losing a sibling - sadness and anger

[babbinocaro]

My younger brother died a a few months ago - I feel such sadness and anger - his suffering was immense- late diagnosis of cancer, slow, slow everything re diagnosis, sent home without adequate pain relief, readmitted to hospice, lots of care there and heaps of morphine but all too fucking late. He naively thought that the NHS would help him...but he seemed to be on the fasttrack to delay and watchful waiting when he was obviously seriously ill. Left with the contrasting memories of an irrepressiblly cheeky cuddly small boy and an impossibly strong and impossibly emaciated still young man clinging on to life. Don't think this will ever lose its emotional impact for me, my parents and the rest of my siblings. No platitudes please.

[daisychain01]

I'm so sorry to read about your loss babbincaro.

I am likely to lose my DBro to cancer in the not too distant future. I feel the heartbreak I can empathise so much. I am sitting in the living room of my SIL and DBro at the moment and could just burst into tears at his suffering.

You have the burden of knowing his illness was mismanaged on many levels.

The only thing I can suggest (which is what I am having to tell myself) is to try not to remember your darling sibling at the end of his life, but when he was at his absolute best, at the pinnacle of his life, whenever that was. That was your DBro not how he was when he was sick.

[PuddingandPie1]

I'm with Daisychain on this. I try to remember Stephen (my twin who died 50+ years ago) as a youngster playing football with his friends in the playground at school. Not, not, not the youngster who then died on his way home.

[LuckyBitches]

I too lost my younger brother to cancer a few months back. He was overseas when he became ill, and received a lot of medical attention. My feelings regarding treatment are sort of the opposite to yours, in that I wonder if the hospital did too much - that it was my brother's treatment that killed him. We'll never know - either way nothing would change the horror and sadness of the situation.

I'm not completely sure what my point is really, but I do want you to know that your not alone. Sibling grief seems to be particularly lonely.

[daisychain01]

Lucky, I am so very sad for your loss . it's incredible you said that about the hospital doing too much. I have had that fear about my DBro. I'm in US at the moment (sitting in the hospital during DBro's treatment) and I do worry how much they are medicating and giving such a big cocktail of drugs. It is scared but it shows how little I know about the current cancer regime.

I have the fear that you described but SIL is fantastic as she is medically trained and they are possibly doing "a lot" because they are pre-empting things so it seems like a barrage. Very scarey but I'm just trying to hold it all together right now.

[pudding] how very sad you lost your DBro far too soon. Sorry

I agree Lucky that the loss of a sibling is terribly poignant as they are the closest person you can have, in blood line and that brings with it a massive significance seeing them suffer.

[Feellikescrooge]

It is awful to loose a sibling. My DB died in October 14 after falling off his bike. Brain bleed a few weeks later. So sorry for you all xm

[cottageinthecountry]

Without wishing to enter a competition here, I lost 3 brothers within 5 years. One to cancer, who had terrible care. It was important that I found out why his care was poor and that has made me less angry. The other thing that helped in a way was understanding that the fitter the body, the more rapid the decline in that the cancer cells are more able to reproduce. My Dad struggled on for years with it because he was old, where DB died within 6 months.

I saw them both die and the memory comes back less often now, it was traumatic and I wouldn't wish it on anyone but I could not have just not been there for them for my own comfort. It is a gruesome thing to witness, OP don't underestimate the effect it has and give yourself time and a pat on the back for being there for your brother.

I hope that sharing this helps in some way.

What has been far worse was the other two who died suddenly, intestate, with children left behind. We are only just starting to pick ourselves off the floor. My Mum, well, I can't even go there.

[Strokethefurrywall]

Oh I feel your pain OP and all other posters here - I was you a couple of years back. I lost my younger brother in pretty much the same scenario - back pain which turned out to be a germ cell testicular cancer. From diagnosis to death was 15 months and even though he had an entire team of amazing NHS doctors fight for his survival, he was the very unlucky 5% that couldn't make it through. He was 28 and just married.
His loss has devastated us, and continues to devastate us. His last days haunt me, remembering him as a totally unrecognizable person, suffering so badly and not being able to do anything about it. I weep when I think about how utterly terrified he must have been and how strong he was.
The only thing that helped me was to realize that after he passed I no longer had to grieve over his pain. His pain was gone. I just had to deal with my own grieve at his loss.
I am so, truly sad for you and your family's - it brings it all back reading that someone is going through the same thing we did. All I can hope is that you know that I am sitting here on the other side of the world, thinking of you and wishing you strength at such an awful time.
Please PM me if you would like

[babbinocaro]

Thanks for your kind messages and support and wishing you peace and acceptance. Visited my parents this weekend, watched a video of my older brother's 50th birthday. My younger brother was in the video looking v. Ill but smiling as the candles were blown out, knowing as he must have that he would never reach that milestone...I imagine him almost being amused at his embarrassed to be so old brother. Such a brave and dignified man.. will always miss him.

[PuddingandPie1]

My twin brother died in 1964 from an asthma attack on the way home from our primary school. Looking back I don't think that I was ever given any support after Stephen died. I was confused at the funeral as to why nobody spoke to me to find out how I was feeling and I was confused why birthday parties were deemed to be "unseemly" for years after Stephen died. Close to zero support from the school, Stephen became a non-person, never to be mentioned again. We had twin desks in the classroom and of course he and I had been put together but after he died I just sat at the same double desk on my own.

Mum was allowed, even encouraged, by the family and the community to show emotion but Dad and I were expected to do the old stiff upper lip job. The years after Stephen died were the worst years of my life - partly because so many folk ran around sorting Mum out never noticing the sad youngster who wasn't even allowed to mourn. It isn't surprising that I ended up bitterly resenting Stephen for years, certainly well into my 20s. Every nice thing that ever happened to me seemed to be tainted by his death and I, stupidly, started thinking that I didn't matter to my parents.

I "lost" my Mother the day Stephen died in the sense that she never recovered from his death. She was restless and sad for the rest of her life becoming ever more estranged from the rest of us. There was a short spell after I got married when I thought she was getting better but it didn't last. She never saw my children, through her own choice, and I saw her no more than half a dozen times in the last 5 years of her life. My Dad who "had" to bottle it all up went on to find happiness in his life, but only after he divorced my Mum!

The only even slightly paranormal event of my 60+ years happened when visiting Stephen’s grave! Last year I went to his grave for the first time in 10 years. As I left I told him, as in out loud, that I didn’t think I would be coming back again but that one day perhaps we would meet up along with our parents. As I walked away I heard children's laughter as they played in the school playground opposite the church. It was just as if Stephen was saying goodbye!

[Nervo]

So many sad stories here.

I too, lost my wee brother to cancer. Like your brother's Babbinocaro, his diagnosis was late and his treatment brutal. He was 32.

It took a long time to think of him as his younger self. For months after his death I would dream about him in his dying state. One night I dreamt about him strong.

It's been almost 5 years. My life goes in waves. I can and do feel happy sometimes. Other times, I go for days feeling very emotional and down.

You are right - it never loses its emotional impact.

[mummylin2495]

I also lost a sibling when she was 26 yrs old from Asthma. This week she will of been dead as long as she lived. I remember that most people did not give much support to us her siblings who had also suffered a great loss.

[cottageinthecountry]

I spent more time with one of my DBs than anyone else had, including his own children, his wife, our mother. I don't think anyone else considered that at all. Parents get a lot of support, partners and children get support, all rightly so, but siblings (and ex partners as well probably) get very little.

[SkyBlueSky]

I am so sorry OP and PPs for all your pain and loss. My DSis is very sick, also in her 30s, cancer with a late diagnosis and misinformation along the way. We've just found out her cancer has now possibly spread from the colon and liver to her lungs. I am bracing myself. Her decline has been very rapid and I'm a long way away. I've just spent a week with her and my dd wouldn't go near her just to compound all of our misery. I'm just trying to think of ways to remind her of who she is. She keeps apologising of all things. I think she needs me to not give up but all we've had is bad news after bad news. To plagiarise pp - I sincerely wish you all peace and acceptance.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Grief is different for everyone I know but I felt a piece of me had died when I lost my parents so I can't imagine my DSis not being here. Reading this section has helped me to know there are certain shared experiences even when we feel very alone.

[bearleftmonkeyright]

Hi, I lost my youngest DB in 1998, he was 20. It was a car accident and my oldest DB was driving. From that moment my oldest DB was lost too drink and drugs for many years and is now recovering. I think the shock is difficult to understand and I think he had ptsd. Be kind to yourself. The grief can crush you.

[Nervo]

SkyBlueSky - I read your post with tears in my eyes. When my brother was diagnosed with colon cancer it had spread to his liver, lungs and stomach lining. He didn't stand a chance.

My dd was 4 when he died. She thought he had grown old.

Now, though, all of her feelings are of love and loss.

I won't ever tell her that she was once scared of him.

[SkyBlueSky]

Nervo straight back at you with the tears. I'm so sorry you and your loved ones had to go through that. What a devastating diagnosis for your DB and so so young.

We still have a bit of hope that the lungs are clear and you've made me very very grateful for that. My DC seemed to be the only thing that put a smile on her face, so I just desperately wanted them to be the same with DSis and urge her on a bit. That's a lot to put on a toddler I know.

What you said made me realise that at the very least I can promise to DSis that we will remember her at her best. And that I need to spend as much time with her as I can. Thank you for that.

[PuddingandPie1]

There is a very long running thread where members record the details of their deceased brothers and sisters. Perhaps posters to this thread might like to add names to the roll of honour.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/1129004-Remembering-with-love-all-our-departed-brothers-and-sisters-The-angel-inside-us

[Feellikescrooge]

I am surprised that the impact my DB's death has had on me. I have lost my DH and DM in the past four years yet DB dying has had the worst impact. Perhaps it is cumulative but I feel like I have lost my childhood; we were such chums. So very sad.

[cottageinthecountry]

scrooge the thing is we spend an awful lot of time with our siblings as children. I have lost three but the one I was closest to I miss very deeply. I spent more time with him than my parents did, went to school together, knew all ins and outs of each others lives, confided in each other. It's not surprising we miss those close siblings a lot.