Life with a strong character child, advices pls, pls!

[shebnem]

I am a single mum with a very lovely 5 yrs old dd and I have no family around, I am on my own with her.
Some of you may remember I broke up with her father bcause of domestic violence and bfore and after that we had really difficult life with her in womens refuges etc.
She is a strong character. And at all difficult times I was the sole carer of her.
Life with her is not easy at home and outside.
At home I can only do normal house work, some of them. I cant do telephone calls etc, everytime she jumps and my blood goes cold. Every important-some of them very important has to wait till she starts to school which is making me anxious as some of them need early action. She stopped doing it for a while, but started again, anyway if she doesn?t do still cant call anyone, I feel stressed of it if she does again.
I thought of involving her at home with stuff to do but she is driving me mad at everything we do together, she is so insistent of everything she says, she wants, so I feel so much irritated. So it is hard for me to approach her.
At home I feel like a person who has stroke.
When we go out she gets exited so I feel stressed.
I feel embarrassed with the things she does when people around so I cant mix with people, which is bad too.
All of these depressing me I think. I don?t know what to do, this is a very hard life style for me and her I believe.
The schools will start and I don?t know how I will study with her.
I bought a byce for her a couple of months ago, but I couldn?t fix it dreading how I will go park with her.
I recently took her to holiday for 2 weeks only for her sake, I knew I wouldn?t relax there, and I was like a security guard, carer there. I had to watch her in the pool, she is handful, and mediate her with the children there, in my view she was starting all the arguments there by touching and little pushing, like trying to get their attention.
She is still doing things that I don?t like and have told not to do many times.
She is v picky at eating, cant touch fruit, doesn?t eat normal breakfast (tried my best).
Other than that she is smiley, happy faced, social, creative, etc.
I don?t know what to do, and I don?t know how long I can go on like this.
I want to have a normal life and work, I had a v good career bfore, but I feel v weakened now.
Advices pls, pls!!!!

[Bibliophile]

It sounds as if you've had a really hard time, and you may well - understandably - be depressed. Go and see your GP, as your levels of anxiety seem very high.
Your daughter sounds normal from what you write. The problem seems to be your stress levels rather than her behaviour (that's not a criticism of you btw).
Excitement in a five year old is GOOD thing! What is the problem with phone calls? I don't understand? It is pretty normal for five year olds to interrupt etc, people expect it IME. You just say, 'Oh that's my five year old interrupting me!' Don't worry too much about studying with her - she's only five. Let her try stuff on her own and make a rule with yourself that if you start getting stressed, anxious or critical, you just put any homework away and do something else. Also try praising your daughter all the time - even for tiny things. If she says 'please' or walks well with you, or helps you at all, really go overboard with praise for her. She'll love it and it will make everything nicer. And try to let things go - little things that annoy you or you think aren't done properly, just ignore them if they aren't important.
And do please see someone about your stress, depression and anxiety. You deserve to feel better than you do.

[Bibliophile]

Also, what things does she do that embarrass you? She's very little!

[shebnem]

telephone conversation thing is only an example, where she turns me stupid to whom i talk, i forget what i am going to say, or hear what other person is trying to say.
one example of embarrasing thing she is doing is touching other peoples bums, i am embarrassed to mention this really. at this age she is interested on such stuff maybe, i told her not to do but she still did it.

[Bibliophile]

Re the phone conversations, make them while she is at school or simply tell the person you are talking to, 'sorry, my five year old is talking to me so I'm getting a bit muddled, let me try again'. People do understand. It's normal to feel as if your brain's being put through a blender with small children around! And hard for you, because you've got nobody to entertain her while you are on the phone. Would she watch a video while you speak?
Do you really think her behaviour is extremely unusual? Has anyone else commented? What about your Health Visitor?

[shebnem]

i got some comments about her behaviuour. her teacher thinks she is immature and she has been referred to a project in council, and at school i had made friends with parents but i feel they dont want to mix their children with her.

[shebnem]

during all these difficult times i tried to find the root of the problem.
is it my stress causing her behaviours or is it her character getting me stressed, depressed, etc.

[shebnem]

i think her behaviour can be changed but it is a very very hard work, and i feel weak, and i have lots to do in my mind like we have to move soon, which i had put on hold till she will start school next week. i got 2 months notice and i already lost 3 weeks of it without being able to do anything about it.

[Notquitesotiredmum]

Shebnem

You could have been describing my 2 dss here. They too are very lively - well, a total handful, to be honest. I too restrict what I am doing around the house so that I can play with them (mainly in order to limit the mischief they get upto.) I too have to get incredibly angry if I need to make a phone call when they are around. I too have limited the time we spend with other children until they learn to behave sociably. It's just too stressful to be intervening all of the time - but I will not ignore bad behaviour: snatching, hitting, touching bottoms, etc.

I don't have the answers but wanted to let you know that you are not alone in what you are coping with. We don't have any family around us. I do have a dh to support me, but he works long hours and sees the children for just a few hours a week. I sympathise totally with you.

Bibliophile's post is spot on. Do see your GP. Our children's behaviour is relatively normal, and in a more normal setting, with family and friends around to distract them and wear them out, and with positive role models to copy - sitting at a family table for a meal, for example - their behaviour would soon seem better. If you can be upbeat and lighthearted in dealing with things, problems tend to dissolve, rather than escalate. What you (I?) need is coping strategies for keeping us sane and for having enough energy to be a family for our kids. Look after yourself. Try different strategies with your dd, like lots of praise - but in the meantime, keep on posting. Others may have some more good ideas and I find that it helps in more ways than one. Ironically, as I have been sitting here for 20 mins, without my watching them my two boys have played better than they have for the last 3 hours.

Aaagghh! They've just started fighting. I'm off!

[morningpaper]

Are you in touch with Home Start? They offer visits by volunteers - another adult who sees how things are going might be able to offer some advice or help. Perhaps you could contact your local branch?

[fattiemumma]

you need to contact your gp.
You have been through a lot and so has your daughter. you have now isolated yourself further because you feel; her behaviour is poor and that she doesn't socialise well.....that may be because she isn't experiance enough with other people to know what to do in those situiations?

I am guessing that your not english? so it will be evenmore difficult for you to feel accepted no do doubt, and finding the help and support you need is bound to be even harder for you.

speak to your Gp as i say, he may be able to firstly direct you to a counciler for you to speak to someone about what you have been going through 0r even discuss the possibility that you are depressed...it certainly wouldn't surprise me given all that you have been through.

also speak to him aboout your concerns re your DD. he may be able to recommend a child counciler for her...don't forget she has been though all you have, it may well have been very traumatic fr her and therefore has affected what she seems as appropriate behaviour.

speak to the school, the HV, the GP....basicly everyone whome youhave contact with regarding your DD. the more people that know the more help you wil get.
also some agencies know of help that others don't so you won't miss out on any potential help if everyone knows.

[fattiemumma]

Homestart will only accept you if you have a child under 5 im afraid.

[shebnem]

thanks for your msgs.
thanks a lot Notquitesotiredmum, its good that i am not alone feeling like this.
and thanks Bibliophile, i am trying to take into account all ideas and try to find solution in your words.
i just want to find out: is it my stress that is making her handful, or is it her behaviours that is making me feel stressed in everything i do.
i have to find out this for the sake of our lives. and then try to do what is best for us.
btw i usually praise her everything she does nice, i never miss.

[shebnem]

i just now see yr msg fattiemumma, thank you. i will read it very well.

[shebnem]

i have contacted to homestart but i couldnt get sufficient help, i couldnt get contact with gingerbread.
and the other thing is i dont like to talk negative things about her to GP etc, in case it goes to her records and effect her future life.

[fattiemumma]

hun you are struggling. it doesn't go on any records other tan to say "hey i am finding her behaviour difficult and i wuold like some help"

your not talking negative your asking for assistance. no one will take her away or think your a bad mum i promise. by seeking help before it gets out of hand you are being a very brave, repsonsible parent who clealry feels so much love for her daugter that she will do all it takes.

please don't worry about telling people. they need to know the facts..all of them, in order to giveyou the help you need.

[shebnem]

i had meetings with counsellor through gp, she thinks she is strong character, and center of my life at the mom.
and after school starts we will have meetings with somebody like child counsellor bcause she was referred to a project through school and my consent.

[shebnem]

atm another idea in my mind is go to gp and get some ad's like prozac, i hope it is not addictive.
so that i will get my stress levels down.
i have used other ad's like lustral when we were in womens refuge but i didnt see too much help of it.

[shebnem]

bump

[Oracle]

I would make an appointment with your GP but before you go make a list of your concerns.

When you are on the phone does your DD continue to talk at you as if she is unaware that you are making a call - that is different from just trying to grab your attention. Apart from other touching bums are there other things that your DD does which are inappropriate? Does she find it difficult to play with other kids? Either barging in and wanting to rule the game of spoiling the game and upsetting the other children.You also say that she is a picky eater you need to add this to your list. Do you have conversations with your DD or is it more like a question and answer session?

It's easy to say don't worry and that your DD is like other kids her age but sometimes something just does not click and your gut tells you that something is different. She has been through a great deal and so had my middle son. His father was a drinker and was also aggressive. We split when he was 4 years old. Because of the past my son was 13 when he finally got a diagnosis of autism. I am not saying that your daughter has autism what I am saying is that sometimes the professionals can't see past the bad times the child has lived through and sometimes they need to.

Making a list is a good place to begin because it will help you. I had never realised that my son would not sleep in his bed unless a certain duvet cover was on until I started writing everything down.

Oracle

[shebnem]

hi oracle,
about phone i talked to her and she didnt do it for a while and afterwards she came to me telling 'r u happy i havent interrupt u?' then she started doing it maybe thinking i am on phone to someone she knows and she can mix to the talk.
about her strange behaviours outside other than touching bums, she is a bit too much over people. some people-children like it some dont. her acts to them touching, etc is to start play with them, some undertsand and play, some look at her why she did it and they dont like it.
i thought of her, if she has adhd, etc, but when i am upset and away from her she is acting calmly, not running around too much etc.
i guess all these are hardship of being a single mum at difficult conditions, and to take us out of this emotional state is to go to GP and sign for ad's. i dont know really, as i said i feel weak, i dont have too much strength left for new hopes.

[Notquitesotiredmum]

Hi Shebnem

If it is any help my ds1 improved a lot at the age of 5.5 though my ds2 is now quite challenging. I am sure that a chat with your GP is a good idea. Being a single parent, especially after all you have been through, is exhausting and you deserve being looked after.

Your opening title was, I think, really relevant. There are books about parenting strong willed children and using different strategies with them. My two are particularly enthusiastic about things and behave completely differently when excited/enthusiastic than when we are having an 'ordinary' day. I have had to limit the fun things that we do, to try to keep them on an even keel.

I read recently about the telephone thing, that children will try it on particularly when you are on the phone, as they know you are helpless to act then, and so often get away with it. (Similarly, when you are driving the car) Your dd is old enough to be told that you need to speak with someone on the phone and that if she interrupts then X, Y, or Z will happen. Be firm and consistent - if you threaten something then carry it through and she should still get the idea. (It sounds easy to do when you are not tired, so perhaps try it when it is not such an important call, and when you feel up to it.)

Just a handy hint. Hope that it helps.

Best of luck.

[shebnem]

thank you so much Notquitesotiredmum for yr nice msg.

[Notquitesotiredmum]

You are welcome. How are things today?

[riab]

From what you have said I think you have a normal five yr old girl, who is maybe a bit lacking in some social skills - possibly because of the difficult time you have both been through.

Go and see your GP and any other sources of help available to you, however I would suggest the best thing for both of you would be a nice calm year or two.

At this age (especially after a difficult time) children benefit from routines, knowing what they are doing at any given time.

Have a morning routine - getting ready for school, regular meals and regular bedtimes. Every morning when you get her up tell her what you are doing today.

If you need to get jobs done then tell her, 'mommy is going to wash up now and then we will play with ...'
Limit your jobs to 10-15 minutes, and reward her afterwards by spending 20 minutes with her.

Read her stories about social situations - there's lots of good books out there about playgroups, school, going to the park etc. that way you can talk about what to do in those situations with her at home first.

Ask her how school is going - some children find it difficult to go from having mum around one - one to being in a class of 25+

She will do things you don't like, its part of beign a toddler - try not to get stressed about it and decide what is really important. Not many 5 yr olds can sit quietly while mom is talking on the phone - they want to join in and this is a good sign as it shows that your daughter has an interest in socialising. She also wants your attention.
Now she is at school can you do phone calls etc while she is out? and then save 3-6pm as mommmy time when you play with her and give her your full attention.

One thing I am unclear on, when you say she touches people's bums and touches other children - what exactly do you mean? Does she push/slap their bottoms or do you mean she touches their genitals? (willy or fanny).

[shebnem]

hi riab,
thank you very much for your nice msg.
the schools started and i feel a lot better that i can do the things i have to do like looking for another place to move.
before i think i was anxious, stressed and frustrated that i wasnt able to do them. i didnt want to end up in bed and breakfast as we had spent nearly a year in women's refuges.
i think as a single mother i must have this excuse that i have to delay stuff, before i was trying to push myself to do them which stressed me a lot.
as i said in my starting msg my dd is a social, happy faced girl. her touching bottoms started as a joke i guess. she did it to a close one, that person laughed and tried to test it on other people. her other touches are like cuddling, kissing - she is very affectionate to everything dogs, cats, little children. but she was doing it to people we dont know so i was embarrassed. every time she sees a baby, a dog, a cat she gets exited.
my first msg was written on a very down day of mine, i needed to talk to someone, i didnt know where to turn.
but all yr messages helped me to see 5 yr olds can act like her generally.
her only difference is she is more active than the others. for example when she sees a friend of hers she gets exited, ready to jump and cuddle or wave if she is far while the other one looks only.
or, for example; if she sees some children around,to start a game like 'catch me' she touches them on arm to take attention and start the game. but some children dont like it, they look as 'why she touched me', or get angry to her and hit back where i have to mediate.
these are her touching ways
in all of these situations i have always explained to her it is wrong, but she gets exited and forget what i have said, and i think this part of being her age. but i watch her really close at park or anywhere else not to cause any disturbance, which is very tiring.
anyway thanks again.