to get annoyed at DP giving my stuff away?

[Butterpie]

A couple of years back I saved up and bought myself a creative zen mp3 player. I don't use it very often, tbh, as if I leave the house I generally have the DDs or DP with me and it would be rude to listen to music. I do, however, use it sometimes on long journeys and my much valued and rare breaks and use the features like video clips and so on. I have a music player on my phone but it wears the battery down quickly and isn't as good.

Anyway, DPs parents are going on holiday, their MP3 player has broken so I said I would nip home and get mine that they could borrow, I would load some music on it that they would like. When i got home DP was on the "big" computer that has all the music and so on, so he loaded up the MP3 player. I haven't so much as plugged the player in, apart from to charge it, for ages as it had my music on, iyswim.

His mum came round and I gave her the player, showed her how to work it and so on. She said she hoped she didn't break it or anything, I said oh don't worry if you do (I'm not about to get angry at her for accidentally breaking something!) and then DP said "in fact, you might as well keep it, Butterpie hasn't used it in years".

AIBU to be a bit peed off at that? OK, I don't use it very often, but then his mum would use it even less, and anyway it is my toy! I choose if I give it away!

Luckily his mum is wise to his ways and looked at me and said "no, it is butterpies and she might need it". Was a bit awkward though.

Bit petty I know, but AIBU? Or is what mine his (and by extension his mums)?

[Butterpie]

Oh he has done this before as well, only with things that he obviously thinks I don't use or need any more, and I know he thinks I hoard, but checking with me would be at least polite, yes?

[BitOfFunInTheQuattro]

He is NOT entitled to give your stuff away, no.

[MrsRhettButler]

yes, agree totally u

[MrsRhettButler]

have you talked to him about it?

[Butterpie]

Yeah, but he is baffled as to why I would be annoyed. He's not so good with empathy. To him, if I don't use something, then someone else should have it. I can kind of see his point, but would like to be consulted before he offers my stuff to people.

[thumbwitch]

YANBU at all - well done your MIL. Tis your thing, your stuff - he has no business giving it away.

I am still seething that DH threw out a bag of tapes that had been in my car - I knew where they were, didn't think I needed to show that I actively had knowledge of this - so he binned them. There were tapes in there that are irreplaceable - particularly one of me in my school choir singing the Mozart Requiem. He does apologise and has promised never to throw anything of mine out again without clearing it with me first - the least he could do!

Try giving something of his away without asking him - perhaps he might "get it" then.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"He's not so good with empathy.", Nor, apparently, with the concept of ownership. YADNBU. Like thumbwitch, I'd consider giving something of his away. I'd be searching through his cupboards now.

[thisisyesterday]

hmm i can see both sides tbh! if he genuinely thought you had never used it for ages then i can see why he would do it.. but then me and dp do this kind of thing all the time and neither of us are bothered by it.
if DP did offer someone something and i still wanted it though I would have no qualms in saying "actually, I do use it fairly regularly" and ending any conversation!

[chipmonkey]

My dsis's dp gave away their buggy to a less fortunate family before dsis had stopped using it! Dsis had to go around with her dd up on her shoulders when she was too tired to walk. My Mum was fuming as she had bought the buggy, a very good one, for dsis and had hoped I could use it for ds1.
My dsis is now with a new dp! ( not just because of that!)

[thisisyesterday]

that's awful chipmonkey... althouhgh i have to say i'd have seen that as a bloody good excuse to go and buy a new one! lol

[SolidGoldBrass]

Even if you do hoard, giving your stuff away without asking you is not the way to deal with it, it's rude and unkind behaviour. Tell him firmly that he MAY NOT give your belongings away without consulting you, end of discussion.

[chipmonkey]

The trouble is, TIY, that even though the family he gave it to were "less fortunate" my dsis was piss-poor at the time and really couldn't afford another buggy. Actually, when I think of it, for the others to have been less fortunate they must have been practically homeless because my dsis had no money at all!

[bibbitybobbityhat]

Blimey! a long post about something that didn't actually happen. I assume you would have said "actually I would like it back and I do use it" if MIL hadn't stepped in?

[giveitago]

Oh - my ds the same - I bought a necklace the earlier on in the year - tried it on and then took it off and put it on a table never to find it again - except I did - I found it on sils neck when we went to visit. DH had swiped it for her.

His cousin came over and was cold so I lent her a jumper - dh said you may as well have it. What do you say!!!

[bran]

I would side-step any discussion of how it makes you feel if you say he just doesn't get it. Keep saying "It's not yours to give away". Say it in front of the person he is offering it to, even if you don't mind giving it away you can always offer it yourself afterwards. If he gives something away when you're not there make him go and apologise to the receiver and get it back. Make it inconvenient and embarassing for him to do this and he might stop. He'll care about his own feelings even if he doesn't care about yours.

[zipzap]

Think of some stock phrase that you can come out with easily and without offence so that whenever the situation arises again you can say it.

And if he doesn't get the message at the same time he is there giving your stuff away, start saying 'oh and dh doesn't use his computer very much, would you like that. Or his [insert favourite things here] - I bet you'd love that wouldn't you' - all done quite jokingly but if he complains you can then just say that you thought it was 'giving other people's stuff away day' or something like that. And then hopefully he will realise.

Of course if he does then hand over his [whatever you've said] you're in a bit of a pickle

Definitely think that you do need a chat with him about stuff like this and that just because he doesn't see you use it on a daily basis, you do use it at particular times. And given the opportunity you would use it more, but out of consideration for your dc you don't...

oh and definitely not petty of you. And good on your mil for not taking, but he definitely needs to learn. If he gives something of yours away, you give something of his away.

[Butterpie]

He has done it several times though, eg I was given a new laptop and was keeping the old one for him to use (he didn't have his own computer) so I could use mine when I wanted (we were both students at the time). He then offered the old one to my sister without consulting me.

(I don't constantly buy new electronic equipment, it's just these are the instances when it sticks in my mind)

He has done it with smaller things as well, cds and books and such. I'll ask where such a thing is and he says "oh, I gave it to whoever, they said they liked it". He does it with his stuff too, and it is generally stuff I wouldn't mind, tbh, but it is just annoying how he just gives it away without so much as a by-your-leave, and how it keeps happening. Plus I worry he will give away something precious to me like a childhood book or something.

I don't know if I am being matierialistic here or not. It's just I would like to choose when to give away my stuff, if that makes sense. I consult him if I am getting rid of shared stuff, or things for the kids (eg my friend had a baby, I checked quickly with DP before sending her some outgrown clothes, just in case he had promised it to someone else or something) Tbh, for a big item of mine I would at least discuss it with him before i got rid. All it takes is a quick "I was thinking of giving x to y, is that ok?", same as I would do with a big purchase.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Hmm. I would quite seriously consider binning someone who treated me like this. Because what he is demonstrating to you is that he doesn't care about your feelings, and he likes portraying you as a shallow, selfish materialist to make a contrast with his image of himself as a deeply unselfish, 'spiritual' person whose mind is above the dreary ordinariness of caring about possessions, and who is wonderfully warm and generous, blah blah blah. It's actually quite nasty behaviour, to keep on being so thoughtless with other people's belongings.
It;s not materialistic to have a concept of ownership, to be fond of things that are either useful to you or otherwise important to you. And the fact that you have asked him to stop doing this, and he won't stop, well that's the big problem. Because it shows that he thinks his viewpoint (look at me, I'm so generous) is much more important than yours (actually that's MY stuff you are being generous with).

[Butterpie]

I don't think it is that serious, I think he just doesn't understand being attached to things. He doesn't understand why the DDs should have their own clothes (apart from them being different sizes, but there are some things that fit both) or toys, he thinks they should just have a big toy box and a big wardrobe between them.

Another thing that is probably connected is that if he sees inside my handbag for some reason (eg I ask him to pass me my purse or something) he immediately starts taking out all the bits of rubbish and chucking them away. I know he sees this as being useful and I do tend to have loads of old bus tickets and so on, but there are also receipts and important letters and such, never mind that I don't like having the contents of my handbag gone through in public. In his mind, he is helping me by putting my bag in order. He keeps trying to do the same with my emails. He really does think that he is making my life easier though, and I suppose it is easier with less clutter, it is just annoying how he does it without asking.

I suppose I am a hoarder, eg last time he looked in my bag there were four mobile phones, only one of which works, the mp3 player, my camera and several spent batteries, purse with no money in (the money was in my pocket), bits of makeup, several dummies, nappy bags, etc. SO he does have a point, but I wish he could make it in a better way.

[vnewmummy]

Hi,

I am the female equivalent to your DP!

I am always throwing old receipts etc out of my DH wallet, drawer etc. I just cant stand mess!

I think he is just trying to be practical and helpful.

If it bothers you tell him to stop and explain why so he understands

Good luck x

[SolidGoldBrass]

Butterpie: It's not about whether you hoard too much and he's being 'helpful', it's the fact that you don't like him doing it, you've asked him to stop doing it, and he is ignoring your requests and continuing with behaviour which you don't like. That's not acceptable.
It's not great for your DDs, either. refusing to allow DC to 'own' things can make them feel very insecure (and may trigger a hoarding problem).
While I am not big on conformism and don't like the way 'difference' is so often pathologised, when a person feels or wants to behave in a way that is unusual that person needs to be reminded that other people see things differently. Your DP's completely cavalier attitude to ownership is unusual - as demonstrated by the fact that most responses on this thread are people saying that it would annoy the fuck out of them, too.
Your DP is either a bit of a bully or a person with a problem around boundaries if he can't get his head round the idea that it;s fine to give away his own stuff but that he does not have any rights over either your belongings or the DD's belongings, and I would honestly advise you to put your foot down with him over this.

[thumbwitch]

I agree with much of what SGB says, butterpie - his attitude is unusual. Is he renerally a tidy-freakish minimalist? Or a share-all communist (in the original sense)?

My nan gave nearly all my Mum's toys away when she was still quite young - as a result, she turned into a mega-hoarder.

[maktaitai]

I think every time he suggests something like this, or starts going through your handbag etc, especially if it's in public, I would put my hand on his wrist, gaze at him soupily and say 'Darling. Dh. You must be in SUCH emotional pain to take it out on my things. But you don't have to punish the receipts. I care. Tell me what's wrong. Tell me. Tell me. Are you in pain darling? Are you? You must tell me, you simply must. I can tell you'd never do such an awful thing unless you were in terrible emotional pain.' That should teach him to keep his hands to himself.