For Anyone grieving for one of their parents,you will find support here.

(362 Posts)
mummylin Wed 07-Nov-12 21:50:04

hope you all find this ok,the pages were just refusing to load up and messages taking so long.thats why i had a double post on other thread.

ssd Sat 10-Nov-12 13:50:02

oh LollopyBear, that's so sad, I'm so sorry. Your emotions must be all over the place, 2 life changing events happening at once. Do you have support, I hope so. Keep posting here, you will get support, I promise you x

mummylin, I cant buy a card or a plant for her yet, its too soon..buying it would just feel too empty, like why am I doing this , shes gone...but just looking at stuff and talking to her in my head about it is OK, because I feel we still have some connection there

daft I know, thanks for the suggestion anyway x

mummylin Sat 10-Nov-12 15:44:37

ssd your mum has not gone completely ,she has left her legacy to the world and that is you !! She will never be gone whilst her genes are carried forward in this generation and the ones to follow.Im sorry you dont feel up to buying a card yet,but one day im sure you will.Everything takes time to adjust to and you must do what you think is best for yourself.But speaking for myself for me last xmas mum had been gone about 7 weeks and i did take her a card and i also put up an old one from her to me,for me it worked and i felt that i was still giving mum a little gift.Of course we are all different and what worked for me may not work for anyone else.i wish in a way we could fast forward to this time next year,when hopefully we should all be feeling much more accepting of the situation we have all found ourselves in.We will all get there ssd,you included xx

ssd Sat 10-Nov-12 16:17:47

I know you're right mummylin

I'm just scared getting there means forgetting mum somehow,I know thats stupid though x

LollopyBear Sat 10-Nov-12 17:03:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummylin Sat 10-Nov-12 17:29:06

O ssd poor you .Of course you are not going to forget your mum ! whatever makes you think that ? I am sure like all of our parents we have lost they will always be in our minds and hearts.that will never change.Just because they are not here in the physical sense does not change how we do/ will feel the love for them.
LollopyBear Of course you will be upset when you go for the first time,but it does get a lot better and i actually enjoy going there now because i feel i am doing something for mum by taking her new flowers. I have a little chat .I still have it in my head she can see me !Of course i would rather i did not have to go but i cant change what has happened so that is my way of still connecting to her.
We also had babies on the way when my mum died ,my sister was expecting twins and mum did not live to see them born.She was so excited because we had never had twins in our family before. BUT if it wasnt for my mum they would not be here ,because obviously if my sister hadnt been born etc ect.!
It will be a difficult time for you at xmas ,but on the other hand ,how lovely to be able to celebrate your little babies first xmas.
For all of us the best way to remember our loved ones is to always talk about them and include them in conversations and by reminiscing over their photos.This is so hard.Do you know i always used to dread this time coming,i never knew how awful my mum must of felt when her mum,my grandmother died.

gymboywalton Sat 10-Nov-12 20:50:16

i have just spotted this thread-i hope you don't mind me joining in.
my dad died just before christmas last year.
he was ill but his passing was a huge shock-not expecting it to happen whennit did at all. he literally just dropped dead.

i have been ok-i have my ups and down days and moments but i largely feel at peace with him dying-he was suffering and now he is not.

However i am feeling bad about christmas-am just dreading it-get all panicky when i see trees in the shops etc. Last christmas was horrific ad this year-i just want to pretend it's not happening.

mummylin Sat 10-Nov-12 22:08:25

gymboywalton this thread is for anyone who feels the need for support for the same reason as all of us.Of course we dont mind !It sounds like you are more or less in the same position as i am ,my mum died 7 weeks before xmas last year and i too dreaded it,but with my families help i coped quite well.Mums death was also very unexpected and i think the shock of it will never go away.But in saying that i am grateful that she didnt have to suffer any serious illnesses and was active even on the day before she died.I think i will be ok this year at xmas,i will light candles for her and take flowers and myabe even a little xmas tree to the cemetery.I will still make her a part of our xmas.
I have been ok for the last few days ,but this evening i heard the song " cant live if living is without you " and it cut me to the quick.Now i am back down in the dumps.Hopefully my mood will improve tomorrow.
I am sorry you have had to join this thread too but it does help to talk to others.I hope you will get some comfort in the fact that your dad is not now suffering,although i know you wish he was here with you.

gymboywalton Sat 10-Nov-12 23:02:39

it was his funeral on the 21st december
the day he died i missed all the phone calls trying to reach me because i was wathing my son's nativity play

i remember driving along in the funeral car and there being christmas lights everywhere and a santa tipped his hat to us.

ssd Sun 11-Nov-12 10:57:55

oh gymboywalton, thats so sad

not much to say other than I know how your'e feeling x

mummylin Sun 11-Nov-12 15:43:00

I have just had such a sad text from one of my best friends to say her brother has been found dead.I know he is a lot younger than us.I would of gone round but her other brother is on the way.i dont know anything more but will speak to her tonight.she gave me a lot of support when my mum died.God life is shit sometimes isnt it.We had the two minute silence this morning at my gs football and all i could think of was my mum and my sister.
gymboy I dont know how you got through Xmas last year seeing as it was so close for you.It must of been a terrible ordeal.ssd i hope you are feeling ok.x

Galaxymum Sun 11-Nov-12 18:13:08

Aww gymboy - I think you did amazingly well to get through Christmas last year.

I feel the same as several of you - I am dreading Christmas. Every time I say something DH basically says I have to make an effort for DD. It just seems to trigger tears for me - it's facing Christmas for the first time without my mum and not AT my mum's. I've never had Christmas dinner not made by her. She always spoilt ME. MIL said something last night that just wrecked me - I said no thanks to a coat for Xmas and she said "Oh we'll just give you money in an envelope then." I cried all night and a lot of today - so silly but just the thought that I am so unspecial! My mum and I always treated each other and we'd go to craft fairs at this time and buy little things for each other. It's that run up to Xmas and all the little rituals that will no longer happen.

t875 Sun 11-Nov-12 22:19:27

Lollopybear - when i read your post, i couldnt believe it, how very hard for you, i thought it was bad for me what happened but i couldnt imagine the pain and the emotions what you went through losing your dad after giving birth, my heart goes out to you.

Sharing memories of our mums, well mum breezed through life, even if there was something wrong you wouldn't have known at all. She im sure is a wonderful angel up there and she was an angel down here, she would do anything for anyone, so very special, she had funny quirky words she would say, like shut the front room door, she'd say "shut the gate", she was so funny, warm, larger than life, always smelt lovely, hair had to look perfect, mrs bouquet comes to mind. I loved talking with her about tips how to make things better, we done craft stuff, making cards, we would watch QVC together, tbh i still do, i put it on on the hopes she is there, im sure she is. smile
god i do miss her so much.

When i don't get on here, you guys are in my thoughts, i have been ok, wimpery moments, feeling sad here and there especially with the flipping Christmas adverts!! Talk about overkill!!

SSD - i watched Gordon smith and he blew me away! I could not believe how brilliant he was. So sad some of the stories though.

my thoughts are with you and you are ok'ish xx

Beachcombergirl Sun 11-Nov-12 22:59:00

It's been just over 4 weeks since mum died suddenly. I am finding being an orphan in my 30s unbearable. I just feel so frightened and fear this heartache will never end. I just want to call my mum for a chat. I want her to continue sharing the joy that my new baby girl had given her. I am so sad and worry I'm being a terrible mum. I was so happy being a new mum but now I just feel heavy hearted and alone. I fear the day when my dd outgrows the last clothes my mum bought and made her. I wonder what she was going to buy her for christmas. Now we will never share that joy. I can't see how I will possibly feel any better.

Ihatecobwebs Sun 11-Nov-12 23:18:24

Hi

I would like to join if I may.

According to RL I should be "over it" by now, but I'm not. I still miss my dad so much. I try to avoid talking about him, because it upsets me very easily, and I find it hard to talk to my DS about him. DS never met him, so he can't really understand who I'm talking about.

t875 Sun 11-Nov-12 23:47:25

Beachcombgirl - It is very very hard at the stage you are at, i felt exactly like you, i was crying loads, angry, stressed, very very dark place, i tried to keep keeping my self afloat as i was starting to feel i was heading down depressions way. I spoke a lot about my mum, i went through all the motions guilt, disbelief and still do..especially now!
I'm sure you are a great mum and your mum will be guiding you and your little girl all the time. But I can imagine hearing this is so very very unbelievable as i had all this said to me and thought it at the time. Maybe you could give something of your mums to your little girl, or get a plant you can water and she could help you water indoors.

I have kept the clothes so far from my mum for my girls, i cant bear to move them. cyber hugs to you and always here for you xx

Ihatecobwebs - i am so sorry to hear of your loss of your dad, so very very hard , please come here anytime, this thread has been very comforting and we are all different stages too. Take care and do what you have to do to find comfort, i do find talking does help but we are all different, maybe you could write a diary about how you feel and what you would like to say to him, im sure he and your loved ones in spirit will be around you and your dc all the time, i really believe they dont leave us and they are always there, although some days i find this hard to believe, i guess its what gives you comfort and this and spirituality has helped me and comforted me but i respect also we are all different with our beliefs. Cyber hugs to you too. x

Galaxymum Mon 12-Nov-12 10:19:29

Beachcombergirl - I think you are being so brave at such a difficult time. It's horrible finding you are an orphan and just trying to get your head (and feelings) around it. My DH just doesn't get why I am so upset about it and says "Well you're a parent now." - it's not the same at all. I am thinking of you and your little girl. Can I suggest maybe making a book for her? Your memories, and also photos and little sentimental objects you can add. My mum made a grandparents book for my DD and I'm really treasuring it for her. But I think it may help you to put in the good memories while they feel very fresh.

I feel the same as t875 - you guys are all in my thoughts even when I don't get on here. I'm thinking of you all and know you're all going through a difficult time.

mummylin Mon 12-Nov-12 11:08:43

The thing is ,we may be all parents but we are also someones child.And now we are someone who has lost our beloved mum / dad or both.We feel so lost and alone.It makes no difference that we are all adults.Quite simply we love and miss them so much.Why do people expect us to have "got over it".I know i will never ever get over losing my mum although i do expect the grief to lassen ,but i have no idea when that will be,at the moment i still even after a whole year relive that last day.For the newcomers on here ,i am so sorry that you are feeling this terrible pain.For outsiders who still have their parents it is difficult to comprehend just how painful and sad it has made us feel.beachcomber It is such early days for you, its no wonder you are feelin so bad.I would suggest that you make a memory box of the little clothes your mum gave to your little daughter and keep them.
Ihatecobwebs Could you spend some time talking to your DS about his grandad and show him photos to bring him alive in your ds's mind.I know you said it upsets you to talk about him , but maybe this would bring you some comfort too.Smile about the funny things he did /said.Such an awful time for everyone ,but for now i have to put my grief on hold and support my friend who has lost her brother just yesterday.This terrible heartache is happening everyday for someone.Its horrible to wake in the morning and all is well ,then one small phone call and the life you knew has gone forever. I think nearer xmas i will start a thread for us to send a message to our loved ones,What does everyone think of that idea ?

ssd Mon 12-Nov-12 16:59:30

I think that's a brilliant idea mummylin, that would be so nice, to feel we're doing something for our mums/dads at Xmas rather than wanting so much to do something but in reality doing nothing because they're not there anymore

I agree with so many posts here and I identity with the pain and loss we all feel

thank god for everyone here, its such a safe place to come to and say how we feel and know others get it without a big explanation required

you do have to lose a parent you have been really close to to understand this feeling of complete loss and bewilderment

a woman I know at school is unwell just now and she has her mum collecting her kids every day and making them all tea...what happens to girls like us who have no mum now to help us out? what do we do when we're not well or god forbid, really ill? me and dh have no parents at all now, we have no family that could or would help us out..who do we turn to? there's no one there

I understand galaxymum saying who makes her feel special now? I feel like that, no one calls me darling now, its all gone, all the love and history we had with our mums, I don't know where it went, its all disappeared

I keep thinking, where did you go mum? at the school gates today, that was the time everyday I called her on my mobile, every day at 3.15ish for years...today I thought, maybe me and mum could have s secret, I wouldn't tell anyone, not a soul, just if I could once call her number and she answers again and tells me about her day, just me and her talking again for a few mins before the kids come out...just a secret between me and her

but it wont happen, ever again and its too sad to think about

many many hugs to us all xxxx

Lovely idea mummylin - sometimes it helps just to know that others know about my Mum.

Sorry there are more people joining - obviously very welcome - it just means more sadness sad I honestly had no idea that losing a parent would make me feel so rootless and bereft... It does help to know that I'm not alone...

I spent the morning with some friends and ended up in tears - they're always so close to the surface. This weekend of Remembrance has been hard. My grandad was in the RAF so at least I can imagine Mum seeing her Dad again - I really hope they're together.

Sending all my love to all of you - I am reading all of your messages xx

mummylin Tue 13-Nov-12 12:46:04

hello to you all.Its a lovely thought that all our loved ones have now met up with past family members.I hope its true because that would give me hope that one day i will see my mum again.I dont know if anyone saw the story in the paper about the lady who says dead son guides her hand to write messages to her from him. There is a book out about it ,but ive now forgotten the title.If i can find out i may have a read of that.I know you can get it on amazon.And i think it has the name Anthony in the title,but not sure about that.Well its dark and dismal here today so i have made the first winter stew !! i love the smell wafting through the house.Made an effort yesterday and did some xmas shopping ,but got very annoyed in a couple of shops.I think its all stress realated.Popped to see my poor friend last night.It has bought back all the times when my sister died.She is devastated,which i do understand, sadly only too well.

Yum stewsmile it's dreary here too so I've made scones!

Well done for doing a bit of Christmas shopping - I've barely started, can't seem to get enthusiastic, but dd is of course very excited so must make an effort for hersmile I have got a few Sylvanian bits squirrelled away in the boot of the car....

Interesting about the book - I don't know whether reading it would make me feel better or worsehmm I haven't had any signs of messages from Mum, maybe I'm too dense and cynical to spot them. Mum you need to be a bit more obviousgrin

mignonette Tue 13-Nov-12 13:47:51

Watched 'Elizabethtown' last night.....Big mistake seeing as my own Father only died a few months ago and now I am a mess again.

Beautiful film but OMG devastatingly upsetting for the newly bereaved.

lancarra1 Tue 13-Nov-12 14:04:28

My dear dad died on 3/11/12, I am dreading the funeral on 23/11. I have adhd which will make it overwhelming ,I cannot take anything as I have to drive 130 miles to get there. I still can't believe he has gone, I keep thinking of things I want to tell him. I am a single parent of four and I find I can manage day to day stuff but no extras as my mind is full thinking about it.

mummylin Tue 13-Nov-12 14:07:26

I think for most of us ,the grief can suddenly hit us when we least expect it.Its probably a normal reaction ,but its all so bloody painful isnt it.I am going to try and find the book by searching the name Anthony.will let you know if i find it.

mignonette Tue 13-Nov-12 14:10:18

I know, I know Lancarra. There are few words for how hard these first few weeks can be. My memory is still shot to pieces and i have unpredictable responses and feelings. I know 'telling him' is not the same now he has died but could you have a quiet moment just to write down what is in your mind and tuck it into his coffin?

I read the eulogy at my Fathers funeral-quite a long one as the vicar gave me free reign. You do not have to do that of course, but maybe talk with family and his friends and write your own? it is an eye opener, the things you learn about those you may feel you know well....

Manage the day to day stuff-do no more and keep reminding folks around you that you are in the eye of grief's storm. They can tend to forget....

All my love to you sad

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