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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Behaviour/development

hitting and other abuse is it okay?

28 replies

annagillian · 04/04/2016 00:08

I am not a parent, I'm a teen and I want to know if this is okay as you are all mums...
all few my life I have had a mum with anger issues and a dad who would never help.
Since I was young all I can remember is my sister crying, being so afraid, running and hiding from my mum and dad, hiding under my bed and be dragged out to be hit so, so ,so hard. I used to have nightmares about it. My mum would always drag me along the floor and my dad would always smack me.
But this is because of my behaviour, I don't know what I was like then, but I know I missed behaved.
Now I am older nothing has changed except I get more angry, I swear a lot and I'm violent but I don't thing its my fault, its the way I have been brought up!
My mum will still drag me along the floor so will my dad, they will still hit me, one time I was left we a huge mark on my leg and back I was screaming and crying in pain. My mum will slap me across the face, and she has hit my sister with a chopping board before. And this has all made me hate my life so much, made me want to start my life again but the worst thing is I cant.
My parent are loving and all but that doesn't change anything.
I will destroy things with my anger, swear over and over again break things and make a mess but I can't control it, I have tried, that's why I get punished.
I don't want to hit my parents and if I do its once and no where near as bad as what my parents have done to me, but still I feel bad.
And at the end of the day after they have hurt me they make me say sorry.
My parents have become so controlling, we have no screen days and no eating on the sofa, no t.v after they go to bed, this all makes me so mad, not that I can't watch t.v but because they are so controlling!
This has all made me hate my dad!
The other day I was bad and he got a dirty cloth and rubbed it on my mouth, it really hurt and I started crying, he said that did hurt... this made me so angry!
I really hate my life now, I look to other families and wish I was in theres, but I'm not.
What do you think? Am I in the wrong?

OP posts:

Report

NameChange30 · 04/04/2016 00:14

Oh, love. No it's not OK and you're not in the wrong. Your parents are abusive, their behaviour is very wrong and it's not your fault.

Please contact Childline - this link has a phone number and other ways to get in touch such as online chat:
www.childline.org.uk/talk/Pages/Talk.aspx

readyforno2 · 04/04/2016 00:20

Of course it's not ok.
I second Emma, think about contacting childline. Or, if you have a teacher/aunt etc that you can speak to do that instead. Don't suffer in silence.

NameChange30 · 04/04/2016 00:20

How old are you, by the way? Are you at school or college or anything?

annagillian · 04/04/2016 00:33

Hi, I'm 15 and when I was 14 I went to my school welfare team, about my dad hitting me on my leg, they contacted child serves that's looked at my leg and talked to me and my family, after they said they weren't going to do anything because my parents seemed responsible and wouldn't do it again but that's not true, but my behaviour is bad, and I can admit that, but I don't think there care when they hurt me and when I cry. My dad says I don't want to hit you after he does but is that really true?

OP posts:

Buzzardbird · 04/04/2016 00:38

You need to call police or childline.

GreenMouse · 04/04/2016 00:40

Oh sweetie I have a son your age, and your message brought tears to my eyes.

What your parents are doing is abuse. It's not right, it's not your fault, and your anger and lashing out is probably due to how you are being treated.

If you dad really didn't want to hit you he wouldn't do it. Please call childline.

NameChange30 · 04/04/2016 00:42

I'm sorry child services didn't help you.

I think that unfortunately your parents hit you and your sister because they choose to do it. But that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with either of you. It means there is something very wrong with your parents I don't think that the things they say are true either.

Please do talk to Childline if they can. Hopefully they can help you much more than child services did last time.

Do you have any best friends at school? Do your parents let you go to their houses? Do you think maybe one of their mums would be able to listen and help you?

NameChange30 · 04/04/2016 00:43

Sorry, I meant to write:
"Please do talk to Childline if you can."

annagillian · 04/04/2016 00:48

That's the thing I really don't want to, I feel like its not bad enough to do that, I don't get hit every week, its only when I'm REALLY bad. I told my friend about how my mum hit my sister with a chopping board and she said why would your mum do that!? When I say to my dad nobody's parents do this he has always said yes some do. My older sister doesn't like to be at home because of the hate. I haven't had the child hood I have wanted, and I see a councillor, when I go all my mum ever seems to do is complain about me.

OP posts:

readyforno2 · 04/04/2016 00:49

This is not your fault. Please remember this.

MissBeaHaving · 04/04/2016 01:05

Please tell your counsellor what is going on,this isn't fair or right for you or your sister.
Parents have a responsibility to look after their children not hurt them or make them afraid.

If you can't talk to her then please ring childline even if it's just for a chat,you both deserve so much more than this,life can change for you both & I speak from experience.

annagillian · 04/04/2016 01:29

Okay thank you :)

OP posts:

Homebird8 · 04/04/2016 03:42

Sweetheart, no matter what your behaviour, and you know right from wrong and that you take it too far sometimes, you should not be attacked like this by your family.

You have made a great move. You are telling people what is happening. You have told school welfare and through them child services. It didn't fix everything but there is now a record of what happened to you. If you tell them again what is happening then they can take more notice and help more.

It's not the same but my son was being bullied. He told us and we spoke with the school who sorted it out. Or at least, that's what we thought. It was nearly a year later when my son ended up in hospital that he found the courage to tell the doctor what was going on. We asked him why he hadn't told us again when the bullying continued and he said it was because it hadn't worked the first time. When we found out everything he'd been going through we and the school were able to put a stop to it.

He was only 11 when he was going through this and you are a little older and wiser than him. I think you can learn a bit from his experience. You tell anyone who will listen. Tell Childline, tell your teachers, tell your counsellor. Keep telling them, every time anything happens, and until people start to listen about what has already been happening.

You do not deserve to live in fear and pain. People do care and can help more if you tell them more. Keep posting here and people will help you work out how to get help for you and your sister.

MyFriendsCallMeOh · 04/04/2016 14:43

It's not right for anyone to harm or hurt anyone else, regardless of what they've done. Children often show what adults consider "bad" behavior and they need to learn the difference between right and wrong. Physical punishment causes fear, not learning. I cant begin to tell you how wrong this is. Please please call childline. You need to get out of this environment where you are afraid and abused. Don't let it continue and don't let it become normal. It's not. You deserve better than this.

NameChange30 · 04/04/2016 15:17

If you get chance please do let us know how you're doing and if you've been in touch with Childline.

How old is your sister?

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 04/04/2016 17:33

There are situations where a small slap is the safest option.

Not many, but sometimes. I had to knock dd's hand away from the oven she was about to touch when she was much smaller. She was in the other room when I left her to refil her cup. In the playpen. Little sod opened the gate! I shouted 'NO' but got ignored. So my reflex was to move her hand before she got a burn.

And last week, she decided to have a full on tantrum as we were doing bedtime stuff. I think the last nappy had the wrong picture on or something. Arms and legs everywhere. She kicked me in the face and made my nose bleed. She had one slap to the padded bit of her leg to shock her.

Anything more than that is OTT.

You need to speak to somebody yo trust. You know who will help you and your sister. Teachers have a duty to report it, so do doctors.

Good luck.

Buzzardbird · 04/04/2016 17:55

You kinda didn't RTFT did you Why?

MrsHathaway · 04/04/2016 18:38

For anyone to hit anyone the way you describe is utterly, utterly wrong. Do please talk to school again: a teacher you trust, or your head of year or tutor, or find out who is in charge of "safeguarding" - you should be able to find that out very easily by searching "safeguarding Forest Park School" or whatever in Google.

Don't talk to your parents about it because they don't think they're wrong and they will try to convince you.

I'm afraid the no screens, eat at the table stuff isn't controlling but parenting, so try not to get too tied up with that. Controlling would be stopping you from being friends with someone, or not letting you make your own subject options choices, that kind of thing.

Do try to take responsibility for your own actions. I feel from your OP in particular that you're saying "it's their fault I misbehave" and that isn't true since you know right from wrong. What kind of adult do you want to be? Try to be that person now: if they assault you at that point, do consider calling the police.

Good luck.

MrsHathaway · 04/04/2016 18:40

By the way, have you used your real name as your username? If so, I'd really highly recommend you get it altered - MNHQ can do this if you ask by clicking "report this post".

Homebird8 · 04/04/2016 20:36

I actually reported for you so that MumsNet can help you with your username if necessary.

Have you managed to call Childline yet? Or googled your school's safeguarding information? You can always ask a teacher at school to tell you who is in charge of safeguarding. Do you get in trouble at school or is it just at home things go wrong?

77889party · 04/04/2016 21:20

I have changed my username and I'm seeing my councillor tomorrow, so I will talk to her then :)

Homebird8 · 04/04/2016 22:40

Well done on deciding to tell your counsellor. You seem very able to be calm and sensible about what to do when you have good advice.

I think what MrsHathaway told you about TV times and stuff is really annoying but probably a reasonable expectation of the sort of rules parents have to put in place for all sorts of reasons. The violence of course is not like this and it is something that you should not suffer alone or in silence with.

I wonder if you can answer AnotherEmma and tell us how old your sister is. Is she older than you? It sounds like it but I might be wrong. Has she ever told anyone what has been happening?

NameChange30 · 04/04/2016 22:55

Well done for changing your username. I hope it goes well with your counsellor tomorrow. Let us know how it goes, if you can.

77889party · 04/04/2016 23:13

She's 18 but I don't see her that much

NameChange30 · 04/04/2016 23:33

Does she still live with you and your parents, or has she moved out now? Does she have her own place or live with someone else? (Sorry for all the questions!)

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