For Anyone grieving for one of their parents,you will find support here.

(362 Posts)
mummylin Wed 07-Nov-12 21:50:04

hope you all find this ok,the pages were just refusing to load up and messages taking so long.thats why i had a double post on other thread.

Hello everyone...

I'm having a fairly good week but I do think like everybody else here, that this time of year is very hard when coping with our loss. My Mum was Christmas for me, just like yours t875 I want this one to come and go very quickly, I see little joy...

Thank you all once again for sharing your stories, they are a great source of comfort for me x

Just put my tree up with my robin decoration from childhood on the tip branches. Feel like my heart is breaking tonight knowing she won't be with us

Have followed this thread but not posted, dont know why but sometimes feel like I`m so much further down the road I should have `moved on` by now, but sometimes it just bites you iykwim.

My parents died in 1997, I was 24 with a young DD on my own and my world just fell apart. I think I only carried on (abliet badly) because of dd, I had to smile, I had to carry on for her but it took years to just function on a proper normal level, so I`m rambling.

Anyway, one thing I kept was the christmas fairy, it was quite beaten up but I know it sounds silly it meant so much to me, my parents bought it for their first christmas together in 1964.

We moved about 18 months ago and DH (I just would never of) accidentaly threw away the box of Christmas decorations. I was totally heartbroken last year (I actually thought I might leave him, as I didnt think I would be able to forgive him) but I tried to say its ok, it was just a thing etc etc.

Its completely silly but I just have no desire whatsoever to put the decorations up this year at all, as I know I`m still angry and upset over this blinking scabby old fairy.

Completely stupid and a total overreaction, but feels good to write it down.

ssd Thu 06-Dec-12 23:02:35

hi dreams, no I can understand your reaction, that christmas fairy was your link to the past when you were a little girl and your mum and dad were there to take care of you. Anything that holds a link to our parents when we lose them becomes precious to us. There is decorations my siblings must have thrown out when mum moved to her flat, that I'd love now, in fact I'd love anything that ties me to my parents, I cant face the fact they've both gone now, it blows me away.

anyway just wanted to post I understand your reaction xx

hi and hugs to everyone else xx

Thanks ssd, I have very little possessions that tie to my parents, I have my mums wedding ring and a few photos and thats about it, my brother cleared the house of everything when they died, I think he got rid of it all thinking that the rest of us wouldnt want it. I think it was his way of dealing with what happened and he had descended into a very deep depression over their deaths (which still lingers as far as I`m aware) so although I feel anger towards him I have no wish to make things worse for him, if that makes sense. Hence why the fairy was so important.

Oh, I bloody hate this, I`ve always felt that I can never be 100% happy since they died. I`m over it as much as you can be, but its never far away hiding under the surface.

You say `your mum and dad were there to take care of you` that sums it up, would do anything to have them `take care of me` just for a little bit, stupid at my age but wouldnt it just be lovely.

They died on the 21st December 1997, 15 years.

t875 Fri 07-Dec-12 11:13:48

Dreams - The one thing I have noticed is I can have loads of my mums stuff which i have, but just to have one special thing is lovely and i think the fairy for Christmas is such a special thing you could even light a candle for them, my thoughts are with you.

willieverbe - It is very hard mum not being around all i can really do is do them special things she would have done if she had been here and i then can imagine her smiling watching what we are doing. Were also going to have a special little area when we can put Christmas bits and memories to her. Thinking of you, its a very tough time.

Stickem - Thinking of you, them days were very tough times and we are here for you if you need a chat. {{hugs}}

ssd - Thanks about the feather, yeah they do feel very special at this time of year as there is hardly any birds around. Hope your doing ok and has an ok day.

I haven't had a too bad week this week after my bad 3 days last week.
granted i have to go up the shops this afternoon and not sure how that's going to go but we shall see. I am missing her like flipping crazy!!! How the hell can she not be here it makes no sense!! My dad has had a bad few days..saying he has nothing to look forward too etc sad its been very hard to hear, yesterday he seems better.

hi to everyone else, thinking of you all and sending hugs if needed, were all in this together xx

t875 Fri 07-Dec-12 11:15:19

To add, with my dad i tell him he has us and i try and bring up his hobbies etc, but its so hard as he misses my mum so much, then i feel guilty for saying to him this stuff, just trying to help him but its soo hard. sad

Having a wobble today, put tree up and trying to inject some christmas cheer for the kids but i so cant be bothered. I haventbeen up to the grave since the funeral due to the being in hospital and recovering. Im a little better now but im so scared to go back there sad I miss her so much and im going to pieces over stupid things i dont know if i can handle seeing it with her name on a stone. feel so sad

t875 Fri 07-Dec-12 13:57:17

{{{waiting}}} really feel for you Ive got to do the tree and decs tomorrow and im the same i soo cant be bothered. I know my mum would be giving me such a kick up the arse to get on with it so i have that too and for the kids and i guess me a little as before this i loved christmas

Go back to the headstone when you feel you are ready waiting your mum will understand and they know we have to protect ourselves too, its very hard as we like to do these things for our passed on loved ones but its very hard for us to do sometimes with how we feel. Thinking of you x

the tree looks lovely, to be honest it has helped me to realise christmas is coming and to keep it together for the kids as ds has been quite upset at the amount of people saying how awful christmas is going to be. at 5 he is sad and misses his nan but isnt of an age where he needs to hear that the best time of the year is going to be awful!.I am hoping to go on sunday, long enough to try and keep it together but to at least be there. hope you are doing ok and your dad too. it must be very hard to hear him so dejected x

Almost 7 months since my dad died, and it's really beginning to sink in that he's died. I can't find him; I don't know where he's gone; I want him back. I miss him.
We bought a tree in his memory this morning, and decorated it with mum watching on skype. She arrives in 10 days, and seems quite jolly at the monet, but it can turn on its head from minute to minute, can't it!?

it may do truly but you can only do what you can do, its lovely she is coming to you. And even though there will be times you all sit and cry as im sure we will too there will also be happy memories made and the fact that you are together. thats what i hope for this christmas, to get through. Raise a smile at the kids opening presents and create some memories. am fully expecting it to be sad. I like you just feel like shes gone away at the minute, its not really sunk in that this is it.

t875 Fri 07-Dec-12 14:33:10

Yeah it is hard to hear my dad like that..all i can do is be there and just spend a lot more time with him and phone him. Thankfully that wave has passed, he is generally doing ok killls me when he gets into that stage though.

Yeah i think it will be the same here when the tree gets put up. I have a lit up decoration a ceramic house with lights small one already out to break me in, the kids said to me so are we celebrating this year i said of course we are we have too, nanny would want it and we need to for all of us, but my god its very hard to think she wont be around. some days are tougher than others. I don't think easter will ever be the same though as that's when we lost her, luckily easter date moves around.

You sound lovely, I think each date seems so hard because there is a run up. I have been so busy lately that I'm dreadin the aftermath of Christmas when I have no distractions

ssd Fri 07-Dec-12 18:01:01

yes, its when that time comes that everything sinks in and everythings done and we have no distractions to occupy us...yet all I can do is think about what I'm missing, whilst no one ever mentions mum at all now

mums death has brought right back dads death, feel I've lost so so much, am totally yearning for them both and their love and care for me, I feel their loss so deeply it hurts

hi dreams, sympathy to you too, I dont want to ask too much but I think you lost your mum and dad together, thats so awful and impossible to take, I'm so sorry xx

crazykat England Fri 07-Dec-12 20:50:55

I've just found this thread, and you all have my deepest sympathy.

I haven't lost a parent yet but my mum has just been told she only has two months to live. In some ways it feels like I've already lost her and I can't stop crying. I'm dreading christmas but have four young kids so have to make it special for them.

What makes it worse is that I lost my BIL two days before my son was born in october which was also four days before the frist anniversary of my nan's death. I grew up with my nan living with us and she was like a second mum to me.

I don't know how I'm going to go on without my mum. If it weren't for my dad, DH and kids I don't think I could. It feels like I'm losing everyone and I can't help wondering when it will stop and who I'm going to lose next.

This time of year should be filled with joy not sadness, even more so for us as my, DH, our oldest three DC's, SIL, FIL and two nieces have our birthday's between next week and the middle of february. All I can think about is whether or not my mum will still be with us then.

Well they died within a few hours of each other, my Mother had terminal cancer and was very ill after a bad dose of chemotherapy and my Father had a fatal heart attack, Mum died a couple of hours later, I truly believe they were both heartbroken, I love

Sorry, everyone said it was really sweet at the time to try and comfort us I suppose, but it wasn't. I still feel so angry that we weren't enough to keep on of them alive. We were such good friends, and I really was a parent person, hope some people here understand what I mean, many of my friends had only parents but mine were my friends, I relied on them so much.

Reading through for so many of you, I wish I could say something to take away the pain for each of you. The one thing I remember so much from that time was that my very young daughter kept me going, having to wake up and smile, keep some normality, even carrying on with some sort of Christmas for that year and the next.

I think the physical pain I felt was one of the worse things, waking in the morning and for a couple of seconds it's ok. But, it does lessen and eventually you find yourself smiling and really meaning it.

I could right an essay of things from that time, insensitive people at work, insensitive friends (still get that one, one v good friend telling me she wouldnt no how to cope without her mother, thanks) crap counsellors, I so wish I had a mumsnet then, think it would have made so much difference.

Sorry, also wanted to say they were 59, not sure why I always feel its important to state their ages, but it is for some strange reason. My daughter is 18, and it really hits as my sister was 17 when they died, I was so tied up with my own feelings I let her down somewhat, look at my daughter today and feel so heartbroken for my sister. She claims its fine as it was easier for her as she was still a teenager and hadn't become 'friends' with mum and dad at that stage, so she reckons she grieved and moved on, I'm not so sure and thinks she says that's as self preservation.

Oh dear, sorry once started I'm now rambling, have learnt not to say to much to people as I always feel that they don't really want to hear.

Crazy cat, many hugs and much love. You will carry on darling for your children, you will plant a smile on your face for them and somehow you will amaze even yourself with your own strength. But, it is important that you also have some time just for you over the next few weeks.

Is you mum at home or hospital, are you able to be with her as much as you need to be? Xx

ssd Fri 07-Dec-12 23:17:04

oh dreams thats such a sad story, how heartbreaking for you. But honestly you can say whatever you like on this thread, people do want to hear. I find it comforting I dont need to explain myself here, I know you all just get what I mean, without a big explanation needed. I feel I really need to talk about my parents and I just dont get the chance in real life as no one asks....and I feel uncomfortable, almost desperate bringing it up...guess thats what you mean too. I was friends with my parents too, I know what you mean, losing them both is like something I cant explain, the yearning for them is indescribable.

hi crazycat, I'm sorry about your mum, its an awful thing to face sad

again, hugs to us all xx

seenbetterdays Sat 08-Dec-12 00:13:47

Hi, just wanted to say that I have a phone message from my mum left just a few moments before she collapsed with a brain hemorrhage. I was out when she phoned. Busy as usual. She never regained conciousness and died 3 days later. It was 3 years ago. I still listen to the message just to hear her say "hello it's mum". You never really get used to it. We were so close. Her voice still comforts me, she sounded happy and obviously had no premonition of what was about to happen.

maybeyoushouldrivesantassleigh Sat 08-Dec-12 00:17:22

Hello everyone, such sad sad stories. Testament to how precious parents are - even when they drive us mad!

crazycat that news must have been such a shock for you. Are you close dsitance wise to your parents - will you be able to spend as much time as you want with your Mum? I'm so sorry you have to go through this. If we can do anything to help?

Thinking of all of you - am having a tough time illness wise so can't type much just now but just wanted to say hello. xx

ssd Sat 08-Dec-12 11:23:52

hi maybeyoushouldrivesantassleigh, sorry you are having a bad time with illness, I hope you start to feel better soon

I'm getting a bit worried about the posts from people who lost their mums years ago who say it doesn't really get better. The one thing I'm focusing on is "time is a great healer", I know this was true when my dad died, gradually over time I was able to say the word "dad" without bursting into tears.BUT the difference then was I still had mum and still could visit her in the house and place I grew up in......now they are both gone I've got an emptiness inside me I can't shake and I feel so down and depressed, like there's nothing to look forward to and the future is just bleak. All around me I see happy extended families everywhere and now we'll never have that again, its just the 4 of us from now on, Xmas day, New Years Eve, birthdays, its just us 4 rattling around the house. This Xmas I'm going to put some money mum still has in her account in an envelope from her to my boys, but I'm worried the money is running out too, then there's nothing at all. Me and dh's parents lived in council houses and there was no money from anything when they died. I know that sounds mercenary here and anyone receiving any money from their deceased parents would give it all back for 5 minutes more with their mums or dads, I know that too well, but mum was the only person I could borrow money from or she used to treat the boys now and then and now she's gone the financial future is bleak too, no wee treats or nice dinners out from her anymore. I don't want to sound like I'm money grabbing, but my mum was the only person in our families who ever treated my boys , or who treated us to a meal out on our birthdays etc. and now she has gone that's another thing I;m missing, there's no one to borrow any money off and no house left to sell , just 4 weeks to clear it from the council. I know this sounds money grabbing but I can imagine this sad time is made a tiny bit easier without money worries on top. I know nothing makes up for losing our mums and dads, but I'm just being honest. Dh has been told he might lose his job come April and I earn NMW and everything has been a struggle for so long, without my mum being kind to us at Xmas its going to be hard this year, as well as her not being here.

god I know its awful to talk about money at a time like this, but with 2 teenagers and xmas its very relevant to me just now

anyway what I was saying earlier about it not getting better is worrying me, this empty, lost feeling cant stay with me the rest of my life, I don't think I could take it, I'm hoping it fades into simply missing my mum instead of aching for her all the time

I hope I haven't offended anyone talking about money, I'd give everything I had for the chance of a minute on the phone with my mum again, I know you all would too....the reality of her passing is sinking in now and the future is bleak, in all ways

ssd Sat 08-Dec-12 11:39:45

seenbetterdays, that's so nice you still have a message on your phone from your mum,something to treasure... something really strange happened on my phone a few days after mum died, I got up one morning to discover about half of the numbers had been wiped from my phone, literally, mums phone number, her doctors, her chemist, her warden, all wiped away, but random numbers like the kids pals or friends I hadn't spoke to for ages had been left, it was really weird, it was almost like mum had deleted those numbers as she knew I'd have spent forever looking at them and crying and she didn't want that for me.........also another strange thing, when I was clearing out her flat with a pal, I knew the only thing of her clothing I wanted to keep was her fleece she always wore, when she died I knew straight away I had to keep her fleece, we bought it together too, anyway once I had cleared her clothes I left the fleece to one side and when I went back for it it literally disappeared..........I left all her clothes in bags to go to charity and left out the fleece, but when I went to give the clothes away the fleece was gone, I emptied out the clothes bags and went through every last one but the fleece wasn't there..........I cant see how it would have been thrown out, I told my friend that was the only thing I was keeping and we put it to one side, but it disappeared....my friend said do you think she took it with her as she knew you'd just smell it all the time and I get upset, but I don't know, its still a mystery to me

you'll all need to excuse my ramblings today. my heart is so heavy and I need to start Xmas shopping, but see no joy in it, am in a hellish low mood

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