For not ironing something for DH?

[SantaCruise]

Everything has become a blur and I'm unsure of what is normal behaviour now and what is him just taking the piss so please bare with me.
Dh works full time. I am at college part time so am at home more than he is. He also does alot of the housework but this is his choice, I don't make him. He insists on taking over in the kitchen for instance, does 90% of the cooking BY CHOICE. One thing he won't do is ironing so fair enough, I take on that responsibilty. But because I'm at college, I don't have all day every day to do housework so I do get behind with it sometimes. Yesterday I had a massive pile of ironing so I spent 2 HOURS going through it. Not to mention doing breakfasts, the school run, 2 lots of laundry, hanging out in garden, taking DS to dentist, making dinner etc. DH comes home with some overalls and asks me to iron them. This was at 7pm last night. By this time I was getting tired, trying to sort DS out with bedtimes etc. He also wanted me to "sort the kitchen out" so he could do some baking . I have an eye infection atm so my eyes were red raw, stinging like mad, itching, I could barely see so I put off ironing these overalls. 9pm he asks again. I said "not now, I'm tired, my eyes are hurting and I'm not feeling great". 11pm he says "wow look at the time - and you still have to iron those things for me yet!" I snapped "have you SEEN my eyes??? why can't you just do it for this once??" so he snaps back "because I do everything else, ironing is YOUR job". He doesn't do EVERYTHING else. I'm sure he thinks I just sit at home watching TV all day.
So aibu to insist that if he wants something ironing at an awkward time he should do it himself? Before today he has tried to get me up at 5am to iron his work clothes before he sets off. I find it a bit pathetic that he can't do it himself every now and again.

Or AIBU because he works full time and I don't??

[nickschick]

See I think he is being unreasonable in fact id go as far as saying hes a twat but my dh is the same and so i now kind of pick my battles and I think for the sake of a few minutes ironing is it worth the row?

[HousewifeOfOrangeCounty]

You are not being unreasonable - he sounds like a child.

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

What was he doing at 11pm when he mentioned it again?

Because I tend to think that there's a certain amount of hours, a certain amount of tasks, and it gets divided up depending on who's available to do what.

And if you spend all evening responsible for the children, cleaning the kitchen, etc., and he's sitting on his arse, then he's being unreasonable. Don't think in terms of who does what, think in terms of how much free time have you both had today? If he's scrubbing the toilet, fair enough you should do the ironing. If he's watching telly, and they're his overalls (who irons OVERALLS?), I think he irons them.

nickschick - men like yours rely on you wanting to keep the peace, though.

[oldernowiser]

You are not being unreasonable at all. Your DH is behaving appallingly.
Waking you at 5am to iron his clothes!
Wanting you to sort the kitchen so he can bake1
Allocating the jobs in the house

And for fucks sake, does anyone really iron overalls?

How did he respond when you snapped?

[Eglu]

YANBU - If he needed them that desperately he should have done them himself, not continued to ask you to do it all evening

[GypsyMoth]

i dont know why so many MNers put up with this sort of behaviour....its 2010!!

[SantaCruise]

He even goes as far as to say "I'll get the ironing board out for you" etc.
In fture then I'm just going to tell him I do ironing during the day, if he wants something ironing he has to make sure its there for me to iron when I'm ironing. I am thinking of leaving the relationship anyway but for future reference, I want to know what kind of stuff is unreasonable because I've been putting up with so much shit for so long.

[lolapoppins]

Does he have two arms? I wouldn't dream of coming in and asking my dh to iron somehting for me, nor would he ask it if me.

We all take care of our own laundry in this house. I could not imagine sorting out someone elses clothes for them. Even our 7 year old puts his own washing on/dries it/puts away, so I dispair of grown men who can't or won't even look after their own basic needs.

[maktaitai]

I'm with tortoise - who the hell irons overalls?

And why was it essential for him to bake right then?

And if he does 90% of the cooking, why were you making dinner and breakfasts on one day? Does he do batch baking and cooking and puts stuff in the freezer for you? (good idea, if so).

and why is 'cooking' separate from 'clearing up the kitchen'? he needs to talk to my old cookery teacher who taught that the two were inextricably linked -'maktaitai you will NEVER be able to cook in this mess' - au contraire, you just can't cook very WELL in that mess, which is different

And why didn't he just iron them himself and then nurture a nice burning sense of resentment for a day or two as I would have done? [possibly not healthy emoticon]

However, I don't think you can say 'he's wrong, you're right' in this scenario. A chat when you're feeling better and he's feeling less stressed would be good. Try to let it go if you can, and focus on the future - how are you going to manage when someone is ill, if the jobs are THAT separate? What does he really think you do all day? What is the situation at his work atm? And why, oh why, does he need flat overalls?

[maktaitai]

possibly a tumble drier would be good here - removes all need for ironing?

[NorkyButNice]

He sounds charming.

I was annoyed with DH for not hanging up a pile of shirts that I ironed for him yesterday - he knows full well though that if he needs a shirt and there aren't any ironed, he can pick it up and do it himself!

[Mumcentreplus]

I understand you must pick your battles but he's taking the piss imo..he's so fortunate to have a person who would consider meeting his needs..its different to do something for love than for pressure and expectation..you need to talk to him about how he makes you feel!!

[expatinscotland]

Santa, your husband is an abusive rapist.

Please ring Women's Aid and get some help IRL.

I think there is something really wrong with you that you stay with a person who does this to you and hope you get some help.

[runnybottom]

My DH works fulltime, shift work, I'm a part time student, part time WAHM, full time SAHM to 3...we both cook, clean, do washing etc.
He asks me nicely to iron his shirts for work as he's crap at it, but wouldn't in a million years treat me like yours, and neither would I accept it from him.

If you lie down and write doormat on your head, people will walk all over you, I'm afraid.

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

I know this isn't everyone's view, but I draw a distinction between household/childcare tasks and personal tasks, too.

My husband is home more often than I am, since he's a student and I the main breadwinner. As such, he does do a little bit more childcare and housework (but it's about 55:45, really). I expect his priorities to go: childcare then housework then personal. So really, the extra time is spent with our daughter. If he has the opportunity (during her nap, or her television time, or if she wants to help out) then the laundry or some cooking gets done. If there's extra time again, then there's always something household-related to do.

I would never, ever, expect my ironing or lunch to be made, they're personal service things. To me, it's on a par with running someone a bath or doing some personal shopping for them - it's an act of love, not a household task to be divided out.

And I don't think it a coincidence that most of these housework-division threads centre on lunchmaking and ironing.

[notquitenormal]

If he wasn't to bake, he should clear the kitchen himself.
If he wan't his overalls ironed he should do it himself (and ironing overall? really?)

If he thinks he does everything else and ironing is the only thing that you do, I suggest that stop doing anything except ironing.

Then he can see what REALLY doing everything else means.

DP - who does plenty of housework - did that 'I do everything' thing to me once. He was a little surprised to find that, amongst other things, laundry doesn't magic itself into cupboards, shopping doesn't buy itself and toilets aren't actually self cleaning.

[Librashavinganotherbiscuit]

If my DH woke me at 5am to iron his clothes I would stick the bloody iron where the sun don't shine.

[expatinscotland]

Oh, Norky, he's a real charmer, her husband:

here.

He's abusive, Santa.

I'm stepping away from this now because you start threads on here all the time about his behaviour and people try to genuinely help you, but you don't want to hear the truth: that your husband is an abuser who sexually assaults you.

[maktaitai]

OK, have read other thread now.

That's really simple then. This has nothing to do with ironing or baking or any of that other stuff, and solutions of one sort or another are not going to make any difference. This is about you doing what he decides you should do.

in my first marriage, I used to wish that an external authortiy would come into the house and impartially decide whether what my xh said and did was reasonable, who was right and who was wrong. The thing is, it didn't matter. This is a private relationship and a family, and the way you want to live actually does count, your feelings are real things with an impact on your life. Does he appeal to 'logic' a lot, and denigrate 'emotions' and 'feelings' as having no reality? Well, they do. Any system of government, which is what you are living in, which takes no account of the feelings of the people in it, is going to feel shit even if logically it all fits together. Which makes it a tyranny, not a government.

4th of July coming up. I suggest you read the Declaration of Independence.

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

I think the OP knows this, but is looking to compile a list of things that make him an asshole in order to convince herself - so it's not that she's focusing unduly on the ironing, so much as she's now questioning everything and looking for a general perspective on how a reasonable relationship works.

[SantaCruise]

Ok what about this one then? I have a bit of money saved up which I've been saving for years. Just as a safety net and for our future. DH has no savings because he spends his money as soon as he gets it. He is OBSESSED with me spending the money I have saved. He's always going on about it saying "I don't know why you don't take £100 out of your savings and buy yourself X, Y and z?". He convinced me to buy a camera for £200 and now that I've managed to save that back up he's insisting that we go around town and spend £100 on clothes for myself. I've tried to consider all pyschological explanations of why he would do this and came up with -

1. He feels threatened because I have more money than he does
2. He's jealous and wants me to drain my savings away like he always does.
3. Its just another thing for him to control.

I'm leaning more towards the jealousy thing because a few weeks ago I was looking at my savings account online and he came up behind me, pointed to the balance and said "ha, when I get my money from my inheritance it will be like abother 0 added onto the end of what YOU have!". I was like "so? it's not a competition "

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

I think it's probably all three. You having money gives you independence and control, far better if you're reliant on him or at least reliant on sharing expenses with him.

[GypsyMoth]

maybe he knows deep down that you could (and should) be using it to escape??

[SantaCruise]

Actually Three, I think that may be what it does end up getting spent on! maybe you're right, maybe he's considered this himself?

[GypsyMoth]

i left a man like this.....the second i left him i was a changed woman....the dc were instantly happier too.

what are you waiting for?