5 months pregnant and my fiance has just passed away

(109 Posts)
Soppykiss Sat 02-Feb-13 23:56:36

My fiance died two weeks ago and I am just over 5 months. He was diagnosed with cancer the same day I found out I was pregnant. I just don't know if I can do this without him. I've not bought anything for the baby and I really don't know how I feel right now. I'm functioning because I know he would have wanted me to be strong and look after the baby but it's hard.

QOD Sun 03-Feb-13 21:27:32

I'm sorry, very sad news, there are a couple of mums on here who are sadly in your situation and will be along at some point no doubt.

I have a friend who was widowed at 8 months pregnant with their 2 nd child. The only comfort is that the young one is a happy little soul who accepts that his daddy is the brightest star in the sky. he knows no difference. Whilst that's heartbreaking, he's just accepting of it, as that's how it is.

Life is so unfair. Hugs xx

sittinginthesun Sun 03-Feb-13 21:31:51

I so sorry for your loss.

I lost my dad a few years ago, and "met" some lovely posters on an Internet forum who were a huge support.

One lady in particular had just lost her DH to cancer - they had two small children.

I know that she found: www.wayfoundation.org.uk/about_us/ a fantastic support.

Thinking of you. Xxx

Soppykiss Mon 04-Feb-13 00:05:01

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I'm finding posting on here rather cathartic.

It was lovely seeing my parents today, my brothers were there also, which is a great help too. I struggle being at my parents, it's strange as they are my parents but I'm itching to get back to Jon's parents. They provide me with a great source of comfort, maybe it's because they are an extension of Jon.

I'm still stressing about the birth certificate, it seems like there isn't a lot of information for women in my situation. Who knows maybe a little later down the line it can be a project for me. I know I need to channel my energy into something whilst I am waiting for the baby.

Jon was diagnosed with cancer on the 18th September 2012 and died on the 18th January 2013. We had no idea that his cancer was terminal, his oncologist may have misled us who knows. One thing for certain is that we do need answers; Jon's parents are going to have a meeting with the various doctors involved in Jon's care. It's not something I feel that I can take part of; I know if anyone will get the truth for Jon they will. I just don't think I can deal with it and I know he wouldn't want me to either. Jon was very practical, even when he was very poorly he was still thinking of me and the baby. He wouldn't let me stay at hospital with him when he had an infection in case it affects the baby.

Jon had bowel cancer, however it had spread to the liver and it was the bowel cancer in the liver that killed him. He was only 32, and the hardest thing was telling him that I think he should stop fighting and go to sleep and have sweet dreams. I couldn't be selfish and ask him to keep fighting, if it were down to love and determination my gorgeous boy would still be here today.

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but a few days after Jon passed I set up a fundraising page in his memory as he was always fundraising and donating to charity. I knew that he was active on the Beating Bowel Cancer forum so I thought I would try and repay them for the help that it gave Jon throughout his illness. Last night Jon’s mum was on the forum trying to find his posts and she did, his first post said how great the site was and how helpful it has been to him. I know it might sound silly but I thought it was Jon’s way of telling me that he is happy with what I am doing in his memory.
I thought about changing my surname to his, as the baby will have his name. It’s not something I feel I can do right now. I’m still angry that we won’t have our special day – we had started planning it and looking at venues. I think when that bitterness has faded then it will be something I revisit.

Cafecito – thank you for your comment. I’m sorry to hear about your father. The one thing I am going to make sure of is that my baby knows who their daddy is. I am doing everything I possibly can to show them what he was like, how intelligent he was and I have lots and lots of photos. I’ve got 200 printed for his collage that I am displaying at his life celebration and that’s just a fraction of them. I’ve backing all my photos up online too in case I ever lose them due to a fire etc. My baby will know more about Jon than they will of me. I just worry that they might end up resenting and blaming me for their daddy not being alive.

QOD – my brothers and I actually had a similar conversation to your post. We did say that the baby won’t know any different, and whether that’s a good thing I don’t know. I guess only time will tell. What I don’t want to happen is that people take pity on the baby and try to over compensate for not having Jon around.

I’ve had a few conversations with people over the past few weeks and I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. This isn’t about me; it’s about Jon losing his life. I’ve lost the love of my life and my best friend but that’s nothing compared to what he went through.

I was petrified of giving birth, always thought I would be fine as long as I had Jon holding my hand. After seeing what he went through, I’m not scared of giving birth or dying anymore.

Jon never once moaned about his cancer, he turned around to me and his mum and said someone has to have it and it’s me so I just need to get on with it. Jon was so so special, I may have only had 4 years with him but I would never change them for the world. I'm so proud that I am having his baby, I just hope I can do him justice.

Thank you again for listening and caring x

MechanicalTheatre Mon 04-Feb-13 00:09:37

SoppyKiss I'm so sorry. Jon sounds like an amazing person and I'm sure you'll do him justice.

Big hugs to you, keep posting if it's helping you x

Lostonthemoors Mon 04-Feb-13 00:15:03

Soppy you both sound like very special people to me. Jon sounds very loving and kind and you sound like you will be a lovely mum - already thinking about what is best for the baby now.

xx to you

cafecito Mon 04-Feb-13 00:35:24

Soppy you're being incredibly strong. Jon will always be with you with your child and that is a really incredible thing. I'm just so sorry you're having to go through this.

I certainly don't think I was treated differently as a child at all, it was just how it was. I never felt especially different to the other children (although I realised I was different when I was 3 and attending nursery- and I asked why they had a daddy and I didn't- but my grandmother told me what happened and I remember vividly saying ''oh ok'' and carrying on bouncing on my trampoline. The only thing that has been hard is not knowing much about my father, my mother wouldn't really talk about him but I know some stories from his family and from my maternal aunt and grandparents. I wish I had more than one photograph, and I wish my mother had kept some of his notebooks and things (he used to be incredibly gifted at physics and maths and I would have been so interested to see this stuff). I guess, do be aware that the child won't miss Jon because they will have never met Jon, but that fact alone might be difficult during their adolescence - there could be a void - but it sounds like you have that covered already by backing up all the stuff you have. Also, if there are special hobbies or activities that Jon enjoyed, try and do them with your child- be it rockclimbing, or caving, or whatever. Little things like that will really make all the difference. I really haven't been affected by it growing up, to me it's as if my parents got divorced or something which is obviously really not uncommon. and you sound absolutely lovely - it's just so shitty and awful when such dreadful things happen sad but there are others out there, you are sadly not alone - reach out and share. Cry as much as you need to, and take as much help and support as you can for the immediate period after baby arrives which is likely to be pretty hard I would think emotionally.

(hope I'm not too negative or too patronising!)

keep on posting xx

Soppykiss Mon 04-Feb-13 00:55:00

Cafecito - not at all, it's all very insightful and a great help; so thank you.

Between Jon's mum and I, I think we can pretty much cover off his whole life. She has kept everything from his birth up to when he was at uni.

I've got Jon's twitter, facebook and travel blog turned into books. The baby once old enough will have a first hand account of their dad, his sense of humour and flair for writing. I want to do as much as I can to honour him. My memories of Jon will fade and distort over the years, so having these books will also help me keep him fresh in my mind.

Jon's passions were music and football - I'm keeping all of his cds and all of his football memorabilia. No idea what I will do with it once I sell our home though...

xx

cafecito Mon 04-Feb-13 01:43:36

you sound like you've got a great plan to help your child, that's really really great you've already been so thoughtful, soppy.

I didn't really see much of my father's family when growing up, which was a shame- maintain every link you can. also, I was bullied a little bit when I first went to school by some girls in the year above me- but the only reason is that I didn't know how to explain what had happened, I felt embarrassed (he waskilled in a rather tragic accident). It's less of an issue now about parents etc I'm sure for most children, but if you can instil absolute confidence in your child for social situations it will really help them, and make sure they know what really happened, early on in life, as early as possible really, just so it's out there and isn't a mystery to them. It just becomes a fact.

also, if you meet someone else, though this may sound insensitive now and I truly hope not, but it could happen - be sure to be sensitive to your child's perception of moving on, and be sure to incorporate Jon into all your lives, though of course you would, but - yeah, those are the main difficulties for your child I can really think of. You'll do really well because your love for Jon will be enduring xxx

5madthings Mon 04-Feb-13 13:42:36

Morning soppy all your plans and organizing to keep jobs memory fresh for you and your baby sounds lovely, amazing in fact.

I am glad you had a nice time with your family even tho its hard. Its really good you have support and that you are close to jobs parents, your baby will be very precious to you all.

I hope the meetings your in-laws have at the hospital go as smoothly as they can and help you all.

Thinking if you and sending love and strength xx

QOD Mon 04-Feb-13 15:04:10

The honest truth is that the little fella knows no different and, although I am sure it will dawn on him more as he's older, HE is not really aware he's any different to anyone else, or missing anything.
Their dd however, she was 7, ugh. Poor girl. And yet all anyone said was "ah how awful, the baby will never know his dad"
Coldly, from the outside, it's much easier for him.
Not so for his other family, but from the little boys side, life is how it is.

constantnamechanger Mon 04-Feb-13 15:08:13

I am so so sorry x

QuickLookBusy Mon 04-Feb-13 17:27:22

I'm so sorry Soppy.

Jon sounds like an amazing person and it is obvious how very much you loved each other.
I'm glad you have the love and support of both your families. Your baby will grow up knowing what an amazing Dad s/he had.x

chinam Mon 04-Feb-13 20:03:30

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Bonsoir Mon 04-Feb-13 20:14:29

I am so sorry to read about your loss, SoppyKiss. I know this is a long way down the line, but I had a coffee this morning with a friend who has a beautiful little girl the same age as my DD (8) - they went to nursery school together. The little girl's father died of a heart attack while jogging when my friend was 8 months pregnant. Things obviously weren't easy but 8 years later my friend and her DD have a lovely life and I know her DD has brought her joy every single day.

Ragwort Mon 04-Feb-13 20:20:34

So very sorry, deepest sympathy.

My father also died when my mother was 5 months pregnant, she said the whole experience made her very, very strong and she did a wonderful job of bringing me up (with help from her parents for the first few months).

She remarried when I was 4 and my step father (& his extended family) were all incrediby kind to me - obviously I didn't know any different.

Be sure to keep photographs, keepsakes etc to pass on to your child and share the memories, my mother never held back from talking about my father to me and even recently (she is 80 now grin) she reminded me to ask her anything at all as she knows she won't be around herself much longer ! It also helped to keep up friendships with my father's friends (ie: two were made Godparents).

Thinking of you, keep strong.

marmon Mon 04-Feb-13 22:52:31

Hi soppy, your story mirrors mine almost the same. My dp died 10 years ago suddenly, I was 5 months pregnant and also not married. I know exactly what you are going through and it is hell. If you wish to private message me then please do, I would be happy to listen. If you google Green Widow theres a book written by Rachel Green called A Matter of Life and Death and its a selection of interviews, including my own story of women who have been bereaved in pregnancy, it may help to make you feel less alone.
CRUSE is great but its probably to early for counselling, you need time for it to sink in.
As for bonding with your baby when my ds was born, the love I felt was so overwhelming and we are so close. He or she will be your little saviour! Like I say feel free to pm me and take care of yourself.

marmon Mon 04-Feb-13 23:06:14

With regards to birth certificate, when your baby is born you registrar the birth as normal but the father space remains blank, which for me at the time was heartbreaking. Anyway you need a solicitor who will draw up papers, sorry if this is vague but i think ive blocked alot out. The hardest thing was being told we had to do a DNA, its horrible but its law, particuarly if theres assets involved. But in my case like yours the parents are alive so they took the swab from them, after that it was plain sailing and the birth certificate with his name on was released, from start to finish was about 18 months.
Sorry to be the bearer of this news, its a long process but it does get done in the end and in 10 years things may have changed.
But its worth it when you see their name and occupation where it should be. It taught me that being married holds alot of weight in this country but living together can leave you quite vulnerable legally.

nenehooo Mon 04-Feb-13 23:42:58

Just had to post as, similarly to you and cafecito and ragwort, my Dad died of cancer when my mum was 5 months pregnant.
Having just given birth myself, I don't know how she did it. You are amazing just for getting through the day, and as for all the memories you are putting together for the baby - I would give anything to have that. I have a few mementoes but nothing specifically done for me - what you are putting together is absolutely priceless and will be invaluable for your child growing up.
I was brought up to believe that my dad had gone to heaven and couldn't come back, but that he was watching me because he was a star in the sky - the North Star. I took this literally and would talk to him out of the window at night! I still find my eyes linger on it to this day... and have decorated my baby's room with stars everywhere.
Although it seems hard to imagine now, you WILL bond with your baby. My mum said that I was all that got her through the darkest times, and I know that my existence is a massive source of joy for the whole family, simply because it was something good coming out of something bad. Although I still find it desperately sad that I never knew my dad, I have been completely spoilt by love - I have known more love and affection than I could ever have wished for and I'm sure your child will feel the same.
Thinking of you at this time and sending you positive thoughts for your journey ahead x

IcanandIwill Mon 04-Feb-13 23:57:58

My DH died last April when I was 8 months pregnant with our third child. Its hard, really, really hard. You may not feel like it but joining WAY has been a lifeline. You may not want to go to meet ups but the online group is a great source of support. I've met other widowed while pregnant of with very young babies on there. These people totally get it. Hang in there. I wish I could do something to help xx

something2say Tue 05-Feb-13 20:44:38

Crying at this thread. Jon sounds amazing. I am so sorry for your loss. Take good care xx

melrose Thu 07-Feb-13 15:05:24

I am so very sorry for your loss. You are doing so well and Jon would be very proud of you. Don't be scared to ask for help from those who love you and keep talking to us. You are in my prayers today xx

Lily311 Fri 08-Feb-13 05:28:12

I don't post on this site but your post made me to. My fiance died last May, I was 14 weeks pregnant with our daughter. She is now 11 weeks old and a splitting image of her dad. I registered her birth without the name of the father but gave her his surname. You might not need court order to register the father, this depends on your local register office, but you will need dna result from approved institutions, you can get a list from internet or register office. With dna result and the person who issues the certificate you need to reregister the birth and put his name on birth certificate. Dna can be taken from his parents or you can check whether the hospital kept any blood, tissues from him. It cost £485 for me to do the dna and an additional £35 for the person issuing the certificate to verify that the samples were indeed from your child and him/his family. It is still not over for me but I have taken the first steps. Hope this helps, there is limited information on the net unfortunately.

As for bonding, I felt the same. My grieve was so overwhelming, I felt constantly guilty about my baby. I knew and felt I loved her but couldn't feel close to her. This changed after the 32 week scan and I have to say I bonded her instantly. I have this urge to protect her as much as possible. She is a very stressed baby, not a surprise really, she was right in the middle of my pain. I am taking her to an osteopath weekly to help her and she is improving

I hired a doula for the birth, the best decision I have ever made. She was there along with my best friend, She knew what to do, what I needed. I got a trainee one so cost was low and I can't recommend her highly enough.

I also did photobook, put a memory box together for her. I have to tell you that my grieve is worst now than it was 6 months ago, knowing that my little girl will never meet her father is soul destroying. But she is a joy and I am lucky to have her. I am strong because of her, being pregnant saved me, I trully believe in that.

Pls pm me if you wish so, if you have any questions.

GrannyRatOnAScooter Fri 08-Feb-13 11:34:52

Delurking to say that I'm thinking of you today Soppy. Sending you strength and my very best wishes x

I am so sorry,thinking of you..you are incredibly strong.

frustratedashell Fri 08-Feb-13 11:59:53

Just found this thread today and im in tears. I see today is the funeral. I hope your parents and family and his family will be of some comfort to you. I really dont know what to say. I feel for you so much. I cant imagine being in your situation. I hope and pray that you will get through this. Your baby has a wonderful mother, Im so sorry your baby wont know their amazing daddy . Im sure you will tell her/him all about him as she/he grows up.
Sending you love and strength. x

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