Advice needed on 4 year old boys behaviour at school and the way the teacher handled it..........

[northerner]

Ds is 4.5 and my only child, so I am new to dealing with schools and teachers and the like...

Anyway ds is a cute loveable child who likes to entertain and make his friends laugh. I think he is doing this by being cheeky/naughty at school. His teacher has already spoken to me on one occassion about how he sometimes goes too far and does not know where to draw the line. They have a thinking chai at school and I know he sits on it most days.

Today I picked him up as normal, I was half way accross the playground with ds when his teacher came running after me saying 'I need a word about ds's behaviour today'. I asked if she wanted me to go inside school. She said no, here is fine. So she proceeded to tell me about how naughty he has been today in the middle of the playground.

It turns out he has not listened all day, refused to tidy up, and has been pushing other children. I was quite taken aback as she caught me unawares. I just said I would talk to ds about it at home. Which I have.

His teacher seemed very angry and adjitated and made it clear to me and ds she is not at all happy.

Of course I love ds, I also see his kind, loviing side and I am worried she is not seeing this ans he is being labelled as the naughty child.

Has anyone else got any experience of this? Will he settle down or is it down hill from here. Also should she have spoken to me in the playground, is this the norm?

Are they taking it too seriously, after all he is only 4?

Any advice greatly appreciated. Thanks.

[kid]

Its all down to the school policy on how they handle behaviour, but I don't think it was appropriate to discuss it with you in the playground, especially as you hadn't asked her how he had been.
I would suggest making an appointment with the teacher so you can ask what they intend to do to show your DS how he should be behaving. At 4 years old it seems a bit tough, but there are up to 30 children in the class. Could you imagine if all of them decided not to listen, pushed others etc.

Rewards work much better than punishment so the teacher needs to come up with a way of doing this. Is she new to the school? Its hard to go in as a parent and tell the teacher what they should do, but if her answer is to just moan to you in the playground at the end of the day, she obviously could do with some suggestions. Maybe something that you find works at home?

[Blu]

I would ask to see her after school, at a time when you could talk to her without DS present, and find out exactly what she means. Some specific examples - like is he talking on the carpet when they need to be quiet, or rampaging about, or what.

Then you can get an idea of exactly how disruptive he is being, and maybe agree with her some specific popints to emphasise to DS.

My DS had a problem in Reception because he was always talking during register, and consequently never picked to take the rewgister to the office - a huge honour and all the kids love doing it!. Because I had a specific example, I could ask him why he was talking (a friend always whispered 'boyblu..boyblu' and talked to him, and he thought the friend would be sad if he didn't answer) and offere some specific ideas about how I thought he could improve his behaviour.

ime telling 4 year-plds to 'be better' in a vague general sense isn't very helpful - they need very clear instructions as to what to do and what not to do in each situation.

However lovable he is, Reception seems to concentrate on getting them to fit in with the classroom atmosphere of order!

[northerner]

No she's not new to it. I'd say she's about 40 ish with 3 daughters of her own.

[northerner]

She did give examples.

After playtime they line up in 2's to go back into class. He was pushing his co linee and then pushing other kids out of line.

He pulled a hat of a boys head at playtime nad threw it over the gate.

They were doing colouring today and teacher said it was tim eto tidy up and put pens away. She asked him twice, then he waited till she wasn't looking and carried on colouring, then refused to help tidy up.

Apparantly he showed no remorse for any of his behaviour today.

I really feel his teacher does not like him. Is that me being stupid?

[Ladymuck]

Well the not listening is fairly standard for a 4.5yo, but the others are less so. Children do mature at different paces though. Most children have outgrown the pushing etc before they start school.

I would suggest arranging a proper meeting with the teacher to find out more. I think that that comment I find odd in your note is that you're concerned that he's not being seen as cute and funny but instead is being seen as a PITA. He may be a very cute and funny kid, but if he is disrupting the class then it isn't on, and he needs to understand that he has to control his behaviour. Your note seems to come across that you're expecting the teacher to go "oh how cute" when he's being funny for his friends rather than tidying up? If he is on the thinking chair most days then you might want to find out how many other children are in the same position? It will give you an idea if say 10 or more are regulars, or whther he is one of only 2 or 3.

Certainly having the conversation in the playground is a bit odd, but if ds was present then she will be saying it for his benefit, so that he knows that any time he does play up in class you will know about it.

Is she taking it too seriously? Hard to tell because so much of reception is about learning to learn, but by the end of the school year he will need to be able to do all of those things (listen, follow simple orders and not to push).

That said, it may just be a maturity thing. Did he go to nursery or similar before school, and if so how was he there?

[northerner]

Gosh no, I don't expect her to overlook this behaviour because he is cute and funny. Didn't mean to come accross like this at all. What I am worried about is he is only displaying bad behaviour at school and she thinks he is all bad. Does that make sense?

He did go to nursery before school, and I guess towards the end he was rather boisterous.

[hippmummy]

You're not being stupid - you're his mum and you still think of him as your baby.

However, I think its very unlikely that she doesn't like him. It's just that the examples of behaviour she has given things which aren't really acceptable in school, and need nipping in the bud so that she can run her classroom smoothly.

It's important that they get sorted quickly so that he doesn't end up being labelled the 'naughty boy'.

[Soapbox]

I think this is the classic home vs school issue!

At home we have one child being a bit boisterous, not listening, failing to follow basic instructions etc at school a teacher potentially has 20 or more children all doing the same!

The whole point of reception IME is to get the children to conform, to listen to the teacher etc. If a teacher loses control of the childrne in her class it can be complete anarchy and no-one is going to learn anything!

Are you sure that the behaviour is only happening at school, and it is not just that you view the same behaviour differently from the teacher?

Either way, I would expect to see school work with you to get the behaviour sorted - it is way too disruptive if it continues on as it is.

[foxinsocks]

Has he been in reception since September or January?

I would have another meeting with her to find out how she wants to deal with it so that you're both consistent in your approach. He can't be the first boisterous 4 year old she's met and I imagine her meetings with you are more to find out whether he's normally like this (so it's more of a challenge for her!) or whether you are likely to be on her side when it comes to deciding how to deal with it (so whether that means she gives him stickers for good behaviour or a star chart type thing...)

[northerner]

Well no it's not just at school. He sometimes doesn't listen at home, answers back etc etc, but don't most 4 year olds so this at home?

I hear the other mums saying the same, but their kids are not like it at school.

[northerner]

He started part time last September and full time in January.

[Blu]

Does he do the other sorts of things away from school? The pushing in the queue type thing, or the hat-throwing?

[beckybrastraps]

I bet some of them are!

I felt a bit like this when ds started school. I dreaded the first parents evening and thought it would be a litany of misbehaviour. But I came away walking on air. His teacher told me when she had had to have words with him because she assumed he would mention it and she wanted it clear what it had been about, and how she had dealt with it. She was completely understanding about his behaviour. And it improved, of course, as he got used to school. I'm sure it will be fine.

[Soapbox]

Yes, I see what you mean.

I think that is probably the answer in a way. He has to learn that different standards of behaviour will be tolerated at school than at home - which most children do get very quickly!

A telling off from a teacher is still a huge deal to most children.

I suppose what this boils down to is does he respect an authority figure enough to change his behaviour for her?

My DC's have always been complete goody two shoes at school, but monsters at home! Perhaps that is the easiest way round

[katierocket]

You definitely need to speak to the teacher when she has some time and without your DS there. It does sound like disruptive behaviour but equally I'm sure it's something that can be sorted out easily with the right approach.

[Whizzz]

my DS went through a phase at school when he was in Reception. We started a sticker chart at home - when he had a good day - he got to stick on a sticker, bad day = no sticker. Fortuntately it didn;t last long!
His teacher spoke to us at the school doors, I wouldn't have been expected to have been taken inside unless it was very serious.
Does the class have any sort of reward chart ?? DSs had a sunshine (good), cloud (bad) & half & half ! Their photos got moved throughout the day and as parents could see the chart through the window, it was quite a god way of seeing how he'd been !
With something like pushing, I'd make sure he understands that he shouldnt be pushing other children & why ie - it might hurt them etc.

[northerner]

Yes Blu, I am not suprised that he has done these things, and yes, occassionally I will see him do this out of school. Of course I always tell him off and he will lose a privelage.

[Soapbox]

Sorry meant to say - that in order for him to grasp the seriousness of getting in the teacher's bad books - you do have to treat the fact she had to speak to you as being very important and being very serious.

Time for a bit of a heavy talk I think - eeek!

[Fireflyfairy2]

Hi, not sure about other 4yr olds, but no, mine wasn't boistrous at school. In fact she bent over backwards at school to please her teacher. I can sort of see why the teacher was a bit stressed out, especially if he was smart enough to wait until she wasn't looking before continuing to colour in. And she has a whole class of people to discipline, perhaos she is afraid other children seeing your son play up & is afraid they may copy him??

Have you sat him down & asked him about why he does it? Do you think it is for attention? As he is an only child he obviously gets all your attention at home, then at school has to compete for the teachers attention.

What does he say when you tell him you are disappointed in his behaviour?

[northerner]

If I ask him why he does it he shrugs and says he doesn't know, or he's forgotten.

He does not like it when I am disspointed and alwasy says sorry. Does not get upset and cry though like some kids would.

[shimmy21]

As an ex teachr I must admit that I have been guilty of speaking to parents in the playground too - although I would always make sure we were not in listening distance of anyone else. I guess my reasons were that it feels much less formal and less of a 'telling off' than asking a parent to come in to the school. The easiest way for a teacher to keep the channels of communication open is often to have a quick chat at handing over time.

Your ds's behaviour does sound 'normal' for a boisterous 4 year old in that it's common but not normal in the sense of being ok in a school. (Put yourself in the position of the parent whose child has been pushed out of the line or had their hat thrown over the fence - especially as they too are just getting used to school and small things like this matter a lot when you are 4!)

I'd approach it with the attitude that both you and the teacher want the same thing - for both your ds and the other children to be happy and to learn. At the moment your ds hasn't yet learned this new set of rules (and it is so true about how it helps to spell out exactly what you mean in very simple terms. e.g. You do what the teacher tells you straight away every time.)

See if you can instigate a meeting with the teacher to tackle the issue head on working with the school. If they haven't suggested it themselves yet, ask for a positive incentive scheme for ds e.g. a sticker for days with no problems (or less if a day is too much to ask ds). Seek out the teacher every day to get some feedback on ds's day and go big on the praise when there are no problems.

I bet the teacher will love ds by the end of the month

[shimmy21]

I mean praising ds not the teacher but you could try praising the teacher too -it can't hurt

[Blandmum]

I don't think that it is a case of the teacher not liking him, but rather that she cannot allow his behaviour to continue.

As others have said 'silly' behaviour in a single child is quite different from the same behaviour in a class of 25-30 children on the same age.

I doubt that they will expect his behaviour to miraculously change over night....as you say he is only 4, but now is the time to start to make changes

I would have another chat with the teacher....book a time if possible, and agree a joint plan of behaviour management. We all know that kids don't do well if they don't have continuety of approach from parents, the same is true of parents and teachers. You need to agree to a joint hymn sheet, and keep singing from it. I'm sure it will all be sorted out soon

she may have thought that a quick chat in the playground was less off putting than a formal chat in school , or a letter.

[northerner]

Thanks guys, you are right. I guess if she had arranged a meeting in school I'd have thought he was about to be expelled! That would be much more serious than a quick chat at home time.

Thanks for your suggesstions, you have helped me see things from another perspective other than a mum defending her boy!

[frances5]

Has your child had a hearing test at school yet. Sometime glue ear can interfere with a child's ablity to follow instructions.

I think it must be really tiring to have a 30 four to five year olds all day.