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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Overwhelming sadness and missing my wonderful DH

33 replies

Bluebell66 · 10/07/2015 16:59

I lost my wonderful DH two years ago to lung cancer. He was diagnosed in the November and passed away the following May, one week after his 51st birthday. My DS was 16 and my DD 13. I miss him so much I ache. I was crying when my DD came home from school this afternoon, something I really try and avoid, but the aching, overwhelming sadness and loneliness just washes over me sometimes. I miss the way things were when we were a family of four and all the things we used to do, and the fun we used to have. My heart breaks every day that my DC have lost their beloved Daddy. They adored him. My DS, now 18, has Aspergers. He is very bright, but socially isolated. His Dad was his best, and only friend. How am I ever going to get through this and come out the other side?

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cdwales · 10/07/2015 19:15

Dear Bluebell66,
I was very moved to read this and hear about the pain you are all suffering.
You will no doubt know the things they say about bereavement and I have some experience of CRUSE and the companionship they offer. But that takes time and so I simply want to share something which has helped me to cope with the sudden death of my beloved mother five years ago (and that is a painful calculation as time marches on relentlessly.)
I had a calendar made of my favourite photos of her - with her children and grandchildren and my Dad. I look at her often and think what she would be thinking and saying if she was here with me now and saw how I was 'coping'. I know that she would not want me to feel so 'wrenched around' but would reassure me that she was OK and would de facto always be with me and that she wanted me to get on with this new era and do the children proud! I do realise that she would be particularly concerned about the children and would want me to get sorted so as not to harm them... But I also know that our little 'conversations' are now unique - just between me and her and that her voice is genuine (I can't kid myself about what she would say!!!).
This has helped me.
With very best wishes.

Bluebell66 · 11/07/2015 12:27

Thank you so much cd - and I'm so sorry for yor loss. That sounds like a lovely thing to do, but at the moment I'm finding looking at photos just too painful. It just makes me miss him more. I have thought about CRUSE and did actually email them, but got no response. I know I have to be strong and somehow keep going for the DC, but it's so, so hard.

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Mermaidhair · 11/07/2015 12:57

I'm on this same journey to. My gorgeous dh passed away March last year from cancer. He was only 43. I have the same thoughts as you to. The only thing that has helped me is knowing that we will be together again, for eternity in heaven. Everyday I try my hardest to make him proud, I am now looking after our children and that gives me a lot of comfort that I still have a part of him. Get good at being busy! I am super busy always. I am super excited knowing eventually it will be my time, and I will see him again. I am a Christian and my faith has saved my life. I was terribly suicidal in the early days, the only thing that stopped me was our children. I knew he would be angry at me for leaving them, and I obviously couldn't put our babies through more grief. I am so sorry for your loss. Half of all couples will experience it, it's hard when it's to early. Know that it is normal to miss him and feel sad. A big hug to you.

Bluebell66 · 11/07/2015 18:19

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply Mermaid. It's such a relief to talk to someone who knows how I feel and I'm so sorry you're on this tragically sad journey too. The only thing that keeps me going is my two DC. They are my life and even though I struggle with suicidal thoughts every day, I could never leave them. They have been through too much pain in their young lives already. I do try and keep busy, and most of the time I do, but some days I just feel so overwhelmed with grief and loneliness it all gets too much. I miss him so much and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. Sending hugs.

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Mermaidhair · 12/07/2015 02:15

Bluebell I'm really sorry you are having suicidal thoughts. They are awful. I have been exactly there. I'm glad to hear you would never act on them. Remember they are only a thought, although very distressing. It shows you are missing your dh very much. I had to change my mindset. I don't know if this will help you, but I started going along to a pentacostal church. The people were amazing. It also gave me the bigger picture of knowing about heaven, and know I would eventually be there with my dh. Also being greatful for what I do have, we are so much better off than most of the world. It's hard when you are a mum, you are carrying your children's grief also. Please feel free to pm if you ever feel like it. I'm in Australia, but will always get back to you. I have a mantra, "do whatever is needed to survive". If it's take away or no dinner it's takeaway. Sometimes the house gets messy, sometimes I say no to things etc. I also put time limits on my grief, like today after I drop the children to scho I can cry all day long but it stops at 3pm. But it's also ok to let your babies see you cry sometimes. It hurts like hell. X

Bluebell66 · 12/07/2015 06:40

That's so true Mermaid, I have often described this whole situation as a living hell. I was crying when my DD cane home from school on Friday. She's 15 and she's amazing, she's been so strong herself, but I know how much she hurts and how much she misses her Daddy. She has had issues with self harming, and although I know it's unrealistic for the DC never to see me upset, and they know how much I miss their Daddy, I don't want to add to their burden. On the other hand, I do think if they see me upset, it's giving them permission to shown their feelings. I sometimes think they keep it all hidden because they don't want to upset me anymore than I already am. It's so complicated, you're not just grieving for your DH, you're grieving for your DC, the loss of your family life, all the things you were going to do together and the stability and security. I feel so vulnerable and fragile all the time. Because it was just over two years ago for me now, people seem to have forgotten and assume I have "recovered" and moved on. How wrong could they be? This isn't something you ever "get over", but I just hope it will eventually become easier to live with. Love and hugs x

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Rosebaywillowherb · 13/07/2015 01:02

Hope you don't mind me- my husband died 2 years ago this month- I am struggling so much - my children are adults- they were devestated at the time but seem to cope now- I hate it - I feel so cheated and angry- it's like all the colour has gone out of my world. My faith is not good - a few years ago I when my dad died - I really believed we would see each other again but I don't believe that now- nothing to do with my husbands deTh - my faith had diminished before then, my husband was 55 went to work and just died- no reason - an artery blocked at the wrong moment. He was fit and healthy- I keep reliving going to the hospital - his boss took me - I was laughing expecting him to be sitting up in bed moaning about people fussing - I had no idea that he had died instantly. I miss him so much and can't bare living for another 20/30 years without him.i want him back for all the little things.

Bluebell66 · 13/07/2015 07:53

Rosebay, my heart goes out to you. I relate 100% to everything you've said. I worry endlessly about having to live the rest of my life without my precious DH. He wasn't just my DH, he was my best friend. I seem to miss him more and more as time goes on. I don't know where this thing comes from when people say it takes two years to get over a bereavement. I'm just over two years now, and I feel worse. I ache for him and for us to be a family of four again and for my DC to have their Daddy back. I miss all the fun we used to have. He was my soul mate, now I just feel hollow and empty. People say I'm young and I'll meet someone else. They just don't get it do they? I'm thinking of you Rosebay and sending you love and hugs. We have to be strong, we don't have a choice. It's my DC that keep me going and give me a purpose. Like you, I'm so angry that my DH had his life ripped away from him, I lost my DH way too soon, and my DC lost their Daddy. It's a living hell.

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flashfalshflash · 13/07/2015 16:25

I am a widow too, but I am further along the journey you are on. My husband died of an inoperable brain tumor seven years ago.

I have found www.merrywidow.me.uk/ very helpful. People posting on the site are in the same situation we are and I have found over the years all the feelings I have experienced someone else there has too. It makes you feel less lonely.

There is also WAY (widowed and young), and Way Up, for those over 50. All these organisations have meet-ups or you can post for advice (on MW this is, I am not sure about WAY or WAY up as I just met some of the other people in the pub a couple of times earlier in my bereavement), or just read the message board if that is what you want to do. I have found that things get better very gradually. Having access to people who know what you are going through does help.

Bluebell66 · 13/07/2015 16:50

Thank you for that Flash. I'm so sorry to hear about the tragic loss of your husband. I know how painful it is. I will definitely have a look at both of those organisations. How are you doing now?

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flashfalshflash · 15/07/2015 16:32

It does get better as time passes Bluebell, I am sorry that is a bit of a cliche. It is hard to believe early on but you do find the grief becomes less of a rollercoaster. I hope you find Merry Widow and the other sites useful. X

Petridish · 15/07/2015 16:39

I'm so very sorry.

Bereavement is one of life's hardest, if not the hardest, challenge.

You must miss your dh so badly.

My ds died young some years back and I miss her terribly.

Bluebell66 · 15/07/2015 20:30

I'm so sorry Petridish, you obviously know from bitter experience. I miss him desperately " and as time goes on, it seems to get worse, not better. Hugs to you xx

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Mermaidhair · 21/07/2015 09:37

How are you bluebelle ? I'm having an awful time Grief is such a roller coaster. It's strange I feel so so sad, but I can't cry.

Bluebell66 · 22/07/2015 18:10

I'm so sorry Mermaid. It really is a rollercoaster, one that you desperately want to get off. I'm struggling too. I started having CBT, and had my third session yesterday. I was trying to explain how I will never be able to move on because I will always be in love with my DH. She said how can you be in love with someone who isn't here? It's really made me think, but I'm sure you understand how I feel. She asked me what my DH would want me to do. I said that we had many conversations before he passed away, and he wanted me to have another life and be happy again. I said I feel that if I allow myself to start moving on, and build a new life, I will be being disloyal to him. She said that I am maybe being disloyal to him by not moving on because that's what he wanted me to do. It's so, so complicated. It all runs round and round my head in never ending circles. I am slowly trying to do things. I have started going walking again, and I have been doing abit of gardening, but it's so hard to get any motivation. Are you managing to do things Mermaid, is there anything that distracts you for a short while? Sending you hugs xx

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Mermaidhair · 24/07/2015 10:00

Thank you bluebelle. I am still madly in love with my dh to. Are we strange for being in love with someone who isn't here any more? I know my dh still exists, but it is hard being in love with someone you can't see or touch. I can relate to everything you say. My dh wanted me to move on and remarry. I know that he was so worried about me, and he didn't want me to be alone. I have tried dating again, then I realised I was trying to find another him! Nobody could compare. For now I am happy just bringing up our children. I have a different outlook on death now, it use to scare me but now I am excited for when it is my time. I promised him I wouldn't die until our youngest was 21. I have battled very bad suicidal thoughts, but I'm to scared that I won't get into heaven. I'm starting grief counselling on Monday. I have a funny feeling that I haven't fully felt his passing yet. I haven't been able to distract myself much. I'm only now just starting to clean the house again after a few weeks of doing barely anything.

Mermaidhair · 24/07/2015 12:53

I've just read about a condition called "complicated grief". Apparently it's grief that is still raw 2 years after losing a loved one. It's a silly name, it isn't very complicated. It's called "I have lost my dh and I am grieving"!

ssd · 24/07/2015 21:27

I hope you dont mind me posting here girls. I come on this board as I lost my mum and there is an on going thread that is so helpful, but I read this one and wanted to post. First of all I wanted to say I'm really really sorry for all the losses here. I know thats only words, but I mean it. Second I just wanted to say of course you can be in love with someone who isnt here, I find that a really insensitive thing for the CBT counsellor to say to you bluebell. And you know your dh would want you to move on and not to hurt, but you just cant, not now and maybe not for a very long time. And again, I think thats totally normal. I think when you've suffered such a deep deep loss its hard to understand how utterly bereft you must feel, the counsellor just doesnt sound like she understands that. Grief to me is totally isolating and utterly lonely. And theres no right or wrong,no way you should be, no timescale when it all works out and things get better. Theres just no rhyme or reason how it goes. Its a case of getting through and no more.

I'm starting to ramble so I'll shut up now. I just wanted to say sorry and how you are all feeling on this thread sounds totally and utterly understandable to me. And theres nothing worse than people expecting you to get over it. As if that'll happen. You just get better at living with it, very gradually.

xx

WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo · 26/07/2015 10:47

I lost my husband in February, he was fit and well, the same as Rosebay's. He had a sudden brain haemorhage. I too have an 18 year old DS with Aspergers.
I feel so sad and lonely sometimes; raging with anger at others.
The frustration about the unfairness of it - we should have had another 25 years...

Bluebell66 · 26/07/2015 18:02

Mermaid, my CBT has diagnosed me with Complicated Grief. I tick every box, still yearning for my DH two years on, going over and over everything that happened, the anger, the frustration, being unable to accept he's gone. Sadly, giving the condition a name doesn't make it any easier to bear. Ssd - of course we don't mind you posting. I am so sorry for the loss of your Mum. You clearly have such an understanding of how we feel and speak so much truth. Thank you. WhereDoAll - I totally understand everything you have said. I am so sorry you too are going through this living hell, because that's exactly what it is. My anger and resentment is still so strong, and I know my tolerance towards other people has gone down. I used to be so calm and so tolerant but somehow I don't think I'll ever be that way again. When people are complaining about trivial things, I feel like screaming at them, "try standing in my shoes, just for five minutes". This has changed me so much, but then how can it not? How are you coping with your son, and how is he doing? My son is struggling and has recently been put on ADs to help with his extreme anxiety and depression. He is totally isolated as he has no friends. His Dad was his only friend, and it breaks my heart every day that he's no longer here and my DS is so lonely. I do as much as I can with him, but I obviously can't fill his Dad's shoes. Thinking of you and sending you hugs xx

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Mermaidhair · 27/07/2015 00:02

Hi bluebelle im sorry I don't know what to say about your diagnosis. Relief in a way that you now have something to work with, but sad that it will be difficult. We all have so much in common. I have 4 children. The eldest 2 were my dh step children, but he considered them his own. My ds17 has Tourette's syndrome, depression, anxiety and I am very sure autism. I am having a difficult time with him at the moment. Both boys were diagnosed with ptsd. for the other posters, I'm so glad you found this thread and my sincere condolences to you all. My son to has been put on anti depressants. Bluebelle I don't know what services there are in the uk(assuming that's where you are). Is there any kind of "big brother" programme etc that could help give your son an older male to help guide him and give him friendship? I really really feel for you. It is so hard watching your children struggle. My youngest 2 attend church with me and they have an incredible youth programme. They each have a youth leader that they spend time with at least weekly. Love to you all

WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo · 27/07/2015 16:01

Thank you Bluebell. My son seems to cope better than me. He can compartmentalise his emotions I think. I worry about his social isolation. He was supposed to go to university after year 13 but he is staying in school for another year (did 2 a levels this year and will do the other 2 next year). I am pleased he will be at home for another year.

PtolemysNeedle · 31/07/2015 19:10

I'm so truly sorry for all of you that are having to live without your beloved husbands. It's just so harsh.

I lost my beautiful DH almost a year ago now, I can hardly believe it's been that long already. He went to work and just died very suddenly like your husbands Rosebay and Calculators, and I too have a teenage son who has aspergers, but my dc were my DHs step children.

Sometimes I feel strong and like I can cope with living my life without my DH, because I was blessed to have him and to feel the love we had, that I still have for him, but sometimes it just hurts so much it's like a knife has been slashed through everything that makes me me and it's never going to heal.

My faith has grown since he left this life, and I believe I will see him again when I die.

Bluebell, I'm shocked that a counsellor has said some of those things to you, she clearly hasn't got a clue. Love doesn't just stop because you can't see someone anymore, because they still exist in so many ways. The 'what would your DH want you to do' question really bugs me. To me, that would be the time, if any, to point out that he's not here. What my DH would have wanted can't really come into it that much, because he wouldn't have wanted to leave me a widow in my thirties in the first place. Yes, he would want me to go on and be happy, that much is obvious knowing the life we planned together and the love we shared, but death came and got in the way of what my DH wanted - that's the problem!!!

onlyjoking9329 · 15/08/2015 12:24

Hello Bluebell, sorry for your loss and everyone else on here too.
Grief is always complicated.
Like flash, my DH died 7 years ago from a brain tumour, he had aspergers and our three children, now adults have autism.
I second WAY, I have made many friends there.
Things change over time, the new normal was never welcomed but over time I've come to accept it.
I've had people say they know how I feel cos they are divorced or their DH works away, it really is not the same. There's a choice or decision to divorce,a DH working away is again a choice.
The thing I found hard was not having someone to talk to at the beginning and end of the day, no one to toss ideas and plans around with, no one that was as proud of the children.
Time moves on and we can't change that, I'm not sure it gets easier, it just gets different and we get used to the situation that wasn't our choosing.
There's a stark contrast from doing everything for them when the illness is terminal it takes up each minute and thought, I didn't know what to do with my time and focus, took me a while to remember what I used to like doing.
I found getting new interests discovering new things helpful.

secondchapter · 16/08/2015 21:13

Hi Bluebell It is one year since my beloved dh died very suddenly and I found that I did not function at all for several months. I have been in counselling for some time, and I am just starting to think that maybe I don't need to be doing this any more, just a gradual realisation that I would like to save the time and do something more tangible. I find it hard to cope working full time and think that I am not running the house or parenting the children as well as I would like. The grief however is not as all encompassing as it was. I read the other day that grief comes in waves; at first the waves are 100ft and come constantly. Later the waves are slightly more spaced or slightly shorter, then the waves start to come in a more predicable pattern: anniversaries, birthdays, visiting special places. I found this helpful. I realised that I am no longer reliving the day all the time, and I am functioning on some levels. Sorry for everyone's loss. It is not at all like divorce or working away :(

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