Mumsnet Talk

oh sweetheart, i am so sorry but you are being so very brave x

Your memory of him wont fade either, it will always stay the same. I haven't lost a partner but a sister and I think of her every day, life goes on, but it doesn't mean you forget someone. I even watch stuff on tv and think she would like it iykwim, even now!

It's great people are thinking of you both. Do look afetr yourself

Ah soppykiss thank you for updating. What a beautiful post. Your love for Jon is huge! It jumps out.
I'm so sorry he's not here anymore.. but his memory will live on within you and yours and Jon's baby. Always.

He sounds like an amazing man that was well thought of and loved by many.

Wishing you lots of love and peace in the coming months in the run up to the birth. X

Soppy, you and Jon sound amazing. Holding you and your baby in my thoughts xx

It's now just over two months since Jon passed away and I honestly can't believe that I've managed to get through each day.

Jon's funeral was a blur, my main focus of the day was doing my reading, if I crumbled afterwards then so be it. Jon's family and I all managed our readings without breaking down, it was our love for Jon that got us through it.

We were amazed how many people came to the funeral, around the 300 mark. A mixture of ages and people that he knew, he some of his clients turned up. Which honestly was amazing.

I felt like I was in a gold fish bowl. I know people meant well but I didn't have a moment to myself. I had people saying the wrong thing to me throughout the day, two instances stick in my mind, one person moaned about their wife and I actually told them that they were lucky, harsh but true. Another person told me how excited Jon was when he told her about his proposal to me, and she started talking to me about the wedding planning. I told her it's not something I can listen to, and her response was at least you have your engagement ring and your baby. I've learnt that silence can say a 1000 words.

I still can't quite get my head around the fact that Jon is no longer here, it scares me to think that in time my memory will fade and with each passing year it will be another year without him.

My feelings towards bump have changed massively, before I was worried about resenting the baby and whether we would bound. Now I can't wait to hold my baby in my arms, it's having a sense of purpose that is now driving me. I need someone to love, my love for Jon will never fade but right now I have no where to channel it. I'm almost 33 weeks pregnant and my only objective is to get through my labour without focusing on the fact that Jon should be there with me.

I'm trying to focus my energy in a positive way and I must admit there are days when I do shut the door on the world, but then there are others when I think I need to do this for Jon/bump.

Jon's fundraising page has been live now for just over two months and in that time we've managed to raise just over 17k excluding gift aid. The tributes on the page are so genuine and heart warming. I always worried that when I spoke about Jon I sounded biased but the tributes just confirm everything I ever thought about him and a whole lot more.

The hardest part about losing Jon is that he wasn't just my fiance he was my best friend too, we shared everything and I've lost the better half of me.

Whatty - it is my Jon that your husband was referring to. The support the company have shown myself and Jon's family is truly amazing. Last weekend I found out that they had held a dress down day in Jon's memory and donated the proceeds to his fundraising page and a colleague of Jon's also donated his leaving collection too. It's nice to know that just because Jon is out of sight he isn't out of mind. I've had letters and donations passed on to me from Jon's clients. My boy touched so many hearts.

I want to thank everyone who has posted on my thread and to everyone who has shared their experiences. It really means a lot, and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to say thank you xx

You have been in my thoughts since you posted the topic. Sending lots of love

So sorry for your loss, Soppy x

Sorry for your loss

Also thinking of you soppykiss. By some random coincidence, I think Jon worked at the same firm of accountants as my husband, as he talked about Jon over the past few months and told me when he passed away. Having had a baby four months ago, my heart went out to you when my husband told me the very sad news. You sound like you are doing so much wonderful stuff to ensure your baby knows Jon and how wonderful he was which I am sure they will treasure. I know that Jon was much loved by his colleagues and much respected too. I hope the funeral wasn't too difficult, and that you keep drawing on the support of all those around you- including your mumsnet buddies. Take care, xx

Hope yesterday went smoothly - you sound an amazingly strong person Soppy and I am sure you did him proud <hugs>

Thinking of you and hoping you are getting some rest.

Im so very very sorry for your loss. Jon sounds like a wonderful person and I hope you get so much comfort and joy from your baby.

Much love

Just found this thread today and im in tears. I see today is the funeral. I hope your parents and family and his family will be of some comfort to you. I really dont know what to say. I feel for you so much. I cant imagine being in your situation. I hope and pray that you will get through this. Your baby has a wonderful mother, Im so sorry your baby wont know their amazing daddy . Im sure you will tell her/him all about him as she/he grows up.
Sending you love and strength. x

I am so sorry,thinking of you..you are incredibly strong.

Delurking to say that I'm thinking of you today Soppy. Sending you strength and my very best wishes x

I don't post on this site but your post made me to. My fiance died last May, I was 14 weeks pregnant with our daughter. She is now 11 weeks old and a splitting image of her dad. I registered her birth without the name of the father but gave her his surname. You might not need court order to register the father, this depends on your local register office, but you will need dna result from approved institutions, you can get a list from internet or register office. With dna result and the person who issues the certificate you need to reregister the birth and put his name on birth certificate. Dna can be taken from his parents or you can check whether the hospital kept any blood, tissues from him. It cost £485 for me to do the dna and an additional £35 for the person issuing the certificate to verify that the samples were indeed from your child and him/his family. It is still not over for me but I have taken the first steps. Hope this helps, there is limited information on the net unfortunately.

As for bonding, I felt the same. My grieve was so overwhelming, I felt constantly guilty about my baby. I knew and felt I loved her but couldn't feel close to her. This changed after the 32 week scan and I have to say I bonded her instantly. I have this urge to protect her as much as possible. She is a very stressed baby, not a surprise really, she was right in the middle of my pain. I am taking her to an osteopath weekly to help her and she is improving

I hired a doula for the birth, the best decision I have ever made. She was there along with my best friend, She knew what to do, what I needed. I got a trainee one so cost was low and I can't recommend her highly enough.

I also did photobook, put a memory box together for her. I have to tell you that my grieve is worst now than it was 6 months ago, knowing that my little girl will never meet her father is soul destroying. But she is a joy and I am lucky to have her. I am strong because of her, being pregnant saved me, I trully believe in that.

Pls pm me if you wish so, if you have any questions.

I am so very sorry for your loss. You are doing so well and Jon would be very proud of you. Don't be scared to ask for help from those who love you and keep talking to us. You are in my prayers today xx

Crying at this thread. Jon sounds amazing. I am so sorry for your loss. Take good care xx

My DH died last April when I was 8 months pregnant with our third child. Its hard, really, really hard. You may not feel like it but joining WAY has been a lifeline. You may not want to go to meet ups but the online group is a great source of support. I've met other widowed while pregnant of with very young babies on there. These people totally get it. Hang in there. I wish I could do something to help xx

Just had to post as, similarly to you and cafecito and ragwort, my Dad died of cancer when my mum was 5 months pregnant.
Having just given birth myself, I don't know how she did it. You are amazing just for getting through the day, and as for all the memories you are putting together for the baby - I would give anything to have that. I have a few mementoes but nothing specifically done for me - what you are putting together is absolutely priceless and will be invaluable for your child growing up.
I was brought up to believe that my dad had gone to heaven and couldn't come back, but that he was watching me because he was a star in the sky - the North Star. I took this literally and would talk to him out of the window at night! I still find my eyes linger on it to this day... and have decorated my baby's room with stars everywhere.
Although it seems hard to imagine now, you WILL bond with your baby. My mum said that I was all that got her through the darkest times, and I know that my existence is a massive source of joy for the whole family, simply because it was something good coming out of something bad. Although I still find it desperately sad that I never knew my dad, I have been completely spoilt by love - I have known more love and affection than I could ever have wished for and I'm sure your child will feel the same.
Thinking of you at this time and sending you positive thoughts for your journey ahead x

With regards to birth certificate, when your baby is born you registrar the birth as normal but the father space remains blank, which for me at the time was heartbreaking. Anyway you need a solicitor who will draw up papers, sorry if this is vague but i think ive blocked alot out. The hardest thing was being told we had to do a DNA, its horrible but its law, particuarly if theres assets involved. But in my case like yours the parents are alive so they took the swab from them, after that it was plain sailing and the birth certificate with his name on was released, from start to finish was about 18 months.
Sorry to be the bearer of this news, its a long process but it does get done in the end and in 10 years things may have changed.
But its worth it when you see their name and occupation where it should be. It taught me that being married holds alot of weight in this country but living together can leave you quite vulnerable legally.

Hi soppy, your story mirrors mine almost the same. My dp died 10 years ago suddenly, I was 5 months pregnant and also not married. I know exactly what you are going through and it is hell. If you wish to private message me then please do, I would be happy to listen. If you google Green Widow theres a book written by Rachel Green called A Matter of Life and Death and its a selection of interviews, including my own story of women who have been bereaved in pregnancy, it may help to make you feel less alone.
CRUSE is great but its probably to early for counselling, you need time for it to sink in.
As for bonding with your baby when my ds was born, the love I felt was so overwhelming and we are so close. He or she will be your little saviour! Like I say feel free to pm me and take care of yourself.

So very sorry, deepest sympathy.

My father also died when my mother was 5 months pregnant, she said the whole experience made her very, very strong and she did a wonderful job of bringing me up (with help from her parents for the first few months).

She remarried when I was 4 and my step father (& his extended family) were all incrediby kind to me - obviously I didn't know any different.

Be sure to keep photographs, keepsakes etc to pass on to your child and share the memories, my mother never held back from talking about my father to me and even recently (she is 80 now ) she reminded me to ask her anything at all as she knows she won't be around herself much longer ! It also helped to keep up friendships with my father's friends (ie: two were made Godparents).

Thinking of you, keep strong.

I am so sorry to read about your loss, SoppyKiss. I know this is a long way down the line, but I had a coffee this morning with a friend who has a beautiful little girl the same age as my DD (8) - they went to nursery school together. The little girl's father died of a heart attack while jogging when my friend was 8 months pregnant. Things obviously weren't easy but 8 years later my friend and her DD have a lovely life and I know her DD has brought her joy every single day.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry Soppy.

Jon sounds like an amazing person and it is obvious how very much you loved each other.
I'm glad you have the love and support of both your families. Your baby will grow up knowing what an amazing Dad s/he had.x