IABU - how do I now fix it?

[FleeBee]

OK long story, but I've been unreasonable feel pants about it, but don't know where to go to fix the situation.

It involves my Dear Cousin Jen, (DCJ) we're both only children and our dad's are brothers, so she's the closest thing to sister. She lives with her dad, my uncle and I'm married. We're both in our early 30s.

We've been very close, holidays together, weekends away she used to spend every other weekend staying with me and DH, they get on brilliantly. That was until we had our DC and more importantly we moved house just prior to DC2 birth. Now I've seen her twice this year at DC2 christening in Jan and first birthday in May.

The big thing is until 2 years ago DCJ didn't drive - and I did, so I did all the driving, picking her up and taking her home after weekends, trips out. Then DCJ passed her driving test 2 years ago and bought a car which I thought would be fantastic with her getting out independently.

But the big matter is, she won't drive on motorways and to get to my new home from hers it's much quicker to go on a motorway than ordinary roads - but can be done - but possibly a 70 min drive as opposed to 35-40 mins.

At the end of last year we had a row about her coming to visit. She always wanted to see her at her (and my uncle's) home which isn't child friendly. My uncle is very houseproud and I didn't mind when DC were v. little but now they're moving it's more of a strain, I always pack toys to keep them entertained but don't feel I can relax as always on guard. DCJ never cooks, EVER! (my uncle an DCJ eat out a lot) and always wants to go out for pub lunch. But this is getting expensive for me and I've been made redundant so now SAHM.

I've suggested plenty of times she comes to me on a Sunday, spends time with us (she's DC1 godmother and they call her Auntie) and I will make Sunday lunch, not much more effort to stretch to another person. But sadly she's refusing to drive here and as we've lived her now for 12 months I've barely seen her.

If you're still with me, this is the unreasonable bit. My neighbour is a driving instructor so I asked if he'd take a nervous driver on the motorways. He said no problem and would be happy to give motorway lessons, as many or as few as she needed to get her confidence and practice.

So I emailed DCJ to tell her this and we've ended up in a big row, where she flatly refuses to try a motorway lesson, she's angry with me and I feel resentful that she won't even try.

It's ridiculous but now I need help to sort this out. Obviously I was wrong to speak to driving instructor, but was interested in his opinion, but I just feel that if she could try driving here on normal roads or attempt a lesson.

As time is now passing, it's getting longer since we saw each other, and we no longer chat I feel sad. My DC1 talks about auntie Jen, but I fear DC2 won't be close to her.

I have to apologise (but feel that she could try too). I realise that perhaps we're growing apart due to DC but it makes me sad as we've been family all our lives!

Any help?

[singsinthebath]

I don't think you are being U in fact.

She's probably got a motorway phobia and doesn't want to admit it. But you've been very kind to suggest a way around it.

Your affection for your cousin is very evident from your posting. Does she understand the issues about visiting her place? I'm sure if you just showed her this post she'd understand that your intentions are good.

[2blessed2bstressed]

Agree with sings, I don't actually think you've been unreasonable at all - I can tell also that you're very fond of your cousin, but she sounds like a selfish mare!

[waitingforbedtime]

You havent been unreasonable, she needs to grow up. I dont really know what to suggest, sorry.

[barbigirl]

I don't think you committed a massive crime by suggesting the motorway lesson. I don't think it was madly unreasonable. I'm a crap nervy driver and I'd be upset if someone suggested it to me but on balance, it's really not that offensive.

Just ring her, tell her you miss her and that you want to sort it out. It's not obvious how to sort out the logistics- I'm with her on the motorway thing....but if you can have a bit of 'cards on the table' without going into 'who said what to whom...' (much easier said than done...)

It may be that when your kids are young it is too hard to see each other as much- but can you communicate in other ways that are less pressured? Just the two of you? I get your point about wanting her in the kids' lives, but maybe that can take a back seat for a bit? After all, if she is close to you, your kids will see her as this figure, irrespective of whether you all have a regular sunday lunch?

[AprilMeadow]

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all. My SIL drives but not on motorways or dual carriage ways, infact she drives the half mile to and from work and even then she sometimes walks! I feel your frustration as whenever she wants to come and visit someone has to go and collect her and its about an hours drive each way.

[lazarusb]

Imo, you have done nothing but try and be kind and supportive. I passed my test when I was 37 and within 6 weeks was driving on the motorway because I didn't want it to scare me, so Dh came along and supported me. Clearly your cousin hasn't looked at things from your point of view. Do you think your dad or uncle could put your side to her and explain that because of small children & financial issues you just can't carry on as you did in the past. Your situation has changed, if she can't see that and return the favour then maybe you have to accept it? Sorry if that doesn't help

[jasper]

Your second last sentence is correct.
You are growing apart because of dc, and yes it's a pity but it's very normal.
You may find your closeness returns when the kids get older.

Personally I think it is not much fun visiting / staying with families with young children. I never liked it before I has kids and now I have three of my own I like it even less.

[booyhoo]

i can see it from both sides.

she feels as though you have interfered where it is none of your business. you thought you were helping.

however all in all, i think she is being U to not even consider going teh long way or trying the lesson.

send her an email with all that you have written above, it is very clear from your post that you care a great deal about her so she cant fail to see that aswell. apologise for asking the driving instructor on her behalf but explain why you did it. tell her you really want to maintain your relationship and put this behind you but it involves both of you making an effort. she may not fully understand whay you cant come to her dads because she doesn't have children and tbh sounds a bit self absorbed. but at least you can put your side across.

good luck.

[Maybee]

Yanbu you seem v caring actually. I don't think your cousin is being unreasonable either. People just don't understand (until they have a child themselves) how stressful visiting a house that isn't child friendly is or even eating out with a baby especially if you're broke is.
Although I can understand the driving issue. I drive on motorways but get v nervous crossing lanes and hate any route I'm unfamiliar with as well. I refuse to drive abroad and its just a block that I can't get rid of.
Could you reach a compromise and take it in turn or meet halfway even?

[jasper]

can you meet her halfway just the two of you - no kids?

[ajandjjmum]

Can you arrange to meet her occasionally in the evenings/weekends - maybe halfway between your homes - for some girlie time?

[deepdarkwood]

Agree with others - you're not being unreasonable - you're just in a place where the two of you have different needs and priorities for a bit. And she is, understandably, onscious about her driving so seeing a slight when none was intended.

I would agree that what you need to do is apologise for any unwitting offence, and explain that you love her, and miss having her around, and were just trying to find a way to see her more often. Could you suggest meeting up one evening - just the two of you - to chat about what could work, and to 'make friends' again? How is she round the kids - is it the family or you & dh she really wants to see?

But I also agree that sometimes there just is a bit of time where you may loose the closeness you had - it happened with a lot of my childfree friends for a few years, 7 now the kids are older/more flexible, those connections are reforming again.

[FleeBee]

Thanks for the replies and helping me see from other points of view. It's a very interesting quote about some being visiting or visitors, I think that describes DCJ really well.

I guess I'm feeling slightly resentful of all the driving I've done over the years, we hired a car on holiday and I drove on unfamiliar roads, in an unfamiliar left hand drive car, with no idea as to the way - and she won't even attempt a motorway lesson with a qualified instructor.

Perhaps this is the time we grow about, I'm losing contact with friends who I used to skiing with as no longer can afford to go. But with Jen it seems harder to take, as she's family. Perhaps we should just take some time out. She's a play worker ina before and after school club and did once say that she's happier with older children, although I'm not suggesting that I leave her in sole charge!

So perhaps when mine get to school age we'll be better.

[SeaTrek]

I don't think YHBU either.

Maybe suggest meeting up somewhere for the afternnon, now that the weather is nicer. Perhaps half-way or slightly closer to her. Maybe have a picnic in a park or something? Possibly meet somewhere that she could catch the train or bus to?

[porcamiseria]

agree with seatrek, meet her halfway somewhere for a picnic maybe?

gklad to know I am not the only motorway scaredycat!

but have to say she is BU. there is things like trains for example!

[thumbwitch]

Agreed, YWNU. She is being rather immature about it and pretty selfish - it would be much easier to shift just her to visit you in your home, which is set up for your DC, than for you to shift all of you + paraphernalia to visit her, when she can't even bother her arse to cook for you? to say nothing of the petrol cost, when you aren't working and are short on cash.

Maybe there is an underlying problem here - maybe, just maybe, she is a little envious of your family set up and doesn't like to see it in its own setting, iyswim. Maybe she doesn't feel like you are the same people any more (of course you're not, you're parents!) and that you're not worth the bother, as you're less fun. Pure speculation on my part but perhaps it might ring bells for you.

She's being silly and selfish - and I think you will have to let her get on with it, tbh.

[charley24]

Sorry, but I am with DCJ here, as a woman who passed almost 2 years ago, I am yet to go on a motorway, in fact I do very few dual carriageways.

I visit my sister now and then but I am not comfortable with the drive so she will come to me as she understands that I haven't got a fear of driving, I actually have a fear of the stupid idiots on the road.

Why when the speed limit is 70 do people prefer to do 100 ? Why are people so impatient, pull out when there isn't enough space, slam on their brakes when if they were going the right speed they wouldn't have to !

I have had extra lessons and to be honest they didn't help me, it's all very well with someone telling you exactly what to do, but I am not a natural driver and had 62 hours worth of lessons and I am still nervous and I don't think it will ever change. I am naturally cautious as a person and although I am confident driving locally on routes I know (work/shopping etc), I rarely go out of my comfort zone, for example last week I attempted to drive a very long journey and at a roundabout a lorry was in the wrong lane and I had to slam on brakes and I almost clipped him (he was in wrong lane on approach), so this isn't my driving, this is the driving of others and with 2 children in my car, I need to feel confident about where I am going.

Also I hate slip roads, sorry but I do, fine going off but joining - I am nervous, and I need to feel confident when driving, there is no use me going on a motorway feeling like this as I would be a danger to myself and others if I was to panic or make an error.

I do understand where you are coming from and I sympathise, but the truth be told, it probably isn't that she doesn't want to see you, it's that she needs to take her own time building confidence on roads, just like I am, small baby steps at MY pace, not at other peoples pace (especially my husband) so please don't argue or try and force her to do things she isn't quite ready for !

And in case you are wondering, I passed my test with 5 minors, but 3 days after passing I was bullied by cars to pull out turning right at a busy junction. They all started beeping their horns (I wasnted a large gap - new driver, takes longer to pull away), and because I felt rushed and forced I pulled out to a smaller gap and because I pulled away slowly, byt then in front of me was a lorry and ended up almost hitting the central reservation and scaring a poor man who had to swerve to avoid me.

So, if that hadn't of happened then I may have been a different driver.......please don't push her, she may just feel like me and would love to get in the car and go anywhere but I can't, but I am getting more confidence and take little detours and explore new areas, it will all come in time (I hope) !

xx

[hidinginthecupboard]

I also have real issues with driving. It sometimes makes life very difficult and I know in my head I need to get it sorted out. I am trying though cannot envisage a time I will ever drive on a motorway! Anyway I know that I sometimes get very defensive about it (largely as I feel guilty/rubbish about it) particularly with my mum, dad and DH. So DCJ might be over-reacting because she knows she should be driving to you but try as she might she can't bring herself to do it.

My suggestion would be to make peace, not mention the driving for a bit - is there anyway she can get public transport to you - or near enough for you to pick her up? (I try and compensate for my lack of driving by making sure my friends don't always have to come to me) Sell it as a nice weekend, maybe see if the two of you can go out alone for a drink or something but also do fun things with the kids. And then maybe a while down the line suggest insuring her on your car (if you happy with that!) so she can get used to the roads near you?

[haoshiji]

YANBU - Doesn't sound like a phobia brought on by an event - although maybe OP can say if so?

Sounds like a lazy person to be honest, why not go on a lesson with a driving instructor, and that's good of you to try an organise it.

I passed just two years ago and shit a brick the first time I went on the motorway but you just get on with it after a while and take care when idiots are about.

I know it's easier said than done and if there is a genuine reason for not going on a motorway then fair enough but it just sounds like when people won?t try a food "No, I just don't think I will like it and that's that."

If she had to drive from say London to Manchester it would take a fuck of a long time on non-motorway roads?

[FleeBee]

I don't know why she's so against motorway driving as far as I know she hasn't tried it. My DH has even offered to take her for a run out and he's incredibly patient. Someone from work has also offered to take her out, so no-one has told her to do it all by herself and she does drive on dual-carriageways. The area she lives is fairly rural and I find driving the narrow twisty roads more alarming than motorway driving, but I guess we're all different. I suppose because I learned to drive at 17, lived away from home I've kind of got on with stuff and was lucky to not have the fear. My DH has offered to drive to her house, leave his car there and then drive with her in her car over here so she has someone with her, but she's refused.

But DCJ has lived with her dad all her life, has lived in the same village and has her job in the same village and walks to work so hasn't ever had the need to venture out and was in no rush to learn to drive. Whereas I coudln't wait to be independent. There was a suggestion that she be insured on my car, however she has a brand new Ford Fiesta and I have a 10 year old heap of a car I think she'd be better in hers.

The issue about trains is funny as it reminded me of when I was PG with DC1 we'd got tickets to see a gig at the Arena in Manchester. At the time I worked in Manchester, so agreed I'd meet her after I finished work. She refused to get a direct train from her home into Manchester and ended up getting her dad to drive her into Manchester and I drove her home after the gig, even though the train would have been tons easier. If anyone knows Manchester, Victoria station is actually at the Arena, so she wouldn't have even needed to go outside once she'd got off the train. She was almost 30 at the time.

Perhaps I can't understand enough the fear of not being able to drive on a motorway, perhaps she has tried it and it was a disaster and can't tell me. Either way I think it's best if I just back off, as I've already said things I regret. Hopefully we'll get over this hiccup and be close again.

Thanks for the stories from other non-motorway drivers to give me an insight into how she must feel.

[thumbwitch]

Sounds to me more like she has a phobia of doing anything by and for herself! She'd rather people look after her for the rest of her life, hmm? Living with your parents for so long isn't always a good idea...

[TiggyR]

I don't think YABU at all - I think you've been remarkably understanding and tolerant. You just got frustrated, that's all. She obviously feels very defensive about the motoway phobia thing. I used to be exactly the same, but I forced myself to get over it for the sake of my social life and my DCs. It just became too limiting a way to live. But I understand totally how she feels. Perhaps she could have a couple of sessions of hypno, though how you suggest it I don't know!

[FabIsGoingToGetFit]

Why does it matter to you if she would rather drive for 70 minutes than 40 to see you? Surely her coming should be enough.

[Lulumaam]

was going to say, cut her some slack, loads of people are terrified of motorway driving ( myself included) and i was going to say, suggest to her she gets the train, but i see that she won't get the train

she either has a phobia about travelling outside a certain area, or places she is familair with, i am a v v v nervous traveller, terrifeid of being lost/late. but i can generally work a way round things , although did get to euston recently an hour early for a train

but she could just be lazy.. and based on teh post re the concert, it might be that.

ask her if there is an anxiety issue at the heart of this..