Argh! I've just showered Flamechick, complete with school uniform - HELP!

[Flamesparrow]

That was NOT the way to handle things.

I know that. You know that.

She keeps yelling "NO!" in our faces when we ask her to do things (picking up toys, stopping asking for crisps 5 mins before dinner etc). It ends with me losing my temper and screaming back at her.

NOT a harmonious house.

Time out tends not to have much effect. Pasta for good stuff is great, but it only seems to work with bad things if I take it away. Using it as bribery seems against the whole plan tbh.

I am >-< this close to hitting her.

I don't know what to do anymore.

She is nearly 5. She is old enough to know these things.

We have had a chat. i have said sorry and that the shower was wrong.

I have told her to tell me "I am feeling cross" and to sit and count to ten rather than yelling at me, and that I will do the same.

I am a very sad sparrow right now.

[Scootergrrrl]

Poor lamb. No constructive advice but lots of sympathy for you. Is it glass of wine time yet?

[FrannyandZooey]

you put her in the shower with her clothes on?

[kindersurprise]

Um, why did you shower her?

I think they are all like that, 5yo girls. My DD just had a huge meltdown because DS got the red sweetie and she got a yellow one.

I put her in her room for 5 mins to stop me hitting her.

[FrannyandZooey]

have you ever thought of trying a parenting course, or reading one of the books that give advice on how to deal with difficult situations, like How to talk so Kids listen etc?

[Buda]

What do you mean by 'showered' her? Put her in the shower with her clothes on? Cos I think a short sharp slap might have been better.

Have you read 123 Magic - Effective Discipline for Kids? Someone on here recommended it to me and I found it great for helping me. I am a nought to 90 in minus5 seconds so counting to 10 doesn't help when I lose it. But I find that if I do the 123 and then send DS to the stairs with no entering into any discussion it seems to keep me calm and it works.

[Flamesparrow]

I showered her to break the cycle of her yelling - I was hoping that a shock would stop it (if I had put her in her room it would have just continued). It did stop it.

I know that was wrong - it is more support and advice I need now than judgement.

No glass of wine - feeling crap, am on syndol and sudeafed.

[FrannyandZooey]

I don't think anyone has made judging comments, but for my part I was surprised to hear you had done this to her
I think that is why people are picking up on it

[WallOfSilence]

Ah Flame darlin', you know what I went through with E. I wish showering her with her clothes on was the worst thing I did

Sounds like you have reached the end of your tether.

[kindersurprise]

I was not being judgemental, just did not really understand you OP.

You sound like you are at the end of your tether and need advice on how to handle your daughter.

Is it just the yelling at you/not doing what she is told , or is there something else?

[FrannyandZooey]

So it's making you very very cross when she shouts NO at you. Can you maybe think about why that makes you so cross? You want her to do what you ask - but children this age often refuse to do stuff - yes they do KNOW they are meant to be doing it, but that doesn't mean they always will.

Can you try ignoring or laughing when she shouts?

[Flamesparrow]

I didn't realise WOS was you! Yes please to the book.

I am hating myself for it Franny, I think that is why I am taking everything as judgement.

I just don't know what to do anymore. It is one constant battle and I am terrified I am going to break her for life, she already has enough issues, and I have no idea if she is actually AS or just a product of my already crap parenting thus far.

[AllieBongo]

When you are feeling low and you've had a long spell of appalling behaviour, sometimes we all lose the plot. You haven't hurt her, you feel dreadful, so beating yourself up over it doesn't help. Just try and relax and get your hands on some of the books recommended.

[Buda]

What about if you try just putting her on the stairs and keep saying you will talk when she stops shouting? I know it is hard - particularly if you are feeling crap anyway. But you just have to keep on and on and on being consistent with it.

[DoodleToYou]

Message withdrawn

[HonoriaGlossop]

What your daughter is doing is (unfortunately!) normal and to be expected of a four year old.

I haven't read that 'how to talk' book but it gets recommended alot on here - and I think in this case there is clearly ALOT of room for changing how you talk to her and how you respond to her. Getting to the state you did today does show clearly that you are in a situation of having locked horns with her and I think you need strategies to cope with her that mean you can step away from her and let go before you get to this stage.

i think what you did shows that you are trying to get some control.....sometimes stepping away is taking control. And controlling LESS is great too. Picking up toys doesn't have to be done in such a way that she CAN say no..It can be a race to see who can put most away, it can be 'oh well any that don't get put away are the ones I take to the charity shop'.....stopping asking for crisps - well, you can't MAKE another human being stop using their voice to make a request but you can make your response different. Ignore her, or tickle her every time she asks, or pretend it sounds like she's asking for slugs, or any number of things.

I think with you and her it's about finding ways to dance round things because otherwise those horns will lock.

[juuule]

I have a nearly 8yo who screams/howls so I do know how it gets into your head. She has always done it. Very difficult to deal with at times and especially so in the beginning when we weren't sure what was going on. Sometimes it settles for a while and then it flairs up again. Seems to be a loss of control on her part.

I've found a couple of things that work.
One is to either remove myself or her from the same room and tell her to come and talk to me when she is feeling calmer. However, this can have the effect of making her worse and louder.

The other thing that works is to hold her close and tell her that I still love her and that it will pass and to breathe. Once she calms down we talk about what happened.

As she is getting older things are improving bit by bit. She does seem to need a lot of attention though at times.

HTH a little.

[Flamesparrow]

Ooh RedMist could be me at times Will go read the whole thread.

[WallOfSilence]

I will get it posted out asap. Prob be Friday morning though as I have uni tomorrow & Thur.

Chin up pet xo

[Flamesparrow]

I like the sounds of the holding her method. She has always been such a hard child, I wonder how much of it is just that she wants me,

[NAB3wishesfor2008]

I support you FlameS.

My Dh did it to our son the other day. I felt it was all wrong but I can totally understand why he and you have done it. Sympathies.

[juuule]

The holding method does seem to work the best for our dd but sometimes when the screaming gets a bit much then I need some time out and so have to go out - sort of to get my breath and then I will go to her and hold her. Before I go I do say that I'll be back in a moment even if it's through gritted teeth.

[Flamesparrow]

Have just discussed that it is going to be a washing bath tonight, not playing.

Rather than "Noooooooooooooooo!" she said "I am cross."

Very calmly.

We talked about what was making her cross (not playing - "playing bath" is about an hour long btw, non-playing is 10 mins)

We have agreed that the next bath will be a playing one.

No screaming. She is happy.

Bloody good start if you ask me.

[luckylady74]

Hi Flamesparrow,
I think you are having an awful time and huge sympathy. I have read some of your posts on the sn board.
I was reading an old thread today and jimjams said that you may not realise they have as, but you know they are more difficult than your friend's children - it's really hard to give examples because a lot of what asa kids do is what nt kids do, but it's more intense and lacking the other balancing side of the personality.So yes nt kids can drive you over the edge, but as kids have much more effective ways of doing it!
I may not have explained this very well, butmy as ds1 was/is soooo much harder work than his nt siblings, but I hear 'oh yes my ds does that' all the time - bollocks to that quite frankly - unless you have a child on the spectrum and live with them , then no you don't understand. Your dd does seem to have traits from what you've said.I have done terrible things in the past I just have to hope I am doing better now. If you do get a dx I would really reccommend RDI therapy.Hope it gets better and sympathy again.

[NAB3wishesfor2008]

Great!