Is my baby just spirited and demanding, or is it me?

[Violette]

I'm really struggling today - forgive me if this note sounds over the top, but I had practically no sleep last night and during my walk with the dog this morning, I slipped and fell with my DS in his sling. I was so tired I'm obviously not very safe. He was ok, but I was so shaken and wondering - when will all of this get better?. My DS is 10 and a half weeks old and I still feel as exhausted and unsure as I did when he was first born, and yet I perceive others in the same boat as coping better, getting out and about and sleeping more!!! The grass is always greener...
He is incredibly alert, healthy and is growing really fast which is absolutely brilliant, but...he seems so demanding, more so than anyone else's baby. Is this just him - in which case, OK! He's going to be a handful, but he'll also probably grow up to be assertive, passionate and lively which is wonderful. But I'm lacking in confidence - he is my first baby - wondering whether it's something that I am doing wrong - could I be doing more to alleviate his stress? He seems to go into a hissy fit at the drop of a hat, and it's the biggest, most powerful yelling I've ever heard from a baby. And I don't think it's just because it's my baby that I think that! There doesn't seem to be a middle ground, it's all or nothing sreaming. Of course babies cry, but it's the incessant and demanding nature of it that's upsetting me and wearing me down. I'm really aware of the fact that when a baby gets stressed, and if this happens regularly, this could have a longer term affect (hard wiring in the brain) on their ability as adults to cope with stress. So I've been trying to help soothe his stress, but his will thinks differently!! I live in an isolated place, so have to drive to get anywhere. Unfortunately, he absolutely hates going in a car seat and if I am by myself in the car (invariably so during the day) he screams from door to door. He also doesn't recognise when he's tired, although I try to settle him before he gets beyond tired and gets upset, but that hardly ever works, so he goes into another raging fit. It's like he goes into a zone, and there is no consoling him or grtting through to him. The only thing that works is to put him in the sling and walk outside - then he falls asleep. But I then worry that he will associate fallling asleep with being in the sling...
I'vr tried a dummy, he spits it out. I've tried craniosacral therapy - I've not noticed a huge difference. I had a good home birth and he was born without complications, so I don't think that has affected him. I try to be calm with him so that he doesn't get stressed that way. But I find it hard to keep all of this up when I'm not sleeping properly at night because I keep waking as he's a very noisy sleeper = he thrashes pretty much every night - non-stop. I've tried to help with this - I've modified my diet, we've got winding down to a fine art...what more can I do???!!!! I'm beginning to feel a bit resentful and that is just awful. I love him so much, and when he smiles at me everything melts away... until the next hissy fit of course!!! Now I feel guilty writing this - he's not doing it on purpose, but nor do I want to beat myself up for not being good enough....it's still early days, right? Please tell me things will get better!

[ruty]

Violette your baby sounds just like my ds when he was a baby. It is so hard and I do feel for you. I had serious sleep deprivation for the first few months, I remember breastfeeding him on the couch at night and hearing a thud and realising I'd fallen asleep for a second and he was crying on the floor! Thank god he was ok, but he was also a very demanding, very easily upset baby, who just wanted to be carried in the sling. I know this is not what you want to hear, but I think you just have to go with the flow. The thing that worked for us is when we started co sleeping - after the first three months i put him in bed with me as i was so exhauseted and followed the safety guidelines, and as we were breastfeeding he could then feed and i could sleep and we both started to sleep so much better. I wouldn't worry at this stage about him associating falling asleep in the sling - he is very little - at this point you just have to do what works! Please don't beat yourself up - I remember feeling other babies seemed so much easier than mine and feeling it was my fault, but all babies are different, and your baby needs your patience and reassurance. You also need a bit of time for yourself to get rested - do you have a parent/friend/partner who could take over for a couple hours [walk him around in the sling] while you get a bit of kip?

Best of luck with it all - and it WILL get better! Ds is nearly three and though he can still go off on a wobbly he is a lovely happy boy.

HTH.

[ruty]

BTW if there is prolongued screaming it may be worth just checking out he hasn't got reflux or bad wind or something. I know HV's can be useless but worth just asking them.

[thehairybabysmum]

Not sure i can help but didnt want to ignore this. I would say its still early days and yes things will get better. You sound like you are doing a great job to me.

At this stage i think you need to do what you have to settle your ds and keep yourself sane!! If he likes being in the sling then thats great, walk him in the sling, i wouldnt worry about him assocaiting it with sleep at this stage, sleep is good.

I would say nobody is confident at 10 weeks in with their first baby...you just think they are!! Anyone seeing you out walking the dog with your ds asleep in a sling probably thinks you look the picture of confidence...its all about perception so try not to worry about what other people are feeling as there's actually no way of knowing.

Keep going...we've all been there and like you say those smiles make it worth it and you just get more and more of those as they get bigger

[ruty]

prolonged!

[TheApprentice]

My baby is now 8 months and I have to say that I found the first 3/4 months really hard. ITs so much easier now, honest.

I got a bit freaked by all those people saying "the turning point is 3 months" because then I expected things to change overnight once the 3 months had passed, and of course they didnt. It was really 5 months before we had any kind of routine.

What is easier now is that ds is more predictable and I can now tell what his different cries mean which no way could I do at 10 weeks. Looking at my friends and their babies I'd say that things really start to settle once they are on solids.

I'm sorry you're feeling so rough. Its really hard to begin with but it DOES get easier and then you start to really enjoy your ds.

[Notyummy]

The Baby Whisperer, despite some of its annoying 'homespun' wisdom and slightly anti-bf slant, does have some interseting reading on the differnt types of babies and soothing techniques. I don't pretend that it is the answer to all ills, but it might be worth getting from the library, or second-hand from Amazon. Don't buy new cos you might hate it! FWIW, my friend had a baby that sounds very much like your DS and it took her until he was 5 months before she started to enjoy him. He is now a cheerful 14 monthm old who sleeps 11 hours a night and is v chilled out.

Have you tried baby massage classes as a way of chilling him out, and getting you to chat to other adults. I assumed they would be a bit of a gimmick, but we both enjoyed them....I did the course twice!!

[Helennn]

My DS was fairly much like this - extremely hard work. I could never tell what the matter was, he would only sleep on me in the day and seemed to want to feed half the night, I used to fall asleep feeding him at night in bed and wake up with him down the bed!! I now have a dd who is a doddle by comparison, and no, it's not just because she's my second, she is a much easier/predictable child. When they are more generally "hard work" it is far harder to work out what the problem is and so get the hang of it - I do sympathise hugely!!!

The only thing I did wonder from your post is, (and I know I could be flamed for this), could you not put your ds into his own room - providing it is still close to yours so that you could hear if he cried - so that you could at least sleep better? Sleep makes a huge difference and if you didn't feel quite so exhausted it might make it slightly easier.

Yes, it does get easier, but you are doing a fantastic job and don't let anybody tell you anything different!!!

[lizzih1974]

I found the first 5 months really hard going. It seemed so relentless. It will get better, you just have to try out all the tips until you find what works for you. Give yourself a break, ask friends and family for help, just handing them over to someone else for 1/2 hour can lift some of the pressure.

Best of luck

[stressteddy]

Violette, as all have said it really does get better. My ds was exactly the same as yours. Very stressy and the loudest cry in the world!!! He is now 2.5 and has calmed down lots. He is brilliant company and a real little character.
Just remember to comfort and cosset yourself during this knackering time. If you fancy something to eat (choc, cakes etc) then have it. If you fancy a glas of vino, have it., If you want to go to bed when he sleeps, then do it
Remember, a frazzled and unhappy mum is no good to a baby. Look after yourself as well as him
Love to you and keep talking to us all. It really does help
x

[snoozer]

Oh, I can relate. My db at that age was a screamer, and i mean SCREAMER! I was always amazed at how other babies I saw cried like little baby birds or something squeak squeak while with mine there was no soft baby crying -- it was straight to the SCREAMING with him!!

First off, I say do whatever you can to get some help in, even for just a few hours a day so that you can take a nap or run errands in the car without db.

Definitely use the sling -- don't worry about bad habits. Do whatever you find will work to soothe him (and you!). Will he sleep in the pram while you walk? My db used to do this and it was the best part of my day. Until he was about 4 months old, I'd go for two-hour walks with him sleeping in the pram. It was perfect because I could sit down on a bench (maybe: he'd often wake when I stopped moving), walk with a cup of coffee, have my headphones on etc. It was great because I had a few hours to myself (relatively speaking). When we weren't out walking I'd let him fall asleep on my chest and just sit and watch tv until he woke.

Now he's 8 months and has absolutely no problem falling asleep or staying asleep in his cot. No bad habit formed, although everyone kept warning me that it would. Keep in mind that babies do change a lot over the months -- they don't just become bigger versions of their little selves.
Generally speaking they become much easier to handle and more predictable too. I think that over time they just find it easier to cope, in general. It also begins to feel less relentless than it does in the beginning. I used to look at older babies and think that we'd never ever make it to that place but here we are. You'll get there too.

[Violette]

Thank you for all of your messages - it was just what I needed to hear! Namely, that I'm not alone! I have met with other mums but they haven't really had similar experiences to me, so it's really helpful to hear that you know what I'm talking about!

Notyummy - I've booked a course of massage classes and I'm hoping that will be good for both of us.

Ruty - I'm also breastfeeding, and it's going well - but I have to admit that it's another pressure - no-one else can do it, so it adds to feelings that everything is relentless. I've put his cot into our bedroom (he did have the moses basket, but with his size and all the thrashing I thought it looked too uncomfortable for him as he bangs around and it just rocks about!!). He's not fond of the cot, surprise surprise, and so I generally have in bed with me...

Hellenn - I do wonder if I put him in separate room whether it would help, but I still think the noise would keep me up and instead of just opening one eye to check him out, I'd be running next door! He's a sicky baby, and chokes a bit too quite often. I can totally relate to what you said aobut your baby falling asleep on you during the day - very often, I feel like I'm glued to the sofa or walking in the sling (when all I want to do, as he falls asleep, is do the same!) as he just wants to be held. I'll then come indoors and try to lie down with him in the sling, or gently put him down in his reclined chair or bed and he'll wake up and all hell breaks loose again!...makes doing anything impossible! And he's now touching on 13 pounds, and is very heavy for the sling...he hates the pram too! I'll take him out it in it, and he'll be fine for 10 mins but then the screaming starts, and I end up putting him in the sling and having to push the pram too!!!!!

Stressteddy - I've resorted to the odd glass of wine, even though I thought I would hold off whilst I'm breastfeeding!! It's funny, all these things you think you'll do/not do, and it all goes to pot as soon as the little one arrives!

Snoozer - I'm keeping hold of the fact that he will change - I just have to keep hold of the fact it will change, and that I should try and cherish the good times now as well, instead of wishing some of it away!

thanks everyone - I really appreciate your support and words...

[bluejelly]

Sounds just like my baby, she screamed in her car seat, wouldn't go to anyone else, not great at sleeping through the night and was generally very spirited.

She is now 7 years old, full of beans, great company, very clever (even if I do say so myself) and I look back at those early relentless days and think 'thank god I put all that work in, she turned out great'.

I know it's hard, but it will get better. I found 3 months a turning point, anything you can do to get there I would do it, whether it involves cake, time off, adult company...

Oh and from the age of 6 months she loved the car!

[Notquitegrownup]

More words of support here. You could have been describing me and my ds1 at this age, and yes, it will get better.

Someone told me, early on, that babies - particularly boys - are programmed to demand the most that you can give them. That way they get stronger and thrive. They are also programmed not to drive you over the edge and destroy you, as that way they don't thrive! Don't know whether it is true psychologically/medically, but it seemed true to me. Just when I thought that I couldn't go on, things would get a little easier, and then a little easier again.

It does get better, honest. Hang on in there - and keep on posting! There will be good days and bad days. Don't be afraid to keep on coming back on the not so good ones.

[thehairybabysmum]

Are you able to express any milk so that someone else can give the odd feed to give you a mental break...bf is lovely but also wearing!

Sounds a bit like he likes to sleep more upright if he sleeps best in the sling...can you prop him up a bit in teh pram or in a bouncy chair?? Sorry if you've already tried this.

Anyway glad you feeling a bit better...enjoy the wine, the odd glass will do no harm

[ruty]

if he's sicky Violetta it may be worth making sure he hasn't got reflux. He might be uncomfortable lying down. May not be that but worth checking.

[CantSleepWontSleep]

Violette - your ds sounds just like my dd. At 19 months she is still very demanding, but is as you say assertive and lively! You mention that you have modified your diet, and also that he is a sicky baby. Have you considered that he might be suffering from either reflux or milk intolerance (or both)? My dd turned out to be milk intolerant, which we finally discovered at nearly 16 weeks, and also to have silent reflux. I gave up eating dairy totally (does involve a huge amount of label checking!) and within a week or so (it can take around 10 days to clear totally from your system) she was so much better. Might be worth a try?

[ruty]

funnily enough i had to give up dairy too! And we eventually had to give ds a bit of Neocate formula, tho i didn't stop breastfeeding. He didn't have reflux but he did have dairy intolerance.

[LiegeAndLief]

I second the suggestions of reflux. Ds had silent reflux and often would only settle in the sling, he was also a terribly noisy sleeper and often sounded like he was choking and spluttering, although he seemed to sleep through it and was fine. He was in our room for the full six months but (I may get shot down for this) if I was doing it again I would buy an apnoea monitor and put him in his own room. I was terribly sleep deprived because I couldn't sleep through his spluttering and writhing and it makes everything so much worse. The reflux cleared up pretty quickly but he still snores now at 13 months and I'm very glad I'm not in the same room as him! If it is reflux, post again for advice, there are lots of "home-made" methods of coping and also medication. Good luck, he is still very small and like everyone else said the fog will clear eventually - especially when you start getting some sleep!

[LiegeAndLief]

Oh and I also gave up dairy - didn't make any discernable difference to ds but I lost a bit of weight

[Violette]

thanks again everyone.
I have wondered about the reflux, he sleeps so much better propped up. In terms of my diet, I already cut out dairy (only occasionaly have it in very small doses) as I'm intolerant myself. I know that eating onions and pulses makes him windy, so I've cut them out too, amongst a lot of other things!! He so enjoys sleeping on his side or front, but with the current advice being that they should sleep on their back I feel forced to do this.
I'm going to stay with my parents for a couple of weeks on Saturday as my husband is away with work, so I know I'll get lots of support and help there, and I guess a lot can happen in 2 weeks!

[Hannah7]

Oh my god, I have never found anyone else that said their baby slept/sleeps on them in the day! My little boy is nearly 6 months old and wont sleep anywhere in the day apart from on me. At night he sleeps in his cot and has started to soothe himself to sleep. He absolutely HATES his pram too and loves his Baby Bjorn carrier, but unfortunatly he is getting to heavy for me to carry him in it anymore so back to whinging in the pram! The first 3 months with his were an absolute nightmare and he is still very, very, very demanding and unsettled. We are going to a pediatrician in a few weeks to see if problem as have tried changing milk (made worse), infacol, colief, swings, slings, cranial oestopathy and so on....! He is also a very fidgety sleeper so at 3months went in his own room with the monitor turned off and just our bedroom doors open, you still hear them when they need you and you can sleep much better and also disturb them less. Hope you little one gets better soon, im still waiting for a miracle!

[fillyjonk]

ok am doing very very quick post here, but wanted to respond

I have 2 kids. My son was a little like yours, but not really. He was essentially much more chilled. my daughter was very very like your ds.

She is now 2.2 and still very high needs, lots of tantruming etc. In fact I think she started tantruming at about a day old and just continued...Also pretty bright, and great company. She is a very intense child.

I know exactly what you mean re the resentment. Its when you feel that you have done EVERYTHING and you are still being screamed at.

Have you come across Dr Sears? I think he'd be worth you looking at, because he will bascially reassure you that you are doing all the right things. He is extrememly good on what he calls "high needs" babies.

Some babies do have that sort of room-emptying scream, it is horrible. dd has it, ds doesn't.

Honestly, babies ARE different, some have this sort of personality (which brings with it good traits as they get older).

In terms of practical suggestions. Get through this as best you can. Feed him and carry him in the sling as you need to. In fact, if you can bear it, carry him more. I pretty much abandoned driving when dd was small, I did shopping on the internet and used the bus (same car seat problem). Don't for god's sake compare him to others or try a routine or anything, if he is like my dd then tbh there is absolutely no point, and it will create grumpiness. And good luck, much sympathy. It does get better and now dd is bascially very lovely.

[fillyjonk]

hannah, have you considered a different sort of sling?

I used an ergo with mine, it is very comfortable.

[blueshoes]

Violette, it is not anything you are doing. It is your ds' temperament. As filly says, your ds is high needs

I should know, I have had 2. I know that zero-to-sixty in 2 seconds type of crying so well. And not knowing how to wind himself down when tired.

I second going with the flow and not worrying about bad habits. Your little one is just frustrated with being a baby and not being able to do things for himself. It will get better once he starts sitting up, crawling, walking.talking. Each milestone will make him more and more settled.

My ds is just turned one, so I am still in the throes of it with him. But dd is now 4. She is so strong willed, but she gives as much as she takes. She is such great company, a delight to have around, when she is not whinging.

I do think high needs babies have lovely personalities when older. They tend to be more sociable, determined, lively, engaging. No my babies never sat quietly in a carseat or a buggy. They always had to be on the go and on the move, until they hit the wall and cried with fatigue.

But hey, those are sterling qualities in a young adult. Your ds will never admit defeat. He will keep battling on and on. Wow - you are so lucky.

RIght now, it seems ds is just taking and taking. But what you put in, he will return in kind when he is older, many times over. Really. Hang in there

[fillyjonk]

dr sears website

I have to admit, I found this site when dd was about a month old and I CRIED, I was SO relieved.