For Anyone grieving for one of their parents,you will find support here.

(362 Posts)
mummylin Wed 07-Nov-12 21:50:04

hope you all find this ok,the pages were just refusing to load up and messages taking so long.thats why i had a double post on other thread.

lancarra1 Tue 13-Nov-12 14:17:12

Thanks migonette, I would love to be able to read at the funeral but I just would not be able to, I will spend the whole day in tears as the minute someone mentions it thats me going, with adhd its like I have no control over it. My mum thinks its being strong by not crying but thats not me.

mummylin Tue 13-Nov-12 14:56:53

lancarra1 i am sorry to read of your dear dads death.We all understand exactly how awful it is, and for you at the start of your grief we know it is almost intolerable.All of us here have gone / going through the same awful process so hopefully it will help you to be able to chat to people who are going through the same thing. I too would just say to you get through one day at a Time as best that you can.
maybeyoushoulddrive I have found it !! its called Talking to Tony.I have bought it to come to my kindle but just realised its out of battery,so i will get it later.It says it will bring comfort to grieving people ,but i will decide for myself when i have read it.

mignonette Tue 13-Nov-12 17:00:19

There is no 'strong' or not strong. Allow your natural responses to come through. I used the fear of reading in front of a congregation of 250 to power myself through it but I had a major wobble at the wake when my Uncle stood up to leave and I suddenly saw my Father's face looking back at me from his-they are so alike.

I am having a bad day and now my cat is missing. It is all so unpredictable, grief.

Oh lancarra I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad - you've found the right thread to speak to people who understand. I couldn't do a reading at Mum's funeral (knew I would break down), but the Priest came and talked to us for a couple of hours about Mum and ours lives with her, and his eulogy captured Mum pretty perfectly. We even ended up laughing at one point, which is lovely to remember.

mignonette I'm sorry to hear about your cat. It's hard to deal with something like that at any time, but when you're grieving anything can be too much to deal with. I hope you find him/her asap.

I second mignonette's words about reminding people you are grieving. They certainly can forget unbearably quickly and show complete lack of understanding at times. Feel free to sound off here!

Will be interested to know about the book mummylin!

ssd Tue 13-Nov-12 18:33:47

sorry to hear about your friend mummylin, sad news sad

and welcome lancarra, sorry you are here too sad

maybe, " I honestly had no idea that losing a parent would make me feel so rootless and bereft... "...you've summed it all up totally for me

the Xmas shopping hasn't started here yet either, cant get onto it yet, will be hard going for all of us this year

and second mignonette re folk forgetting you are grieving, I find this one of the hardest things to cope with too

t875 Wed 14-Nov-12 09:36:54

i agree with migmonette Lancarra so very sorry to hear about your dad, the beginning is massively hard, i wrote a few notes and put a few pictures in with my mum i also put a teddy in with her and i kept a heart button off it, so in a way i felt a connection..i also got the girls to do her a picture and also my husband ( he thoughts the world of her and her to him) a lovely note.
Talk to him my belief is he can hear you, but i so know it isn't the same, as i find out even from 7 months on.
please come here when you need too talk, this thread is very supportive.

maybeishoulddrive i do believe they are together up there, ive heard and read a lot to bolster this belief for me i do take great comfort from that.

mummylin i think that would be a lovely idea, also i was picturing the stew bubbling away although very difficult the moving on, im also trying to do the same here, as like you maybe - the kids wont let me bypass it. Im also thinking of Christmas presents, but cant until i get paid! smile

My dad doesn't seem to be doing so well at the moment, im keeping a close eye on him, he seems to be having a lot more sad/depressing days, my brother doesn't talk about my mum much so my dad doesn't feel he can talk to him so i get it all, some days it stresses me, but ill always be there for him to make him feel better. People are constantly telling me i must think more of myself, but ive always been that type of person.

hi ssd and anyone else on the thread, thinking of you all. x

mignonette Wed 14-Nov-12 09:40:29

I found my cat dead this morning. He has been such a comfort to me since my Father died this summer. I feel deranged with grief today and have had to take the day off to hole up in my bedroom.

Beachcombergirl Wed 14-Nov-12 09:48:57

Sitting here feeding my baby crying. Just want to call my mum for a chat

Beachcombergirl Wed 14-Nov-12 09:50:20

Mignonette I am so sorry you poor thing.

Oh mignonette I'm so so sorry, I'm glad you've taken the day off, do you have anyone with you or can call for a coffee?

Beachcombergirl big hugs to you (not very MNy I know but I think acceptable on this thread!) This is still very early days for you, it's so hard.

That feeling of just wanting a chat is exactly how I feel - there are so many things I want to tell Mum and just gossip with her. I don't think there's anyone else I have that kind of intimate relationship with, dh doesn't want to talk about the latest soap/celebrity up to no good etc!

t875 my Dad is struggling too. Like you I listen, but he just wants his wife backsad I'm sure you're a huge comfort to your Dad, but it's hard to know what to say isn't it?

t875 Wed 14-Nov-12 10:07:33

oh mignonette how awful for you, i cant begin to know what to say..huge hugs to you, i remember how cut up i was about our dog and it was still a bad grief. I would seriously see how you go, i have said this on this thread again, i used CRUSE phone line a few times when i was really bad, they were great..great listeners but they also said comforting things.
take care, lots of love to you. x

Beachcombegirl - same to you hun, i feel for you really bloody tough going, i have plenty of days like that, huge hugs to you. Is there anyone you can call to just have a chat, i find when i feel like that i write a diary, and i just talk to her, i swear my neighbours must think ive lost the plot, or if there is a plant or anything she will like you could take comfort looking at it grow in her memory? will say the same about cruse, although you have us they are very good, and you don't even have to say your name. xx

t875 Wed 14-Nov-12 10:12:47

maybeishoulddrive - Its very hard to know what to say sad sometimes, i don't want to sound flippant, as it would be good to slowly move on but keeping mum with us all the time, he said this this morning, as its so hard as he keeps going to the places they used too go to, and i know its horrendously hard, but i don't know whether him going to these places is helping him he gets her picture out at the table sad ..i just don't know i wish my brother would do more, im surprised im still married, as if i was with a bloke who was selfish it would be very hard to have been there for him as much, well i still would have been but it would have been hard. It is hard though isnt it? Have you got brothers or sisters?

mignonette Wed 14-Nov-12 10:19:35

I cannot talk for crying so Cruseline probably out of the question today and my poor son failed his driving test which he had to do only an hour after we found the cat.

God what a horrid day.

Beachcombergirl Wed 14-Nov-12 10:21:27

And thank you to you all for your lovely suggestions of ways my dd can leant to know mum x

t875 Wed 14-Nov-12 10:45:58

oh mignonette what a massively horrendous day!! I am not massively religious but my word i pray things turn around, how very awful. It is so very hard, the void is massive, my friends dont fully understand what im going through, really hard, we are here for you, i wish i knew you in rl to be living near. Can you call your husband to come home and be with you hun?? i know of no help atall but massive hugs to you xx

mummylin Wed 14-Nov-12 14:52:10

Oh my goodness what a horrible time some of you are having today.I am so sorry about your cat mignonette i suppose you feel that your crutch has now been taken away from you.And your poor son having to take his driving test so soon after finding that sad news out.
Beachcombergirl I am sorry you are feeling things so badly today and you have been in tears.Its all so damn hard isnt it.
I do chat away to my mum as if she is here in the hope that she can really hear me ! I talk to her picture i talk to her at the cemetery and sometimes i am just sending thoughs to her when i am just sitting down. I have to do this as it makes me feel i am still in touch.
t875 its very sad that your dad is in such a bad place still.I understand what you mean about visiting places he used to visit with your mum.Is it making him sad to go there or is it bringing him pleasure and good memories.Difficult isnt it. I will never go to Barcelona again because that is where i was last on holiday with my mum.[ and had my purse stolen from my bag !]
I have had some bad news today but its not anything to do with a death so wont go on about it.
How is it that some people go through life having bad luck and sad things happening and some people sail through life with no problems at all ? its all beyond me.
How i wish that i could help to fix everyones problems.

mignonette Wed 14-Nov-12 17:31:42

Thank you everybody. MN has really kept me going today on one of the worse days i can remember in all it's cumulative miserable-ness.

Wishing us all a calm evening and a better day tomorrow. XX

ssd Wed 14-Nov-12 18:23:00

mignonette and beachcombergirl, I'm sorry, I really am. I hear what you both say and I want to hug you both (and get a hug back grin)

its just so shit it really is

I'm way up and down too, still cant believe it all, cant get it out my head

I wish, like mummylin I could take away everyone s pain, but sadly that impossible

thanks to everyone here for all the honest though heartrending posts, I don't feel so alone and isolated when I know you all feel the same in your own way...I hate anyone feeling so bereft like this but it helps to know I'm not mad but just going through grieving and its normal to feel so low and lost

we need a meet up girls, wish we weren't all spread around the country like we are!

ssd Wed 14-Nov-12 18:31:09

hi t875,, I'm sorry to hear about your dad. I had similar with my mum when dad died 14 yrs ago, its just been me and mum since then, (well until now, I nearly put a full stop after writing that,wowsad )

all you can do is keep your dad company when you can, I remember wanting to move in with mum but ds was a baby and it wouldn't have worked, I spent a lot of time with her trying to make her feel better, I hope I did but I knew I couldnt make up for my dad

I remember asking her, a few years later, if she'd got over dad dying, her face absolutely fell and straight away I saw I'd said something stupid, it was still raw for her, years later

I now feel like she must have felt then and I cringe at my crassness

and like you my siblings were crap sad

I'm sorry, hugs to you too x

mignonette Wed 14-Nov-12 18:53:01

ssd

Sending you (((( hugs ))))

ssd Wed 14-Nov-12 19:22:01

thank you x

t875 Wed 14-Nov-12 20:29:02

Ssd - you shouldn't think that your mum was so pleased to have your comfort, care and support when you lost your dad. Crap isn't the word, its all very very hard isnt it, And
ill tell ya, im that much closer to finding some sort of spiritual guidance, i definitely need to try to have some sort of communication with her, i miss her so much!! Cant bloody believe it still some days!!

mummylin, i hope you and your family are ok, we are here if you need to talk to anyone about your bad news you received. Yeah it is hard with my dad as i wonder if im saying the right thing im no expert on these things. He went out today on a huge bus ride and found the place where he met her, and he even had chips at the same cafe..oh it just breaks my heart. sad

mignonette - Here anytime for you, Hope your feeling a little better now, ive been thinking of you.

a nice cup of hot chocolate with cream and sprinkles for us all! brew or for anyone who needs something stronger wine

Thinking of you all x

t875 Wed 14-Nov-12 20:29:57

oh and {{{hugs}}} ssd, and anyone who needs one.

mummylin Wed 14-Nov-12 23:13:26

I cant bloody believe what a shit week this has become .Had a call from some of our footi friends about an hour ago.The husbands mum has just died tonight!!They are having a terrible week of it ,his brother already in hospital this week having a brain tumour removed and he lives with the mum who has just died .God that poor poor family.Our family problem is nothing compared with theirs.I am thankful that i only had one bad thing at a time to deal with.Think i will stay in bed the rest of this week with my phone turned off and not wake till this week is over.Ps ,not too impressed with the book, all seems very far fetched to me.Think i wasted my money.

t875 Wed 14-Nov-12 23:21:29

oh my word mummylin, that is absolutely horrendous what your friends are going through. I could swear but best not. What an unthinkable time they are having and its just not bloody fair!! Jesus, i hope things turn around how awful!! sad

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