's body.
He left behind me and our 2 babies (4&5). I feel as though the world has come crashing down on us. Dd (5) misses him terribly and is struggling massively. She is terrified that I am going to die and her behaviour is just awful at the moment. DS (4) is absolutely fine. He talks about his daddy very matter of factly.

To top off an already horrific situation, there is a rumour going around that ive been having an affair with DHs best friend for months. My MiL quite evidently blames me for DHs death. And i now have to deal with the awful situation of getting probate sorted so I can sell our house. And then there's the inquest to deal with.
It's all so so shit.

MummyBex1985 Wed 03-Feb-16 09:16:41

I read your first thread and I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You seem to be getting stronger day by day, which I hope is of some comfort.

I can empathise with your DD. I lost my mum and whilst I appreciate its not the same situation at all, my DD was very close to her grandma and she has been acting very differently since my mum died before Christmas - very clingy (formerly very independent), regression, wants the light on at night and won't sleep over at her dads anymore. It's difficult when you can't help them isn't it.

Child Bereavement UK offered me an ear and some sound advice about my DDs behaviour - maybe give them a call for some reassurance?

Thinking of you.

TheGonnagle Wed 03-Feb-16 09:17:07

I remember you previous thread, and I didn't want to read and run.
I'm so sorry for your loss, and all the utter shitness of it all.
Have a virtual hug xflowers

Orange1969 Wed 03-Feb-16 09:25:02

So sorry thanks

I remember your first thread. Winston's Wish are very good at supporting a child through a bereavement.

For you, I can recommend the book "A Special Scar".

My sister didn't commit suicide per say, but she refused dialysis treatment and died. She had learning disabilities which made the situation very difficult and complicated. I found the book v helpful.

Disgusted at those twats spreading rumours about you!

UnderTheGreenwoodTree Wed 03-Feb-16 09:46:09

thanks I'm so sorry for what you're going through, it must be agony for you and your dc. Your story has brought tears to my eyes.

I would say your DD's (and indeed your DS's) reaction is fairly typical - your DS hasn't processed it yet, and your DD has reacted with the real fear of losing other loved ones. My DD reacted similarly to the death of my Dad when she was 6.

It is all so shit dealing with probate and practical matters like the sale of houses, when you just need time and space to process your loss and grieve. I hope you have some real life support to help with this. Someone who can help you with the horrible paperwork?

Your MIL is suffering horrific loss too, and will be lashing out - you are not to blame, but sometimes people like to put the blame on others. I hope she will come round soon.

Calming brew for you.

mummytime Wed 03-Feb-16 10:07:07

Do try to get some professional help for your DC - they are so young that they have no language to express what they feel. A good play therapist would be ideal.

Do you have any allies who will stand up for you?

Otherwise, just take help that is offered, keep your head up and KOKO.

Oh and never be afraid of crying on people - it will happen and it's totally understandable.

Ohfourfoxache Wed 03-Feb-16 14:30:04

Mama I just wanted to tell you that I'm thinking of you and your beautiful DC. Your mil is lashing out, but that doesn't make it right. Hopefully some of dh's friends will find the strength and ability to calm the situation.

Sending you and enormous <hug> xx

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Thu 04-Feb-16 07:44:01

I also read your first thread. Have been thinking of you all

An awful time for you all. Ignore those rumours, people always like to get involved!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 04-Feb-16 07:48:50

You poor thing
It sounds like you were doing your absolute best to support him whilst also protecting your children from his illness. You didn't abandon him, you cared for him as best you could. Your mil is misguided but grieving. Who can you get on side to counter the nasty rumours?
There was nothing you could have done to stop him and it wasn't your fault.

RoomForASmallOne Thu 04-Feb-16 07:48:50

Mama I often think of you.
X

MamaTeeTee Thu 04-Feb-16 08:30:55

Anyone that knows me well dismisses the rumours as soon as they're brought up. Anyone you knows me well knows my views on cheating and knows how family orientated I am. I couldn't do it to DH, the DC or myself.
The DC and I are on holiday this week in Somerset. It's just what we needed. We miss him so much. He would have loved this. I Need him. It's bloody hard work trying to be the fun parent and the sensible parent lol.
We buried his ashes last week (didn't realise how emotional that would be. For me that was worse than the funeral). So we now have a plot for him in our local cemetery and a place for us to go. DC have been asking if he's been buried yet so I'm going to take them there on the weekend.
We are moving house at the end of the month and i then need to spruce up the house we live in now ready to put on the market once probate is sorted. I'm hoping the mortgage can be frozen until the house sells as i just can't afford it by myself.

I love him with all my heart. There's no love on this planet quite like ours. I miss him so much it aches.

Unsurechicken Thu 04-Feb-16 10:02:12

Mama I remember your first post I remember reading the news online but I appear to have missed they found your husbands body. I so so glad they did I'm so glad you can out him to rest and you have somewhere to take the children to talk to him. These rumors are stupid and I do wonder sorry but if your mil is behind them I remember her not passing on information to you.

Do keep your head up high you've done to wrong and there was nothing you could do to stop your husband. Live a good and strong life for your self and your baby's

Take care of yourself. flowers

petalsandstars Thu 04-Feb-16 10:02:42

Mama you are in my thoughts too flowers

I'd try to keep your distance from MIL for the time being. Her wake behaviour is disgusting and spreading rumours just vicious.

SleepIsForTheWeakAnyway Thu 04-Feb-16 10:23:02

I saw your other thread and I think of you often mama. You are doing great.

My dsis dp died in an accident at home whilst dsis was in hospital with their baby. She had to break into their home to find him. The only thing more horrific then losing the man she loved was his mothers response. She told everyone he committed suicide because dsis made his life hell (suicide was dismissed by the police who attended, his GP and the coroner). The mother lost not only her ds but her dgs too because my dsis had to go nc. It was the only way she could continue to put one foot in front of the other after her loss.

It was a horrific time for all of us but dsis is doing amazing now. She surrounded herself with people who cared and she got through it.

Continue to be kind to yourself. You and your DC will get through too flowers

QOD Thu 04-Feb-16 15:14:37

Your mil will.drive the kids out of her life if she's not careful confused
so sad for you all

MamaTeeTee Thu 04-Feb-16 15:32:42

It's so so sad.
DC and I just let off some balloons for DH. The messages they wrote on them just broke my heart a little more.
I feel guilty for having any kind of enjoyment in life. It's scares me that it's my birthday soon and in a few years I'll be older than DH. Stupid shit that occupies my brain.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Thu 04-Feb-16 19:35:07

It's not stupid. It's normal. Every milestone will have you thinking about him, it's only to be expected, you are coping brilliantly

How is mil being with you? Do you have support and family ?

Wolfiefan Thu 04-Feb-16 19:40:25

I too remember your last thread. You are being so amazingly strong.
Really hope the mortgage can be frozen.
Xx

MamaTeeTee Thu 04-Feb-16 20:11:03

Most of DHs friends may as well have dropped off the face of the planet since the funeral. Many of them didn't even speak to me at the funeral. Oddly, the ones who didn't speak to me are so wrapped up in the world of drugs and substance abuse so maybe they too are reluctant to admit that it was drugs that did this to DH and its easier to blame me.
A family member of mine said to me the other day that MIL is blaming me and refusing the acknowledge that DH had a drug problem because she knew and did fuck all to help him.
Maybe everyone's blaming me to ease their own conscience.
DHs best friend who was DHs best man at our wedding has disappointed me. DH always said that if anything ever happened to DH, it would be this friend who would look after me. Ive not heard a peep since the funeral. He was one of the bearers at the funeral and once the coffin was placed down at the front of the crematorium I ran up to him and gave him a huge hug. And I haven't spoken to him since.

I'm fed up of trying with people. I have my own friends so I don't Need DHs. My friends have been truly amazing. DH stopped my contact with a group of my friends after we got back together when we split up 4 years ago. Those friends have come running back to my rescue and have just been amazing. One of DHs truly loyal friends has been texting me and popped over to the house to check on us on Saturday.
You really do find out who your friends are in this situation. My family are also incredible. I haven't been particularly close to them the last few years. DHs family has always been my family. So it is nice to be close with my mum again.

I'm really praying the mortgage can be frozen. Ive done the sums today and I really can't afford it. I'm still waiting for my tax credits claim and widowed parents allowance claim to go through and even when they do, I still can't afford it. The mortgage company refuse to talk to me until the probate goes through as it is only in DHs name. It's such a mess.

remembermewhen Thu 04-Feb-16 20:17:47

I remember reading that,
Last I saw you hadn't found him so I'm glad at least that part has happened,
You must be devastated.
Your poor family,
Drink & drugs are horrendous & affect so many, it's such a bastard trap to fall into & so hard to get out of.
So much love for you & your DC xx

timelytess Thu 04-Feb-16 20:25:06

flowers. I don't know what to say. I believe that the love you had, you still have, both yours for him and his for you. I'm sorry this happened and I hope that the practicalities sort themselves out. xxx

hardheadedwoman Thu 04-Feb-16 23:53:42

I read your thread over new year. I'm so sorry for the awful time you are having, you sound amazing. Do let everyone know (including us on this thread) if there is anything practical we can do to help

giraffesCantFly Fri 05-Feb-16 00:07:17

be kind to yourself xxx

Mypubesarestraight Fri 05-Feb-16 00:09:31

thanks

Lolimax Fri 05-Feb-16 17:42:41

Hi mama I've found you again. It was nice to read your news, I have been thinking about you and your DC's. I'm glad you've been able to get away with them. It's funny how you only find out out who your real friends are when the chips are down.

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