As we go through this painful journey together

(984 Posts)
lavandes Sun 10-Feb-13 21:24:05

As we go through this painful journey together we share, cry, scream and shout but we never judge, we know that there is always someone to listen. We always remember our precious children who will never be forgotten and will live on forever in our hearts.

frasersmummy Tue 12-Feb-13 10:44:17

morning everyone.. Ross is with grandad today and I took the day off to catch up with housework/watch a movie/ chill

But realised that today is mum and dads wedding anniversay- well would have been so I am taking Dad to the cemetary... for those of you who dont know Frasers garden is right next to Mums. Its nice because I feel Mum is looking after Fraser (though it should be me) but on the other hand it feels like I cant just go "see mum" or go "see Fraser" for one one time

I am going to buy my boy a new windmill before we go ... last time I was there his bright red and yellow windmill was bleached pure white by the sun

I find as the years go by I visit Frasers garden less and less.. it used to bring me comfort.. it doesnt any more. So today I dont feel like visiting .. really bad I know but I know I can say that on here and not be judged
But I cant go visit mum's garden without visiting my boy..

I have just read that back and it makes hee haw sense hopefully you get some of what I mean

My lads are next to my Grandma & Grandad. I know what you mean FM - xx

Cant get Jamie Bulger out of my head today. I watched his Mum being interviewed yesterday. Her eyes were 'hollow', emotionless and 'dead' - only another bereaved Mum would have even noticed that or recognised her own as the same. She struggled to not lose her temper. She said that one of her sons (I think he is about 19/20) has never travelled alone on a bus or train and she isin't going to allow it either. Some people on my facebook were saying thats ridiculous - NO ITS NOT!!

Rosduk Tue 12-Feb-13 12:40:01

Remembering my baby boy Thomas died 23/11/12. You should have been due next week. We miss you x

Morning. I didn't really take part in the other thread much, but I'm adding my details here regardless as I need your help today please. I am mum to Beatrice Primrose who died on 24th October 2012 aged 13 months.

My best friend, and I don't use the term lightly, she has been a rock to me throughout the entire 10 years I have known her, is 35 weeks pregnant with her first baby. She text me yesterday to inform me that she has been admitted to hospital with pre-eclampsia and her labour will be induced by Wednesday of next week at the latest (36 weeks pregnant).

Now, a real friend, a good friend would head straight to the hospital to spend time with their friend when they must be scared (first baby, not completely organised) and also bored. But oh no, not me. All I can think of is myself. The last time I was on the antenatal ward was at 36 weeks the night before Beatrice was born and I was told she was going to die. The last time I saw those midwives, was when I ventured back from SCBU for a couple of hours sleep in between holding my precious dd and crying for the future she wouldn't have. I don't think I can visit. I don't think I can be in that place again around all the pregnant women and the new babies who get to stay and live with their families.

My friend wouldn't ask me to visit. I text and said I would like to see her and she immediately said she would see if she could leave the ward to meet me for an hour. I hate that she is thinking of me. All her other friends will go to her bedside and offer her support the way a friend should, the way I would have done a couple of years ago.

And that is why I hate this bloody grief! It has turned me into a selfish, self-centered, monster. Some days I don't recognise the person looking back at me in the mirror, she can be so bitter and concerned only with herself and her feelings. I hate that version of me.

To top it off, I slept in the spare room last night as I was in a mess and didn't want to wake dh as he has to leave for work at 3am. Anyway, I woke to a text at 4am from dh begging me to go to the doctor as he is sick of hearing me cry every night. I am trying so hard, I promise. The GP has changed my tablets as my nightmares were getting so loud that my screaming was waking my other daughters up (aged 5 and 7), and I have asked the hospice for a counselor. I'm not sure what else to do when the tears come at night. I'm so tired of being me, a disappointing wife, failed mother and now terrible and unsupportive 'best' friend. I just feel like I don't belong here anymore.

MrsDeVere Tue 12-Feb-13 14:49:05

cup I couldn't go to visit any friends or family in any hospital for a few years after Billie died.
I felt bad about it too. Everyone understood because I was honest with them. I said how sorry I was and that I really did care but I was just impossible for me.

I made sure I was there for them in other ways.

Do you think you may have PTSD? The nightmares and flashbacks, the crying and anxiety are all symptoms.

Lots of bereaved parents suffer from PTSD and it can be treated.

You are not any of those horrible things you call yourself. You may not be superwoman but you are doing your best. If you really were the selfish person you think yourself to be, why would you care?

x

Thanks Mrs I'm sorry you couldn't visit a hospital either, but I'm glad I'm not the only one, if that makes sense?

I want to care, but then I worry I just don't care enough or I'd drag myself out of my funk and get my arse to the hospital to support my friend. The fact that she is supportive enough not to even ask me makes me question my own strength of character.

I've not even considered PTSD. Perhaps dh is right and it's time to head back to the GP...?

My5boysandme Tue 12-Feb-13 15:54:33

I can't go to the hospital Dexter died in either. I had to get any hospital appointments transferred to another hospital.
I've started having panic attacks these last few weeks, usually at bedtime. My dh wants to go it with his friends on Saturday night(he's not been out since Dexter died) he wants me to ask my mum to come sit with me, as he won't get in til 1-2am. But she would only stay til 10ish and the panic attacks are when I go to bed. I don't want to stop his going out, but I hate how dependent I've become on him. I also can't sleep without the light on in the bathroom, as soon as it gets pitch black the panic sets in. I think I may have to get 1 of the boys to sleep in with me and ope for the best.

MrsDeVere Tue 12-Feb-13 16:43:17

cup and My5*
I had my two youngest DCs at home just so I could avoid going into a hospital.
I could manage the GP to see the MW but no more than that.

The MW was kind but she didn't really get it. Until she made a phone call to the hospital during my appointment. I began to have a physical reaction, sweating, breathing rapidly, getting agitated..just because she was talking to a doctor.
She got it after that.

Cup it has taken me years to be able to deal with hospitals on any level and I have had lots of help. I am currently supporting a friend who is having chemo at the same hospital Billie was in.

There is NO way I could have done that even a year ago. Billie has been gone seven years in April.

There is hope but you need help darling. This is too big a thing to deal with on your own.

My5 that sounds really scary for you sad. I use valium for that sort of anxiety. Sometimes you need a bit of help x

frasersmummy Tue 12-Feb-13 17:04:24

cupoftea you are not a self centred monster.. you are a bereaved mummy

Of course you cant face the mat unit .. your little girl passed away less than 4 months ago... your grief is very new and very very raw

I hate to say but the way you are feeling now is completely normal.. yes speak to your gp see if they can give you something to take the edge off but it will hurt for a long while to come sweetheart

We are all on the same crappy path.. its a horrid one to walk but it does get easier as time goes on .. You dont get tripped up by as many things as you do in the early days. We do all stumble and we are all here to pick each other up

I know you feel anything like strong right now but you have made it through xmas and new year without your little girl... probs your worst festive season ever but you made it through and here you are thinking of your friend and trying to find ways to support her whilst coping with your own grief

You are doing soo well so far dont beat yourself up .. one step at a time honey and do whatever feels right for you ...

Thank you ladies.

frasersmummy I agree that my loss is recent in the grand scheme of things, but I don't get that impression from people around me. They all seem to expect the same of me as they did before Beatrice was born. I still have deadlines and responsibilities to meet at work, my family have all but given up contact with me and I hardly hear from them. I had a horrible run in with a parent at my dd1's school a couple of weeks ago that reduced me to tears- I was aghast that the head teacher, chair of governors and this parent had thought I had the energy and mental capability to go and face an interrogation. (Which I thought was going to address the parent's child bullying mine, but was actually a forum for her to berate my use of Facebook and for the Chair of governors to give her opinion on it too...) So you see, I still think a lot is expected of me when I sometimes want to throw my hands up in the air and scream, 'She's only been dead 3 months! Leave me the F**k alone!!)

<And breathe> Phew, that was cathartic!

travellingwilbury Tue 12-Feb-13 17:40:34

hello all , another one that has been awol . sorry x

cup , I also struggle with people in hospital or any medical crisis .
what people want is a hand to hold and someone to tell them they will be ok . I lost the ability to do that the day harry died . she sounds like a very good friend , she gets it , you will be there for her when she is home ans she sounds like she knows that .

Hiya Mrs D - I wanted to have Tom at home but they wouldn't allow it - and luckily they didn't - he had a hard time getting here. I totally understand you wanting home births - hospital is a scary place after the loss of a child xxxxxx

TW - great to see you here love xxx

travellingwilbury Tue 12-Feb-13 18:09:15

I wanted to have mine at home after harry , had the whole thing set up , drugs ready in the fridge abs pack upstairs but he was the size of a small hippo so I had to go to hospital and have a section . I coped but I hated being there and came home after two days .

zeno Tue 12-Feb-13 20:46:31

Another awol here. Feeling solidarity with you all.

I haven't visited dd's grave in 6 months. Can't bear it. No comfort there. No grave marker done yet and it's been four years.

Also feeling you all re hospitals. We had to go to the same hospital where dd1 died to bring dd2 into our world just weeks later. Mercifully blanked out by forgiving memory.

I hate going there, but every now and again we have to, past the room. Horrible.

SaintVera Tue 12-Feb-13 21:37:42

Hello ladies. cup in no way are you a failure. Grief seems to really chip away at self-esteem and self-worth. I feel pretty pointless most of the time. Low, low days. Just crap.

I used to be so hurt that other people just 'didn't get' my son's special needs and what it was to have a child with severe needs. I lost quite a few friends when I had DS. Now my SN parent friends just don't get my loss. They are drifting away, they don't call any more, I have to call them. And I don't have the energy. One of them contacted me on FB to tell me her news. She didn't even ask how I was doing. As if I am not even human.

It isn't so much living in limbo as in purgatory

twinklesunshine Tue 12-Feb-13 22:43:08

Cup my little boy died a year ago next month and I still cry myself to sleep most bigs. Some nights I get that hysterical that I have to get up again and spend the the night on the sofa watching tv to try and keep my mind off it. I have not seen my husband cry since we left the hospital when he died. Of course you are going to be upset, there is nothing you can do to stop it, it's just your emotions coming out and they have to come out somewhere. During the day there isn't always time for me to cry, I am that focused on getting through the day, and in bed I can kind of let it all go.

Your husband just feels really worried about you I am sure, and if he is grieving differently he may not understand the need to cry. We have got to the point where I spend so much time in tears that my husband doesn't even comfort me anymore, it's just expected that its what I am going to be like, and I am fine with that, it's my way of coping. You are doing your best and I have been following your posts and think you are coping really well under the circumstances.

As for going to the hospital, of course it's hard. I haven't been able to bring myself to go back to the one my little man died at. My friends little boy was admitted with bronchitis recently and I wanted to go, but I just couldn't. You are not a bad friend, you just maybe need to put yourself first, and try not to worry about everyone else. If you were your friend you wouldn't expect you to come and visit, and she sounds like a lovely friend who will bend over backwards to make you feel comfortable, and make things as easy as possible for you. You are not selfish at all, just sad. I have become really brutal about telling people what I can and can't cope with, to save my own sanity.

As frasersmummy said, it will hurt like this for a long time, but even though I have just described myself as a hysterical mess, I am actually coping much better than I ever dreamed possible, but only because I have to put myself first. At the beginning I was forcing myself into all sorts of upsetting situations, baby showers, birthday parties, school runs, now I only go to what I feel up to, and try and keep away from things that make me feel even worse.

You are doing the best you can under the most awful circumstances, give yourself a little break xxxxx

Morning girls - snow falling again here in Lancashire!

chipmonkey Wed 13-Feb-13 09:06:55

shabs, a lot of people also seem to have forgotten that James Bolger's parents also had a stillborn daughter before they had James. So she actually lost both of her children within a few short years. I would totally get why she didn't let her son out alone on public transport.

I only heard that a few days ago - so sad...so very sad. I watch her on TV and all I can see is her eyes. They look tired and emotionless and how she tries so hard to keep her voice even and controlled - when I bet she would love to shout and swear. This is a cruel world xx

chipmonkey Wed 13-Feb-13 09:36:06

Sorry, posted and ran!
cup I think I would not have been able for that attack even before Sylvie-Rose died. And over a year later, I still wouldn't be able for it. And I don't know how anyone thought you could cope with it.
And although I have visited the hospital where Sylvie-Rose died, I can't face the one where she lived. I never want to set foot in the place again and I hope to God none of the boys have dps/dws who want to give birth there.

Rosduk glad you found us again xx

frasersmummy Wed 13-Feb-13 14:26:29

Good afternoon from snowy Glasgow

cup is possible you are trying to hard to put a brave face on when you are around others

They see you "as really strong and coping really well" that always made me want to scream I am not strong I am falling apart cant you see that you idiots...

I know its obvious to anyone who has walked in our shoes but sometimes others need it spelled out to them

SaintVera Wed 13-Feb-13 15:18:13

just fallen apart in front of DH. Poor man, I feel for him having to put up with me. I feel I don't want to keep going like this. Every minute is a struggle and hardly anyone contacts me. I don't think I am such a bad person, but I feel as if I have done something so dreadful to deserve this hell

whiteandyelloworchid Wed 13-Feb-13 22:18:51

remembering my beautiful ds, not a day goes by when i don't think about you, don't miss you, wish so much you were here in my arms healthy and well
what fun we would have, so many things i wanted to do with you, take you on holiday, teach you to swim, see your face lit up at christmas, see you and dd together do arts and crafts with you, but just hug you and kiss you and love you all the time, snuggle up in bed with you in the mornings

your sister misses you alot, she found it very very tough, she's made you a valentines heart, shes painted red, orange and yellow, with your name inside, tomorrow we will be bringing it down to the churchyard for you, to place beside your grave
i have no idea if you really will be able to see it, but i hope you can
she loves you very much, as i do and your daddy does, and your grandparents and aunts and uncles

i'm struggling without you, i try and take each day as it comes but its hard, people around me just don't get how i feel, although a few precious few try very hard, and other not so nice people actually say things that make me feel worse, i try to avoid those

cannot believe it's almost a year, since you died in my arms, it was horrendeous watching you die before my eyes, while i and any drs were powerless to help you, all we could do was hold you and kiss you and love you.
i wish i could hold you again, i would never let you go.
hurt like hell to go into hospital and birth birth to you and leave carrying only a memory box with your footprints and handprints and a few of your things like name bands and blessing candles, it should have been you we were proudly taking home, you would have slept in with me and your daddy for the first six months, just like your sister did, you should have seen the size of her, when she was 6 and a half months and she filled the moses basket from head to toe, her head was actually touching the basket, and you dad had to say, come on, she really does need to go in her own room now, i kept her in with us, until she could fit in the moses basket anymore, and i would have kept you in with us for longer, i used to pull your sister out of the moses basket in the night and into our bed to feed and hug and often we would all sleep together, i would have definatley done that with you too
and pulled you in for a cuddle first thing in the morning, i used to do that to your sister and she always woke up smiling.

then when you would of have had to move rooms, i was going to decorate your room with dinosaurs.probably a greena and blue design

so so many things we have all missed out on, but the time we did have together will always remain so very very precious to me
i love you so much and i always will for the rest of my life

i worry about how i'm going to cope, and what the future will hold, i try not to think to much about the future, just to get through the days.
people say times a healer and i dearly hope thats true, as i'm scared to go through the rest of my life feeling this sad
but one year on, i'm not finding it much easier, people say the anniversarys are hard, i'm certainly finding that.

i feel so bad your heart did not develop, i feel it is my responsibilty, as i was the one that grew you, the best drs in the country have told me its not my fault,and this was a random chance event, but in my heart i will always feel like i've let you down, i really hope you don't feel like i have

i love you so much, my headaches and my heart weighs a ton, and sometimes i struggle to even catch my breathe, and i feel like i cannot breathe

i just want you to know how very very much i love you

love you forever baby

love mummmy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

chipmonkey Thu 14-Feb-13 00:21:07

That's the thing, white, when you lose a baby, you lose all the plans you had for them.
I was talking to hunkermunker on FB a few days before Sylvie-Rose died and she had given my the name of someone who might be able to help get Sylvie-Rose to latch on. I actually said "I've spend 6.5 years breastfeeding and I don't intend to stop now." and then a few days later I was pouring all my store of breastmilk down the sink. She never drank it and never did latch on properly and now I can't believe I got myself so worked up about breastfeeding. Which is supposed to help prevent SIDS.
And her room was going to be pink, white and green.sad
What would she have liked? Would she have liked Disney princesses or would she have been a tomboy, having four big brothers? I barely got any time with her.

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